Change In Me
 Parts 1&2


Written by: Joanne P.
 Author's Website





Summary: My version right after the last fight with The First.
Disclaimer: The show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of it's characters belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, & Fox Prod.
Please Note: it was written before the last few eps of Season 7. I borrowed some but not that much. Also, I know this idea has been used before, but I swear, I have not read any. I'd like to though, so if you know of any, please let me know.
Feedback: jtvp11@yahoo.com





Her words were ringing inside him. They echoed through the chambers of his inner ears, straight to the core of his brain and down his spine. "SPIKE, SAVE HER, DON'T LET HER DIE." Dawn was on all fours screaming at him. "I can't go through that again, save her!!!" He had some how managed to stand. Blood trickled down the left side of his face from the gash in his head. His right knee was fractured, maybe broken, but he ignored the searing pain. He managed, in a voice so hoarse it was almost gone, "Bit, I can't."

"YOU HAVE TO SPIKE, PLEASE. You are the only one."

Spike looked down in front of him. Buffy lay bleeding on the ground. She was covered in so much blood he could not see where she was bleeding from, but he knew that several internal organs were damaged. His vampire sense told him she would not survive much longer. He looked again at Dawn, her left arm split down the side, only she seemed not to notice. She too was losing blood quickly. He took stock of his surroundings. Willow lay in an unnatural twist moaning in pain. Kennedy lay next to her, motionless. Xander's head looked smashed in on one side, he was breathing. Anya had been cut in two halves at the waist. Slayers in training littered the ground, dead. Poor Vi's head was decapitated from her body. Andrew had been stabbed through the heart. He had a peaceful smile on his face. He found his true redemption.

He heard another moan and looked over to see Faith stir from her place on the ground. She came fully aware and as he had, took stock of her surroundings. She leaped up and fell back down. "Broken right leg, and broken left wrist." She said to no one in particular. She somehow managed to get over to Dawn and put the young girls arm up over her head. Faith took her t-shirt off; she had another short top underneath. With much agony she wrapped the shirt around Dawn's arm. "Wrist sprained, not broken," Faith said again to no one in particular.

Dawn was still pleading with him. Spike bent over as if in pain. He said in a strained voice, "Dawn, she's almost dead. Even I can't get her to help in time. I can't save her."

"NO!" Dawn screamed. "You can save her Spike!"

He turned and faced Dawn, and screamed at her, as he knew her meaning, "NO, I CAN'T. There is only one way to save her now and I won't do it. I won't do it to her. I love her, Dawn, I will not change her. I will not."

The wind picked up around them and Vi was standing in front of him. Only he knew it was not Vi.

"Come on Spike, you can do it. It's the only way to save her."

Morphing; then Drusilla stood in front of him, "Come on Daddy, take her and make her change. Save her as I saved you."

Morphing; then Joyce stood before him, "Do it for all of us Spike, save my daughter."

Morphing; then he stood before himself, "Go on mate, prove your worth, don't be a right bastard and let her die. Even nibblet wants it. Be a man, take charge, do it."

Morphing; once again and Buffy stood before him, "William, save me, please! I don't want to die. Don't let me die."

Spike held his head in his hands and screamed. "NOOOOOO!"

They could hear sirens in the distance. "Please God, let them get here in time," Spike said almost to himself.

The first evil looked at him with pleading eyes, still in Buffy's form. "They won't get here in time, you have to save me, please Spike. Save me and then we can be together forever. Make the change in me. Don't you love me, Spike?"

Faith then said, "Spike, maybe it's the only way." Her voice was unsure, but she looked him in the eye.

"What, so you can slay her as soon as she is turned? No chance. No!"

"It's really the only way, Spike, we can work out how to help her, maybe get her a soul too."

"You want me to take her soul and then get it back? It's really not quite that easy."

Dawn spoke to him in a low tone weak from pain and sorrow, "Please, I know somehow it will still be Buffy."

"No Dawn, it would not be." Spike had never been more honest in his undead life, "You did not know me as I was. William the Bloody was just that, Bloody! You only knew the vampire too concerned with getting Drusilla well, then the vampire handicapped by a chip implant." He took a deep breath, "Do not ask this of me. I cannot make her a monster. I won't."

"And if it ends up she won't change, then we will put her out of her misery for good," said Faith.

Spike's face was fierce and he turned directly to Faith, "I would never let you kill her. Never."

The sirens got closer, he turned to Buffy on the ground. Then back to Dawn. "Nibblet she has only moments. Come and say good-bye." "DO IT, SPIKE, DO IT NOW!!" Dawn scream had become a shriek, "You changed so can she!"

Spike's face went through so many changes that neither woman could read him. Then, he knelt down beside Buffy on his good knee. He lifted her body and cradled her in his arms. He turned to Dawn, "You do not know what you are asking. You do not understand."

"We'll fix it all, Spike. Please for me, do it."

He looked down at Buffy, then he lifted her head so that he could whispered in her ear. The others could not hear him. "I love you. I love you more than my life. I'm sorry Buffy."

"DO IT SPIKE," Dawn shrieked again.

He shook his head no. He lifted his face towards the dark night. His game face came on. He looked at Buffy's wounds again. Then he bent his head down and bit deeply into her neck.

He drank deeply, reeling from the taste of her, the power within her blood. She had been bleeding internally, and would have died in moments. So he drank. Stroking her hair, mentally asking her to forgive, he drank. He felt her heart slow to a whisper. He was careful not to take it all. Then again maybe he should, maybe he should just kill her and then himself. He raised his head from her neck. Buffy's eyes rolled back in her head. He hesitated for a moment. Then he tore his shirt open. He sliced into his chest with his thumb nail. He lifted Buffy's head to his chest and pressed her lips to his open flowing cut. "Drink of me my love. Change in me. Share my life."

Blood dribbled into her mouth from the cut, but her lips made no movement. Spike repositioned her head and his vampire blood poured down her throat. After a moment, her eyes sprang open and he pressed her lips to his chest. She drank.

The sirens were upon them.

Faith spoke, "Spike take her away. We will find you."

Spike pulled Buffy from his chest. She weekly begged him, "More please more."

The first morphed into its hideous form and rose high in the air above them. "YES, YES, YES!" Its laughter shook the ground around them. "It is done. One slayer left. No one to follow. It is accomplished." It disappeared into nothingness.

Spike, who still cradled Buffy in his arms, screamed from the depths of his soul, "aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggggggrrrrRRROOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaAAAAA AA!"

The sound from him scared Faith and Dawn more than the first's words had.

Faith thought he would fall to pieces right in front of them. He stood lifting Buffy with him. He turned to Dawn and Faith, the look on his face worn and crazed. In the flashing police lights Dawn saw and felt the pain at what he had just done to the woman he loved. The woman he had gotten his soul back for. What would this do him? What had they done to Buffy?

Without saying another word, Spike turned his back on them and moved himself and his woman into the darkness.

Dawn sobbed crumbling into the ground. Faith tried to comfort her. "It will be alright, Dawn, we will make it alright. I promise." But Faith's thoughts were not as sure, "What have we done?"

**** They wanted to keep Faith overnight for observation and for once in her rebellious life, she let authority have it's way. Her leg was not broken, just badly sprained. Dawn was next to her in the emergency room.

Faith was now The Slayer. She thought on this and physically shook with what all this would entail. "What have I gotten myself into? Do I really want this?"

"What?" asked Dawn who was being injected with something, her arm all stitched up and bandaged.

"Don't worry," the nurse said to Faith, "she'll be out in a moment, gave her a strong sedative to calm her."

They would be putting Faith, Dawn and Willow on the same floor. She had tried to find out more about Willow and anything about Xander, but no one was answering her questions. But the police had asked her many. She gave a story that they were attacked by a motor cycle gang. What else could she say? We just defeated the first evil, kinda?

She and Dawn would only have to stay the night, if all was okay, they'd be released. If all was okay. Now that was funny, thought Faith. When was anything ever all okay in Sunnydale?

Once they were settled in their room, Dawn finally out from the sedative, Faith went down the hallway. It was about four o'clock in the morning. She found Willow's room. She was out, heavily sedated and in a body cast. She found a nurse who finally answered some questions. Willow's back was broken, only time and therapy would tell if she would ever walk again. Xander was in surgery for a second time tonight, but they expected him to recover, from the surgery at least. She could get no more.

Her thoughts went to Buffy. Why had she allowed Spike to turn her? What had she been thinking? What if it ended up that she would have to kill Buffy? She'd have to kill Spike then too. She shook her head and sighed deeply. She found a seat in a nearby empty waiting space and sat on the chair. She put her hands in her head and sobbed. After a moment, she wiped the tears away and headed back to her room. She needed rest too. Needed rest to face the next day and all that lay beyond it.

Where had Spike taken Buffy? Was he okay? Was Buffy okay? Faith laughed at her own thoughts, for she knew in her heart that Buffy would never be okay again.

****

Spike was in the bottom of a crypt he had found. It was like the one he had had in Sunnydale only smaller. And it was in the next town over. He had only stopped at the old crypt to get a few supplies. He only told Clem, who now occupied his old crypt, who had lived and who had died. Clem just hung his head and wondered why. Clem asked about Buffy, Spike said, "Don't ask." Clem had no idea what he meant, but he saw the look on Spike's face, in his eyes, and tone in his voice. It scared Clem.

Spike had first taken Buffy into another crypt in their cemetery and finished the deed. Drinking from her, letting her drink from him. Now she slept. The sleep of the dead.

Spike threw the shovel aside and knelt next to Buffy's dead body. "My love, it will take a few days. I will watch over you. I will be here when you rise."

He gently picked up her body, then laid her in the shallow grave he had just dug. He put a small blanket over her face and then refilled the hole.

He packed the dirt down tight and sat next to the grave. He placed roses on the small pile, freshly placed roses he had taken from someone else's grave.

He started to hum a long ago hymn he somehow still remembered, but he could not get through it. His heart seemed to be bleeding. He had just killed the woman he loved. Killed her, and worse, turned her. He took the stake out from his jacket. The stake Buffy had been using during the fight. The stake he should have used on both of them.

"Will you ever forgive me? Will I ever forgive myself?" He laid the stake down and started to undo the dirt over her. He became frantic, he dug with his hands, screaming words no one would have understood. He got to her face and pulled the small blanket off. "NO NO! I was wrong. I should not have done this. I'd rather that you die, I'd rather that we both die." He lifted the stake up over his head and plunged it down towards her. He stopped, a hairs breath from her heart. He screamed so loudly it shook dirt off of the walls. He threw the stake across the small room. It splintered and fell to the ground. He picked up her body and again held her in his arms pressing her face to his heart. "I am so sorry, pet. I can't do it. No matter how little of Buffy remains in you, I cannot kill her. Forgive me. Forgive me please."

An hour later Buffy was again buried, and what remained of the roses laid lovingly atop her grave. Spike blew out the candles around them. He laid himself down next to the grave. For two hour he told Buffy all that was in his heart for her. Here, next to her shallow grave, where no one could hear. Not even the dead. When his soul was spent he said, "We will sleep now, my love. I will be here when you rise. I will be here for you, forever."

****

Faith had it, she had been miss goody two shoes for days now and she was plain tired of it. She could not get in to see either Willow or Xander, not being family. And neither of their parents knew her and neither of their parents listened to Dawn. And worse, she could not find Spike.

Everywhere she went people asked about Buffy. Where was she? Was she coming back? She had faked a letter to Dawn's school, signing Buffy's name and sending it along with the un-fake doctor's paperwork.

Where the hell was Spike? She had searched every cemetery within Sunnydale and then some. Between that and Dawn's eternal optimism, she was ready to kill.

She assured Faith that they would find Buffy, that Spike would never hurt Buffy, and that he would see to it that Buffy returned to them. Faith was not so sure of that. Soul or no, Spike was a vampire. She wanted to trust that Spike was as Dawn said, but since being here there had been little time for her to get to know him.

She had scared Clem out of his wits when she and Dawn went searching. But Clem saw Dawn and calmed himself. He told them that Spike had stopped by a few nights ago, but that he had not seen Buffy with him. And he told Dawn what Spike had said when he had asked about Buffy.

Dawn explained all to Clem and he promised to help in anyway. "If I see Spike or Buffy, I'll tell you. And I'll tell them you are aaahh, concerned," Clem had said.

Wow another helpful demon. Sunnydale was a trip, thought Faith. Good looking souled vamps and helpful wrinkly demons.

She had promised Dawn they'd try again to get in to see Xander and Willow. She was not taking no for an answer this time. She'd find a way in and get to them. And then tomorrow night, she'd find Spike and Buffy. Even if she had to beat up everybody in Sunnydale to do it.


****


Just before sunset the night before Faith's resolve to beat up anybody and everybody to get to and/or find the people she wanted to get to and/or find, Spike returned to the crypt with supplies. He started down the steps to the bottom of the crypt and turned and covered the hole leading to the steps. It was difficult. He was still healing from his wounds. His leg was still not good. It had been broken, but he was healing at an even quicker rate then ever. He surmised it was due to Buffy's blood now inside him. Slayer's blood.

It was the second time he had ingested slayer's blood. Once during the Boxer Rebellion when he killed his first slayer, and then again the other night, Buffy. He had not taken Nikki's blood, the slayer he had killed in New York, just her leather coat. Which he had really taken twice, once from the owner and again from the owner's son. Giles and the git Wood had left on a S.I.T. hunt and other things they said needed finding. They had missed the fight. Giles had miscalculated. Giles had miscalculated more than the final fight. But Spike had more important things to think about just now. He lit the candles he had placed around the shallow grave. He drank some of the blood he had bought at the butcher's shop. He needed to feed, he needed strength, so he could deal with the situation about to happen before him. Buffy the Vampire was about to rise.




Part 2

 


Even deep down in this hole Spike knew that the sun had finally set. It was an inherent vampire thing. He saw the earth covering Buffy in her shallow grave begin to move. He saw her sit up as she realized she was not buried deeply. She reached up to her face and removed the small blanket. He watched as her vampire eyes adjusted to the dim candle light. "Damn," she said, "I can see colors in the dark!" She lifted her face upwards and sniffed, then she turned her head towards his direction and in a questioning voice said, "Spike?" "Yes, it's me."

"I have about a thousand things going through my mind but mostly, I'm thirsty," she said.

"I know." he answered.

"Why am I sitting in dirt? What are we doing here, and just where is here?" She looked around her and then continued, "God I'm so thirsty and, and hungry. No thirsty."

"Same thing, pet."

She stood up and shook the dirt off of herself. "I also feel powerful, more than ever before." She looked straight at Spike and said, "And you look delicious." She stopped shaking the dirt off suddenly and said, "OH SHIT!"

"Yes pet, exactly."

"Where, what, how, why?!?" Buffy's game face came on and she attacked Spike.

He let her get several good blows in and then grabbed her arms. She was almost stronger than him as he was in the midst of healing, and she now had vampire strength mixed with slayer strength.

"I know that this is very hard for you to do at this moment, but think."

"I can't think, I'm so hungry, it's burning me, the hunger. Why Spike, why so hungry?"

Spike let go of her arms. She stood there and watched him pick up the clear plastic bag of blood. He bit into it and sprinkles of blood came out of the two holes. He handed it to Buffy. She grabbed at it almost dropping it and put it to her mouth. She tore into the bag and drank and drank.

A tear rolled down Spike's cheek as he watched.

****

Two huge bags of blood later Buffy the vampire lay on the dirt floor, blood dripping from the corner of her mouth. She burped, sat up and started to cry. Then she threw up.

Spike cleaned her off while the last of her humanity cried out of her. Spike sat next to her and told her the full story of all that had come to pass a few nights ago.

"This is a lot to take in, and I still am hungry and I still want to hit you or somebody," Buffy said.

"Yes, I know."

"Guess you went through this yourself."

"Yes," said Spike.

"But I remember Buffy, I remember all the feelings I have, had, for all of those people, but somehow, I hate those feelings."

Spike explained the changes she would be feeling in the next few days. He also explained that this is why they had to be in hiding for a while, not near those she once held near and dear.

"I'd kill them, wouldn't I?"

"Yes love, you always hurt the ones you love."

Buffy stared at him. She looked at him with those questioning eyes, "I don't seem to hate you. I mean there is something in you I totally dislike, what is it? I get mixed feelings from you. Why?"

"Because I am a vampire with a soul."

"A soul you got for me, or the other Buffy. Me I guess."

"Yes." Spike looked away from her.

"I loved you for that you know."

Spike turned his head so fast to her at those words, he almost got whiplash. "What did you say?"

Buffy looked him in the eye and said, "I said, I loved you for that." Then Spike fully heard her words, `loved you'. Past tense.

"Oh," he said.

There was a moment of silence and then Spike continued passing on the now-that-you-are-a-vampire information.

"You're very knowledgeable about all this. Did your sire teach you?" Buffy asked.

He knew that Buffy was fully aware of his sire, but he answered her, "Yes, Drusilla was there when I came out of the ground. She helped me feed for the first time. Hunting for me. Then she taught me to hunt and kill."

"Do all vampires fall in love with their sires?" asked Buffy.

"No."

"But you did, didn't you," Buffy the vampire taunted.

"Yes, I did."

"Do you expect the same of your creation, your child?" Spike stood up and walked away from her. He could not go far as the space was not large. He was so in love with her, even the now vampire of her, it burned. He could still sense the slayer within and he loved her, loved all that was now her. But she was taunting him. Trying out her evil skills. A child seeing how far she could push her parent.

"Will you teach me to hunt and kill?"

It was almost too much, he could not take it. His soul cried out inside of him. Mistake, this was a mistake. Look what you have done?

He kept his back to her, she was still sitting on the ground. He spoke, "If you never taste human blood, you may not acquire a taste for it. At least that is what I am hoping for. I will provide the blood for you for now. I will not teach you to kill."

"That's not a very nice sire," Buffy continued in a taunting tone.

"I will not teach you to be a killer."

"I was a killer, I killed our kind and others."

"You were a slayer, not a killer."

"Same thing," Buffy said, now sounding bitter.

"No Buffy, it is not the same thing. Not at all."

"That's not what you use to say. Is it? When we were having our little fling and you were trying to turn me to the dark side."

"That was before."

"Before you got that pesky soul."

Spike's jaw clenched tightly and he put his hands up against the wall. Then made a fist with his left hand and punched the wall. He punched so hard, he made a hole.

Buffy was behind him. She pushed herself against his back. Wrapped her arms around his waist. He sucked in his breath, her touch still aroused him more that any other woman's. She purred to him, "Poor Spikie, poor baby, he has hurt his hand."

He put his head against the wall. But it was a mistake for as his body moved forward so did hers. Her body, her breasts, pressed more against his back.

"Please Buffy, don't do this. Not yet, not now."

Buffy took her arms down and took one step back. Then she said, "But that's exactly what I want to do, sire, I want to please you."

He turned around and faced her. His face strong with emotion. He said, "I will not teach you to kill humans."

"Then teach me to please you."

His mind went blank. He could not think. He did not want to speak anymore. He wanted her more now then ever. She lifted his left hand, which was still clenched in a fist, in both of her hands. "Tsk, tsk," Buffy said to him, "My baby is hurt and bleeding." She lifted the bloodied hand to her lips and deftly licked the blood away.

Spike almost sank to his knees.

"Don't Buffy, don't," his voice was deep with desire, "Please pet, don't."

She continued to lick. Then she took one hand and put it under his t- shirt and started to rub over his chest. "Such muscle tone, hmmmm." and she purred and continued to lick.

She dropped his hand and looked into his eyes, her lips red with his blood, like some morbid lipstick. He tilted his head upward so he could not see her. But she put both hands under his shirt and let them roam freely over his chest. She squeezed his nipples then said, "Mmmmmmm, Spike your muscles let me see them as well as feel them."

She removed his shirt, he gave no resistance, and then she undid his belt. "I want to see it all Spike, let me see all."

She undid the button and then the zipper. His erection came out towards her. He was so hard it hurt. She saw how hard he was and she looked back up into his eyes and said, "Yes, sire, yes."

He could not stand it, he kissed her hard, smearing his blood that was on her lips over the both of them.

He felt her cold mouth on his, her cold tongue searching his. He missed the warmth she once had for only a moment. She broke apart from him to pull his jeans down, then stood back to admire.

"I've always loved your body, Spike. So lean, so hard, so ready, so capable."

Spike growled and grabbed her, he lifted her up and then laid her down in the dirt. He got all the way out of his jeans and then started to undress her. He ran his eyes and then his hands over all of her. He could not stop. He'd ached for her for so long now. He took one nipple into his mouth and sucked hard. She moaned. After a while he ran his tongue from that nipple to the other, and then sucked on the second one. He continued this as she moaned and wiggled beneath him. She spoke in gasps as she was so aroused, "Spike, pleasssse, I want...let me be... on...top...please, let me..."

With a swiftness that made her gasp, Spike switched their positions. She now straddled his waist.

She could feel his long hardness behind her. She rubbed her butt up against it and then said to him, "Impale me Spike. Do it now."

He lifted her up and placed her down on him, she moaned with pleasure and they began to pump up and down with each other.

Spike screamed, "Buffy, Buffy."

Buffy then spoke to him in a sultry voice as she rode him, "Teach me Spike, teach me how to please you, show me all the ways to please you. Show me all the ways to love you."

Spike's passion went mindless as he heard her words, felt her tight muscles wrapped around him.

"Anything, love, I'll show you anything you want. Anything."

Buffy laughed then said, "I knew you would not let me down, I knew you would still want and love me, as I want you. Spike I love you." Spike roared at her words and his game face came on. He put his hands on either side of her hips. He took over their movements. He pumped into her so hard she screamed, not believing the pleasure. His moans were animalistic, he rammed into her with vampiric fierceness. Buffy reached her orgasm and her muscles clenched his hardness.

Buffy was rocked from side to side as he came inside her.

He reached up and lifted her off of him and then laid her down atop him. He held her there softly and whispered sweet things into her ear as she mmmmmmmmm'd to his words and fell to sleep.

They woke about an hour later. Buffy looked down at him to find that he was already awake. "Have I told you lately how damned sexy you are, not to mention how good you are at that?" Buffy asked Spike. "No pet, you never mentioned it."

"Well it was a huge oversight on my part."

Spike smiled and hugged her. He'd never let her go now, he'd give to her anything and everything through all of eternity.

"And you won't mind if I fall in love with you then, sire?"

"No, pet, I won't mind at all."

"And you won't mind if I tell you I'm hungry."

Spike laughed, "No luv, I know the feeling well."

"But we are out of blood," Buffy said with a pout on her lips. Spike smiled at her pouting and said, "Not really pet."

He kissed her. When he finished the kiss, he let her nestle her face against his neck.

"Well?" Spike said to her.

"What....ohhh," Buffy said as she came to understand. Her game face came on and she said, "Are you sure?"

"I intend to take care of you from this moment on, love. Anything I have to give is yours. Yes, I am sure."

She sank her fangs deep inside his neck and drank, moaning with pleasure as she did so. All the while Spike held her in his arms, he whispered, "I love you Buffy, now and always."

****

Dawn wept.

"We'll find them Dawnie, I promise. It's right now taking all my strength to heal myself, but I will be able to locate them, I know I will," Willow said.

Dawn and Faith were in Willow's hospital room.

"I know you will try, but what if they don't want to be found?" "Dawn, Spike still has his soul and he will help us get Buffy's back for her. Besides, if he doesn't, we will make him. I still have a lot of power, even if I am in a wheelchair! Which by the way has completely baffled my doctors" Willow smiled at this, liking the baffling her doctors.

"And Xander?" Faith asked.

"There has got to be some spell to get a person's memory back. I mean there just has to be," Dawn answered for Willow.

"I'm sure there is Dawn," Willow said, "But let's concentrate on one problem at a time. I mean let's let Xander heal before he has to remember Anya's death, the hell mouth and all the other joys of living in Sunnydale."

"You're right, of course," Dawn said.

"Look," said Faith, "after patrol tonight I'll go through some other cemeteries and see if I can locate them, if not, well try the location spell tomorrow. Okay?"

Dawn smiled at Willow and Faith. "Okay!"

****

Dawn answered the doorbell and backed away quickly as Spike came in quickly. It was day time and Spike had his blanket over his head. He put it down in a corner and Dawn jumped on him, hugging him. "Dawn, Dawn, lil bit, please." He was still smoldering from the sunlight.

"I'm sorry Spike," Dawn said. She was then looking behind him. "She's sleeping. New vampires sleep during the day the first few weeks."

"Oh," Dawn said a bit disappointed, "Is she okay, when can I see her, can we go now? Where is she..."

"That's what I came to talk to you about."

Spike went into the kitchen as he heard noise coming from there. "About freakin time, Spike. Where the hell is Buffy?"

"Nice to see you too, Faith."

"Yeah, yeah, save the small talk crap. Where the hell have you been?"

Spike looked around the kitchen. "Anybody else here?"

"Yes, Willow is upstairs."

"Well then let's all go up to Red, and talk."

Faith gave him a look he decided not to read, and the three of them went upstairs.

Willow was sitting up in bed, looking through a spell book. "Ahha, I did it," she said when she saw Spike, "I told you I could locate him." All of Willow's power was being used on herself to heal, so other spells were slow to work for her just now.

Spike smiled at her.

"How's the healing goin, Red?"

"Slowly but surely. Where's...."

"Buffy?"

"Yeah, Spike, where is she?"

"Locked safely underground."

"Spike?" Dawn started. But he put his hand up.

"New vampires go through a lot of changes. If I let you see her now, she will try and kill all of you. Just like all vampires. The demon hates those we still feel love for, so we usually...well we kill our families first."

"Did you kill your family Spike?" Dawn asked.

"I only had my mother and a few cousins." His face grew dark then seemed to change and he said, "In fact one of my cousins married..." "This history lessons interesting, not. Where is Buffy?" Faith said sternly.

Spike looked at her with just a touch of hate, waited a half of a beat and then said, "She's safe and secure."

Willow as ever tried to break the tension in the air and said, "Spike, we are just concerned. How is she?"

"Vampire."

"I know," said Willow, "But how is she?"

"Willow," Spike started, "She's okay, but she's... she's not ready to see any of you yet. I've asked. I've tried. What she is interested in is learning how to hunt and kill her food."

Dawn drew in a deep breath then let it out in an, "OH!"

"I'm sorry, Dawn," Spike said sincerely to her, "I did try and warn you."

"I know," said Dawn.

Spike turned to Willow, "I've been teaching her different things, making her discover different aspects of being a vampire. Speed, strength, things like that. To keep her, aahh, occupied."

"Is it working?" Faith asked.

Spike turned and looked at Faith and said, "For now."

"And how are you keeping her from hunting and killing and feeding?" Dawn asked.

"I have my ways," said Spike.

Faith looked Spike up then down, slowly. Then said, "I'll bet you have."

A look passed between Spike and Faith that Dawn did not fully understand, so she tried to get the conversation on track.

"Spike, I really have to see her."

"I know. Give me a few more days, I'm sure I can handle her. We're pretty much equaled in strength now. Except..."

"Your soul?" asked Willow.

"Yeah, I don't do things as whole heartedly as I would have, so sometimes she can best me. But I can manage her when I have to."

"I thought," said Dawn, "that being she was the slayer, that she wouldn't want to..."

"Kill," said Spike.

"Yeah," said Dawn.

Spike turned to Dawn and looked at her, "You're a bit right about that, pet. There is some conflict, but it's not easy not doing what the demon inside wants her to do."

"Kinda like when the first had a hold of you, Spike?"

"Yeah, in a way. But Dawn, she's a strong, smart woman. I'm betting on Buffy."

Dawn smiled and hugged him.

"Look, she needs some of her stuff. I have a list here." He handed it to Dawn who recognized her sister's hand writing and hugged Spike again. After all now she had proof Buffy was alive. She ran to Buffy's room to put together the stuff.

"Sooo," said Faith.

"So," Spike said to her, "I'm taking her outside tonight. I want you to stay away, you'll just sod things up if you come near her."

"Ooowww, tough talk, Spike."

Spike clenched his teeth then relaxed his jaw. "I'm doing this for Buffy, not for me, not for you. I'm trying to convince her to get her soul back. I can't do that if you are bloody following our every move!"

Faith backed down a bit. She was not sure why.

Willow and Spike talked a bit more after Faith left the room to go and help Dawn.

Half an our later as Spike was leaving, Buffy's stuff in a bag, blanket over his head, Faith opened the door for him. She gave him a strange look, another look he was sure he did not want to read.

Finally she said, "You still love her." A statement, not a question. Spike raised an eye brow towards her, "And?"

"And nothing." said Faith.

She watched as Spike ran towards the nearest man hole cover, opened it and jumped down into it. She watched as it got resealed from the inside.

She closed the door. "Oh B, you sure do know how to pick 'em don't cha. Wouldn't have minded getting a few lesson from him myself. Not to mention giving him a lesson or two in return."

****

"That wasn't very nice," Buffy said with a pout on her lips. Spike came forward towards her out the dark corner of the crypt. "What wasn't nice of me, pet?"

He loved it when she pouted.

"Making the hatch way thingie too hard for me to open."

"Oh that," Spike said with a smile.

"I woke up, you were gone, I couldn't get out. What if something happened to you and I couldn't ever get out?" The pout was even more prominent now.

"Never happen luv, never."

"So you say, Mr. Big Bad!"

"You know I'll always get back to you, always."

"hhmmm," she answered, smiling coyly. "I know it."

They looked into each other's eyes for a moment and then Spike said, "I brought the things you wanted from your room."

"Oh Spike, you are the best!" She kissed him on the cheek and took the bag from him. He watched as she went through the bag. She found a note and looked at him.

"Probably from lil bit."

"You're probably right," she said looking at it. She hesitated for a moment and then opened it. She read it and turned to Spike, "She misses me and wants to see me."

"Yeah, I know. Question is, do you want to see her?"

She began looking through the bag again and said, "I'm hungry," avoiding the question. Or was she answering it?

"You're always hungry." Spike said with a laugh.

Buffy stopped looking through the bag and looked coyly at Spike saying, "I'm always hungry for you, if that's what you mean."

Spike glared at her and said, "Don't play me, Buffy."

"I'm not," the pout again, "I only mean that I can't decide which I am more hungry for. You or blood." She moved towards him, reaching out, putting her both hands on his chest, "And you've managed so well in satisfying both of my hungers."

He grabbed her and kissed her. She pressed her body up against his and started to move her hands over his... He broke the kiss.

She pouted. "What's wrong, Spike?"

"Nothing love, only if we start, we'll never get out before daylight."

"We're going out!!! Oh yes, please Spike, I want to go out."

"Sorry about the cabin fever pet, but I had to gain some strength before letting you loose on the night."

"Why, what are you afraid of?"

"You."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you, and what you are capable of."

"You've handled everything so far."

"That's down here."

"Spike, I..."

"Get ready Buffy, I'll be up top when you are done."

Could he control her? Did he want to control her? He'd been trying for months now to control himself. It was easy, because he did it for her. Because of his love for her. He did all things for her. He even made her a vampire to save her. No Dawn wanted that, not him. No, be honest, you wanted her alive, anyway you could get her and keep her.

She came up and they left the crypt. There was a full moon out and she just stood there, breathing in every scent she could.

"You're beautiful in the moon light."

"Oh Spike, you are such a romantic."

"What can you sense, Buffy?"

She stood there, taking it all in for a moment. Then she spoke, "Death, rotting, animals full of blood."

They walked a few feet. She saw everything with her vampire eyes. "Spike, it's so beautiful and a bit scary too. I mean I can feel the creatures of the night about me, even more so then when I could sense them when I was the slayer. And I can feel you Spike. Feel your power, feel your hunger," she turned towards him, "feel your soul."

He put his head down. She went to him and put her hand to his cheek, "The soul you got for me."

He looked into her eyes trying to read her. She continued, "Does it still hurt? Does it still burn?"

"Yes."

"When you remember? When you remember all the terrible things you once did?"

"Yes."

She hugged him. She kissed him quickly and then said, "Show me the night, my souled vampire, show me the night."

****

Four nights later, Dawn ran to the front door and opened it every time she heard a noise.

"Dawnie, calm down, it's only been dark for 10 minutes. Give them some time." Willow came and closed the door. She was able to walk as long as she used the walker. She was using every power, every ounce of strength, but she was determined to walk sans walker in a few more weeks. She wanted to do it faster, but she knew that she had rushed it already. Any more pushing herself and she'd relapse. Better to use the walker for as long as necessary and to get plenty of rest. "How do you think she will look? Will she remember us? Will she still love us?"

"I don't know Dawn, honestly, I just don't know."

Spike had come to them late last night and said Buffy wanted to see them, wanted to see her home. He explained that the first night out he had to stop her from attacking several humans. She went crazy at her first smell of fresh human blood. But he managed to stop her and they got blood from the butcher shop. Then the next night she hunted for animals. He had to let her, as the instinct to hunt and kill was too strong and at least she settled for a....he would not tell them what she settled for.

The next night they had killed a couple of demons and shortly after that, she asked to see her family and home.

He was sure he could control her, if need be. Dawn remembered the fierce look he gave Faith when she said that she would take care of it if need be. Dawn shivered and decided to put it out of her mind.

Faith walked into the room. Dawn knew she had the stake on her as always, but she wished she did not, then again maybe better safe then sorry.

Faith was pacing. Willow sat in pain. Dawn could not stand it any longer.

Then suddenly, a knock at the door.

Dawn ran and opened it. Spike stood there, he moved, and there was Buffy.

"Buffy, Buffy, oh Buffy, how I've missed you," Dawn yelled as she hugged her sister.

Buffy sniffed and then hugged her back.

Spike said, "May we come in?"

"Of course, DUH," said Dawn.

Buffy smiled and walked through the doorway.

She went to Willow, with Dawn still half hanging on her. She knelt down in front of the red head. "How are you, my best friend?"

"I'm okay Buffy, how are you?"

"Very different and yet very the same. I was sorry to hear about Kennedy."

"Thank you," Willow said.

"And how is Xander?"

"He's doing so much better, but he still does not have his memory back," Dawn answered for Willow.

"Hey B," said Faith

"Hey Faith," said Buffy. She made no move towards Faith, but her greeting was friendly.

"So," said Faith, as Buffy, Spike and Dawn sat on the couch, "what's it like?"

"What's what like?" Buffy said, knowing damned well what Faith meant. Faith wanted to say "What's it like screwing Spike every night," but she didn't. Instead she said, "Being a vamp."

"Strange. I'm not sure I'm liking it too much, yet, anyway. How do I look?"

"Like you need a tan," Dawn said.

"'Fraid that's out of the question, Nibblet," Spike said.

"You look great, Buffy," Willow said.

"Thanks, Spike helped me with my hair. It's just there was no shower and well we decided up was best."

Faith looked at Spike. Spike looked at Faith . Buffy looked at Faith looking at Spike. Then Slayer and former Slayer locked eyes. It was a tense moment, but then Buffy smiled.

Willow said, "Buffy would you like to see your room? It's just as you aaahhh, left it."

"Where are you sleeping?" Buffy asked Faith pointedly. "On the couch for the moment."

"Buffy, why don't you go up and see your room and get the other stuff you want," Spike said to her. She turned to him and nodded and then made her way past Faith and to the stairs. Dawn went to go, but Spike held her back.

They watched as she went up the stairs.

"Aren't you gonna stay here?" Dawn asked Spike.

"I don't think that it would be wise at this point."

"I'm not sure it will ever by wise," Faith said.

"This is my house, Faith, and I'll have in it anyone I want."

"Even a dangerous vampire?"

"It's Buffy, and, and it's still her house too!!" said Dawn.

"No Dawn, it's a vampire. I can sense it. I could sense it before they got to the door."

"Listen Faith," Spike said Faith as if he had said bitch, "We are all taking it one step at a time. I brought her here so the get-your-soul- back-asap-Buffy campaign could start. But let's ease into it a bit eh? She's trying the best she can. She's going against every bloody thing her un-beating heart is telling her to do."

"I think that's because of you Spike. I think she's following your lead." Willow said.

"Well your sire is your link in the beginning, if you're lucky enough to have one that sticks around, and I'm not going anywhere." He said that last bit looking dead on at Faith.

They heard something drop to the floor above them. Spike said, "Let me go." So they did.

* * * *

Her hair was no longer up. She had dropped the hair brush onto the floor. She was standing before the mirror crying. She sensed him as he entered the room. She turned to him and said, "I can't see, I have no reflection, I can't see to fix my hair. I can't see myself."

"I'm sorry baby," Spike said, taking her into his arms. "I'm so sorry."

She looked up at him. He put his hand through her hair and said, "Anytime you need to know just how beautiful you are, look into my eyes, and see."

She clung to him. "Spike, I'm so scared."

"I know pet."

"I'm afraid of myself. Afraid I might do something I don't want to do. I want so badly to go out into the night, to destroy, to kill. To kill those I use to protect."

"I know. But I'm here and I will help."

"Spike, can we stay here? Can we stay here tonight."

"Anything you want, luv, anything."

Dawn spoke from the doorway. "Plenty of blood in the frig. I was hoping you'd want to stay."

Buffy went to her and hugged her. Then quickly moved away from her.

"Sit down, pet, and I'll go get you some," Spike said to her gently.
 

 


TBC...

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