Chapter 16


“Spike, this is Owen,” said Fred as she handed him the car seat.

Spike lifted the car seat and placed it on the dining room table, “Oh we’re going to have a great time, aren’t we Owen?”

“Everything you need is in this bag,” Fred started to explain as Dawn and Buffy entered the apartment carrying a large pizza box. “He’ll need to eat probably soon after he wakes up. The car always puts him to sleep. I suspect this will just be a short cat-nap.”

“Hey!” said Buffy as she set the pizza on the table.

“Buffy, Dawn, you remember Wes,” said Spike in introduction. “This is his wife, Fred and this,” said Spike as he rocked the car seat slightly, “is little Owen.”

“He’s so tiny,” remarked Buffy as she peered in at the slumbering babe, “How old is he?”

“Just three months,” said Fred. “I’ve just been back to work for a couple weeks now. This is actually going to be our first night out and-” Fred trailed off.

“It’ll be fine,” assured Spike. “You have our number. I’ve got Wes’ cell. Go and enjoy yourselves.”

“We really appreciate this, Spike,” said Wes extending his hand.

Spike grasped his hand in a firm handshake and responded, “No problem.”

No sooner had the couple walked out the door did little Owen wake up.

“He may be little, but he’s awfully loud,” said Buffy as she looked at him with a little trepidation.

Spike had just carried the pizza into the living room and was now in the process of retrieving plates and napkins, “Does he need to be changed?”

“Changed?” asked Buffy with a puzzled expression on her face.

“His nappies, luv,” said Spike as he pulled out a beer from the fridge. “Want one?” he offered.

“No. Beer bad,” said Buffy shaking her head.

Spike twisted the cap off and took several swallows before saying, “I think I’m going to just agree to disagree on that point.”

“Okay, let me have a sip,” said Buffy reaching for it.

“I thought you didn’t like it?” said Spike, smiling.

“Maybe I’ve changed by mind,” replied Buffy before tilting the bottle to her lips and taking a sip. “Blech!” she said, pulling a face and shivering uncontrollably.

“Or, maybe not,” added Spike. “Diet Coke?”

Buffy nodded.

“Here,” said Spike as he handed her the Coke. He then set his beer down on the table, unbuckled Owens car seat, and lifted the babe up, cradling him to his chest. Spike took another sip of his beer as he gently bounced up and down. “There there, poppet,” soothed Spike. There’s nothing to cry about. Uncle Spike is here. Buffy, can you serve me up a slice of pizza?” asked Spike as he began to walk a path back and forth behind the sofa.

“Sure,” said Buffy who served up plates for the three of them. “Ready for the movie?”

Dawn nodded and Buffy inserted the DVD. Within a few seconds Owen’s crying ceased. “Buffy, can you get his bottle?” asked Spike.

“He needs to be changed. Do you want to help, Bit? Grab the diaper bag.”

Spike laid Owen down on the rug in front of the TV and then unsnapped the closure of his pajamas so that he could pull his little feet out. “Look how tiny his toes are, Bit. You started out this small. You ever change a baby?”

Dawn shook her head, reached down, and with her fingertip she gently tickled the bottom of one of Owens feet. The sensation made him retract his leg and she pulled back, slightly alarmed.

“It’s okay,” explained Spike. “It probably just tickled.”

Buffy watched on as he guided Dawn through the steps of changing Owen. “Here, you hold him while we go and wash our hands. You can start feeding him,” suggested Spike.

“I-I don’t want to hold him,” said Buffy stepping back, quickly.

Spike froze, stunned. “I mean, I’ve never held a baby. I’m not sure how and I-”

“Don’t be daft, it’s simple, here,” said Spike as he handed over the child, positioning Buffy’s arms and hands around it. “You’re an intelligent woman with a college degree that runs her own business. You can hold a baby.”

The evening passed quickly. Buffy held and fed Owen while Spike and Dawn ate and then Spike heated up some pizza for Buffy, grabbed himself another beer, and took over ‘Owen duty’. As the movie came to a close Owen resumed fussing. “I think he’s getting tired,” explained Spike as he stood up and tried walking with him again.

Dawn picked up the remote control for the television and changed the station to the Cartoon Network. “Just one more hour, and then bedtime,” declared Buffy.

“Ok,” said Dawn absorbed in the show.

Buffy and Spike’s eyes met and he shook his head slightly. She said nothing.

“I think I’m gonna take Owen back to my room for a bit,” said Spike. “It’ll be darker, quieter, maybe he’ll fall asleep.”

Buffy cleaned up the dishes from their dinner and sat down on the sofa next to Dawn. Within minutes Dawn had moved closer to her. Instinctively Buffy wrapped her arm around her sister’s shoulder and the two of them sat, cuddled together, and for the first time ever, Buffy watched the PowerPuff Girls.

It was close to ten when she heard the buzzing of the intercom. Dawn was already down for the night and Spike and Owen had yet to re-emerge. She let Wes in.

“Sorry,” he said as he entered the apartment and noticed that Buffy was already ready for bed. “We’re a bit later than we expected.”

“It’s okay,” responded Buffy waving him into the apartment. “I was up reading. The boys are hanging out in Spike’s room.”

Wes followed her as she walked back to Spike’s bedroom door, knocked softly, and then pushed the door open. Spike was in his leather chair, legs sprawled out in front of him, and head leaned back. He had removed his shoes and unbuttoned his shirt. Owen was draped across his chest, his tiny head resting in the crook of Spike’s neck. The two of them were fast asleep. Buffy smiled at the image and then looked up at Wes, placing a finger over her lips. Wes nodded and then whispered. “I’ll tuck the little one in, you’re going to have to deal with the big one.”

Wes tiptoed over to the chair. He carefully lifted his son off of Spike’s chest and cradled him in his own arms. Buffy followed him as he walked back out to the living room and watched as he placed the infant back in his car seat. “Here’s all his stuff,” said Buffy, handing him the diaper bag.

“Thanks,” said Wes accepting the bag and moving towards the door. “We really appreciated this.”

“It was fun,” said Buffy, honestly before closing the door and turning out the remaining lights. As she walked by Spike’s room she paused. She quietly entered and made her way over to the chair. The only light on in the room was the one on his nightstand. She debated whether to wake him or to just turn off the light and let him sleep.

His legs were sprawled out in front of him and parallel to the nightstand. She got as close as she could, and then leaned over, stretched across, and flipped off the switch. As she stood back up and turned to walk out his hand encircled her wrist. She immediately looked towards him, but couldn’t see his face in the dark. He shifted in his chair a bit and moved his legs, pulling her closer, so that she stood between them. Wordlessly, he began to move his thumb in tiny circles across the back of her hand. She closed her eyes, giving into the sensation. She stepped even closer to him and when she did, she felt him bury his head in her stomach, nuzzling, inhaling her scent as he moved his hands to rest on either side of her hips.

A full minute passed, maybe two, before he slid his hand down and across her backside. He lifted his head slightly and as he snaked his hands under her nightgown so that he could caress the globes of her bare ass he took the sash of her thin robe between his teeth and slowly pulled. He guided her towards him and taking his lead she climbed up onto the chair and straddled his lap. She let his hands glide over her body, taking in every curve, memorizing every line. After carefully tracing the edge of her collarbone he slipped her silk robe from her shoulders, allowing it to puddle on the floor next to his feet.

He leaned back a bit and extended his hand, searching for the pull cord to the blinds. Upon finding his target he yanked. Suddenly the room was painted in bands of light and dark. The pattern fell across Buffy, illuminating her. Her eyes had closed when he arched back, grinding his erection into the juncture between her legs. But they were open now and they searched out his. She opened her mouth to say something, but he quickly silenced her by placing his fingertips over her lips. His heart was racing but his movements were slow and deliberate. He reached up and slid down one thin strap of her nightgown, exposing a dusky nipple. He sighed in appreciation and she felt the warm air from his exhalation on her breast. He then slid her other strap off of her shoulder and eased her nightgown down until it was gathered at her waist.

“Is this…okay?” he whispered. “I want to touch you. I want to make love to you.”

“I don’t want you to leave,” answered Buffy, just as quietly.

“I’m not going anywhere,” responded Spike, his hand hovering over her left breast.

“Don’t make promises you might not be able to keep,” cautioned Buffy.

“This will change things between us. If we do this, there is no going back for me,” revealed Spike.

“But what happens when I get to the point where I can’t take this any further. When it’s no longer enough for you. When I’m no longer enough for you,” asked Buffy.

Spike swallowed as he reached down and slid her arms back into the straps of her nightgown. As he raised it up the length of her arms and settled the straps back on her shoulders he could see the hurt and confusion on her face. He stood up, and she wrapped her legs around his waist, her arms around his neck. He encircled her waist with one hand and pulled the covers to his bed back with the other before laying her down on the soft feather-top mattress.

Buffy watched as he let his shirt slide to the floor and then unzipped and stepped out of his jeans. He crawled in alongside of her, wearing only his boxers and pulled her towards him, wrapping one arm around her small waist and rubbing up and down the length of her back with the other. Her head rested on his chest and he could feel her breath as she softly inhaled and exhaled. “What happens is we change, we grow, there is no limit. It’s not like we’re some bloody cookies, cut out to shape and baked in the oven until we’re done. We’re people. We evolve. We’re never done, unless we want to be. What happens when you get to the point where you can’t take it further? If you want to, if it’s worth it, you work to get past the barrier.”

“What if I can’t?” asked Buffy, quietly.

“Did you not read the soddin book I gave you? It wasn’t long for heaven’s sake,” said Spike with a smile.

“It’s not that simple,” said Buffy.

“No. It’s not,” he agreed rolling Buffy over, onto her back. Spike turned onto his side. He leaned up on one elbow, propped his head up with his hand, and said, “Look, I’m thirty years old. I’ve had my share of failed relationships and broken hearts. I want something real. I want something lasting. There is something about you that has reached out and grabbed my heart. I know this is fast, but there’s this connection between us, I can’t explain it. This past week, you're all I bloody thought about. Dreamt about. You're in my gut ... my throat ... I'm drowning in you, Buffy, I'm drowning in you. And, God help me, I don’t want to be rescued.”

Chapter 17

As she began to slowly waken Buffy could sense that something was different. Or, maybe it was that everything was different. She could feel his warm body, wrapped protectively around hers. His arm was draped over her waist; his knees bent to follow the curve of hers, his hand innocently cupped her breast. They just…fit. Buffy inhaled deeply and her eyes fluttered open.

Dawn gasped and Buffy’s attention was immediately drawn to her. She was standing there, at the side of Spike’s bed, her bear in hand. She was staring down at the two of them, tear-stained tracks covering her delicate face.

Buffy shifted slightly, lifting her head off the pillow, “Dawn? What’s wrong?”

A sob escaped Dawns lips and she lifted her hand to muffle it. Spike opened his eyes, leaned up to peer over Buffy and said, “What’s the matter?”

“I don’t know,” said Buffy holding her hand out to Dawn. “I woke up and she was here, crying. What’s wrong sweetheart. Why didn’t you wake me?”

Dawn reached out towards her sister with a trembling hand. As her fingertips touched Buffy’s she spread out her slender finders and interlaced them with her sisters. Staring at their joined hands Dawn murmured, “You were so still. You weren’t moving. I was-I was afraid…that you’d be cold.”

Buffy pulled Dawn closer to the bed and pulled back the edge of the covers. “I’m fine. Spike and I are snug as bugs Dawn. You’re the one freezing. Climb in.”

Wordlessly Dawn climbed under the covers.

“Dawn,” said Spike, “Did you mean you were afraid we were dead?”

“Oh God!” exclaimed Buffy. “Is that what you thought?”

Dawn buried her head in Buffy’s breast and began to sob, heartfelt gut-wrenching sobs. As she cried out her fear and grief both Buffy and Spike, moved to tears, cried along with her.

“Dawn, please don’t cry,” began Buffy.

Spike interjected, “No. Luv, she needs to cry. She needs to cry out her pain. She needs to grieve, and so do you. This is your loss too.” Spike wiped the tears from his eyes and turned to look at the clock. “Bugger!”

“What?” asked Buffy.

“I’m going to be late. Someone distracted me from setting the alarm last night. I’ve got a football game this morning,” said Spike.

“Go,” suggested Buffy. “We’ll be good.”

“Are you sure?” asked Spike.

Dawn looked up, “You’re coming back?”

“Always,” said Spike as he smoothed Dawn’s hair and leaned over to kiss Buffy’s bare shoulder.

“I have to do some work with Willow today,” said Buffy. “Willow and Tara invited us over for dinner, just burgers and such. You available?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world!” said Spike as he climbed out of bed and slid on his jeans from the previous night. “Leave the address on my cell and the time. I’ll meet you there. Sorry,” he said as he ran over to his dresser and pulled out a sweatshirt, “I’ve got to run. I’ll see you later?”

“I’ll see you later,” said Buffy as she watched him grab his workout bag from the closet and race out of the apartment.

Dawn and Buffy lay side by side in his bed for what seemed like an eternity. “It’s nice in here,” said Buffy finally.

Dawn nodded in agreement.

“Okay, why is it so hard for you to talk?” asked Buffy. “I mean, I get that being kind of invisible around Ted would have it’s advantages. But Spike and I aren’t Ted.”

“It’s my fault,” whispered Dawn.

“What’s your fault?” asked Buffy.

“Mom,” replied Dawn, “her dying was my fault.” “Dawn, Mom was depressed, she was really troubled, even long before you. You shouldn’t blame yourself,” explained Buffy.

“But I wished it,” said Dawn, sobbing even more intensely than before. “I wished it!” she confessed.

“Wished what? Dawnie, what did you wish?” asked Buffy.

“She was yelling at me, because I told her that I needed new shoes. They…what I had didn’t fit anymore. They hurt. She yelled that she didn’t have the money as she poured herself another drink. ‘You have the money for that!’ I screamed back at her. Then I looked at her and said, ‘I hate my life. I hate you. I wish you were dead.’ And, she did it Buffy. I don’t deserve to talk. Bad things happen. I’m bad! What did I do? What did I do?” sobbed Dawn.

“You’re saying that Dad left because of me? What did I do?” asked twelve-year-old Buffy, tears staining her cheeks.

“Having you. Raising you. Seeing you everyday. I mean, do you have any idea what that's like? Gosh, you don't even see what's right in front of your face, do you? Well, big surprise there, all you ever think about is yourself. You're sullen and… rude and… you're not nearly as bright as I thought you were going to be…” complained Joyce.

“Why are you saying all these things?” asked Buffy, a tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Because they're true,” said Joyce as she poured herself another drink and looked out the window, “I sure thought you'd turn out differently.”

“Dawn,” said Buffy, lifting Dawn’s eyes to meet hers. “You are not responsible for mom killing herself. She’s tried at least a half a dozen times over the years. It wasn’t about the shoes. It wasn’t about you. It was always about her. She was sick, Dawn.”

“Sick?” asked Dawn.

“Yes,” said Buffy.

“Can I catch it, like a cold?” asked Dawn.

Buffy smiled and said, “No, not like a cold. But we have to be careful, Dawn. If we want things to be different we have to make them different.”

“How?” asked Dawn, looking up at her.

“Truthfully? I’m not sure. I don’t have all of the answers. I’m just…I’m not sure,” said Buffy honestly.

“Maybe we could get some help?” asked Dawn.

Buffy gave Dawn a squeeze and said, “Yes, Dawn, we’ll get some help.”

Chapter 18

“H’lo,” answered Spike.

“Hey, I was calling back to make sure you got my message earlier. How was the game?” asked Buffy, cheerfully.

“Game?” asked Spike.

“Are you okay? You sound funny,” said Buffy.

“Sorry. I’m-I’m completely pissed, luv. I’ve screwed up,” responded Spike.

“You don’t sound mad, you sound-” started Buffy.

“Drunk,” interjected Spike. “Pissed is drunk.”

“Oh,” said Buffy. After a long pause she asked, “Why are you drunk, Spike?”

“Long story,” he said. “I think I need to take a rain-check on dinner. Give my regrets to the birds. Maybe I should crash at Rupert’s.”

“Where are you?” asked Buffy.

“At a bar, downtown. Came here with some mates after the game for lunch. Then I stayed to work on catching up on mail. That’s when I found the letter,” responded Spike.

“Letter?” asked Buffy.

“The letter from Drusilla,” said Spike. “It was forwarded from my old address in LA. I should have known she’d track me down eventually. I just…I just wasn’t prepared.”

“She’s the one you told me about? Your former girlfriend?” asked Buffy.

“Yeah,” agreed Spike.

“Is that you, Spike?” asked Harmony as she hopped onto the barstool next to him. “Hey! It is you! How are you? Oh! Not so good, huh? I bet I can cheer you up. Bartender? We’ll have two more.”

“Spike!” said Buffy, firmly.

“Wha’?” asked Spike turning his attention back to the phone.

“Make yours a coffee and give me the address. I’m coming to get you,” said Buffy.

“Y-you don’t have to do that,” said Spike, embarrassed.

“I want to do it. I’ll have Tara and Willow watch Dawn for a bit. They can bring her home once your settled,” explained Buffy.

“Alright,” agreed Spike.

“But, Spike? Let’s not make a habit of this. I don’t want to be taking care of a drunk boyfriend,” said Buffy.

“Is that what I am?” asked Spike.

“Let’s just say that I’m considering your application,” said Buffy.

Thirty minutes later Buffy walked into the dimly lit room. She spotted him immediately, sitting at the bar. He was hunched over a cup of coffee and there was a pained expression on his face. A leggy blonde was flirting shamelessly with him.

“Really, you don’t have to sit with me. I’ve got a ride coming,” Buffy heard him say as she approached.

“I could give you a ride, Spike. No waiting,” offered Harmony as she wrapped her hand around his bicep and leaned towards him, brushing the side of her breast against his arm.

“Some things are worth waiting for,” said Buffy softly.

Spike turned around and stood up, a little unsteady on his feet, “And you would be one of them,” he said pointing at her and nodding his head.

Buffy wrapped her arm around his waist, “Ready to go home big fella?”

“Yeah,” said Spike sadly.

“You’re living with someone?” asked Harmony. “While you’re dating me?”

“We’re dating?” asked Spike as he swayed a bit. Then he looked at Buffy and said, “That’s not right. I’m not that drunk, Buffy”

“That’s it! I’m breaking up with you! You just go home with skinny, Betty there,” said Harmony tossing her long blonde hair dramatically over her shoulder and standing up. “And you can say good-bye to this,” she said, pointing at her butt, “because you're not gonna see it any more ever.” After giving the matter a moment of thought she added, “Unless you run into me somewhere and it's me walking away from you. But even then ... I'll probably just ... you know ... back away.”

Spike and Buffy watched, stunned, as Harmony backed, step by step, out of the room. As soon as she cleared the door, Spike was the first to break out in riotous laughter. Buffy couldn’t help herself, she instantly followed suit.

“Please remind me about that tomorrow,” asked Spike. “That was bloody hilarious.”

“Come on, Prince Charming, let’s go home,” said Buffy as she started to steer him towards the door.

Spike groaned as he climbed into Buffy’s car.

“What’s wrong?” asked Buffy, concerned as she climbed into the driver’s side and looked at him, holding his head in his hands.

“Oh... My head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. Oh, God. I wish I was dead,” moaned Spike.

Buffy held out a bottle of water and then fished through her purse for aspirin. She handed him the container and started the car. Spike opened the water bottle and drank down a few swallows with a couple aspirin. Then he dropped the aspirin bottle back inside Buffy’s purse, leaned his head against the cool car window, and closed his eyes.

They drove in silence back to their apartment. Buffy unlocked the entrance door to the building and called for the elevator. Spike followed her down the hall and into the apartment. He walked immediately back to the bathroom, stripped off his clothes, and hopped into the shower.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he heard her ask from the other side of the curtain.

Spike leaned back against the cool tile of the shower wall. “Yes. No. I don’t know.”

“Are you moving out? Are you going back to her?” asked Buffy.

“No and no,” answered Spike. “The letter just…It just made me incredibly sad and…and angry,” confessed Spike. “She’s been sober for a few months. She said she was working on step-work, working on making amends.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?” asked Buffy.

“That’s malarkey,” responded Spike. “There’s no way she’s gotten that far in a recovery program in that amount of time. Drusilla was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear. Trying to draw me back in. I’m just…tired. I thought I had put her and all those old feeling to bed. I just can’t believe in it any more. I can’t believe in her. I don’t. And, the truth is that there is a part of me that misses that… that feeling.”

“What feeling?” asked Buffy.

“Feeling loved,” answered Spike, truthfully. “I miss feeling loved.”

Buffy could tell from the change in the sound that he had stepped back into the stream of water. Her heart ached for him. She wondered for a moment if she, ever in her life, had experienced the feeling of being loved, truly loved. She searched her memory for a time. She couldn’t come up with one, not one. Had she ever even gotten close? She had, she realized, with him. He had given her so much over the past couple weeks, so much of himself. And now he needed something in return.

Spike heard it as she peeled back the curtain. He sensed her presence and then he felt her, her body pressed up against the back of his in the shower. She slid her arms around his waist and rested her head on his back. “I’m not sure I’ve ever felt loved Spike. Truly loved. But, last night,” she murmured against his back, “all you did was hold me, watch me sleep and… and it was the best night of my life.”

Chapter 19

“Last night,” she murmured against his back, “all you did was hold me, watch me sleep… and it was the best night of my life.”

Buffy placed a soft kiss between his shoulder blades and then stepped back and reached for the shower gel. She squeezed some of the gel into her hands and rubbed them together to create lather. The spicy aroma began to fill the room and Buffy inhaled deeply. She slipped her hands back around his waist and began to explore the hard plains of his abdomen and chest. Buffy teased his nipples as she kissed a trail between his shoulder blades. She stepped in closer, so that her breasts were flush against him. As soon as he felt her nipples graze his back he moaned. Buffy playfully reached up and gently bit down on his right shoulder.

Spike leaned his head back. “You should leave,” he said, his voice rough with passion, as Buffy’s hands moved to wrap themselves around his erection. “Before it’s too late. You should leave.”

“It’s already too late,” she said as she enticingly slid her body against his, lifting her knee slightly and gliding it up and down the inside of his leg.

In the blink of an eye Buffy found herself wrapped possessively in Spike’s arms. He held her body flush against his as he kissed her deeply, passionately. His lips moved down her neck then his teeth grazed back up the same path. “God, how I want you. It seems I’ve wanted you forever. I need you, Buffy. I need you now,” growled Spike his voice filled with desire.

“I need you, too,” admitted Buffy, softly, “I want you, so much. Please, Spike, I want you inside of me.”

Buffy pulled back a bit and looked up at Spike. Her hair, like his, was now wet. Her lips were red and full from the pressure of his spirited kiss. Her body glistened, covered in beads of water, from the hot spray of the shower. Spike took a moment to run his hands over her flushed face, then down her neck and over her shoulders.

“Turn around,” he instructed as he gently guided her so that she was facing away from him.

Spike lathered some shower gel into his own hands and then gently began to stroke down the length of her back, over her ripe bottom, and across the tops of her thighs. “Christ,” he said as he slipped his finger between her legs, seeking out her heat, “you’re so beautiful.”

Buffy leaned forward a bit, her hands supporting her against the tile wall at the back of the shower. She turned to look at him over her shoulder and gave him an encouraging smile. Spike’s eyes locked with hers as he reached down and slowly lifted one of her legs onto the edge of the bathtub, opening her up. He slid one hand up her torso and began to massage her breast. Spike felt her nipple pebble almost instantly and he rolled it, deliberately, between his thumb and forefinger. With his other hand, he began to stroke along the slick path between her legs. He could tell, by the way she was pushing back against him that she wanted him every bit as much as he wanted her and it made him impossibly harder.

“Are you sure?” he asked as he continued to rain kisses down her neck, and across her shoulder.

“I’m sure,” she responded, reaching back with one arm to pull him towards her. “I need you inside of me.”

Spike was already poised at her entrance. All he needed, all he had been waiting for, was to hear the certainty in her voice.

Buffy gasped as she felt him fill her, in one deep thrust. The force of it pushed her forward and she quickly had to replace her second hand on the wall. Spike’s arm was wrapped around her waist as he held onto her tightly. He pulled out almost completely before thrusting in a second time, this time angling up and penetrating her even deeper. “God, you feel so good,” he said, stilling his thrusts for a few moments so that she could adjust. “All right, luv?” he asked his voice tense from his efforts to restrain himself.

In contrast to the deep measured thrusts, there was a soft trail of kisses raining down on her neck and across her shoulder, “Oh, you’re so deep baby,” moaned Buffy, almost whimpering, “I, I-”

She felt Spike start to pull out as he said, “Don’t want to hurt you, luv.”

“Don’t, don’t leave me!” Buffy cried out as she pushed back against him, driving him back into her depths.

“Never. Not going to leave you, Buffy,” moaned Spike as he began to slowly slide in and out of her. He could feel Buffy’s body begin to tremble as her excitement built. He reached around just then, and pinched her clit. Buffy reflexively threw her head back. He could see the ecstasy in her beautifully flushed face. As her walls began to flutter around him, he could hold on no longer. He thrust into her one last time, “Oh, God, I’m gonna…I’m gonna,” Spike pulled out quickly. He wrapped his hand firmly around his cock while continuing to hold her around the waist with his other arm. He pumped his cock as few times and then watched, panting and wide-eyed as long ropes of come spurted out over his hand and across Buffy’s backside. He reached out with one hand and began to rub his spendings over her.

As he brushed his thumb across her lower back he felt her tense. He looked down, “What’s…”

“It’s nothing,” said Buffy, a little too quickly as she began to turn to face him.

“Here,” he said, as he switched placed with her and moved her into the spray. “Let me clean you up. Sorry.”

Buffy stomach clenched, “You’re sorry?”

“No,” he said, laughing. “Not really. It’s…It’s just not how I envisioned it.”

“How did you envision it?” she asked as he soaped up her body.

“Not this wet,” he responded. Buffy laughed. “Candlelight, music, searching out your eyes, watching the expression on your face as you climax for the forth or fifth time, with me coming deep inside of you, of course,” he finished sliding one soapy hand between her folds.

“Why didn’t you?” she asked as she stepped back and leaned against the tile wall.

“Why didn’t I what?” responded Spike as he started to quickly soap up and rinse.

“Come inside of me,” she responded, her eyes self-consciously lowering to the ground.

“No condom?” suggested Spike.

“Right!” said Buffy matter-of-factly. “Of course.”

Spike turned around and looked at her. He took a step closer and tilted her chin up until her eyes met his then he raised his eyebrow in question. “It’s just… it’s been awhile. I thought… maybe I wasn’t-”

“You felt wonderful,” murmured Spike as he leaned down and began to trail a line of kisses across her jaw and down the side of her neck. “You feel wonderful.”

“I liked the way you felt, too,” said Buffy, beginning to pant as she felt his hand slip down between her legs. Spike slipped two fingers inside of her and began to slowly pump them in and out. Sliding inside her velvety channel, touching her, fingering her clit with his thumb. Sliding his tongue inside her mouth. Timing his tongue thrusts to match that of his fingers. Touching her. Buffy chocked down a sob and tried to hold her breath. Never had she felt… “Oh… Oh, Spike! Oh, my God! I feel-” gasped Buffy as she was swept away both physically and emotionally like never before. She held onto him as her knees weakened. At his touch her body, wracked with tremors so intensely exquisite that they made her think of heaven, came for the first time…to life.

“Shit!” yelped Spike as he stood up stiffly, still holding onto her. “Steady? You alright?”

“Yeah!” said Buffy breathlessly.

“Gonna let go now,” said Spike. As soon as Buffy nodded he pulled back quickly, spun around, and began to fumble with the shower taps. “Looks like we used up all of the hot water! It’s as cold as ice.”

“You’ve been standing there with cold water coming down on your back?” asked Buffy.

Spike pulled back the shower curtain, stepped out, and quickly wrapped a towel around his waist. “Well, there was this…distraction.”

Buffy was standing there, still panting, her cheeks and chest red, her breasts rising and falling in time with her breaths. She leaned back against the shower wall. “Is that what I am?”

“Liked that, did you?” asked Spike wiggling his eyebrows and curling his tongue up behind his teeth.

“Uh-huh,” said Buffy as she nodded. Then, covering her mouth with her hand she broke into giggles.

Spike grabbed a second towel and holding it out for Buffy bowed slightly, “Milady.”

“Why thank you, kind sir,” said Buffy as she stepped out of the bathtub and into the warm, fluffy towel.

“My pleasure,” he said huskily as he tucked in the end of the towel.

“How are you feeling?” asked Buffy as she walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen.

“Better. Of course, that could just be the surge from the endorphins,” said Spike with a smirk. “I may require regular doses of Buffy between now and morning to stave off the hangover of the century.”

“Drink up,” said Buffy handing him a bottle of water. “You also need water, food, and rest.”

Buffy picked up the phone and began to dial.

“Buffy?” he asked placing his hand on hers.

“Yeah?” she replied pausing and looking up at him.

“I can guarantee you that there are going to be moments when you regret this,” said Spike. “I’m not perfect, you know. Well, guess you saw that today.”

“And you’re annoying sometimes,” added Buffy, nodding.

“That, too. And I can be arrogant, and…and snarky, and you already know about the dishes thing,” said Spike.

“Let’s not forget the weird issue you have with mimes,” interjected Buffy.

Spike smiled. “But, you’re willing to give this a go?”

“Yes, Spike,” said Buffy as she reached up and kissed him softly on the mouth. “And, we need to have the testing and birth control conversation.”

“Whatever you want…You’re exquisite,” he whispered, huskily, as he nuzzled at the crook of her neck and reached up to unwrap her towel.

“Hey, mister,” said Buffy stepping back. “Dawn. Food. Then after she’s tucked in bed and fast asleep you can have Buffy.”

“But, want Buffy now,” pouted Spike.

Buffy gave him a disapproving look.

“Alright! I’ll go get dressed and be a good boy,” said Spike before turning and walking back to his room. Upon reaching the door he turned around, winked at her, and added, “But that’s just for now. Later, I intend to be verrrry, verrrry naughty.”

Chapter 20

January 17, 2004

“Well, Bit, Big Sis is going to be late tonight. She’s got work to do. So, it’s just me, you, and the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’,” announced Spike as he held up the DVD.

“Cool!” said Dawn excitedly as she buckled her seatbelt. “What’s for dinner?”

“Tacos?” he suggested.

Dawn clapped her hands excitedly as Spike put the car in gear and drove off. Spike smiled at her. “How did it go with Cecily today?”

“Alright, I guess,” said Dawn with a shrug. “I started working on a painting with her.”

“You’ll bring it home when you’re finished?” asked Spike.

Dawn nodded and looked out of the car window. Spike sighed. Communicating with Dawn had been touch and go during the past week. She would engage here and there, sometimes responsive, other times reverting back to old patterns, crawling back inside upon herself.

She had started sessions with a therapist this week. Cecily had come highly recommended by several of Spike’s colleagues. Dawn had seen her three times this week. The plan was to taper down to twice a week for several weeks and then eventually once a week.

As Spike pulled into the parking garage and he and Dawn made their way up to the apartment he reflected on how drastically his life had changed in such a short period of time. It had been one week since Dawn had arrived, five days since he had first been intimate with Buffy. They had fallen into a comfortable routine; Buffy bringing Dawn to school in the mornings, Spike picking her up in the afternoon. Somehow, in the space of a couple weeks, he and Buffy had gone from being complete strangers to sharing meals, sharing a bed, sharing their lives. And he was happy.

It was close to 7:00 p.m. before they finished making and eating their tacos. Spike was just placing the DVD into the player when the intercom buzzer sounded.

“Wonder if Buffy forgot her keys?” he said, thinking outloud. “Hello?”

“Hey, Spike! Hope we’re not intruding. Buffy said it was going to just be a quiet night at home. Tara and I just came from dinner in little Italy. We’ve brought cannoli’s,” said Willow.

“Come on up,” said Spike, buzzing them in. “I’ll make some coffee. We’re just about to watch a movie.”

Within minutes Tara and Willow were settled on the sofa, Dawn in the middle, watching the opening scene to the film. Spike walked over and sat in a nearby chair.

“Where’s Buffy?” asked Willow quietly, her eyes glued to the television.

“I thought she was working with you,” said Spike. “I must have misunderstood.”

Chapter 21


Buffy ran out the door, without a coat, without her keys, just in time to see the elevator door close.

“Damn it!” she cursed as she ran down the hall and into the stairwell. As she burst through the door to the ground floor she was breathing heavily. She first looked over at the elevator and she established quickly that it had, indeed, beaten her.

Buffy moved like a flash, running outside. He was only about 15 feet ahead of her. “Spike! Wait!” she shouted as soon as she spotted him.

Spike stopped, but didn’t turn around. She didn’t wait for a sign or an invitation. She walked swiftly over to where he was standing. Before she could walk around to face him he held up his hand and said, “It’s really not a good time. I’m angry and I’m hurt. I need to think.”

“Thinking is overrated,” she said walking around to face him. The wind was beginning to pick up outside and the temperature was dropping.

“You don’t even have your coat on, you silly bint,” said Spike. “I was coming back you know,” he said feeling a bit miffed with himself that she was melting his anger so easily.

“I know. But I had to tell you something really important and it couldn’t wait,” said Buffy.

Spike looked up at the dark sky and felt a few intermittent raindrops hit his face. “It’s starting to rain.”

“I don’t care,” said Buffy. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Spike put his hands in his pockets and looking up shyly asked her, “Are you seeing someone else?”

“What? God no! Is that what you thought?” asked Buffy.

“In my experience when a woman starts lying about where she’s been it’s either because she’s doing drugs, buying drugs, or shagging someone for drugs,” said Spike. “Since you don’t seem to have a drug habit-”

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” said Buffy.

“Really?” asked Spike trying hard to stay with his earlier feelings. “You mean I’m the only guy you let fuck you these days? Is that supposed to make me feel special right now? It doesn’t. Is that what I am to you? Am I here to scratch your itch whenever you feel in need of a bit of comfort? Or, am I part-time nanny? Maintenance man? Cook? Perhaps I’m just someone to split the bills with? You haven’t even told anyone about us! Willow and Tara were in complete shock!”

“I have told someone,” said Buffy, quietly, “that’s where I was tonight. I’m not like you, Spike. I’m not good at this. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to say the wrong thing. I’m probably going to lose you. But…but…” Buffy paused; she was starting to breath heavily now, she was almost gasping for air as she fought to choke back sobs. An overwhelming sense of panic set in. Her chest clenched. She paled as she felt the earth move beneath her feet and the buildings on the street start to spin around her.

Spike watched and tried to listen patiently. He could tell that Buffy was struggling and she was close, close to telling him what was going on for her. As she fought to keep her emotions under control he fought the urge to just wrap his arms around her and tell her it was all going to be okay. Suddenly though, mid-sentence, he watched as her eyes rolled up. She swayed and began to slide to the ground. He swept her up in his arms just at the sky opened up and rain began to pour down on them. Spike ran with her back into the building. Struggling to hold onto her while at the same time unlocking the security door.

As soon as they were inside the entry way he leaned his back against the wall and slid down, until he was cradling Buffy in his arms on the floor. Her eyes fluttered open. “That’s cheating,” he said. “Don’t think I’m gonna back away from a good fight just because you faint on me.”

“Sorry,” said Buffy trying to sit up. “It was a busy day. I-I didn’t eat.”

“You have got to take better care of yourself. Let’s get you fed. We can finish our talk later,” said Spike.

Buffy shook her head. “I told Faith. I told Faith about you, about us, that we’re… lovers.”

“Faith?” asked Spike.

“My-my therapist,” said Buffy turning away in embarrassment.

“You’re seeing a therapist? That’s what all this cloak and dagger is about? You’re kidding! Right?” chuckled Spike. “What! You thought I’d be all shocked or…or what exactly? What was going on in that pretty little head of yours?”

“Nobody wants damaged goods, Spike. Nobody wants something broken,” said Buffy searching out his eyes. “And…you think I’m pretty?”

“Got a newsflash for you,” said Spike. “1) I already know that you’re not perfect, none of us are. 2) I want you. 3) You’re bloody gorgeous. 4) Thank you.”

“For what?” asked Buffy, shocked.

“For revealing this to me, for being honest, for trying so hard,” he said as he ran his hands over her wet face. “And don’t think this all comes easy to me. It doesn’t. I’m just as likely to make mistakes, say stupid things. I’m certain I don’t deserve you…you’re…you’re shivering.”

“Not from the cold,” said Buffy as she leaned in to kiss him. It wasn’t a passionate kiss. It was soft and gentle, like whisper. As she pressed her lips up against his he could feel them trembling. Then he felt the warmth of her tears as they dropped onto his face. Within seconds her entire body was shaking. She pulled back slowly and looked up at him.

“I have a story to tell you,” she whispered. “It’s-its about a girl named Buffy and a boy named Angel.”

“You said before that it got bad between you two,” remembered Spike.

“You have no idea,” replied Buffy searching his eyes.

“Let’s get you upstairs. We’ll get Dawn in bed, get you something to eat, and then you can tell me,” suggested Spike as he leaned his forehead against hers and released a breath that he hadn’t realized he was holding.

Buffy nodded as she and Spike climbed to their feet. He took off his coat, draped it over her shoulders, wrapped his arm around her, guided her over to the elevator and pressed the call button.

“So, when was the last time you saw this Angel?” asked Spike, casually, as the elevator doors opened and he and Buffy stepped in.

“The last time?” repeated Buffy as she mechanically pressed the button to their floor and watch the doors close. “Seven years ago, April 17th, the night I killed him.”

Chapter 22

Spike followed Buffy into the apartment. All was quiet. The short, silent elevator ride up felt surreal. Had she really said what he thought she had? He wondered. He heard a quiet voice coming from Dawn’s room and followed Buffy as she approached Dawn’s door. Through the crack in the door he could see them, Willow, Tara and Dawn were all cuddled on Dawn’s bed, as they listened to Willow read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Just as he was about to pull Buffy aside to question her she proceeded into the room, leaving him in the now darkened hallway.

“Hey, sorry to interrupt,” began Buffy.

“Did you… Spike!” shouted Dawn as she saw him step into the doorway. Within seconds she scrambled off of her bed, ran to him, and wrapped her arms around his waist.

“I was just going for a walk, Bit,” Spike assured her.

Dawn let go, looked at him, and rolling her eyes said, “I’m not dumb. You were fighting.”

Spike lifted her up and quietly explained, “People have arguments. Buffy and I had a disagreement. Sometimes when you don’t see eye to eye and you’re angry it’s a good idea to cool off. I shouldn’t have called your sister a…well, I was acting like a bad, rude, man.”

Dawn rolled her eyes, “Sheesh, Spike. You didn’t even hit her. It’s not like I’m traumatized because I heard you call her a bitch.”

“Hey! Language!” scolded Buffy.

Spike put Dawn down, then led her over to the bed. He sat down on the end of it and positioned her so that she was standing in front of him, his eyes almost level with hers. “Did Ted hit your mum, Bit?”

“Yes,” whispered Dawn.

“Did he hit you?” asked Spike.

“I didn’t give him reason to,” she said. Then, she leaned forward and in a hushed voice added, “I made myself invisible.”

“I’m not like Ted, Bit. I would never hit your sister, that I can promise you,” said Spike.

Dawn smiled up brightly at him and said, “I know, silly. You and Buffy love each other, just like Ariel and Eric!”

Buffy’s hands nervously fluttered up to her face, to brush back a strand of wet hair. She could feel a blush creeping up her neck and into her face.

“Ariel and Eric?” asked Spike, tilting his head a bit to the side.

“‘The Little Mermaid’,” clarified Tara.

“Huh,” said Spike before leaning in to give Dawn a kiss on the forehead. “Seems I missed that one, maybe we can watch it together sometime.”

Dawn nodded enthusiastically.

“Gotta tell you something though,” started Spike. “Buffy and I, we’re real people. Relationships in real life tend to be a lot more complicated than Disney makes them out to be. I mean, you don’t even want to get me started on the whole ‘Pocahontas’ thing. Anyways, I think Buffy and I are still trying to figure out some things-”

“Just don’t take too long,” interrupted Dawn as she stifled a yawn.

“I think it’s time for you to get in bed, Bit,” said Spike standing up. “Buffy, why don’t I tuck her in. You can say goodnight to the birds here and talk all you want about me.”

Buffy walked over to Dawn, and gave her a big hug, “Goodnight, Dawn. Thanks, Spike.”

As Dawn climbed under the covers Willow, Tara, and Buffy made their way out of Dawn’s bedroom and followed Buffy into hers.

“Spill!” said Willow sternly as Buffy began to take off her wet clothes.

“You know? I’m kind of tired-” started Buffy who was now wearing only a bra and panties.

“Resolve face!” stated Willow. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because,” Buffy began and then she lowered her voice, “it’s all happening so fast, and I’m scared, and it…I feel fragile. I just… Oh! I don’t know!”

“I l-l-like him,” said Tara. “What’s there to be afraid of?”

Buffy and Willow exchanged a quick glance before Buffy looked back at Tara, smiled broadly and leaned over to give her a hug, “Thanks, sweetie. It’s just that in the past…relationships and Buffy? Well, they’ve been kind of unmixey.” Buffy turned around and reached for her robe.

“Maybe this time it will be different?” suggested Tara as her eyes focused on Buffy’s lower back. As Tara tilted her head, slightly and leaned forward to get a closer look, Willow drew her attention away by reaching for her hand.

“This time I’m going to make it different,” said Buffy as she slipped on her robe. “I think he’s someone I could love, Will. Maybe I do already, I don’t know. I started seeing Faith again and I’m going to stick with it this time.”

Willow eyes widened in surprise, “Goddess! You went back to see Faith? And-and you used the ‘L’ word.”

Buffy nodded, “I did, didn’t I?”

Willow stepped closer to Buffy and asked, “Have you told him?”

“That I love him?” asked Buffy. “No. I said I think he’s someone I could love. But we have this connection that’s just incredible and you should see him naked…I mean really!!”

“I meant have you told him about Angel?” asked Willow blushing now to the color of her hair.

“Some. We’re going to talk more tonight. I know that not telling Riley was a mistake, maybe if he understood or-” said Buffy.

“Riley was a mistake, period,” said Willow.

“Who’s Riley? Who’s Angel?” asked Tara looking back and forth between the two women. “Oh! This is so frustrating!”

“I’ll let you fill Tara in, Will. I’ve got to do this with Spike,” said Buffy.

“Call me if you need to,” said Willow as she opened up the door to Buffy’s room. “I love you.”

“Thanks Willow,” said Buffy as she followed Willow and Tara out into the living room and showed them out.

Spike emerged from the bathroom, freshly showered, a few minutes later. “We had tacos,” he said. “Or, I could make you an omelet?”

“I’m not really hungry,” responded Buffy. “My tummy is filled with these nervous butterflies.”

“You’ve got to eat something,” said Spike as he pulled out a frying pan.

“Spike?” said Buffy as she walked over to him. “I don’t know where to start. I feel like my chest is going to explode.”

“Right!” said Spike setting the frying pan down and pulling Buffy into an embrace. “Maybe the food thing is secondary at the moment. I just don’t want you fainting on me again. How about you start with the first thing that pops into your mind? We can do this however you want. We can stay up all night if we need to. This man, Angel, he’s left an emotional scar on you that I want to understand, I need to understand. Help me.”

Buffy swallowed past the lump in her throat and nodded, “The scar, that’s where I’ll start,” said Buffy as she untied her robe, slipped it off her shoulders and down her back. She turned around. “Look at it.”

Spike wrinkled his forehead as he bent down, turning Buffy slightly so that her back was better lit. The day that they had first had sex in the shower he had gotten a glimpse of it. He was so preoccupied with the physical sensations at the moment however, that he had promptly forgotten. Their couplings later that night and since had been in the darkness of his room. But there it was, plain as day and crudely carved into her flesh at the base of her spine, just at the rise of the curve of her buttocks. The word…MINE.

Chapter 23

Spike felt his stomach clench and his throat constrict. He slid one arm around her waist and leaned his forehead against the back of her neck, “I’m sorry,” he said.

“It wasn’t you,” replied Buffy, resting her hand on top of his. “It was a long time ago.”

“I know. But, I still feel-” he started.

Buffy stepped forward out of his embrace, slipped her robe back onto her shoulders, secured the sash and then sought out his eyes, “Can you handle this, Spike?”

“I’ve known your past wasn’t all about moonbeams and pennywhistles, luv. I want to know you, all of you,” said Spike as he reached out to caress her cheek.

“You’re not going to look at me in the same way after this,” said Buffy a tear rolling down her cheek. “This could change everything.”

“I’m counting on it,” said Spike as he led her over to the sofa.

Buffy took a deep breath, closed her eyes and began. “I can remember it as if it were yesterday. But then sometimes, it seems as if it were a lifetime ago, someone else’s life. I was so in love. Well, I thought I was. I was so naïve. He was completely different in the beginning.”

“What changed?” asked Spike.

“What changed?” she repeated, mulling over the question. “You know? I’m not even sure. Looking back, there were signs. I guess I saw what I wanted to see. That day, the day I left home I went to him, my knight in shining armor.”

“Don’t cry, it’ll be alright,” said Angel.

“You don’t understand, I have no place to go,” cried Buffy.

“You’ll stay here for a while, as long as you need to. We’ll work something out. Go to school, concentrate on your tests. Meet me at the Marsters’ crypt after school. I’ll fix it up a bit so you can stay there. No one will ever know. It’ll be our secret. I’ll take care of you,” promised Angel.

“Really?” asked Buffy her face filled with gratitude. “You would do that for me?”

“So, that’s how you came to live in a crypt?” asked Spike.

Buffy nodded. “Yeah, it wasn’t a huge space, probably 8X10. By the time I got there after school the place was already looking different. He had laid an old section of carpet on the floor and found a twin-sized mattress and a blanket and a lantern.”

“Oh Angel, how can I thank you? This is wonderful!” said Buffy is she reached up on her tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“I’ll show you,” said Angel, huskily as he held her face in his hands and leaned in crushing his lips to hers in a passionate kiss.

Their kisses up to that point had been sweet and slow and tender. Buffy felt him bite her lower lip and she gasped in shock, “Ow!” He backed her up so that she was against the wall and aggressively plundered her mouth with his tongue. She could feel the cold cement blocks of the crypts wall against her back. The coppery taste of her own blood filled her mouth and she moaned in protest. It only seemed to excite him further, and she felt the unmistakable evidence of his arousal as he began to grind his erection into her.

Buffy’s heart was pounding and her mind was racing. “Angel won’t hurt you,” she assured herself. “He loves you.”

Angel pulled back from the kiss. He noticed the bead of blood on her lower lip and smiled down at her. “Did I hurt you, baby?”

Buffy’s tongue darted out, instinctively to touch the site.

“No,” he said, resting one hand on either side of her head, trapping her, “let me.” Angel leaned down and lapped up the blood. “Mmmm. You taste so good.” He rubbed his body against hers, “Now… I want you to taste me.”

“Ew, Angel, that’s gross. So not a vampire here,” said Buffy with a giggle.

“No,” said Angel as he placed his strong hands on Buffy’s shoulders and pushed her to her knees. “I want you to suck me off. I want to fuck your mouth.”

Buffy started to struggle, “No, Angel. I’ve never…I’m not-”

Angel reached down, grabbed a handful of Buffy’s hair and yanked up. Her hands immediately flew to his and she tried to climb to her feet to decrease the tension. “You’re hurting me Angel. Why are you doing this? I thought you loved me. Please, don’t hurt me!”

“I don’t want to hurt you. You’re making me hurt you. It’ll be good, I promise, you’re going to love it. I want to take care of you. All I ask is that you take care of me in return. Is that too much to expect from my girl? I’m not seventeen, Buffy. I’m a man, with needs. I guess I could go to someone else-” suggested Angel as he released her and turned to walk away.

“No!” shouted Buffy, the words escaping, desperately, from her mouth. “I-I don’t want you seeing anyone else. I’m just…I’m just not ready. I don’t even know what to do.”

“And this begins to explain the blowjob issue,” said Spike. “He forced you and you hated it.”

“The first time was a disaster. As soon as he touched the back of my throat I started to gag,” said Buffy, feeling bile rise up at the mere memory. I was nervous and scared. I felt dirty. The taste of his pre-cum was nauseating and I panicked, I felt like I was suffocating. As soon as he started to cum I began to retch and released him. Angel was furious. He reached down, grabbed my hair and came all over my face, and then he slapped me, hard. I fell in a heap onto the floor.

“You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that I know you’re crazy about me, I might walk away with the impression that you didn’t enjoy that?” said Angel.

“I-I’m sorry-” started Buffy from her position on the floor. Buffy could feel little fragments of loose cement grinding into the palms of her hand. The musty smell of the damp crypt coupled with the smell of Angel’s spendings was overpowering. She tried to deliberately slow her breathing.

In those next few moments time seemed to stand still. She caught sight of a small spider, crawling near her hand and watched as it slowly crept over to the corner. As it reached the edge of the elaborate web Buffy noticed for the first time the smaller insect trapped there. The spider approached it inch by inch. Buffy’s eyes began to fill with tears. As she brought her forearm up to wipe her face, Angel reached down and grabbed it.

“Don’t be sorry,” said Angel before releasing her to tuck himself into his pants. “Get better. You’re a smart girl, do some research, and learn to like it.” Angel crouched down and dropped a silver key on the floor in front of her face. “Here’s a key to the office. Dad locks up at 5:00 p.m. you can use the bathroom in the office at night. There isn’t a shower, but you can make do,” he said as he tilted her face up, bent over her, and smiled. “You look good with my come all over you,” said Angel as he licked up the side of her face from her chin to her temple. “I have so much to teach you,” he whispered. “This is just the beginning.”

Buffy shivered at the memory of those words. Spike wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her to his chest. “How long?” asked Spike. “How long did it go on?”

“It was only three months to graduation. I figured I could put up with anything for three months. Then I was going to escape. Within a week from leaving home I found out I was going to get a scholarship to SDSU. I figured I could get a part-time job. I just needed to graduate. I had no one to turn to. No one to confide in. I spent every waking minute thinking of the future, of what my life would someday be like. The present didn’t matter. It was just something to get through, so that I could begin to live,” said Buffy quietly as she wrapped her arm around Spike’s waist and squeezed.

He returned the pressure with reassurance and kissed the top of her head. “So you lived in that hellhole, at that monster’s disposal for three months before escaping.”

Buffy nodded and sighed.

Spike shifted. Buffy sat up and watched as he stood up, walked to the kitchen, opened up a cabinet, and pulled out a bottle of scotch and two glasses. He walked back to the sofa, poured himself a drink and took a swallow. She noticed that his hand was shaking. “There’s more, isn’t there?” he asked staring into the bottom of his glass. “You didn’t escape then, did you?”

“No. It took him a few months, but he found me,” said Buffy. “He found me.”

Chapter 24

“The thing about Emily Dickinson I love is, is she's just so incredibly morbid. A lot of loss, a lot of death... It gets me. With a lot about bees, for some reason,” said Owen as he held opened the door to the coffee shop so that Buffy could exit.

“Did she have a tragic and romantic life? With a lotta bees?” she asked as she turned back to him and waited for him to join her out on the sidewalk.

“Quiet,” he said as they began to walk down the fairly isolated street back towards his car. “Kind of sequestered and uneventful, which I can really relate to. I... don't get out much.”

“I don't get that,” said Buffy, pausing for a moment.

“It's my fault. I just find most girls pretty frivolous. I mean, there are a lot more important things in life than dating, y'know? Oh. Did I say something wrong?” asked Owen.

“Uh, no! Come on,” said Buffy, smiling as she nodded towards the alley where they had parked.

“It's weird,” she heard him say out loud.

“What is?” asked Buffy, suddenly nervous.

“You! One minute you're right there. I've got you figured. The next, it's like you're two people,” he said.

“Really? Which one do you like better?” she said flirtatiously.

“I'll let you know,” said Owen as he tentatively reached out to take her hand in his.

“Well, well, well, the first bloom of young love, isn’t this just… nauseating? Now, what’s wrong with this picture?” asked Angel as he stepped out of the shadows.

“A-A-Angel,” stammered Buffy quickly pulling her hand out of Owen’s and wrapping her arms protectively around herself.

Angel smiled, “Hello, lover. Miss me?”

Buffy took a step backwards and shuddered. She tried desperately to stand her ground. “No. I- I have a different life now Angel.”

“Really?” said Angel taking a step forward.

“Buffy?” called Owen, hesitantly.

Angel turned to look at him, a surprised expression on his face, “You still here?”

“L-l-l leave him alone, Angel,” said Buffy as she took another step back and bumped into the wall. “He hasn’t done anything.”

“He touched what’s mine,” said Angel as he advanced on her, grabbed her wrists, and pulled her arms up over her head. “Did you really think I would just let you go?”

“Angel, please! I-I can’t do this anymore,” begged Buffy.

“This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after,” growled Angel as he arched his hips forward and ground his erection into her.

“No. When you kiss me I wanna die,” hissed Buffy, looking him steadily in the eye.

“Look-” began Owen.

Within the space of a second Angel pulled a knife out and held it up to Buffy’s throat. He tilted the blade slightly so that it glinted in the moonlight. “It’s been awhile since I’ve tasted your blood. I’ve missed it,” he said as he let the tip of the knife pierce her flesh. She felt his mouth on her; felt him lapping up the thin trail of her life’s blood.

Angel sensed movement behind him and lifted his head. He looked Buffy in the eye and said, “You’ve been a naughty girl. You need to be punished and the boy’s going to watch your humiliation.”

“Owen, get out of here,” shouted Buffy.

“You move and I’ll kill her,” countered Angel.

“Owen, go!” shouted Buffy. Angel backhanded her across her face and then spun her around so that her face was pressed against the brick wall of the alley.

Buffy struggled against him, trying to break free. “That’s it, baby. Wiggle that sweet ass for me. You know how hard that makes me,” said Angel as he lifted her skirt up over her hips. “You ever see such a beautiful ass, Owen?” asked Angel as he slapped it.

“Man, you d-don’t want to do this!” said Owen, his voice quivering in fright. Never before had he felt so panicked. He was terrified. Terrified to do nothing. Terrified to do anything. He watched, wide-eyed as Angel trailed the knife tip down across Buffy’s back down to her underwear. He cut loose her underwear with the flick of a blade as he unzipped his pants, releasing his cock.

“You know?” said Angel smiling, as he turned to look at Owen. “I really do!”

Buffy started to scream as Angel began to brutally pound into her. He clamped his hand over her mouth to silence her. “You know what the worst part was, huh? Pretending that I loved her. If I'd known how easily she'd give it up, I wouldn't have even bothered,” said Angel. “She’s nothing but a whore, Owen.”

Buffy couldn’t breathe. It was too much, the pain, the humiliation, the fear. She listened to Angel grunt as he repeatedly thrust into her, “…nothing but a whore,” she heard him say. Her knees began to weaken.

“Not quittin' on me already, are ya? Come on, Buff. You know you want it, huh?” goaded Angel as he felt her weakening. “Geez, this is a bit disappointing, Owen. She used to have better stamina then this. She used to… take it…like a real pro,” said Angel as he thrust into her one last time and came.

As he pulled out of her and released his hold she fell, bonelessly to the ground. He pushed her face down on the filthy floor of the alley. “Just another piece of alley trash, that’s what she is,” said Angel as he climbed on top of her, straddling her back. He lifted the back of her shirt up and pulled down the waistband of her skirt, exposing her lower back. “But, make no mistake about it. This piece of trash in mine!” he said as he carved the word into her.

He could hear it as Owen began to retch and looked over with disdain at the boy, now on his hands and knees, heaving up the last remnants of the coffee he and Buffy had shared earlier. Buffy was crying silently now. Numb. She was only dimly aware when Angel climbed off of her and left them. Her body ached and her lower back was covered in her own blood. The last thing she remembered before passing out, was feeling it, trails of the sticky substance streaming down the side of her waist to pool on the ground beside her.

“Oh, God,” cried Owen as he crawled over to her. “Buffy! We’ve got to get you to a hospital.”

“Just-just take me back to the dorm,” said Buffy as she struggled to sit up.

“But, you’ve been raped! We should call the police!” said Owen insistently.

“Owen! Look at me!” shouted Buffy. “Nothing happened. Do you hear me? You don’t want to get involved in this. You’re going to take me back to the dorm and we’ll never speak of this again. We’ll never see one another again. It didn’t happen.”

“But, Buffy-” began Owen.

“Angel’s dangerous, he’s insane. Now that he’s found me, if you continue to show interest in me, you’ll get yourself killed. I’m not worth it, Owen. Go find yourself some nice, normal girl. But… please… don’t say anything to anyone about this,” begged Buffy.

Owen swallowed, as he helped her to her feet. He felt completely impotent, embarrassed by his inaction, by his inability to intervene, “I won’t,” he assured her as he led her to his car. “I won’t say anything to anyone. It never happened.”




CONTINUED...