Giving In
Written by: Spike's Slayer Vixen
Author's Website
Summary: Buffy goes to visit Spike after he gets rescued from the
First...that's all you're getting.
Spoilers: This story is set in Season 7. I've taken the liberty of
fast fowarding. I have no clue what is really going to happen, I'm
just making it up as I go.
Disclaimer: The show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of it's characters belong to Joss,
Mutant Enemy, & Fox Prod.
Author's Comments: I really hope that you all like this. I was
inspired to write this by the end of "Tabula Rasa." Michelle Branch
is singing "Goodbye to You" at the Bronze and Buffy is upset b/c
Giles has left. Spike walks up to her, she snubs him, and he walks
away. Cut back to them later, and they are kissing passionately,
holding onto each other for dear life.
AN: All lyrics by Michelle Branch's "Goodbye to You". I included the
complete set of lyrics at the end of the story.
Feedback: Of course, I would love feedback. It is my favorite thing
in the whole world. Think of it as my Christmas present :) sara_pridmore@yahoo.com
Spike was sitting alone in his crypt when he looked up and saw her
standing there. Tears streamed down her face, mingling with the blood
that oozed from her split lip and the gashes on her face. He stood up
immediately and started towards her, then thought better of it and
stopped a few feet from her. She just stood there, her lower lip
quivering and her whole body shaking. "Buffy, luv, what's wrong?" he
asked her, worry filling his voice. She never came here anymore. In
fact, she hadn't been there since the night she had told him it was
over between them. He himself hadn't been there long. He had moved
back in a few days ago. He couldn't live in the school basement
anymore because some great evil was haunting him, tearing at his soul
like a ravenous wolf tearing at some poor lamb's flesh. His soul. He
had gotten it back for her, all for her. Everything was for her. Even
if it took the rest of eternity, he was going to make amends with her
for what he had done. One of these days, she would let him touch her
again without flinching with the memories of the night he had tried
to rape her.
"It's starting," she said in a tiny voice. "It's starting and I don't
know how to stop it." Her face crumpled then as she began openly
sobbing now. Her sobs were deep and gut wrenching, and they wracked
her tiny little frame. Her clothes were dirty and torn and her hair
was matted with blood in some places. Spike's heart squeezed
painfully in his chest as he looked at the broken Slayer.
"What's starting, luv?" he asked her gently. He decided that now was
not the time to worry about walking on eggshells around her. He took
her by the shoulders and gently led her over to the couch, where he
sat her down. She didn't fight him or try to pull away, but just let
him take control. She was much too tired to think about his past sins
or to remember that she was supposed to hate him. He tilted her chin
up gently with his finger so that her wide, frightened eyes were
staring into his. For a moment, he got lost in the green depths of
those eyes. There was a wildness shining in them that was not normal
for the Slayer. In fact, it was bordering on hysteria. "Buffy, luv,
please tell me what is going on. What is starting?" he asked her
again, keeping his voice soft and soothing.
"The end of the world," she said bluntly.
Spike gasped in shock. "Do you mean...?" She nodded glumly,
confirming his worst fears. The end of the world was upon them. "What
did this to you, luv?" he asked her, grabbing an old shirt of his and
dipping it in a glass of water that was sitting on the coffee table.
He dabbed gently at her cuts and her busted lip, trying his best not
to hurt her any worse.
"It was the Old One," she said in a shaky voice. "The vampire that
the First set free when they bled you that night, when they used you
to open up the Hellmouth. I can't fight it, Spike. It's too strong. I
tried to stake it, but it didn't work. I don't know how to kill it.
Everyone is depending on me to stop this thing, and I can't," she
sobbed. She scooted over closer to him, leaning against him for
support. He hesitantly put his arms around her, not sure it was the
right thing to do but desperate to comfort her in some way. He had no
words that would do the job, so he had to rely on actions.
//I've been searching deep down in my soul//
He remembered how horrified he had been when he saw the creature
emerge from the Hellmouth, set loose by the power of *his* blood. The
First had held him captive, torturing him for days until Buffy had
managed to find him and get him the hell out of there. She had fought
so hard and been so brave. She had risked her life to save him. Even
though the rational part of him knew that there was nothing he could
have done to prevent the primitive vampire from getting lose, his
guilt had kept him away from her and all of her friends since he had
been back. He had gathered all of his belongings from Xander's house
and moved back into his crypt because he had no where else to go. He
had been weak when he should have been strong, should have been out
there helping her fight. She had risked it all for him, and the first
chance he got to repay her, he ran away. Well, this time he was going
to be here for her. The weight of the world was on her slender little
shoulders, and he was going to help her carry that burden. "It's
going to be okay, luv," he told her gently. "I know that it all seems
like too much right now, but in the end, you will defeat this thing.
I believe in you."
She looked at him with tear filled eyes. "Spike, I...I don't know
what I would do without you. Even after all of the things I've said
to you, you still love me. I don't deserve it, but you give it to me
anyway. I'm so sorry for everything that has happened. You are the
one person who has been there for me through it all. You were there
for me when my mother was ill and then when she died, you were there
to help me fight Glory. You were the one I always I knew I could
trust to take care of Dawnie. You risked your life to try to save
her."
//Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by//
"But I failed you, luv. I couldn't stop it from happening. I let you
down, and because of me, you had to die. I made a promise to you that
I couldn't keep, but I tried, Buffy. I tried so bloody hard. I want
you to know that I saved you, though. Not when it counted, but every
night after that, I saved you in my head. It played out a thousand
different ways, and each time, I saved you."
"Spike, there wasn't anybody else in this world that would have done
what you did. I've treated you so badly, and I'm sorry," she said,
her tears still flowing. "I shouldn't have used you the way that I
did-"
"Shh, luv, it's alright," he told her gently. He wiped away her tears
with his thumb and brushed her damp hair out of her face.
//It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend//
"No, it's not. I was stupid then. I didn't realize what I had, or
what I could have but chose to throw away. Well, now I do." She
paused for a moment, gathering up all of her courage to tell him what
she needed to say. "I love you, Spike. I just had to grow up a little
before I realized it." He looked at her in disbelief, his mouth
hanging open slightly. "Don't look at me like that. I love you, and I
can't live without you anymore. I tried to stay away...I tried not to
love you, but I can't fight it anymore. Something inside me told me
to walk away all of those times, when all I wanted to do was stay. I
guess I just didn't want to get hurt again. Now I realize that I was
just being stupid. You can't live your life trying not to get hurt.
You will just walk around empty all of the time. You have to take a
chance and let yourself love without any inhibitions. I'm not
listening to that little voice anymore. I love you, and I'm not
giving in this time." She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled
him down, leaning in and crushing her lips against his in a desperate
kiss.
//But I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where
I am blinded by the light
But it's not right//
Spike let himself get lost in the moment at first, returning her kiss
with all of the love and passion for her that burned within his
heart. Then the rational part of him made him pull away. "You don't
want this, luv. You know that you don't mean it. You're just under a
lot of stress right now, and you've given up on yourself. I'm not
going to let you do this. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to
me. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything, Buffy, but not
like this."
"Spike, I-"
//I want you
But I'm not giving in this time//
"No, Buffy. I can't do this anymore. I can't hold you in my arms and
make love to you, only to have you walk away from me again. I can't
do it. I *won't* do," he said, wondering where he was finding the
courage to do the right thing.
"Listen to me for a minute, damn it!" she shouted. "I *love* you,
Spike. I've never said that to you before. I *love* you. This time is
different. I'm not going to just walk out on you again. I can't just
throw my feelings for you out the window. There are no second chances
anymore, Spike. This world is ending right now, and I can't stop it,
but I can sure as hell make the most of what time I have left. I let
Angel walk away from me. I let Riley walk away. I am *not* letting
you go, too."
Spike looked at her for a moment, not sure of what to think. "Why did
you come here, Buffy?" he asked her finally.
She looked at him, staring directly in his cool blue eyes. "To be
with you," she said simply. "To let you know how I feel about you
before it's too late. I will understand if you don't return my
feelings, Spike, but please believe that what I'm telling you is the
truth."
"How do I know that you aren't doing this just because you think the
world is ending?" he asked her. "Because if you are, don't bother.
The world is not going to end, Buffy. You are going to fight it and
you are going to win."
//Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with//
"I'm tired of fighting!" she yelled at him in frustration. "I'm tired
of fighting to save the world, and I'm tired of fighting my feelings
for you. You need to tell me right now, do you believe me or am I
just wasting my time?" She looked at him with uncertain eyes as she
waited for him to speak.
//And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time//
He searched her face for any sign of doubt, any sign that she wasn't
telling him the absolute truth. He could find nothing but sincerity
and hope on her face. He sighed heavily, hoping that he wouldn't
regret his next words. "I believe you, luv. I believe you."
Fresh tears streamed down her face, but these were tears of
happiness. She smiled brightly at him, relieved that finally believed
her. "I want you to make love to me, Spike," she said in a quite
voice.
"Buffy, I can't. Not after what I tried to do to you-"
"Spike," she said sharply, cutting him off in mid-sentence. "I want
you to make love to me. Forget about the past...I have. What you did
was wrong, yes, but it wasn't entirely your fault. If I hadn't used
you, if I hadn't strung you along like that and then rejected you,
things would have never gone so far. I won't let you take all of the
blame for that night." She pressed up against him, smoothing her
hands over his chest. "Now please...make love to me, William." She
stood on tiptoe, planting a soft kiss on his lips.
He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her even closer to him as he
deepened the kiss. Holding her again felt so good that it almost
hurt. He felt the warmth of her body seep through his t-shirt,
warming his cool, pale skin. His tongue darted out, seeking entrance
into her hot mouth. Her lips parted, allowing his tongue to slip
through. As their kiss became deeper and more heated, she let out a
little moan of pleasure. That little sound drove him crazy with lust.
He lifted her off her feet, carrying her over to his bed in the
corner. He laid her down gently, breaking away from their kiss long
enough to slip his shirt over his head and toss it into the corner.
He toed off his shoes and then laid down beside her on the bed,
leaning over to kiss her again. She scraped her short fingernails
lightly over his back, causing goosebumps to pop up all over his
skin. He shivered at her touch, tangling his fingers in her soft,
golden hair. She nipped at his lips, catching his bottom one between
her teeth and tugging on it gently. It was his turn to moan, burying
his face in her neck. He nuzzled against her, rubbing his hand up and
down her arm lightly. She arched up for him so that he could slide
his hand up the back of her shirt and unhook her bra. She sat up,
helping his remove her shirt and bra, her breasts spilling free into
his hands. He leaned her back against the pillows, taking one of her
hardened nipples into his mouth and suckling it gently. She moaned in
pleasure at the sensation of his cool mouth surrounding her heated
flesh. He switched to the other nipples, performing the same
ministration as she arched up against his mouth. He sprinkled kisses
down the valley between her breasts and down her stomach, dipping his
tongue into her navel.
"You are so beautiful, luv, so perfect," he told her in a husky
voice. "Everything about you is gorgeous." He slowly unbuttoned her
jeans, sliding the zipper down and pulling them down her legs to
reveal pink silk panties. He pulled off of her shoes, easing her
jeans the rest of the way off. "Do you want to help me with my
pants?" he asked her in a playful tone. She nodded eagerly, reaching
out and unbuttoning and unzipping his pants with ease, jerking them
down his legs. He kicked them off and then crawled back onto the bed
with her, covering her body with his own. "This time is going to be
different, luv," he whispered in her ear. "This time I'm going to
take my time." He slid down her body, pulling her panties with him
until he was able to slip them off completely and tossed the aside.
He nestled between her firm thighs, inhaling the scent of her
femininity deeply. He gently caressed the inside of her thighs,
causing her whole body to shiver in anticipation. Slowly, he dipped
down, nuzzling her with the tip of his nose. She squirmed beneath him
impatiently. He used the tip of his tongue to tease open her folds,
tasting her for the first time in a long while. She tasted even
sweeter than he remembered. He began to lick and suck her moist
flesh, earning sighs and moans of pleasure from her. He took his
time, savoring the delectable taste and smell of her. Finally, he
focused his attention on her clit, circling it gently and then
flicking it with his tongue. He repeated this a few times before he
drove her over the edge, feeling her tighten her legs around his
head. Her body stiffened, and he lapped greedily at her juices that
came flooding into his mouth. He remained down on her until he had
lapped up every drop of her come, then shifted back up until he
covered her body once more. He positioned himself at her entrance,
fighting the urge to plunge into her tight, wet depths. "Are you sure
about this?" he asked her one last time.
She looked at him with a smile. "I'm one hundred percent sure," she
said softly. "Make love to me, William." He entered her in one
thrust, feeling her walls stretched to accommodate his considerable
length and girth. He began thrusting in and out of her slowly,
determined to make it special. She arched up to meet his every thrust
and for the first time, he had the satisfaction of knowing that she
felt the same way he did. This time was different than all of the
other times they had been together. For the first time ever, she was
making love back to him. She held onto him tightly as he slowly
plunged in and out of her, biting down hard on the inside of his
cheek to keep from losing control. He didn't want to disappoint her
by coming too soon. Time seemed to stand still for both of them as
they lost themselves in each other. Finally, Buffy felt a gentle
orgasm flood through her body. When Spike felt her release, he let
himself go, spilling into her. He buried his face in her chest, and
when he looked back up at her, there were tears in his eyes. "What's
wrong?" she asked him in concern.
"I-It's nothing," he said, gazing down at the miracle that was Buffy
Summers. "I just can't believe that you love me, too. I never thought
that it was possible that someone as wonderful as you could love a
monster like me." She reached out and gently wiped away his tears.
"Believe it," she said, kissing him gently. "I love you, William."
"I love you, too, pet," he choked out. "More than you could ever
know. Will you stay with me?" He half expected her to say no, to tell
him that it had all been a big mistake. He expected her to walk out
on him again, and he really didn't know if he would survive it. She
surprised him by nodding her head and giving him a warm smile.
"Of course I will," she told him, snuggling up against him. "If this
world is going to end, there is no place I'd rather be than in your
arms." She let her worries slip away as he held her in his arms. It
wasn't long before she slipped into a peaceful sleep. At that moment,
it didn't matter to her if the world still there or not in the
morning. What mattered was that she had finally let go, finally let
herself love and be loved back. She couldn't believe how much time
she had wasted pushing Spike away because she didn't think she
deserved his love.
//And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star//
Spike watched her while she slept, still not quite able to believe
that she had professed her love for him, that she was sticking around
this time. He smiled to himself as she let out a soft little snore.
He couldn't believe that one tiny little Slayer could turn his world
completely upside down. Now he knew why Angel had tortured himself
all of these years, seeking redemption. It was the same reason that
he had gone to hell and back to regain his soul. She made him want to
be a better person, a man that she could love. Tears glistened in his
eyes as he remembered a night not too long ago when she had told him
that she believed in him. That may have been the only thing that kept
him from giving in to the First. It had asked him why he chose to
fight against them when joining them would be so much
easier. "Because she believes in me," he had told them. She was his
strength, his reason to go on. He kissed the top of her head gently,
breathing in the scent of vanilla that seemed to surround her
everywhere she went. He let himself wonder for a moment...just a
moment...about what it would be like if the world didn't end.
Maybe...just maybe...they could be a family. He and Buffy and Dawn, a
real family. Not like the family he had been a part of with Angel,
Darla, and Dru. A real, honest to goodness family. He could help her
take care of Dawn...she listened to him better than she did Buffy
anyway...and they could be together. And when the time came and she
did die, he would greet the dawn the very next morning. Don't get
your hopes up, he scolded himself. They had an apocalypse to prevent
before that was even a possibility.
"We'll do it, luv," he whispered softly to her sleeping form. "We'll
beat those bastards back to hell where they belong. I'll help you.
Even if it's just you and me in the end, staring evil face to face,
I'll stand by your side and fight until the death. I'll never leave
you. Never."
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
//Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing
Are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
But I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where
I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours
And I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star//
THE END
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