Why can't they just see that I'm not the same girl? Hell, not even a girl. A woman, right?

I've experienced enough, that's for sure. I've been through more situations in the last seven years than anyone I know. Why do I still feel like a girl?

A girl who feels used, dirty. All of the showers in the world couldn't get this dirt off, these layers and layers of shame.

Xander, Anya, Willow. . .They're all down there, having fun. Enjoying themselves. Dancing. Smiling.

Feeling.

I wouldn't begrudge them of that in a million years. Not after knowing what it feels like to not be able to feel any of it.

Time would have it, I would have been down there right with them, thinking only of that moment. The one between having to patrol and saving the world. And if Spike had of walked up, I would have made a little smartassed comment about him not being able to hurt anyone.

But he can. God, he can hurt me.

And he is. All over again.

But I take it. Once more I have that overwhelming urge to feel. Either that or I'm too uncaring to say no anymore.

Sometimes I just wish he wouldn't say anything. It'd make it easier. But he does. He always does.

"You see. . . You try to be with them. . ."

He knows what I need him for. Why I keep letting him in.

Why I keep using him. But is it really that way?

". . .but you always end up in the dark. . . with me."

That whisper. That cold whisper against my ear that sends a chill down my spine and makes me hot all at the same time.
He knows it.

Maybe rejection is his thing. I dunno, but something works. Maybe it's just me. Him knowing that I'm not going to resist him, like always. Maybe he likes public places. All I know is that he's pressing the hard sign of his arousal into the small of my back, letting me know what his intentions are.

Like I didn't know anyway. It isn't like we ever talk.

Not anymore.

"What would they think of you. . . if they found out. . . all the things that you've done?"

Not having to give a glance back, I know that he's looking at the same thing I am.

What I used to be. Down below us.

Once again, he manages to figure out and use what I had been thinking about before I even knew he was back there.
Once again, he knows how to make me feel it.

That hand on my shoulder reminds me what he's doing. That isn't me thinking. That cool hand stroking down my shoulder and that bulge pressing against my back.

"If they knew. . . who you really were?" Down. Down further. For once he's surprised me. I thought he would have at least tried to get me out of the Bronze to fuck me but no. Not this time. It's his game. Me having to continue watching everything I could be doing. Everything that I could be if only I didn't choose to be in the shadows. . . with him.

I have to at least make it look like I don't want him to touch me, even if that ache at the apex of my thighs is screaming otherwise.

"Don't."

"Stop me."

He knows.

Knows that as his cold hand pulls my skirt up, I'm going to react as I always do.

Two cold fingers slip under the flimsy fabric of my thong and pull it to the side before those same fingers dip between my overheated lips. No excuse. Nothing coming from my throat. He knew I'd be as wet as I am.

Always ready for him. Always ready to feel.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the vampire is just going to give me a taste. Prove a point. The thought is cut short as he thrusts two of those fingers upward into me. I can't help but softly moan out, part my lips in pleasure. My eyes flutter a bit, but I don't close them.

I still look down off the edge of the balcony to the rest of the gang below and I know that he is too.

The feeling doesn't last long though. In moments his fingers slip away and something else grazes my bottom. Something I can't mistake. It doesn't take him long, it never does when we're like this. Those two hands reach around my thighs and slip between them, parting them gently as he presses his chest up against me, angling us a bit forward.

Cool cock head pushes gently against my swollen lower lips, prodding, finding it's way into my needy cunt. There it lingers, teasing, it's owner giving me enough time to realize how wrong it all is.

He knows what he's doing.

With one strong thrust, he's in. Stretching me to my limits, filling me so deep. Now, I have to close my eyes.

"No. . . Don't close your eyes."

And they open. Looking straight ahead, focusing on darkness.

"Look at them."

And I do. I look down to the dance floor, watch my true friends dance, completely oblivious to what's going on up here. Watch them laugh, have fun while a demon pounds into me from behind. Long, slow yet powerful strokes into my tight channel.
"That's not your world. You belong in the shadows. . . with me."

The words hit somewhere deep. I may not belong in the shadows, but it's where I feel the most complete. It's where I downright feel. He makes the numbness fade.

"Look at your friends. . . and tell me. . . you don't love getting away with this. . . right under their noses." Words come as a whisper in my ear as he never breaks the rhythm he has going. Languid.

My eyes slip shut again, trying to shut out his words. Trying to concentrate on getting off so I can get out of there.

"They're all down there, being good little Scoobies. You're up here. . . above them. . . letting a vampire fuck you."

All I can do to respond is groan. No sense in arguing. Everything he says is right. I actually wish he would just shut up and go faster, but he doesn't. Just continues saying everything he knows I don't want to hear.

"I'd love to see their faces, when they found out. You think that they had a hard time accepting Peaches. . . You think that you could just tell 'em the truth? That Buffy Summers has to have her cock cold? That warm, sweaty flesh doesn't get her wet?" His lips found their way to my ear as he spoke and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. But as I did, he realized where we were and pulled away. Continued his torment.
 

"Isn't that right, Slayer?" A cool hand found it's way under the front of my skirt and began stroking his thumb across that little bundle of nerves between my legs. "This cold dick driving in and out of you're hot little pussy and the pain that comes with every time were together. You think that I'm in love with pain. Don't tell me that's not one of the reasons you loved the almighty. Slayer. . . Vampire. They can never go together without that regret you feel." Certain words were accented with deeper more forceful thrusts.
 

I can't answer him. Don't want to, just want to get it over with for now.
 

Tightening my muscles around his cock, I can hear a small growl rise in his throat.
 

That sound that drives me so close every time.
 

He must have nothing left to say, because now Spike's just thrusting. That's how I like it. Nothing more than sex. I know it's dirty, especially like this but I can still feel something.
 

Even if it is regret.
 

No one even knows were up there, let alone what were doing.
 

I can feel him. Nearly slipping out of me every time he pulls back. His hard as stone cock pulling back to my entrance before violently pushing all the way back in, now making me gasp out in sheer lust.
 

We're like animals most of the time.
 

I know when he's about to come because the movements become shorter. He stays deep, but makes quicker, more brutal pushes in.
 

I always know when.
 

At least I know that much about the vampire who knows too much about me.
 

And I prepare myself. Both of my hands go out to the railing to brace myself for what I know is to come.
 

Breathing heavily, he reaches up to grasp one of my suddenly heavy breasts in his hand. My nipple's poking through the fabric and he takes advantage, tweaking it quickly before allowing the hand to fall back to my thigh. Grasping either side. Pulling me back against his groin, grinding us together before pulling away again to start the whole thing over again.
 

The only part of our bodies touching are his hands on my hips and his length in my cunt.
 

I can't scream like I usually do. I can only look down to Willow and Tara dancing. Xander and Anya and wonder why they had to bring me back to this.
 

Tweaking my clit again, Spike lands another thrust, pinning me forward against the rails as I come hard, eyes never leaving my friends. Mouth falling open, wanting to voice the ecstacy that I'm feeling as he finishes up.
 

One, two, three final pushes into my body and he stills, his cold seed spurting into my womb and soothing my steaming core. Filling me in streams until I can feel it leak out around him.
 

He doesn't pull out yet, just stays there, head moving back to my ear.
 

"They don't even care where you are. What your doing. You belong with me Buffy. Doing things they would never dream of. I know things that the watcher's diaries won't tell you."
 

Feeling his cock shrink within me, I just scoff and he pulls out with a sopping sound that I can barely hear over the slow song that's ending.
 

In a moment he's put away, and I'm still standing there against the railing, pulling my skirt fully into place around my thighs. I realize we haven't made eye contact once the entire time.
 

Obviously not quickly enough though.
 

"You should go wash up. Wouldn't want to Scoobies to see my cum running down your thighs, now would we? You know. . . I could clean that up for you in the back. . ." His proposal sends a wave of excitement straight to my abdomen but I keep the Buffy facade and sidestep, making my way around him.
 

He doesn't try and stop me or get in my way. He knows I'll make a scene now that the guilt is rising.
 

Just as well as he knows as soon as I have a little time alone with that guilt, I'll find my way to his crypt on tonight's patrol.
He just knows.
 

But I know that he hates using it against me.

So I take his advice and head for the ladies room to get washed up, knowing that we're even.
 

At least until I find myself in the cemetery later tonight.

 

THE END

Continued...