Lost In Her


Written by: Joanne P.
 Author's Website





Summary: Angel makes an appearance a week after Riley shows up with the Mrs.
Spoilers: About a week after Capt. Cardboard showed up in Season 6, in As You Were
Disclaimer: The show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of it's characters belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, & Fox Prod.
Dedication: To any and everyone who reads, thank you.
Note: Completed 01/18/03.
Feedback: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE & thank you! jtvp11@yahoo.com





Part 1


Angel just stared. He could almost not believe what he was seeing. In his many years of un-deadness, this was the worst shock of all. If he was asked how he felt in this moment he would not be able to even explain it. All he knew was that he did not like it one bit.

Spike just stared. He did not feel good about it, he did not feel spiteful about it, he did not feel upset. He was just a little numb and one thought finally passed his mind; not again. He just didn't want to play out this scene. Why had this happen to him again? Did some power that be have it in for him? He was not going to like this one bit.

Buffy didn't know if she should laugh or cry. Maybe she would just walk off a cliff somewhere, yeah, that was it. She didn't know what was happening here herself really, and now she may have to explain it. Why was everything so hard? Why wasn't she ever given a break? Even if this was wrong, why was she always punished so quickly for it? She knew she was not going to like this one bit.

Spike decided he would speak as it had been several minutes since Angel had entered his crypt and caught Buffy and him on top of the stone slab. Buffy was actually on top of him on top of the stone slab. So he said, "You're a long way from home, mate."

Angel started to speak but could not, it seemed he lost his voice. Buffy grabbed Spike's leather coat and threw it over herself and then moved off Spike and then off the slab. She hurriedly put the coat on as her clothes were strewn all over the crypt. Spike stood up and got his black jeans from the floor and put them on.

Angel sat on the step by the crypt door. He seemed to be overcome with something. He still did not speak.

Buffy just said, "Angel?"

Spike thought enough is enough. It was bad enough she couldn't tell her friends about them. Then Initiative boy had shown up and she had said to him no more, then she comes back to him, and now just a week later, Angel.

Finally Angel found his voice. "You know, I was a bit surprised when Dawn said I might find you at Spike's crypt, but I gotta tell ya, this is so totally unexpected. When did this happen?"

"When did what happen?" Buffy asked.

"Oh bloody hell," Spike said.

Angel did not look at Spike but at Buffy and said, "When did you and Spike become..."

"The word is lovers, mate, lovers!" Spike said a bit agitated.

"We...I mean... it's not exactly what it looks like...I...we are not..., it's just...," Buffy stammered.

"OH GREAT, now you're gonna deny it to boyfriend number one, as you did to boyfriend number two."

Spike went towards Buffy, he had not intended to touch her, but Angel thought otherwise and was on him in an instant. He pushed Spike back against the slab and had him by the throat. Buffy, who was just amazed at what had happened, did nothing. Spike somehow got his knee up, he missed Angel's groin but hurt him enough to make Angel back away. Spike stood up and was ready for Angel this time, Angel blocked the first punch but was hit by the second.

"Damn southpaw," yelled Angel as he punched Spike in the chest in retaliation. The punch sent Spike spinning over the slab. He rolled with it and stood up. He jumped on the slab again and then jumped on Angel. Both now wore their game faces as they rolled on the crypt floor and threw punches at each other.

"STOP THIS DAMMIT," Buffy yelled, "Stop it both of you."

Seemed they did not hear the Slayer at the moment as they were growling at each other with animalistic sounds.

Buffy managed to somehow get between the two Vampires. This surprised them both so she was able to push them both and they went flying into opposite directions. Angel's nose and mouth were bleeding and so was a spot on his head, as he had hit into the wall when Buffy pushed them apart.

"Angel!!" Buffy said sounding upset and worried.

Spike, who was also bleeding from the nose and mouth, was upset that Buffy went to Angel and not him so he said, "You know what slayer, why don't you take soul-full-boy outside and play in the cemetery-- cause you know something, I'm done. If I gotta stand here and listen to you get all worried at your soul-boy bleeding, well I'm just not gonna do it, pet, I just can't."

Buffy now looked extremely pissed off. But Spike thought she also looked adorable in his leather, she was lost in it, just as he was lost in her. But he just could not take the denial anymore, let alone the worry in her voice for Angel. And he sure as hell didn't feel obligated to explain his life since last they met, not to mention his relationship with the slayer, to Angel.

Angel stood up. "Maybe I should just go."

"Yeah, maybe you should just," said Spike.

"No," Buffy said, "No Angel don't go. I mean what did you want? What did you come here for?"

Spike just dropped his head down as Buffy now sounded as if she was waiting for Angel to say that he had come for her. Moments ago he had made her moan in pleasure, she had even been calling out his name as he made her orgasm. Now, all was forgotten and she wanted Angel. Spike felt pain in his lower stomach, a pain which had nothing to do with the fight he just had. He looked up at both of them and said in sheer anger, "Both of you can get out of my home. Just gather your clothes Slayer and take your boy and go." Spike walked to the edge of the slab and got out a cigarette. He lit it and took a deep drag. "Go one, take ALL of your stuff and go slayer." "Shut up, Spike," Buffy spat at him.

She had moved over to him and they were standing toe to toe. There was pure anger in her eyes and maybe just a touch of hurt. But Spike was done, "Look slayer just back away before lover boy again gets the idea I might harm a hair on your head. Like I ever bloody would." Spike and Buffy just stared into each others eyes for a moment and then Angel spoke, "Look Spike, I didn't mean to get involved in all of this...whatever. I just felt the need to see Buffy and ask her advise on something."

Spike and Buffy turned their attention towards Angel with questioning looks on their faces.

"You need my advise?" Buffy looked like she was gonna lift off the ground from excitement. Spike felt a tear form but he held back. He would not lay his heart on the floor for her again. And there was no way in hell he was gonna spill his life out for Angel to see.

"Look Spike," Angel said, "I admit I was a bit shocked at first, okay at second too, but a lot has happened to me too that may be shocking and well. I'm sorry. I thought you were going to hurt Buffy, but I can see I was wrong. I mean to have just walked in on you like this. I really had no right to expect, well you know."

Spike nodded his head. Angel and he had once been able to read each other well. Maybe Angel could tell that Spike was in love with Buffy and would not hurt her, even if she left with him.

Buffy was lost, "What, are you apologizing to him, I mean us, I mean, what?"

"Life has gone on for you just as it has for me, I can't come back to Sunnydale after all this time and think that things had remained the same for you. Look could you get dressed and could we talk?" "Please take your talk outside my home," Spike said.

"No Spike, I'd like your opinion too. I meant can we all talk." "What!?" said Buffy.

Spike wanted to laugh, but could not find it within him to even smile, as he knew this all would end with Buffy leaving him again.

Buffy and Spike dressed quickly and they all took seats, Angel had pulled the chair over to the slab and Spike and Buffy sat on the slab, about two feet from each other. Spike lit another cigarette. He had offered Angel a whiskey which Angel had taken. Angel drank it in tiny sips as he explained his visit.

The souled vampire went through the story slowly and neither Spike nor Buffy said a word while he spoke. Angel mostly looked at the floor as he spilled what his life had been between the last time he saw Buffy and this moment. Spike could sense a million feelings running through Buffy, but she showed the same strength he used when his feelings were raw for her, she sat and listened stoned faced and silent. Angel finished his story at the point where Conner, his son, had come back to him. "But he still thinks I am the one who killed Holt. I am not. He says he understands now, but I don't think he believes me."

Buffy sat in silence. Her heart was pounding and so many feeling flew through her. She decided to try and be an adult and she told Angel that it would be okay. He had gotten through so much in his time that he would get through this too.

Spike was drinking the rest of the whiskey and was a bit drunk. He kept his mouth shut. But when Buffy was finished giving her advise, Angel turned to him.

"What do you think I should do, Spike?"

"I haven't a clue."

Buffy looked at Spike as if in disappointed amazement, while Angel just had on his poor soul-filled-me face.

"I haven't a clue," Spike repeated, "but as the slayer here said, you've gotten through it all, you will find a way to win him. To make him understand that you have changed and are not the man Holt says you are. After all, you were my mentor, you can be his too."

Angel looked Spike in the eyes and half smiled, "Thanks, Spike."

Spike nodded. He got down off the slab and announced that he was out of smokes and whiskey and he needed to go to the store. He got his coat from where Buffy had thrown it on the floor, checked the pockets for cash, found some, threw on the coat and walked out.

He had hardly looked at Buffy through all this. He couldn't bring himself to watch her watch Angel. He knew Angel was the love of her life and it just hurt too much to even be in the room with them. That's why he used the excuse to get some smokes, he had a carton in the crypt, but he had to leave.

Angel. Spike just did not know what to make of it all. He had been expecting Angel to fight him to the death for the slayer and instead he told them a story fit only for fantasy novels. Spike thought he'd been through a lot the last few years. Life as a vampire was strange enough but this was something again. Angel had a son. Well it gave one hope. Maybe if Angel and Darla could sire a human or almost human child, maybe Buffy could forget Angel and see him. Then again maybe he could build a machine that would go back in time and he would not return to Sunnydale and get captured by boyfriend number two's military gang. Maybe he'd just keep walking and let Angel finish what he and Buffy had started before Angel showed. No, he couldn't think of Angel and Buffy making love, he just couldn't. It triggered a pain in his head almost as scolding as the chip's pain. He wiped the tear from his eye that was threatening to fall. He couldn't blame Angel for loving Buffy, but he was more in love with Buffy than Angel could possibly ever have been. Angel may still want her after all this time, but Angel had left her. He himself couldn't seem to leave his crypt when she was there, never mind Sunnydale. But he did leave the crypt this time as he could not stand a moment more of the two of them together.





Part 2
 


It was an hour before sun up when Spike returned. He opened the crypt door slowly dreading to find them together, or worse yet, gone. But what he saw was Buffy asleep in the chair and Angel putting on his long coat looking as if he was about to leave. "Glad you got back before I had to leave," said Angel.

"I thought you would both be gone."

"No. We just talked about, well about a lot of things. Buffy feel asleep about an hour ago. And I just sat here waiting for you and thinking on things."

"Well you should wake her up and take her with you," Spike said sadly. Angel motioned Spike to walk him back to the door. He led them to the door and outside and closed the crypt door behind them. "So what happens now?" Spike asked.

"Well I go back to LA and face my son and all the problems, and you go back inside and wake Buffy up and finish , err, what I walked in on."

Spike was looking at the ground, then up to the sky.

"No mate, that's over, now that she's seen you again, well ...." "Spike, Buffy is not mine and well it's over with us. It's been over with us for a long time now. It saddens me, I loved her. I loved her more than any other woman, but we have both gone our separate ways. I'm not happy about you and her, but it's not really my place to say, at least not anymore. And if you are what makes her happy, then I'm okay with it. Besides, better you than that lame ass soldier boy."

Spike smiled at that. "Soldier boy showed up few days ago."

"Yeah, she told me," said Angel. "She also told me that of all the people in her life you are the one that's been there for her. She's not sure how to deal with it, but she's trying. Hang in there man, she needs a strong man, one who can deal with all her life stories." "And here I though you were gonna take my head off," Spike said. "Well the thought did cross my mind at first, but then I realized I'd get all bruised and bloody again and well I just bought this coat." Angel took Spike's hand and shook it. He clapped Spike on the back and turned to leave. He started to walk away then stopped and turned back to Spike. "Did you ever think all those years ago when we were terrorizing Europe, that we'd have come to this, and in California of all places?"

Spike shook his head no, "Not even in my wildest nightmares. And to be brought to our knees by a slayer. Too horrid to imagine."

"Take care of her or I'll be back for your head." With that Angel turned and walked away.

Not even in my wildest nightmares did I ever imagine I would be lost in her, thought Spike. But he was, so lost that he could not remember his name at times or what he was or what he wanted. And when she woke up and left him again, he'd be lost forever.

~ ~ ~ ~


Forty-five minutes later Spike, who was still outside sitting in front of his crypt, decided he should go inside as his pack of smokes was now empty and the sunlight had reached his boot tip.

She was still asleep in the chair. She looked so vulnerable. Little Miss Buffy, who had turned two powerful vampires to bloody mush. Tiny Vampire Slayer, who made every muscle in is body ripple every time she walked anywhere near him.

Buffy stirred about five minutes later and then came fully awake. "Good morning." Spike said.

"OH, ahhhh, good morning," Buffy said. "Is Angel gone?"

Spike sank a little, her first thought was of Angel. He said, "Yes, he is gone."

"I should go too."

"What no song and dance on how I should stay away, how this is all over and we are no more. Did you forget the tune. You wrote it," Spike said a little nastier than he had intended.

Buffy sprang from the chair, "Just what is your problem?"

"What is my bloody problem? Oh Buffy please. What do you want from me? If you are gonna do your little tap dance on my grave, then do it, but spare me the I-hurt-too-scene, please."

Buffy calmed herself then said, "That visit was hard for both of us Spike. I never expected to have to explain my....well my being here to Angel of all people. I'm sorry I was taken a bit aback by his appearance here and then hearing his story and well I just...." "You just what, you'll stick around cause Angel didn't want to stay and play or take you with him! I told you Buffy if you are not gonna give me all of yourself, then just go."

"This was traumatic for me, Spike, can't you understand that?" Buffy said in a angry voice.

"Oh really, well it was a walk in the sodding park for me. How the hell do you think I feel? Boyfriend number two then number one, while you stand there and tell them that I'm just some toy you take off the shelf to play with when you are lonely and bored out of your skull!" "I don't think of you that way!"

"Oh you don't, well how do you think of me, it can't be any better than how you treat me."

"I don't treat you any differently than..."

"Than who love, Riley who walked out on you and married the first bint to come along, or Angel who went back to Darla just long enough to have a baby with her!" Spike knew he had hurt her by the _expression on her face, but he was hurt too and even though this may make her leave for good, he needed to get this out in the open. Out from within him where it was chocking him.

She ran over to him and hit him in the face, he recovered quickly and just pushed her away.

"Don't try and get out of this conversation with your slayer abilities, face the truth. I'm the one still here luv. Me, Spike. Not Angel, not Riley, not Parker not even Xander. Me, Spike, William the Bloody. The man who is in love with you and the man you need to see."

Spike hadn't meant all of this to come out, but he just could not stop himself.

Buffy was shaking. Her whole body shook and then she looked up towards Spike and just started to cry. She just could do nothing but cry. He had been right about the other men in her life. She just cried.

Spike lit a cigarette and took a drag and then threw it on the floor and stamped on it hard.

"Buffy, please stop crying. I didn't mean to hurt you, it's just..."

"No Spike, a lot of what you said is true. I just can't..."

"Buffy, it's daylight and you need to go home to Dawn," Spike said sadly.

She picked up her bag and jacket and went to the crypt door. She paused for a moment but did not turn around. She closed the crypt door lightly behind her.

Every muscle in his body contracted as he wanted to run after her, beg her to come back, beg her to let him hold her in his arms, kiss her, make love to her until they were both sated, until he get so lost in her that he would have to fight his way back to reality. But he stood where he was and let her go.

He sat himself in the chair. He stared at the telly not bothering to notice it was not turned on. His mind swam with blankness. The tear he had been fighting for hours roll down his check freely. He sat there in pain. He felt that this time she would not come back. Seeing Riley again was one thing. He had turned out married, so she could not go to him. But Angel was still free. He knew Buffy was not happy being back in Sunnydale or on earth for that matter. And everything he tried to do for her did not make her happy. Even their love making made her happy while they were in the act, but never seemed to sustain her as it did him. It was all he had left. She was all he had, and she left him. He was lost.
~ ~ ~ ~


Spike went through the next few days in a bit of a fog. Buffy did not come around, and he did not go to her. It was the hardest thing he ever did. Staying away from her and trying to pass the time of day while she stayed away from him. Hard.

He had not even gone out for smokes or blood. He had feed on the too old pigs blood he had in the frig. He had not even felt like drinking. Then, earlier tonight he had had to kill two vampires trying to take over his crypt. No slayer around, so he did the job. Maybe she had gone to LA. Maybe she had just gone.

He heard the distant church bells ring out ten o'clock pm. He picked up a full bottle of Jack Daniels he had found in the ruins of his one time bed room and opened it. He drank, maybe it would dull the pain. He was laying on a pile of blankets. The blast that had torn through this area of his crypt, thanks to Riley, had not touched a small pile of blankets, by some miracle, so he laid atop them in this his place of ruin, trying to drink himself unconscious. He drank only taking half the bottle down before he fell out. He had been up for days so it had not taken much.



She heard noise coming from the bottom of the crypt so she went down. She looked around and found that it was Spike she had heard. He was fully dressed and on a pile of blankets, hands over his head, body twisted half around, a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels beside him. He seemed in the middle of a nightmare. He screamed, "No please, don't, don't go..."

She spoke his name softly and he came fully awake, sitting bolt upright. She was standing before him. Stake in hand. "Come to finish me off then, slayer?"

"I heard yelling, I thought you may be having trouble." "That was last night, two wanker vamps thought they would move in. I showed them they were wrong."

Spike laid back on his elbows, head spinning slightly from the drink and the nightmare. He heard the church bells chime midnight. Buffy put the stake back up the sleeve of her leather jacket. He stared up at her wondering why he had to want her so much? Why she always look so good to him. Why the scent of her drove him mad, even now when he could smell that she had just been fighting. "So how many did you get?"

"Three. Must have been the rest of the new gang I have been tracking for a few nights. They've kept me busy, but I showed them the way out of town, so to speak."

Spike nodded.

"So slayer, I'd ask you to sit, but as you can see, there really is no where to sit down here anymore."

Buffy went to say something, but she stopped and then looked at the bottle. "Mind if I have a sip?"

Spike said, "Sure, but I thought you swore off the stuff?"

"I did," she said taking several gulps of the Jack. "I swore off a lot of stuff I can't seem to stay away from."

Spike knew she was referring to him but he just said, "Please slayer, I can't do this anymore. I don't want to argue. I don't want the song and dance and I don't want to know how seeing Riley and then Angel makes you long for the good ole days."

"Spike," Buffy started as she took off her jacket, "If I knew what the hell I was doing here I'd explain it to the both of us. I've been fighting vampires for days and now I'm here, standing in the ruins of a crypt wanting to touch the vampire before me with every fiber in my body."

Spike sat bolt upright again. "Slayer, am I still dreaming?"

"No."

She took off her blouse and jeans and stood in her panties and bra. He could not take his eyes off of her, he could not think, he could not think of anything except touching her, taking her.

"Buffy, please don't taunt me. If you are doing this to get back at him, I'd rather you go."

"Please Spike, don't turn me away. It's you I want."

It was not all he wanted to hear from her, but it was enough. He could not control it, he had to have her. She removed her bra and climbed on top of him.

She pushed him gently to lay back down and she lay atop him. She kissed him hard. She kissed him as if she could not get enough, as if she wanted to swallow him whole.

He ran his hands up and down her back and then her back side. She tugged on his shirt and then helped him take in off. He rolled them over and took off her panties. They kissed and their hands groped at each other, explored each other. He moved his hand down the length of her body and then between her legs. She moaned and moved her hips with his fingers. She struggled to open his belt and pull down the zipper of his jeans.

She moved her hands up and down over the length of him and made him so hard he thought he would burst. Then she pleaded with him.

"Spike, Ssssppiikee, PLEASE put yourself inside me."

He rolled to his side and slid his jeans off, then turned back to her and mounted her. He thrust inside her so hard she screamed. She tore into his back with her fingernails and begged for him not to stop. Her legs were wrapped around him high on his waist. She moaned and pleaded with him for more.

"Buffy, Buffy," he could not stop saying her name. He thrust again and again, losing himself in her scent, her pleas, her body. She felt so good, so hot, he knew he would burst if he did not take the release, but he held back from taking his pleasure and made her beg for her own release.

She couldn't hold on any longer. She screamed for him to give her the release now, then she screamed his name, "WILLIAM!" She felt the sweet release shake her entire body. Her muscles so strong surrounding the full length of him, he could hold on no longer. He exploded into her moaning her name. After a moment he took himself out of her, moaning from the pain of being parted from her.

After a while he rolled on to his back, and to his delight, she rolled with him. She secured herself to his side, laying her head on his chest, her leg and thigh over his leg and her hand where his heart was.
~ ~ ~ ~


The distant church bells chimed two am and Buffy came awake. She smiled down at Spike who had awoken a few minutes before. He had not moved as he did not wanted her to move from her position on him. He wouldn't have survived her moving off him. But he knew that now she would leave and he would be left to wonder if she would come back. He looked into her face and to his surprise, she was smiling down at him. Not getting up, not running away, not doing her little tap dance. She laid her head back down and his chest, moaned and said, "Spike."

"Yes, love."

"Take me again. Take me again, now. I want to lose myself in you." He was stunned at first, thrilled, but stunned. Then he felt her run her hands down the length of him again and he laughed and ran his fingers through her hair. Her words had just made him the happiest undead man in the world.

Buffy moved her tongue over him, but he did not need much coxing at all. All he needed was her here with him. She put herself atop him and guided him inside her. He began thrusting, hearing her moan. He did not care what day it was, he did not care what time it was, he did not care if the bloody Pope showed up this time. She wanted him, she wanted him again. He would lose himself in her. And he wouldn't worry about ever finding his way out.
THE END


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