Teaser:

Spike had no idea how long he screamed, as image upon image flooded his mind’s eye forcing him to relive each one of his victim’s deaths. His throat was painfully raw from screaming, his face covered in the tracks of his tears and he felt fear. He had not felt fear like this since he had been alive, since before Dru turned him.

He stumbled as he made it to his feet, his right hand reaching out to steady him as it came in contact with one of the cave walls, the demon who had gifted him with a soul was long gone. Sweat drenched his face as he gulped in air, his heart hammering in his chest, panic filled every pore of his existence and he felt like he was losing himself. Forcing his feet to move one in front of the other he made it out of the cave where he had faced his trial.

Continuing to place one foot in front of the other he made it another 10 feet and then the ground came rushing up to meet his face as darkness, merciful darkness, claimed him.

The peace of the darkness that covered his mind lasted ten seconds as the last words he had with the demon came back to him.

“You have endured the required trials.”

“Bloody right I have, so give me what I want. Make me what I was, so Buffy can get what she deserves.”

“Very well. We will return your soul!”  With that said the demon’s right hand shot out and palm flat lay upon Spike’s chest. As his hand met his flesh it glowed with a pure white light, Spikes eyes flew open in shock and surprise as his eyes filled with the same unearthly white light. His mouth opened as the light erupted from deep within and his screams of anguish pierced the silence of the night.

His eyes shot open as the dream gave way to the reality and Spike’s left hand shot up to touch his chest where the demon had laid his hand. Feeling nothing but his own skin. Adrenaline filled his body as he shot up into a sitting position and said the first words that came into his mind, “Bloody ‘ell!”

His body ached as he slowly rose upon shaky legs. He was exhausted and his chest hurt with each deep breath he drew into his lungs. As always when he was alone for more then a few minutes his thoughts turned to Buffy. The woman that he loved the woman that he would do anything for, the woman he had nearly raped. At that thought he froze, the breath he had just taken caught in his throat, his heart hammered in his chest and tears came to his eyes.

Sinking down on his knee’s he cried out into the silence of the night. His soul in pain, his heart breaking, and each lungful of air he took burned. His emotions in such turmoil he didn’t even realize he was breathing, or that his heart was beating. All he did know was he had to make this right with her. Somehow he had to let her know he was sorry for what he almost did to her. He had to let her know, that what he did was wrong. He would never again hurt her like that. He had to let her know that he finally understood, that one does not treat a woman like an object. He knew now that he could not just take what he wanted from her without her wanting it in return. He knew now that it was wrong.

Spike was overwhelmed with feelings emotions, on such a level that he had no idea what to do with them or how to cope with them. All he did know was he could not go on this way. For once in his life or undead life he had to make things right. He wanted to make things right. Even if she told him to get out after he explained. He had to try and if she told him to get out. He would for once in his life comply with another’s wishes.

His head shot back as his eyes searched the dark night sky his mouth opened as he shouted, breaking the silence of the night, “Damn bleedin’ demon.” He inhaled deeply and turned in the direction of the cave, moving without thinking he entered it and shouted in a frustrated voice, “What have you done to me?”

The demons glowing blue eyes appeared before him as he spoke in his gravely voice, “I have given you that which you sought, vampire.”

“You bleeding well did not. I asked...”

“You asked us to make you what you once where, so Buffy can get what she deserves.”

Spike opened his mouth to speak and again the demon continued before he could so much as utter a single word.

“We have done as you asked, vampire, we have made you into what Buffy deserves. Your trial is ended. Leave this place and never return!”

He did not even remember blinking but the demon was gone, releasing a growl he turned on his heel and walked out of the cave. Arching his scared eyebrow he turned to face the cave once more only to find it gone. “What the hell!” He muttered and again growled in frustration and took in a deep breath. That is when the weight of what he had become overwhelmed him. Again he growled and started to mutter more to himself then to anyone else, “I did not ask for a soul, I did not ask to have my heart jump started and I certainly did not ask to be capable of breathing again. You stupid git.” Spinning on his heals he walked out of the village as quickly as his legs would carry him. His internal clock told him he had a little over one hour till sunrise. He needed to get as far away from this place as he could between now and then.

“A damn soul.” He ground out between tightly clenched jaws, as he vamped out and bit his lip, feeling it bleed, his game face receding as he walked away thinking. ~this changes nothing~

41 Hours Later:

A confused vampire sat in Willy’s bar nursing a beer, his thoughts and emotions in total turmoil. He had been back in Sunnydale, for 5 hours. Clem had told him how Buffy had been shot and Tara killed by Warren. He learned that Willow had gone off the deep end, killed Warren and almost ended the world.  Without saying anything to Clem he went straight to Willy’s intending to get drunk and found he couldn’t. So he sat at the bar and nursed his beer. All he really wanted was to go to Buffy. Talk to her, hold her and beg her forgiveness. Finally after sitting in the same spot for almost 4 hours he made a decision. It was time to pay the piper.

Standing up he looked around one last time before heading out the door. His face reflecting the disgust he felt. One of the customers a biker type saw the look on his face and thought Spike had directed it at him. He stood up and followed Spike out.

“Hey, punk!”

Spike turned and looked at the overweight biker and thought to himself, ~great a bleedin’ human~.

The biker moved up so he was standing less then a foot away from Spike, “You want to tell me what that look was for inside!”

“Look mate, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about and I really don’t have time for this. So why don’t you just bugger off and we can forget about this whole thing.”

Without saying a word the biker drew back his beefy left hand and slugged Spike hard across his jaw. His head flew back as he tasted the blood flowing down from his split lip, controlling his anger he wiped at his bloodied lip with the back of his right hand and said, “Look mate, I have not had a good last 3 days. Lets just call this a mistake and I will be on my way.”

“No lets call this your funeral and how about I put you six feet under you freak.” Again a meaty left fist shot out and caught him in his right eye. The next punch found his stomach and Spike went down. The wind knocked out of him he pushed his hands against the pavement as a foot kicked savagely into his left side a rib snapping as he cried out from the pain.

Without so much as a thought he vamped out and stood to his full height, a trickle of blood flowed out of the corner of his mouth. He wiped it with the back of his left hand his eyes a golden yellow smoldering with undisguised hate for this human who was before him. As the biker pulled back to deliver another right cross to his jaw, Spike’s demon decided he had had enough and his left hand effortlessly reached up and caught the bikers fist in the palm of his hand and squeezed.

Two things happened simultaneously, the biker screamed in pain as he felt the bones in his right hand turn to paste and Spike felt no pain. As he realized he felt no pain from hurting this human he let slip his demon’s mask. Still holding the bikers fist in his hand he leaned his head towards his right ear and whispered, “Run!”

Not needing to be told twice the biker did just that cradling his right hand in his left he ran as fast as he could to get away from Spike.

The Bleached vampire stood there watching the bikers retreating back and said softly out loud, “This just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it? What comes next I get to walk in the bleedin’ light of day?” Shaking his head he turned and headed back to his crypt, he had a lot to think about.

Chapter 1

A figure stepped out of the shadows as the bleached blonde vampire walked out of sight. The small petite figure watched in awe at what had just happened and shook her head in confusion. “Spike.” She said softly her own heart feeling like it had just skipped a beat. Her mind made up she headed towards home.

Her thoughts confused as she pondered what she had seen. Spike back home and able to hurt a human. That in itself was enough to raise the hairs on the back of her neck but what was really confusing her at the moment was the question of why did he not kill him? “Stupid vampire!” She muttered under her breath as she continued on her way home. So caught up in her thoughts she didn’t even hear or sense her once mortal enemy following her.

He knew she was there he could smell her unique Buffy scent of vanilla. His heart nearly leaped out of his chest when he sensed her. After telling the biker to run, he headed towards his crypt to think and plan his next move. That was his intent until he sensed her. He could feel her eyes upon him and he had to get out of there so he headed to the only home he knew, his crypt. He almost made it there too. But the part of him that loved her with all his heart would not let his legs continue in that direction. Instead he found himself doubling back until he was some 75 yards behind her.

He knew she knew he was back and yet, he was hiding. Afraid to confront her, afraid she would tell him to go away and never come back. So when he heard her call him a stupid vampire all he could do was agree with her. He was a stupid vampire, here he had everything he could ever have wanted in this unlife and he had turned it into shit. In his selfish way he had almost raped the woman he loved, thinking that would be what she really wanted. As insane as he knew he was when he tried to take her in her bathroom. He thought she was doing what she always did, deny him and herself what she had wanted all along. Him. God he could not believe he had tried to do that. She deserved better then him and still he could not give her up. While she deserved better then what he once was he needed her as much or even more then the air that he now breathed.

Ever since the near rape he knew he had to make it right. That was, after all, the reason for his trip to Africa and his confrontation with the demon. Spike knew two things. One he had to change in order to give Buffy what she deserved and two, he had to make her see he would never hurt her again.

While he had always felt emotions strongly now he was experiencing guilt. That pain was perhaps the worst pain he could possible feel. His soul was at war with his demon and somehow he was going to learn to control it. He felt bad for all the lives he had taken over his 120 years as a vampire and then if he was to examine his feelings honestly. He knew all those lives he had taken were what had kept him alive. For without the blood of the living he would have perished and his demon was not going to allow that.

Again unbidden his thoughts returned to the bathroom and he found himself hurting her in his need for her. So self-center was he that he could not even tell she was hurt, though in retrospect he knew that was the case. She begged him to stop and all that did was fuel his demon further, fuel himself further to take what he wanted, never thinking about what she truly wanted. By time her pleading finally registered in his think brain, it was too late he had destroyed any trust he had built with her. In a moment of selfish need he had taken away that which he had built with her over the course of the last few years. “I really am a stupid vampire.” He said out loud as he almost walked right into her, so lost in his own thoughts was he that he had no idea he was that close to her.

She stood before him her hands balled up and on her hips. Her face tilted slightly to the left. Her face-flushed red with unresolved anger at this man, this demon, that had dared do that to her. Even through all this a part of her rejoiced in the fact that he had come back home.

He swallowed and inhaled deeply as he looked at her, his heart racing a mile a minute. He was once again scared to death of this little blonde that held his now beating heart in her hand. “Buffy, I…”

She didn’t even let him finish, “You got the chip removed didn’t you? I saw what you did to that biker outside of Willy’s. You hurt him, but then you let him go. Why?”

Cor, she was beautiful; everything he ever wanted was before him, this blonde petite bundle of energy. He loved her so much and all he could do was stare at her. His blue eyes locked into her hazel ones, again he found himself drowning in her. It was all he could do not to try to reach out and touch her. The scent of vanilla washed over him as she moved into his personal space and he did something un-Spike like at that same instant. He stepped back.

Her nostrils flared as his scent assaulted her, she inhaled the smell of tobacco and even the faint traces of leather. Fighting with herself to go to him and hug him to her. To convince herself he was real she said to him quietly, “Why Spike? Why did you let him go? I saw what he did he hurt you.”

“I didn’t want to hurt him.”

“But you could have?”

“Yes, I could have.” He took a deep breath and did the only think he could do, took the only option available to him, he spoke the truth. Fear showing through blue eyes as he spoke his voice full of compassion,  “Slayer… Buffy…” His over whelming need to reach out and touch her became to great as he tried to talk, emotion so thick he felt like he was choking. He moved a step towards her and her initial reaction caused her to take a step back. Feeling her discomfort he continued, “I am so sorry I hurt you. I know you must hate me, but you have to know. I understand now. I finally get it.”

Her eyes reflected her own emotional state as she reflected on the scene that had gone on before her, a part of her screamed it made no sense and part of her wanted it to be true. Two parts of the whole warring with one another, on the one hand she had every right to hate him. He had hurt her in a way no one had ever hurt her before, but then he was evil wasn’t he? She thought again, *"Wasn’t he?"* The other part of her loved him and needed him more then she knew one could need or love another. There in lied the problem her duel self in the past always getting in the way,

Not for the first time since he left she wondered if she had ever given him a chance. She wondered if she had ever really known him. God, she so wanted to know him. She so wanted to trust him. She was in such pain and she knew with out a shadow of a doubt he was in pain himself and there in laid the problem, he was evil he should not be feeling pain. *“Should he?”* She asked herself. All this flashed through her mind in two seconds. She put that line of self-doubt on hold and asked in a voice filled with wonder, “What do you get?”

“Buffy, I hurt you in a way that no one should ever have to experience pain. I thought that I could force you to love me. I love you so much it hurts. To think of spending my life without you makes me want to crawl away and wait for the sun to rise.” Tears came unbidden to his eyes as he continued, “I am sorry I hurt you Buffy Summers. I want you to forgive me so much, but I know you and I can’t go back to what we were. I see that now.”

She looked at him with her mouth slightly agape as he spoke and his words sunk in. “Spike, what happened to you? You’re acting almost…”

He finished the sentence for her, “Human, soulful? God, but I am such a pathetic poof.” He stood frozen to the spot his eyes locked with her own his own pain mirroring hers and for the first time in his life he had no idea how to fix something he wanted so badly. Taking was no longer an option for him. “I need to go Buffy. I can’t do this now. Just know I came back to make things right. I came back to give you what you need. I will never hurt you again, Slayer. Please, believe that. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused in the past and if you let me I will prove it to you. I just need you to give me one chance. Can you do that?”

As she listened to him something nagged at the back of her mind, if she was not so overwhelmed with what she had witnessed and what he was saying she would have realized she could hear his heart beating and the sound of his lungs pulling in much needed air, but for now that fact was lost on her.

She stood there looking into his blue eyes wanting so badly to throw herself into his arms and forgive him, forgive herself for forcing it to go as far as it went. She felt partly responsible for his almost raping her. She forced her thoughts away from that path and concentrated on guilt and pain emanating off the bleached blonde vampire before her, finally she spoke in a small voice. “I… don’t know if I can do that Spike. You hurt me so much. I just don’t know if I can trust you again. I should just stake you now and be done with it. You know that and I know that and yet, we both know I can’t. You don’t even have a chip anymore, how do I trust you to do what is right when there is nothing to control you any longer?”

He took a slow step towards her and without seeming to move at all he took her left hand and laid it palm flat over his beating heart and said to her, “Sometimes, Buffy, you have to just trust in what your heart tells you and forget everything else.”

Her eyes went wide as she felt his heart beating and for the first time ever she felt his chest rise and fall with each breath he took. Part of her screamed out this was a trick and part of her the part that loved him. The part that had always known she loved him, cried in silent wonder and joy and all she could ask was, “How?”

Chapter 2:  The Summers Home 4 Hours Later

Her eyes puffy from crying her heart shattered. She hugged Mr. Gordo to her as she lay on her back in her bed. She had played over the scene in her minds eye for the hundredth time. Spike in full demon face crushing the beefy bikers fist in his hand. Feeling no pain but looking as if it was a total surprise to him. From her hiding place near the front of the bar she heard Spike say in a voice filled with remorse a single word, “Run.” She watched as the biker took his advice and ran for all he was worth cradling his ruined right hand in his left.

She saw his demonic face slip away to be replaced with his human mask. Not for the first time did she wonder, which face was his true self. The demon or the human and not for the first time she wondered if it mattered. Her emotions where stretched so thin these days. Here in her room she could admit to herself she loved that stupid vampire more then she had ever loved Angel. Here she could lay bare her emotions and face the truth. Tears streamed down her face, her chest rising and falling as she struggled to get her emotions under control. “I love him so much and he hurt me like no one ever has before.” She spoke softly to Mr. Gordo. The only witness to what she felt was her betrayal to the human race. Her heart and soul belonged to a vampire. Her head snapped up and she shouted out to the empty room, “I can’t do this, I can’t. I can’t love him.” The words echoed off the cold walls of her room as she followed it with, “I can’t live without him, God, I love him so much.” Mr. Gordo just looked at her as she smiled weakly. “It’s not fair.”

In the hallway Dawn leaned against the wall and listened to her sister. She had listened to Buffy cry for the last two hours and she couldn’t help but feel her own heart breaking. She found out the hard way from Xander that Buffy was almost raped by Spike, a day before Tara was shot and killed by Warren. The bastard had shot her own sister, Willow was able to save Buffy by teleporting the bullet out of her and healing her, but poor Tara was already dead and there was nothing that could be done about that.

Dawn had lived through those hours of hell with her sister. Almost died in the Crypt with her, as Xander’s love for Willow saved Willow and the world from what could be referred to as, “The End of Days”. She had bonded with her sister that morning in a way that they had never bonded before the two sisters finally admitting that they needed one another. Each finally accepting the other for what she was.

It wasn’t as if Dawn meant to eave’s drop on her sister, but she couldn’t help it. She was woken from a sound sleep at 2:00 a.m.; the sounds of her sisters tortured cries filled the upstairs of the Summers’ home. She had gotten out of bed meaning to go to her but froze just outside the door when she heard for the first time that her sister was in pain over her love for Spike.

To say Dawn was confused would have been an understatement. Just the night before Buffy had told her what Spike had tried to do to her in the upstairs bathroom. She listened to her side of the story and it filled her with revulsion. To her Spike had always been this dark enigmatic hero in a black leather duster. He was her protector. He had protected her from Glory, almost died at the Hell Goddess’s hands. He was many things but a rapist, she had trouble wrapping her fifteen year old mind around that concept, but listening to her sister retell the tale and relive the moments. She’d no choice but to revise her opinion of the bleached blonde vampire she called friend.

Dawn’s biggest problem was what to do when and if she saw him again and deep down she knew she would see him again. It was inevitable Sunnydale was just not that big a town. Part of her wanted to stake him for what he did to her sister and another part of her wanted to shake some sense into him and demand he tell her why he would do something like that to someone he loved.

Now was not the time for introspection however and she brought herself out of her thoughts. Now was the time to help her sister deal with what had happened. She had been asleep when Buffy had come home from patrol so she had no idea that Spike was even back. Taking a deep breath she steeled herself and knocked on her sisters door. “Buffy?” She called out in a small shaky voice. “Can I come in?”

She heard movement behind the closed door and then it opened upon a sight of a Buffy whose face was streaked with tears. She looked as if her very heart had broken. “What happened?”

Buffy threw herself into her sister’s arms and sobbed out, “Dawny, he’s back!”

She held her sister in her arms and stroked her short blonde hair in a soothing manner, “Shhhh Buffy, it’s alright. I’m here you don’t have to go through this alone.” She held her sister at arms length and looked into her tear stained puffy eyes. “I am not going to let him hurt you again.”

Buffy looked into eyes too wise for their youth and laughed weakly, “When did my baby sister grow up?”

“About the same time you had me help you defeat all those demonie things in the crypt the other night.”

“Dawn, I don’t know what to do.”

She took her by the hand and led her downstairs to the kitchen and then placed her on a stool and started a pot of water boiling to make cocoa. “Buffy tell me what happened okay?”

Again she looked at her younger sister and sniffed once and then proceeded to tell her what happened earlier that evening. As she told her the story, Dawn made them both cups of cocoa with the little marshmallows. By the time the story was done the cups where empty and Buffy had to admit to herself, her sister had helped just by listening.

“Buffy what does it mean?”

“I’m not sure Dawny, I felt his heart beat, I could hear his lungs working as he breathed and,” she said the rest in a small voice almost afraid to voice what she really thought. “It is almost as if he has a soul.”

“But what he did to you was still wrong. I mean even I know that. You’re not going to forgive him are you?”

She sat there in silence, her eyes on her hands. That in it self was answer enough.

“You can’t forgive him Buffy? Can you?

“Dawny it is more complex then that.”

“Buffy!”

“Dawn, I…”. She almost choked on her words as tears began to fall from her eyes, “I need him. I don’t know if I can survive without him.”

She yawned as Dawn said, “Come on sis, time for bed.”

She rolled her eyes at her younger sister and said, “Yes, mom!”

Both girls stood and went up stairs to try and sleep. Buffy was exhausted from the emotional roller coaster she was on for the last seven hours or so and Dawn had a lot to think about.

Buffy lay down in her bed as exhaustion overtook her. Her head barely hitting the pillow before the merciful arms of sleep took her.

Dawn stuck her head in the door, seeing her sister asleep she walked in quietly, covered her in a blanket, turned out the light and went back to her room. Shutting and locking her door behind her she shook her head and said softly, “Spike, what have you done?” Her lips set in a tight line she made up her mind. Opening her window she crawled out and scaled down the trellis that was situated to the left of her window. As she neared the ground she pushed off and flipped over once in the air landing catlike in a crouched position, without a backward glance she muttered to herself, “Cool,” and took off at a sprint to find Spike.

As she entered Sunnydale Memorial Cemetery she quickly found his crypt and in true Summers fashion kicked the door open and yelled, “Spike, you and I need to talk.”

In the lower depths of the crypt the sleeping vampire shot awake instantly and muttered, “Bloody hell, doesn’t anybody ever knock?” Rising off his bed he slowly climbed the ladder, as his head cleared the hole in the ground that led to the upper level it was greeted with the flat of Dawns foot. Not prepared for it he fell to the ground with a thud and a curse. “Bloody chit, are you crazy?” He screamed up at the hole in the ceiling above him.

Without thought Dawn descended the ladder and kneeled down beside the bleached blonde vampire. “Stay down Spike, you and I are going to have a talk about what you did to my sister.”

Touching the back of his head feeling for blood, “Niblet, whatever you think you know you’re wrong.” He said trying to get up and she struck him with her fist in the nose knocking him back down.

He growled and let slip his human mask for his demonic one and then instantly shifted back again. ”Niblet…”

“Don’t call me that you lost that right when you tried to rape my sister, you bastard.” Her face red with anger, her eyes narrowed challenging him to deny it.

His left hand came up and wiped a tiny trickle of blood from below his nose, “What is it with you Summers women always goin’ for me nose.” He raised himself up on his elbows half expecting her to punch him again, when she didn’t he said, “Can I get up now or are you going to hit me again?”

“I’m not sure,” She said the anger still present in her voice as she looked into blue eyes laced with emotional pain. Disgusted and not sure what she was seeing in those eyes she rose up to her full height and began to pace.

Seeing his chance he slowly rose and moved to the foot of his bed sitting down on the corner of it. His eyes never leaving her moving form, at this moment she looked so much like her sister. Moving around like a caged animal. He had hoped to avoid seeing her for a few days. Hoped he could put this particular confrontation off until he had things sorted out with Buffy , but often what one wants and what one gets are two different things. “Dawn you have to know I would never hurt her.”

“Bullshit you manipulative bastard, I know what you did. You tried to rape her.” The emotional pain hit her full force at that moment as she continued in a small voice the anger almost gone from it, “I thought you loved her, I thought you loved us. You promised to protect us, Spike. You promised! You said you wouldn’t let any harm ever come to her again when she came back from Heaven.” Tears flowed freely down her face as she looked at him, giving him that trusting look that only he received from her. Her chest heaved with the effort, “You promised!”

Ashamed and disgusted with himself he looked away from her and took a deep breath to steady himself when he looked back at her his own eyes were brimming over with tears. So filled with guilt he couldn’t even form words.

Dawn’s own choked voice spoke out, “How could you do that to someone you love?”

His voice think with emotion he began, pain evident in his voice, “I have no excuse, Niblet. I don’t even know how to explain what I did to you. I can’t even explain it to myself, I had no right to put her through that, but you have to know that I love her with all my heart. I swear to you I will never harm either one of you again. Never! I would sooner walk out into the light of the sun then harm her again.”

“We trusted you.” She moved towards him and collapsed in his arms curling up in his lap. “She trusted you. She loves you and you did that to her. How can she or I ever trust you again.” She clung to him like a small lost child, begging him to explain and make it better her face pressed against his chest, feeling him breath and hearing the beating of his heart for the first time.

He stoked her hair, for a moment a part of him sang out hearing that Buffy loved him, then the moment passed and he muttered over and over, “I’m sorry, God I am so sorry.” The guilt evident in his voice, “I am going to make this right, Niblet, I don’t know how yet but I am.”

Turning her tear stained face up to look into his eyes she saw the love and devotion he held for her and her sister in his eyes. Saw his nostrils flair and felt his chest expand as he inhaled much needed air. “Spike are you breathing?”

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