"Sense Memory"

Author: Starla
Email: Starla@Buffymail.com
Notes: Hey, I just saw Pat from the ep. Dead Man's Party on Providence! Ok, I know most of you don't care, but I had to mention it. Oh! And there's Devon!!! (I'm watching it as I type. It airs before Angel here in Oz.)

---

Buffy pulled her knees up to her chest, taking a spoonful of ice cream and sliding it in to her mouth, savouring the flavour and the icy feel of it on her tongue. Ice cream always reminded her of Angel. She loved the way it made her lips tingle with the cold, just like his kisses did. She loved the way that it would get warmer in her mouth, like Angel did. But Ice-cream wasn't Angel. Angel was much better. She took another spoonful, licking the excess cream off her lips.

And froze.

<This is a dream...>

The words floated into her mind, accompanied by an image of Angel, smiling, feeding her ice cream in his bed.

"Oh, God..." She whispered aloud as the memories assaulted her.

She saw herself kissing Angel, the icecream dripping onto his chest...saw herself licking the icecream off his hard muscle...

Tears started streaming down her face, her breath hitching as she sobbed. She saw herself making love to Angel, as she had dreamed so many times... But this wasn't a dream.

It was real.

She knew it, deep in her heart, knew it with an aching certainty that burned her to her very soul. She wrapped her arms around herself, shaking uncontollably, the ice cream spilling, forgotten, onto her floral bedspread.

<I'll Never Forget, I'll Never Forget, I'll Never Forget, I'll Never Forget, I'll Never Forget...>

She repeated the mantra in her mind, biting her lip and shaking her head, rocking back and forth. Her lungs seized with every breath she took, and her sobs became violent and bone deep. She closed her eyes, not feeling the hard ground beneath her, not feeling the cold air seeping in from the window, nor feeling the stickiness of melted ice-cream seeping into her hair. All she felt was the cloud of pain that she had suddenly been absorbed in.

---

Willow heard the sobs before she opened the door. She had run into Riley outside the dorms, and sent him a worried glance as she pushed the door open.

"Buffy? Is everything..." She swallowed as she took in the appearance of her roommate and best friend.

Buffy was curled up on the floor, her ice cream soaked hair sticking to her blotchy red face. She was trembling, her eyes full of a grief that Willow had only ever been able to associate to Angel.

"What happened?" Riley asked, going to kneel by Buffy.

Buffy raised her head and looked straight at Willow, ignoring Riley.

"I'll never forget." She whispered.

"Never Forget what???" Riley questioned desperately, wiping her sticky hair away from her eyes.

Buffy visibly flinched at his touch, and Riley pulled away, hurt.

Her lower lip trembled, and her face crumpled. "I felt his heart beat..."

Willow stared at Buffy in confusion. "You can't mean..."

For the first time, a new energy seemed to flare through Buffy, sending her to his feet.

"Angel was human." She told her. "He was human, and I forgot!"

She was hysterical now, her body beginning to shake where she stood.

"Buffy, calm down, and tell me exactly what's happening."

Buffy closed her eyes, taking deep, ragged breaths. "Angel was human."

Willow's eyes softened as she stepped toward Buffy. "Buffy, you know that's not possible..."

"What is was he supposed to be?" Riley asked, having no idea who they were talking about.

"A vampire." WIllow replied absently.

"I came in in the middle of this movie..." Riley murmured.

Willow looked up at him. "Go home, Riley. I'll get Buffy to call you later."

"No. I want to comf-" He caught Willow's pleading look and nodded slowly. "Ok."

He put his hand on Buffy's shoulder, taking notice when she stiffened. "I'll see you later."

He tried to kiss her on the forehead, but she jumped, evading his lips. He gave her one last hurt puppy dog look before leaving the room.

Willow watched him leave before turning back to Buffy. She pulled the blonde into her arms, just standing silently for a moment before Buffy pulled away. Buffy sat down on her bed, pulling her knees to her chin.

"You remember how we learnt about sense memory in psyche class?" She asked Willow, waiting for her to nod before continuing. "Well, I was eating Ice-cream...and it brought back things I was never supposed to remember."

Willow watched Buffy as she told the story, not surprised when tears started streaming down her own face.

"How could I forget?" Buffy whispered brokenly. "I just walked out WIllow. I just left him."

Willow sank onto the bed beside her, , taking her hand. "You couldn't of known, Buffy."

"I should've! I should've known..." Buffy cried. "I promised him."

"And you kept your promise!" Willow said. "You remembered. A little late, sure, but it ends up the same, anyway."

"I have to see him, Willow." Buffy decided after a moment. "I just...I need him."

Willow smiled softly, in perfect understanding. "You do...I'll explain to Giles."

Buffy bit her lip, hugging Willow. "Thank you, Will."

"Go get em, Tiger." Willow grinned.

Buffy saluted, grabbing a jacket and dashing out of the room.

---

"Pass the toast please?" Cordelia asked Wesley, holding her hand up. He smiled and handed it to her.

The three were enjoying a quiet breakfast after a busy night of demon hunting. Angel placed a bowl of eggs in front of Cordelia, and she grinned up thankfully.

He started to smile back, and then paused, cocking his head to the side and closing his eyes. There was something different...

"Angel?" Cordelia's voice cut through his haze, bringing him back to reality. "What's wrong?"

Angel reached out with his senses again, but found the feeling was gone.

"Nothing." He shrugged.

Cordelia eyed him for a moment before returning her attention to her eggs.

"Brilliant Eggs, Angel." Wesley commented.

Angel nodded and smiled, dropping into his chair. He paused as that feeling came over him again, and half turned towards the door. He closed his eyes, knowing that he was going insane. She wasn't there. Never would be.

<Never has been...> He reminded himself. <It *never* happened.>

He swallowed and piled some eggs into his mouth, chewing slowly, attempting to distract himself from his thoughts.

A knock at the door brought him out of his reverie, and he thankfully stood from his chair, walking over to the door and pulling it open. HIs eyes widened and he nearly dropped the coffee cup he was holding.

"Buffy..." He choked out, astonished.

She seemed to squirm for a moment, her hand rising to brush back her sticky hair.

"I'm suddenly wishing I had a shower before I left..." She murmured, before looking up, directly into his eyes. "Hi."

"Buffy...what are you doing here?" He said finally.

"Uh...Can we sit down???" She asked, shifting from foot to foot anxiously.

He stood back, allowing her to pass by him into the apartment. She looked back and forth between Angel and Cordelia nad Wesley, who had stood from the kitchen table. She suddenly felt as if she were intruding on Angel, on his new life, a life without her.

<You know what they say, A day without Buffy's is a day without heartache...> She her a voice say in her mind, and she pushed it away, dropping her eyes to the floor.

"Maybe I shouldn't have some." She whispered, but Angel heard her.

"Buffy...If somethings wrong, I'll do everything I can to help you."

She looked up. "You're damn straight something's wrong." She bit her lip. "How could you just let me walk out of here, Angel?"

His face scrunched up in confusion. "Huh?"

"I'm talking about Thanksgiving, Angel...I...I remember."

Angel's mouth dropped open. "But..You can't..."

"I know, but I do!" She wailed.

"You're not gonna stake him, are you?" Cordelia asked.

"No!" Buffy cried, ofended. "I'm not angry...I understand...I'm just a little...overwhelmed."

Angel stared at her.

"I shouldn't have come." She said, when he didn't say a word. She moved towards the door, only to find a big ol' Angel blocking the entrance. She glared at him, then crossed her arms and pouted.

He scrunched his face up. "I'm sorry...it's just...Are you sure you remember?"

She bit her lip. "Very sure...Chocolate and Peanut Butter...That talk in the sewer...we broke the table..."

"I *so* didn't need to know that." Cordelia rolled her eyes.

Angel turned around the look at her. "Cor...Wes...Can you give us a few?"

"Yeah, yeah." Cordy said, grabbing Wes's arm. "Be good." She added as they disappeared up the steps.

Buffy and Angel stared at one another.

"I...how do you remember?"

Buffy shrugged. "Maybe I was supposed to."

"Maybe."

"Maybe cos I love you...maybe cos I need you...and I need to tell you...I don't care, Angel. I don't care that you can't give me all that stuff...cos think about everything you *can* give me..."

He snorted. "Like What, Buffy? What do I have?"

"You gotta whole lotta you." She said quietly. "That's all I want. No-one makes me feel like you do...I haven't felt safe since you left."

"I make you feel safe?" He asked.

She nodded. "You make me warm, Angel."

She stepped towards him, pressing her hands against his chest and standing on her tiptoes to place a sweet kiss on his cheek.

"You make me whole."

His arms slipped around her, and she relaxed into the familiar embrace, glad to finally be home.

 

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