Part 1



Spike couldn’t believe her words, he stood there and watched her turn away from him head to the top of his crypt and walk out on him.  Vanilla filled his senses and just as slowly as she walked away from him it evaporated and he was brought back to the smell of charred demon parts in his home.  No more aroma of Buffy lingered around him, when it use to be so thick he could taste her when she wasn’t near him.  He blinked out of his dazed state as he realized what he was standing in was what she was leaving him with.  Absolutely nothing.  He flew up the stairs as quick as any Vampire could go screaming Buffy’s name.  The door of his crypt was open and the sun shined thru like a translucent beacon calling to him if she really walks away.  She was glistening in the sunlight like an angel from heaven, untouchable, and with shaky determined hands to have her in his arms he braved the pain of the scorching sun and unattainable angel and ran to her grabbing her and pulling her close to him.  Smoke swarmed over him and has flames began igniting on his flesh.  Buffy screamed, and Spike was silent, only wanting to feel her.  She moved him into the shade in one quick motion trying desperately for him to relinquish his grasp from her so she can stop him from burning, but with every pull away from he squeezed tighter, afraid to let go.  Tears began pouring down Buffy’s face, and Spike’s now warm hand gently raised his one hand up to wipe them away, his other hand held hard and fast to Buffy, as he tried to calm her.  She looked up into his blue eyes and remembered what she said moments ago.  This had to end.

Buffy pulled from his grasp and stepped back looking down to make sure she was not in the light.  Who knows if Spike would make it thru another close call like that?  It was amazing he didn’t turn to dust right there around her, smothering her in his death.  Then again that is exactly what he always did.  Every time they held each other, or he was inside her she was surrounding by his death, because technically he was not alive.  He had no heart, no soul, and she couldn’t love something like that, she couldn’t love a man like that.  She couldn’t love William. 

“What do you think you were doing, Spike?”  She yelled.

Spike couldn’t stop looking at her, he tried to reach out to touch her make sure she was really still here with him.  Make sure he was really still here with her, and he didn’t turn to dust running after her, and now he finally got what he deserved, eternity in Hell seeing, but not touching, needing, but not having his one true love.  It was true that Dru gave him eternity, and in a weird kind of way gave him love, but it was this amazing woman right here he was yearning to touch, lost in her scent, tainted by her heart and soul that he wanted to spend eternity with, or give it all up for a moment so she could really see him.

“I would walk thru fire, suffer thru Hell to keep you in my arms.”  Spike replied in a low tentative voice.

She couldn’t look up at him.  Why couldn’t he just let her walk away?  This whole thing had to stop.  She had to stop using him, and he had to stop loving her.  There was no reason for him to love her so much.  They were mortal enemies, placed against each other in a battle between light and dark, Heaven and Hell, if you believe such things.  If he was the demon, she was the angel.

“You are my whole world Buffy, my life in my death, my angel standing in my darkness.”  Spike said as he reached out to her grabbing her small hand in his cold one.

The smoke stopped coming off of him, and now he just looked a little charred in a couple places, but nothing to serious.  His eyes though were telling a completely different tale.  When Buffy finally got the courage to look up into his face she found everything she always hoped, and wished wasn’t there.  So much sadness, 125 years of loneliness, and forever ahead of him, tears fell down his pale cheeks calling to be wiped away with love, and tales you could spend infinite lifetimes listening to.  She didn’t have those things though, love was lost on her when she was pulled from the one place that made her happy after years of pain, sadness only accompanies love and emotions, and she was empty, and a infinite lifetimes was something she would never have, this lifetime will run short for her.  Hell it already has.

“Spike, please don’t say such things.  This has to stop.  I can never love…”

Before she could finish Spike pulled at the back of her neck, drawing her lips to his kissing her so tenderly.  His lips slightly parted over her bottom one, pulling her to him gently.  Hesitant he pulled away from her lips allowing her to finish those painful heartbreaking words if she really wanted to.  He lifted her hand up to his chest and held it there as he leaned down into her neck and lightly pressed a kiss just below her earlobe.

“Spike please don’t.”  Buffy managed thru breathless words.

Spike pulled his lips from her neck, looked into her hazel eyes, never letting go of her hand clenched to his chest.

“You wanted me to tell you I love you.  I love you Buffy.  I will always love you.  I will hold you for as long as I can in my arms, protect you with all my strength, I will make love to you, and I will listen to every word that flows across your lips.  You are my everything, and I know you want me.  You want me as much as I need you.  You cannot make choices for both of us.  I might be a demon, but it is the man that loves you.  It is the man you are walking away from because you are afraid of the demon.”  Spike spoke softly.

Buffy ripped her hand away from his chest.  This was too much for her he always had to make everything so difficult.  All that was suppose to happen, is her to end it, stop this entire thing before it got worse and she did feel more for him besides just the want.  She jerked from his grasp and ran into the sunlight again reaching for the door.
“I will follow you into the light Slayer if you walk away from me!”  Spike yelled.
Buffy grabbed the handle of the steel door, and stopped.  His words reverberated down her spine making her skin crawl.  Those painful words he forced into her ears.  Is this what it felt like when she told him it was over?  This emptiness, despair, undeniable anguish that crept thru your body.

Carefully dodging the light and sticking to the shadows Spike made it to her side at the door of his crypt.  He slowly raised his hand and caressed at her exposed upper arm, awaiting her answer.  He needed her to know he would not leave her side, not let her walk away from this, away from him.  He touched her like the first time he ever touched her with her tenderness, with true warmth.  The first time that they had sat together not as a Vampire and the Slayer, but instead, as just Spike and Buffy.  He was just as unsure of what to do standing next to her now, as he was that day.  He just stood there and waited for her answer.  Was she going to leave him, or stay with him and brave the scariest thing in the world?  The possibility for true love. 

Buffy leaned into the door handle forcing the heavy door closed under weight.  She stood still for what felt like eternity when she rolled her head around and stood up more straight to get a better look into her lover’s eyes.  She didn’t even know what to call him anymore.  He was more then a friend, wanted more then a lover, and now she had gone and messed it up by calling him by his given birth name, recognizing there was a real man under that dark exterior of a damned demon.

 
“Why won’t you just let me go?”  Buffy said.

“You can go anytime you want to, but I will follow you Buffy.”  Spike stated.

Trembles crawled up Buffy’s skin at the thought if his words.  The possibility she would lead him to his death by just turning away and leaving him.  This was way to hard, and he wasn’t backing down.  She couldn’t look into those eyes anymore, because they always told the truth.  No matter what his cool lips breathed those eyes were always honest, and so full of emotion it was unbearable to stand here any longer and catch glances at those eyes.  The blue would draw you in and smother with all the love that was in his undead heart.  All of the blackness and darkness that was inside him you would never know when you look into those eyes, especially when we are locked together and he is filling me completely and we are both teetering on the edge of release.  Those eyes will pull me in, drown me in him completely and I loose myself, my control, my every being, I become nothing but his at that moment lot in his oceans of blue.  One more look into them right now and I will loose myself, my reason for coming here, my reason for leaving him because in those eyes of his I will find the truth like I always do.

“Look at me luv.”  Spike whispered.

Buffy just stood there still slanting against the closed door, looking at her feet, grasping the handle of the door with all her Slayer strength, holding onto some chance at her salvation.

“I……I can’t.”  Buffy tripped over her words, barley able to breath them out.

Spike stroked her arm with his cool hands up around her shoulder, over her neck and stopped at her chin.  His thumb tentively crawled over her trembling bottom lip.  He gingerly cupped her chin in his cool palm, and raised her head the smallest bit.  Her eyes were sealed tightly closed for fear of what she might see if she were to open them while he touched her.  Lightly he pulled into her and gently kissed her lips, urging them to stop quivering.  Fear of pushing her away and making her walk thru that door Spike didn’t go any further with his advances.  He stepped back from here and brought his hand back to his side away from her warm skin, but he never moved far enough away that he couldn’t feel her heat.

“Buffy you don’t get to make the decisions for both us.  I know you want me, you just told me, and I never wanted anybody in all my 125 years of un-life, Hell even my mortal life have wanted anybody anymore then I want you everyday.  So, you don’t get to come in here and make some decision up for you and think it is good for both of us.”

“Spike I am using you, and I feel terrible when I am not around you,”  Buffy interrupted.
“I am not complaining.  You just don’t get it.  I love you.  You are inside me, thru me, over me, all of me.  I know you feel something when I am with you, inside of you, holding you, and loving you.  I feel all of that too, and I feel terrible when you are not around me.  I search for you when you are gone, and yearn for you when you walk away.  I feel all of that.  I may be a monster, a demon, the damned one, but I still feel you, I still love you, and there is no way are you going to come in here and tell me it is over when I know you don’t want that either.”  Spike was becoming impatient with her silence.

“Please Spike, don’t.”  Was all Buffy could say.

Her mind was racing with tons of emotions, tons of fears.  Everybody has walked away from her the minute she loved them.  Her father left her, Angel left her more than once, and Riley left her, what was to make Spike any different?  Something was between them too, and it was undeniable, and the most passionate thing she has ever experienced.  Everyday whatever was inside her grew more for the Vampire in front of her, and every touch she yearned for a lifetime of it.  It was beginning to become too complicated and all she wanted was simple.  Love is not simple, he is not simple, and this is definitely not simple.

Spike wanted to reach out back to her and clutch her into his arms and hold her there forever until she realized she did love him and this was more than what she thought it was.  Until she realized he was never going to leave her, and was sure as Hell not going to let her just walk away with out one big fight.  He wanted her so bad.  Wanted to caress her warm skin, hold her tiny body, and love her for all eternity because if she lived forever or not loving her until the world stops was sure in his plans.

“You think this is easy for me, Spike?”  Buffy finally asked.

“I think you want this to be easy for you.  Nothing worth anything is easy to have, and definitely not easy to keep Slayer.”  Spike stated.

Spike couldn’t stand it anymore, being this close to her without touching her was driving him insane.  He had to touch her, had to have her in his arms.  He leaned into her small form and wrapped his arms around to her back stroking at the small curve of her lower back with his cool hand.  His cold breath breezed over the nape of her neck like a cool winter breeze.  Her arms moved from the door to his chest, her palms placing lightly on him.  They stood there for what seemed like hours and she couldn’t take it anymore.  He couldn’t be this close to her like this when she needed to leave him.  She shoved him back away from her, and caught the despair in his eyes when he looked up at her.  She turned towards the door grabbing the handle again ready to pull it open and this time leave no matter what he threatened.  She dropped her head and shut her eyes; she didn’t want to hear her own words that were about to come out of her mouth.

“You have to let me go.  You have to stop loving me William.”  Buffy cried.

Spike was startled from hearing his name pass Buffy’s lips a second time.  Still trying to leave him, all of him.  He became furious and his vamp face flung to the surface, he shook it off and stared at Buffy with her back still turned away from him.  The door began to creek open as she tugged on the handle.  Spike flew towards her slammed his hand up against the cold steel of his door, and threw it shut under his power forcing Buffy to fall to the ground on her knees.  He could hear her crying, and smell the salt from her tears running down her face.  He closed his eyes trying to control his anger, bent down and cradled Buffy in his arms.  She tried fighting him off with weak whimpered shoves at his shoulders, but Spike kept her wrapped in his arms until she began calming down.  Finally she laid her tired head onto his chest and fell deeper into his grasp.  He lightly lifted his hand up to her face and pushed back a strand of her golden hair behind her ear so he could see he face.

“None of that is going to happen Buffy, no matter what you call me.  Spike, William, all of who I am will always love you, and will never leave you, or let you go.  Everything I am belongs to you luv.”  Spike whispered in her ear.

Spike held Buffy in his arms, both sitting on the floor of his dark, dank crypt, and he began rocking her as she cried into his chest.  Never making any noise but a whimper, she finally drew her own arms around him and clutched him to her as close as he could get.  He rocked her and hummed a song that a very long time ago his mother would sing to him when he was crying, and he kept her in his arms until she finally cried herself to sleep.

 

Continued...