"I Hate Him!"
October 2002

Ten guesses who I'm talking about.

Yup, that's right. I am sure everyone immediately said "Xander!" right? ;) Well, it is Xander. Fair warning now, this rant contains spoilers from "Selfless," so if you haven't seen that yet, you may want to go away now.

My feelings for Xander have changed quite a few times over the course of the series. At first, I liked him. He wasn't my favorite character by any means, but he was funny and didn't bother me too much, so I didn't mind him being around. However, I *did* start to care, in the "I want him gone" sense, towards the end of the second season. Xander never liked Angel (which I had a problem with, because to this day I will argue it had more to do with jealousy than anything else) but it had always been more joking than anything.

But in season two, he turned vicious. And I understand, to some extent. Angel was soulless and killing people Xander cared about. However, I didn't like a lot of the things he said. I think he made Buffy feel bad for having a hard time looking at the face of the man she loved, the man who had been so tender and loving with her, and not being able to not see that. And when it came down to them arguing over whether or not to re-ensoul Angel, Buffy wants to do it, end Angelus' reign of terror and get the man she loves back. But Xander argues that they shouldn't do it because Angel deserves to die. He knows *Angel* never did any of those horrible things, that he helped them, but tries to hold him responsible for Angelus' actions. Personally, I think Xander's true motives were far less noble. And then Xander betrays Willow and lies to Buffy about her message, not informing her that her friend is going to attempt the spell to give Angel back his soul again, but telling Buffy Willow wants her to kick Angel's ass. Some people have said that he only did it because he felt Buffy wouldn't give it her all otherwise. I am sure that is the excuse Xander would give Buffy, it might even be the excuse he gave himself, but it's bull. He was getting rid of the competition, even if Angel really wasn't competition because Xander never had a chance with Buffy. And you know what? Even if the "excuse" is true, that still makes Xander an ass. He is assuming Buffy cannot make a decision without her feelings completely influencing her. She can't use good judgement. Which Buffy proved wasn't true for her. And Xander proved *is* true for him.

Season three rolls around, and if I didn't already, I started hating Xander. Buffy bailed when she sent Angel to hell and it wasn't a good thing, but it was understandable. Sending him to hell had to be extremely hard and left her feeling guilty and heartbroken. She should have stuck around, but she didn't and I don't think anyone can blame her. Certainly not her friends. But when she came back, Xander and Willow and her mother did just that. Instead of just being happy to have her back like Giles, they act like everything is cool, but secretly hold her responsible and treat her that way. And then they attack her in front of a ton of people, humiliating her and ganging up on her. I am not *just* blaming Xander for this... I hated Joyce and Willow after this episode too. That was a continuing theme for Xander that season, where he feels immense anger at Buffy (usually over Angel and the fact that she loves him) and attacks her constantly.

The fourth season is where things started to change for me. Right in the premiere, "The Freshman," Xander shows up when Buffy feels completely alone and out of place and gives her this pep talk and is ready to be her friend and help her fight her personal and actual demons. All of a sudden, I like Xander again. He's kind of first season for me, funny and non-bothersome. This could be attributed to Angel being gone, but I won't even take credit away from Xander and say that. I liked Xander and I didn't mind him again until the middle of the fifth season in "Into the Woods" when he got all preachy to Buffy about Riley. I already wrote a different rant about that, but to sum up my feelings, he got all superior. Again. But it was just that once and he wasn't too bad again, so Xander wasn't really on my shit list again.

Until now. Over the years, Xander has *always* acted like Buffy can't make a smart decision, she's weak and has bad judgement and should be used more as a tool where he or Giles tells her what to do and she does it. He puts her on this pedestal and expects her to behave like he wants and not like a human being. Well guess what? Buffy *is* a human being. She makes bad decisions sometimes, but more often, she makes good decisions. She makes better decisions than Xander! And I am almost mad at Buffy, too, because so many times she sits there and lets him yell at her. She just takes it. And she tries to live up to these unrealistic standards he sets for her. Like the Spike thing. I know it was an unhealthy relationship, but I think most of that stems from her keeping it a secret. It made it wrong and forbidden, because she was scared of her friends' reactions. And with good reason, because Xander would have flipped his lid. Nobody can argue with that, because when Spike told him the truth, he acted like Buffy had made a personal offense against him. He had no right to be mad at her. She's a big girl and can sleep with Spike if she wants to. And how dare he get mad at her for keeping it a secret. He knows *very* well why she opted not to tell him.

But here's the big breaking point for me, here is why I finally said "I need to write a rant." I saw "Selfless" and Xander pretty much stepped into Buffy's shoes and completely ignored everything he ever said and every sacrifice she has ever made. This time, he was in love with the demon that was killing people and all that stuff about demons being demons and having to die goes right out the window. The demon is Anya, they can't kill her, they must find another way to do it. Buffy tells him this is something she has already thought about and killing her is the only answer she has come up with, but she is open to other ideas. Xander doesn't have any. He tries to say it's not fair, because they saved Willow. Willow is human, Willow has a sense of conscience... Willow is not a vengeance demon. I'm not saying all demons are evil and have to die, but Anya's purpose is to avenge wronged women, and in the process of doing so, she is supposed to either kill people, or do some pretty bad stuff to them. There is no making her see the light. She is what she is. Anya understands that, as does Buffy. But Xander refuses to do the same. Look, I understand that Xander loves Anya and I don't exactly fault him for wanting to "save" her... my problem is that he says this after all the crap he has said to Buffy. Furthermore, he tries to throw Angel back in Buffy's face. Like, does he have selective amnesia? Does he remember Buffy wanting to save Angel, but not all the times he demanded Angel die? I was SO happy that Buffy finally yelled right back at him and told him what she needed to say.

And that's like the core of this issue. Xander's a sexist hypocrite who gets away with just about everything. Here's where I get sexist: Buffy has proven time and again to be an excellent warrior, both on the battle field and when it comes time to make tough choices and plans. She's a good leader. But Xander likes to act like the big, strong, intelligent man. I think I have already stated my case for the hypocrite part, but just in case you needed more, how about the fact that he has never accepted Spike into the fold? I mean, he was good enough to fight alongside them when Buffy was gone, he was even good enough to babysit Dawn, but when it comes to making decisions that affect the group or dating Buffy, Spike is a soulless demon and even though he does good now, he killed before and therefore he is never going to be good enough. And Xander acts this way while he is engaged to Anya - who also used to kill people. That was never even an issue and it always bothered me. The only time it bothered Xander was when she wouldn't shut up about all the things she used to do to men... and when she was pissed at him and he was afraid she might hurt him. But he never really held it against her. And I know that Xander is occasionally held accountable for his actions, but most of the time, he yells at Buffy and she takes it. He acts like a jerk and nobody calls him on it. He does things like the lie in "Becoming" and nobody finds out. (Btw, I am pretty psyched that it was brought up again. Ask any of my friends and they will tell you that up until a few hours before "Selfess" aired, I was ranting about that.)

This was a long rant and I kind of don't expect anyone to have stuck with it to this point, but there was a lot of stuff I had to cover. If anyone does reply to this, please don't say I just am blaming for Xander for all this stuff because I just don't like him and I am looking for anything I can to hate him for. That's not true. For most of the serious, I have liked him okay. Again, he was never my favorite, but I usually didn't *dislike* him. These are all things that truly bother me.

Responses

Vera
I have to agree with you on just about everything you said about Xander. I don't hate him, but I have said some of the same things you said about him. He is very loyal to Buffy and Willow and I liked that about him. I like that he doesn't have any special powers or anything and he still helps Buffy fight the good fight. But he really makes me mad, too. It made me angry in season two when he was always making Buffy feel bad for not being able to kill Angelus and when he was wanting him killed instead of resouled. Then in Becoming he didn't tell Buffy that Willow was doing the spell and Buffy had to stab Angel and send him to a hell dimension. To me it was perfectly understandable why she felt she had to leave town. She was heartbroken that she had to send the man she loved to hell in order to save the world. And her friends were all hurt because they help her fight. I absolutely hated that when Buffy returned home Xander, Willow, and Joyce all blamed Buffy and was yelling at her the way they were. I was really angry at Xander because he was the worst about it. You're right, he puts Buffy on a pedestal and when she doesn't live up to his expectations, he gets really ugly about it. In season six, he had absolutely no reason to be angry with Buffy for having sex with Spike. It really had nothing to do with him. Yet, he still felt justified in judging her. It has always bothered me that he is always so hateful to Spike over Spike being evil and killing people. Even though Spike helped protect them all when Buffy died. And he is always blaming something on Spike even when Spike can't hurt anyone because of the chip. But he never held Anya being a vengeance demon against her. Anya never regretted any wrong she did people as a vengeance demon. More than once she reminsed about the vengeance she took. And she never chose to become human. Xander never held that against her. Xander is all for killing Spike because he is a demon but when Anya as a vengeance demon causes the death of all those frat guys, he thinks Buffy can just overlook it. Then he has to throw Spike into her face and say that she hasn't looked for any other options. I loved that Buffy finally stood up to him and didn't let him get away with the things he said. I'm glad that she reiterated how hard it is to be the slayer and have to make the decisions she has to make and everything that she has to sacrifice. I don't hate Xander but there are plenty of times that I am really angry with him.

Hope
You're right, Xander takes Buffy's opinion or desicion about something and just dismisses it for wrong. Its like, just because he didn't love Angel, it doesn't matter. (Did he even know that angel had his soul back before she killed him? I know that Willow and Giles know...) And I'm so happy that they brought that up again, really wanna see Willow kickin his ass wicca style for not giving the right message. But I thought he was great in Into the Woods. I hated fish...er..Riley with a fiery passion up until the last 10 minutes of that episode. Xander talked some sense into Buffy, which was something that I really wasn't expecting, especially coming from him. *nod*

Julie
Hi. I'm sorry, but I completely disagree with a lot of the things you said. I do agree with the fact that The Lie ("Kick his ass.") was not exactly the best thing for Xander to say, but I understand his reasoning: 'If I say this to Buffy as opposed to telling her to try to hold Angelus back from starting the ritual, she will fight him and not hesitate, which could result in her getting herself hurt or killed.' Xander, in my eyes, is Mr. Over Protective, I Hold Grudges Guy. If you hurt someone he loves, he holds it against you for a long time. When you talk about Xander needing/liking to act like the Big Strong Guy--yeah, I think he does sometimes. But not because he has a big ego or anything--because I truly believe that Xander has a major self esteem problem. He's trying to act like he feels strong and competent, but around every corner there seems to be someone (usually one of his own friends) telling him that he should back down and stay out of the fight because he's not strong enough. This might be what's leading to the Big Strong Guy act, which under scrutiny I'm not sure even holds up. The most obvious incident to note with this is when Xander convinces O'Toole to turn off the bomb (I forget the name of the episode--sorry!). If Xander was playing the Big Strong Guy role, it seems to me he would have brought this up to everyone, but he didn't. Okay, so I might sympathize with Xander. I might be blaming a lot of his character flaws on his parents, mostly his dad--but hey, I think that's pretty reasonable, considering what we've seen of Mr. Harris. Or, I could just be defending Xander because I think he's cute and funny. :-) And I completely agree with you on one major thing: I miss Season 1 Xander, too!

Rachel
I havent seen the episode yet but I cant wait knowing that the lie from 'Becoming' is brought up. It always bothered me that Xander got away with that. I've been dieing for some big comfrontation with some form of skull bashing. As for his hypicritical stances as I've always said 'hello Anyas 1200 and Spikes 126 how many more people did she kill, and it wasnt for food either.' At least he never said anything about who Willow was dating, although it would be very in charecter, if he had I would have blown a fuse.

KT
You know, Xander has always bothered me in a vague way, and your rant has made me realize why. Now I'm going to have to rant about my new-found deep dislike of him. He's judgemental and hypocritical and he irks me! *scurries away to rant*

Marie
Amen!!! Xander so needed to be taken down a peg when he started in on Buffy. I had almost forgotten why I too had once disliked Xander, but after this episode it all came flooding back. Acting like he is supierior to Buffy, when hello, she has carried the world on her shoulders for 7 years, saved his ass too many times to count, how dare he question her motivations when it comes to Anya. After the hell Buffy went through with Angel, if anyone, anyone, could understand how Xander was feeling, it was Buffy. But no, Xander doesn't see that, he just attacks. Same old patterns, all over again. Thanks for saying it, I get tired of people attacking Buffy, when newsflash, she is NOT like everyone else, and judging her as such is missing the entire point of this show.

Chrissy AKA Lil Buffy
Hunn i TOTALLY agree with u!! LETS START A XANDER HATE CLUB lol just kidding! Sorry to any xander fans out there but he is an asshole to buffy! How can he be so careless by accusing her of WANTING to kill everything unless its her boyfriend? Like wat a jerk... its probably his fault that buffy had to kill angel in becoming... cheering her on! RRRRR i hate xander so much at this point i wish he would just leave the show somehow!! RRRRRRR

Kaylyn
I totaly agree. I miss Xander from the first season when he wasn't such a creep. He just bugs and pisses me off now. I didn't like him much in 1st season anyways. As the seasons are progressing, he just keeps getting worse. He thinks the world is revolved around him and he gets anything he wants. In Selfless, when Buffy tells him she has to kill Anya, he starts freaking out and telling her she needs to find another way. During that scene is showing how selfish he is. And in Hells Bells when he leavs Anya at the alter. Now he expects her to come crawling back to him. Please, get real. I wouldn't be suprised if he started trying to bribe her with $. I definately agree with the part about Spike. He treats him like crap for killing people to stay alive. Yet Anya just did it for other peoples vengeance. She has done far worse things than Spike and has tortured and maimed far more innocents than him. He also thinks he is soo great for saving the world last year. Uggg. He talked about a cayon people. I wish that Xander had died instead of Jenny Calander or Kendra. Hey, I wish Willow had strpped him of his skin instead of Warren. Warren was cool! Xander is also butt ugly too!
DIE XANDER! DIE
*runs around with a pitch fork and stabs Xander in the back*

Nuke
I would have to disagree on a lot of things,for one thing Xander in has made his share of mistakes,but hey haven't we all the human thing really comes into play here,and superhero Buffy sure has made her share of major mistakes as well,let's not forget all that crap she did in "When she was bad" and all the times she let Angelus go when she could have killed him which led to more deaths at his hands and the fact she has lied to her friends more than a few times..
I think "The lie" was more than justified because if I was in his shoes I would have lied to her as well,the fact she faltered more than a few times when it came to killing angelus more than justified his reluctance in telling her something that may have gotten her to wait and pull punches when the world was at stake,while hoping his sould would come back.
Xander has always been there to give Buffy support and to tell her when she thinks she is wrong,which is how and why she has stayed alive for so long,how long would she have lasted if she went the route of the alternate universe Buffy,her friends and their help and points of view help her see the big picture instead of just looking at it one way,and lets not forget Xander was more than willing to run out and die for Buffy not exactly the big jerk he is being made out to be.
I have no doubt the character of Xander truly loves Buffy and will support her and also let her know his feelings on subjects wiether she likes it or not is up to her.

Laura
I have to say I disagree stroongly with most of what you said. I LOVE Xander!!! He's always there to help out. And when your favorite slayer needs to be revived from death. He's one of the original scoobies and irreplacable!don't care how you spell that....lol....anyways, I guess that's just my opinion.

FutureSlayer
You are so completley right. What really riffs me is how much of a jerk he was with the Spike thing. Of course, Spike is good enough to protect Dawn and help fight demons when Buffy's gone- but not good enough to be a part of the group. And the way he treats Andrew kind of bugs me, of course the whole cast are total jerks to him, but Xander just seems to be meaner sometimes. Hello, he's killed someone and he's human, the SAME thing Willow did, and Willow deserves redemption, but Andrew dosnt! Eck, turning into my OWN rant huh? Lol, well Xander IS an ass! Especailly the like during "Becoming"! Your right!

Melissa
I love Xander! He's cute and he's funny and he always finds a way to make someone feel better when their feeling crappy. I just don't like how he 'used' to judge Spike too much, since I love Spike more then anything else in the world, but I do agree with what you said when you said that Xander had no right to be mad at Buffy when he found out she slept with Spike. K I'm done.

Amy
Well i agree with basically all you said... he always went on about who buffy dated and the whole angel thing he was a vicious killer blah blah blah how many times did he save xanders ass as well as buffy and the rest of the gang!? ... BUT did he ever disagree with who willow dated!? oz was a warewolf (and a bloody nice bloke with it so thats fair enough), then there was the whole thing with 'malcom' who started to worry about willow in that ep huh?! buffy! i would have thought Xander was her best friend!?!!

Amber
I'm totally lost in everything you said. Xander is *not* selfish. He is the heart of the scoobies and does everything in his power to help Buffy out. He even lost his frikkin eye! And that speech he made about Buffy leading them into battle...it was beautiful. Xander hasn't acted superior, he's acted like a friend. Sure he didn't like Angel. He had a crush on Buffy, any guy would be jealous. I think you're being a wee bit too harsh on him...but that's just my opinion.

Mandi
Xander does have a lot of good points, but like everyone, he also has a lot of bad ones. Everyone gets called on their mistakes and taken down a few pegs when they need to be EXCEPT HIM! And I am so glad there's someone else to rant with about the lie he told in becoming and how everyone was super tolerant of Anya (except Willow once when they weren't getting a long for a while) but he was never tolerant of Angel or Spike. And they weren't even evil then. And is it just me or was he more tolerant of Spike when he was evil? God, I was so glad to see the episode Yoko factor. They finally all ranted and yelled and got it all out. Then when the season ended, I thought it was going to be different from then on. That even though they'd be different because of what they went through, they'd end up being the scoobies again. And while they were all true friends, they never did until all the trauma, all the big stuff was over and they formed the new council. I think if we had ever gotten to see counsil life we'd see the sccobies as a whole again. I think we'd see them own up to everything they did, and come full circle. Once again the softer side of Xander would prevail. You see it in him, he shows it at times, but you gotta ask yourself, why doesn't he show it more?

Enna
I'm sorry, but while most of your points were valid, I cannot bring myself to hate Xander. When I first began watching Buffy, I wasn't much of a Xander fan, but last year, as Buffy was ending, I started watching reruns from the earlier seasons and I fell in love. Xander is clever, funny, giving and he obviously loves Buffy alot. Prehaps you wrote this before season seven, but Xander was amazing and courageous throughout the whole season. Let's not forget that, in season six, he saved the world!!! He saved Willow's life! His behaviour in season two was a bit disappointing, but a few mistakes don't make a man!! Also, has Buffy not made her fair share of mistakes? Probably more. Not that I hate Buffy, I am a proud adorer of every Buffy character, except for Riley. However, if Xander was such a horrible person, would the "saintly" Buffy still be friends with him? Everybody fights sometimes. I welcome your opinion, but I totally disagree. Inspite of Xander's faults, I love him!

Jessica
I think you do have some points but I just can't bring myself to even dislike Xander. It's just that he tries so hard to be a part of the group and do what he can inspite of his lack of powers. Sometimes he does tick me off and he can be hypicritical but honestly how can you hate him? Everyone has their flaws I think even though he does seem to be slightly prejudiced in the demon area with certain exceptions (i.e. Anya) he's pretty much a good guy that does what he fels is right. Plus I never really liked Angel anyway because I think he was a big dumb jerk who obviously didn't care about Buffy that much if he was willing to just walk away from her and where the hell was he during season 5 when Buffy died? Ok just turned my semi-defense of Xander into a rant against Angel but seriously he didn't deserve Buffy's love. The End.

Kimmie
Now, I don't disagree all the way. I do think Xander can be a jerk, and Hell's Bells made me hate him. But he IS the heart of the group, after all. I was rooting more for Xander in selfless, because I didn't like Buffy's attitude, but whatever.

 

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