FEELING

Part 4

Written by: Martine Lewis


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Summary: Despair from being resurrected catches up with Buffy. Spoilers: Up to Wrecked. A/U: 'Once More, With Feeling' and Tabula Rasa never happened and Buffy hadn't told anybody she was in Heaven.
Disclaimer: The show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of it's characters belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, & Fox Prod.
Special Thanks: Sincere thanks to Dawn Pares for review and comments. She really helps me a lot to improve.
Author's Note: English is second language here… please, be kind…
Feedback: Please, I want plenty! lewis_martine@yahoo.ca


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If he hadn’t held her, she would have had collapsed. She was not crying this time. She only looked around with big terrified eyes, taking everything in without seeing anything.

She looked insane.

And Spike got scared.

She was still not able to hold herself up, so he took her to the bed. And he realized that she was not seeing anything, she wasn’t seeing him, and he could feel that a door had closed in her mind.

“Buffy? Luv?” he called.

But she was still catatonic, staring.

“Buffy!” he shouted.

No response. And he slapped her.

And she flinched.

“Buffy! Stay with me, here!”

And she looked at him like she hadn’t seen him all day.

“Buffy, Luv, are you with me?” he asked caressing the side of her face, the side he had slapped.

Slowly, she nodded.

“Buffy, Luv! I love you… I’ll be there for you as long as it’s possible for me to stay al-… to exist. So please, please don’t despair. I’m not going to leave you and I’ll even say that I won’t hurt you… unless you hit me first, that is. We are fighters after all, so we most probably will end up hitting one another from time to time. But I want you to always keep in your mind that anytime you need to talk, or you need to cry, or you need a refuge, I’ll be there.”

“Spike, if I become insane, will you put me out of my misery?”

Spike felt a lump growing in his throat and he looked away.

“Yes Luv, I will if there’s no other way to bring you back to yourself.”

“You promise?”

“Yes, I promise,” he whispered. That was by far the hardest promise he had ever made.



***

“So Dawn, what was Buffy doing today?” asked Xander once they were in the car.

“She stayed home and relaxed,” answered Dawn.

“Oh! She’s in?”

“Yep. She’s sleeping,” answered Dawn.

‘I hope he’s not going to catch me stretching the truth,’ she thought.

And he didn’t. Dawn was relieved that he didn’t ask more questions about Buffy’s whereabouts. She was not the greatest liar in the world and quite frankly, she didn’t want to lie to her friends.



***

“You know, we haven’t done anything all day… Maybe we should go get Dawn at the Magick Shop and patrol a little,” said Buffy.

“Is that really what you want to do?” asked Spike.

Buffy nodded.

Half an hour later, they were in Buffy’s mother car, on their way to the Magick Shop. Buffy had let Spike drive because, on top of being a very distracted and poor driver, she didn’t feel like doing anything.

They were silent. They didn’t need to talk, just knowing the other was near was enough for them.

They got to the store and walked in, Buffy first, as usual, and Spike following her, playing with the car keys. And that’s when Buffy began to feel alien and obliterated by her surroundings and the people in the shop. This overwhelming sense made her takes a step back and she bumped into Spike.

Willow was sitting with Dawn at a computer and they were speaking quietly. Dawn was actually the one typing, which was pretty unusual.

Anya was counting the money they had made that day and Xander was standing behind the counter with her.

When they heard the bells at the door, they looked up, a little bit puzzled to see Buffy standing so close to Spike.

“Buffy!” said Willow smiling.

Buffy couldn’t smile back. She just felt too alienated, especially since her day with Spike. She craved the feel of his arms around her, but now was not necessarily the time. She was glad when she felt Spike’s hand on the small of her back. His touch gave her courage, courage that she needed badly.

“Hi!” she said. “Dawn, we though that maybe we could pick you up.”

“Thanks,” said Dawn standing up and smiling.

***

Xander looked at Buffy and Spike puzzled. ‘We?’ he thought.

And he realized that she was standing very close to Spike… and he was touching her!!!

“Buffy!” he said. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

He looked at Spike. “Alone,” he added.

Without answering, she walked out of the store and Xander followed her, looking at Spike. He had the weird impression that Spike was growling at him.

“So, Buffy, what have you done all day?” asked Xander once the door was close behind them.

“Xander, you didn’t take me aside to talk about what I did all day so cut to the chase,” said Buffy, not amused.

He had taken her away from Spike’s touch and she was far from being happy. She realized that the anger she felt was disproportionate to Xander’s request but she couldn’t help it. She felt angry, and her anger was running deep.

“Buffy, what’s going on?” asked Xander, upset.

“What do you mean?” asked Buffy.

“You tell me!” replied Xander, pacing. “Not only was Dead Boy’s bike at your house today, now you show up with him. We both know that Spike wouldn’t just leave his bike in your driveway, in plain view of everybody… He just likes this piece of junk too much for that! Even if Dawn said that he left it at your house, I don’t believe it. Furthermore, you show up at 10:30 which time, I might remind you, you’re supposed to be patrolling, isn’t it? And on top of it all, you let it touch you! Apparently, the others didn’t see it, but Buffy, you can’t fool me!”

Buffy didn’t even blink. Xander might as well be talking to a wall.

“I love him,” she said distantly.

Xander stopped pacing and looked her in the eye, shocked.

“Wh-what?” he said. Xander started pacing again. “You can’t be serious, Buffy. That is the ‘oh-big-evil-vampire-if-I-didn’t-have-a-chip-in-my-brain-I-would-kill-you-all’ we’re talking about! He can’t love! IT can’t love”

“I love him. Take it or leave it.”

“Buffy…” said Xander putting his hand on her shoulder.

Buffy tightened at his contact, which surprised Xander.

“Buffy, you can’t love him, he's a hellbeast… Of course, he’s probably a little better compared to what you saw when you were in…”

“Who told you I was in Hell?” said Buffy very evenly.

Horror filled Xander’s eyes as he realized what she just said.

She hadn’t been in Hell?!

“Buffy, you were in Hell, right?” asked Xander with panic in his eyes.

Buffy didn’t answer. She stared at him for a few moments, and walked back in the store. Xander didn’t follow.

Dawn was ready, and they left without another word.

***

Willow found it very strange that Buffy hadn’t even said goodbye, but what made it a lot weirder was the fact that she thought she had seen Buffy’s hand going to Spike’s while they walked out of the store.

“Where'is Xander?” asked Anya. “Why did he stay outside?”

“Don’t know,” said Willow distantly. “Let’s go see.”

Anya walked out of the door followed by Willow. They found Xander some thirty feet from the Shop’s door, sitting on the sidewalk, with his back to the wall and his legs to his chest. He was blankly looking straight in front of him.

“Xander, what’s wrong? What did she do to you?” asked a worried Anya, putting her hand on his shoulder.

“No, not what she did to me,” said Xander in a disgusted voice. “What we did to her!”

“We didn’t do anything to her,” said Willow.

“Oh yes, we did!” cried Xander. “We brought her back! And on top of it all, we wanted her to thank us for it.”

“But Xander, she was in Hell,” argued Willow.

“Who told you she was?” said Xander vehemently.

“She was,” said Willow stubbornly.

“No, she wasn’t… We took her away from Heaven! Oh my God! What have we done?”

“No,” said Willow, standing. “No!”

And she ran away. Anya helped Xander to his feet. “I always thought it was a bad idea.”

“You were right, okay?” said Xander angrily. “And so was Spike!”

***

“Pet, what did you tell him?” asked Spike on their way home.

“Nothing,” answered Buffy.

“Well Luv, he was pretty upset for someone you hadn’t told anything.”

“Well, I told him stuff.”

“What stuff?” asked Spike.

“Well, I told him where I was.”

Spike’s jaw dropped. “You mean where you were before… before…” began Spike before he remembered that Dawn was with them.

Buffy didn’t answer.

“Before what, Spike?” asked Dawn, who was sitting in the back.

“Nothing Niblet, nothing,” answered Spike, still confused.

“I want to know,” said Dawn. “And you are the ones who brought the subject up! And Xander was definitely looking very upset… What did you tell him, Buffy?”

“Dawn, don’t insist,” said Buffy gently. “It’s not something you need to know.”

“But I want to know,” whined Dawn.

“No, you don’t!” said Buffy.

‘Wow! It must be very serious!’ thought Dawn, surprised that Buffy had yelled at her.

But she wondered what could have made Xander look so sad. She had seen him sitting on the sidewalk, staring blankly at nothing. He had looked numb with pain.

Something didn’t fit. Since she had been back, Buffy had barely seemed to feel or express anything, and she hadn’t spoken that much. What was so horrible that it would have Xander collapse, especially since he knew everything ugly about her sister… Knowing that she was with Spike was surely shocking but it wouldn’t have created that type of reaction.

He looked like he was in pain in his soul, in his heart. What would be so horrible? It was something that Spike obviously already knew. He had seemed surprised that Buffy had told Xander about it. So maybe it was something she had told him not to tell them… They were both so quiet, it was scary. What was so bad that Buffy would have trusted Spike with, but not her friends? Was it something they had done, done together without Spike?

There was one thing they hadn’t involved Spike with.

They had brought her back and hadn’t told Spike because, despite his pain, he wouldn’t have wanted them to.

Dawn missed the old Buffy, the one that was there before she died. This new Buffy didn’t laugh anymore, and she barely smiled. She seemed sad all the time. Willow had said that it was because of her trauma from being in Hell. But funnily enough, when she had come back, Buffy hadn’t thanked anybody. That had seemed odd to Dawn; she’d had to remind Buffy to thank them. They were all very concerned about her but she just never talked to them anymore.

But she was speaking to Spike. That was the weirdest thing of all. He didn’t even helped to bring her back and she had turned to him, of all people. She hadn’t even bothered with him before she had left and now, she couldn’t speak to anyone else but him, like they had done something so very wrong to her…

Wait a minute!

Spike hadn’t helped bring her back… and she had turned to him?

She was mad at the others…

And she was so unhappy!

Oh no! Oh no!

“You were with mom, weren’t you?” asked Dawn with a lump in her throat.

Buffy’ silence was answer enough for Dawn.

“Oh my God! Oh my God! No-o!” yelled Dawn. “What have they done?”

The anguish in her heart was so strong that she didn’t realize Spike had stopped the car.

“Buffy, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive them?”

But Buffy was already out of the car and opening the front door.

“Luv, Niblet?” Spike reminded her.

Dawn had stayed in the car.

“I’ll get her,” said Buffy gently.

Spike took her in his arms and kissed her hair. “Okay. I’ll be inside.”

Buffy walked back to the car and opened Dawn’s door. Dawn looked at her surprise. The pain in her heart was clear in her face. She looked around and realized they were home.

“Oh, Buffy,” she whispered.

“Come Dawn,” said Buffy, unbuckling her seatbelt.

Buffy helped Dawn out of the car and to her room. She calmed down, and both of them were sitting on her bed. “Buffy, are you ever going to forgive them?” asked Dawn, seeing the ugliness in what they have done.

She felt so much pain because she loved them all so much, and they were the only family she had left when Buffy was away.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s already forgotten,” said Buffy with a feeble smile.

“Buffy, please don’t say that. I know it’s still hurting you.”

“Yes, it is,” answered Buffy looking at her hands.

She looked at her hand as if the marks that she got while trying to get out of her coffin were still there, like the marks on her soul and heart.

“That’s why you turned to Spike instead of Willow, isn’t it?”

“Yes… Dawn, why didn’t anybody ever think I could be in Heaven?” asked Buffy.

Dawn knew that she was dying to know. And she knew also that she was angry that nobody seemed to have thought about it. And it made Dawn angry, too. “Because you died while closing an opening in the Hellmouth, like Angel,” answered Dawn.

“Angel didn’t technically die, he was banished…,” said Buffy. “His entire body disappeared. Mine was all there, all dead.”

Dawn knew Buffy was getting angrier, and that she had every right to be. They had been so stupid, not even considering the consequences of what they were doing, or fully evaluating where she might have been. Surely Willow would have known a spell to find that out. No wonder Anya had argued about the entire concept.

“Buffy, I don’t know what to tell you… And I’ll understand if you never want to talk to them ever again, or that you wouldn’t want to forgive them. And most probably, so will they. But Buffy, believe me when I say that if I had known what they were doing and where you were, I wouldn’t have let them bring you back. I love you, Buffy.”

“Oh, Dawn! I love you, too,” said Buffy, taking her in her arms. “I know they didn’t want to do anything bad… They didn’t know and it’s okay… I mean, it’s not *okay* okay but I don’t hold it against them. They are my friends, you know, and I still love them anyway...”

“Buffy, I’m so sorry.”

“I know… But don’t worry. It’s done and it’s not your fault. Just rest. You have school tomorrow.”

“It’s Saturday tomorrow,” said Dawn.

“Then we’ll talk more tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” said Dawn.

Buffy stood up and was about to walk away when Dawn grabbed her hand.

“Buffy, you love him, don’t you?”

“Yes,” answered Buffy truthfully. “He’s my ray of sunshine in my darkness.”

“You know, he’s really a good man deep inside, under that ‘I’m-a-bad-ass-vampire’ stuff.”

Buffy smiled at Dawn.

“I know. That’s why I love him so much… If he wasn’t here, I don’t know how I would have survived. Dawn, do you think it would be okay to let him stay with us?”

“Yes,” answered Dawn smiling. “I think that whatever makes you happy is okay.”

Buffy smiled at her and walked toward the door. Spike was standing there with a sincere smile on his face. And Buffy knew that he had heard her say that she loved him. She walked to him and he put his arms around her shoulder.

“Good night Niblet,” said Spike.

“Good night.”

And even with the pain in her heart, Dawn knew that everything would be fine. Dawn went to bed smiling.


The End




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