She sat on the side of the bed, staring at the wall with glazed eyes.

Waiting for him. Hoping she was wrong. Hoping he would appear with his smart aleck smile and a suggestive comment about finding her in his bed.

But, in the place where she buried all unacceptable facts and ugly truths, she knew it wasn't going to happen. Not this time.

Not ever again.

Spike was gone, and she had only her- self to blame.

He had asked so little of her, she knew that now...now that it was too late.

Spike hadn't wanted to change her. He'd never demanded that she live her life on his terms, conforming to his desires, and he'd never asked her to pretend to be less than what she was.

Her identity was comprised of many parts. A daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a slayer.

All of these things were her, and the juggling act she had to perform to keep all those balls in the air sometimes drove her to despair, leaving her teetering on the edge of a cliff, with nowhere to go but down.

Spike always pulled her back from it.

Here in this room, in his bed, she'd only ever had to be herself. Just a girl with a man who only wanted one thing from her, a thing that she had refused to give him.

Not once had she said the words, no matter that she had the feelings.

He'd wanted so badly to hear her say it, and she wouldn't. Even after everything he'd done for her...she wouldn't say it.

For her, Spike had turned his back on all that he'd been for over a hundred years. Not because of that behavior modification chip, but because of her.

The implant didn't matter. He could have gotten around it somehow, if he'd really wanted to. All he would need to do was hook up with another vampire, one who would do the actual killing.

As Drusilla had once offered.

But he hadn't done that. He'd had a choice, and he'd chosen her. To stay with her, to fight beside her, to kill his own kind, placing himself at a constant risk, because there wasn't a demon in this town who didn't know that he was allied with the slayer...and they hated him for it.

His decision. His choice.

It was a choice that Angel had never made.

Well, Angelus hadn't, anyway. Angelus hadn't chosen to stop killing, it had been forced on him. The moment he'd had the chance, he'd picked up right where he'd left off. Only worse.

Losing his soul again had freed him and made him more vicious and violent than he'd been the first time, as though he'd felt a compulsion to make up for lost time, for all those years when he didn't terrorize, and torture, and kill.

Buffy sighed deeply, rubbing her eyes.

And even if the implant did keep Spike from killing, it hadn't made him help her and protect the people she loved.

It certainly hadn't been responsible for him standing right beside her during her showdown with Glory.

Buffy had come within a hair's distance of losing that battle, and she WOULD have lost it much earlier in the game if it hadn't been for Spike's refusal to reveal the identity of Glory's key, despite hours of brutal torture.

No, that had been a choice he had made. A choice that had its roots in his love for her.

/And for what? For a girl who comes to his bed every night, accepting all the pleasure he gives me...I take and I take, and I never give back.../

So, why wouldn't he leave? Why would he want to stay with someone who refused to admit to having any feelings for him other than physical attraction or desire, the kind of desire that any man could satisfy, making him feel that he was what she had once cruelly called him...a convenience.

No one with any sense would want to re- main with a person who flung such hateful words at them.

"I hate you...you're a pig...why won't you just leave...you disgust me...you're not a man, you're a thing...an evil, disgusting thing...perverse...degrading...get out...go away...stay away...tell anyone and I WILL kill you...."

The ugly words rang in her ears, making her cringe in shame.

Even after they'd gotten past that point in their relationship, she had never done anything to make up to him for her shabby treatment.

If she HAD done right by him, he'd be here with her now. All she would have needed to do was tell him she loved him, and everything that had come before would be forgiven...for- gotten.

The sadness she was feeling now was taking a slow stranglehold on her throat, making her eyes burn with tears that needed to be cried.

She was lost now, and the only one who could find her had turned his back on her and walked away.

Forever.....

* * * *

The clang bang of the door above being opened and closed sent a wild rush of hope through her...

/He's back...he came back to me.../

...a hope that died instantly when she turned and saw Xander climbing down the ladder to the lower level.

"Yo, Spike!" he called out as he descended. "I'm looking for...Buffy?"

She shook her head. "He's not here," she said flatly. "He's gone."

"Uh-huh. Well, actually I was looking for YOU, and I thought he might...Buffy?" He knelt in front of her. "What's the matter?" he asked, sincerely concerned. "Why are you crying?"

The tears had finally begun, brimming in her eyes, then tracing a slow path down her cheeks. "He's gone...and I don't know what I'm gonna do..."

"Gone?" Xander sat on the side of the bed next to her. "Gone where? What makes you think he's gone?"

Buffy disregarding the question. "Do...do you know why he left?" she asked, wiping her eyes on her sleeve.

Xander frowned as he considered possible answers to this question. Surely she didn't mean that Spike was gone as in...dead?

That couldn't be it. It didn't make any sense. Asking if he knew why Spike had left, indicated that he'd done it of his own free will.

But THAT made even less sense. Spike leave Sunnydale? Leave Buffy? No way.

So what the hell had happened?

"No," he finally said. "I guess I don't."

"He left," Buffy informed him, "because he loves me...and I hurt him. I hurt him so much that he had to leave town to get away from me."

Okay, NOW he knew something was off kilter. Buffy had put plenty of hurtin's on Spike over the years, and he always came back for more.

"What do you mean?" he asked. "How did you hurt him? Were you guys fighting?"

Buffy sniffled and shook her head. "I need to find him, so that I can tell him that I love him, too." A strong sob racked her small frame. "I should have told him before...but I didn't. I waited too long and...and now it's too late."

She looked at Xander imploringly, as though he was the oracle who could provide all the answers. "Why didn't I tell him, Xander? I knew that I loved him...why didn't I say it?"

Xander was still absorbing the words "I love him." Part of him was surprised at Buffy's confession, while the other part had, on some subconscious level, been expecting it.

He had know that Spike was in love with Buffy. Anybody with eyes in their heads could see that the slayer's former worst enemy had fallen for her in a big way.

Xander had stopped believing long ago in the 'vampires can't love' theory. Ordinary vampires, maybe, but Spike wasn't exactly ordinary.

Ever since they'd all banded together during the 'Glory' crisis, Buffy and Spike had spent a considerable amount of time together. He went out with her every time she prowled the cemeteries and back alleys of the Hell- mouth, staking more vamps than anyone else in the gang besides her.

Xander had watched as they grew closer and, surprisingly, it hadn't bothered him as much as he'd thought it would. Though he'd rather bite off his tongue than say it, he found Spike to be fairly likeable these days.

Spike had done his share and more, when it came down to saving the world, and he'd made an obvious effort to change, to become something more than what he'd been.

And it wasn't to score points with Buffy. Maybe at first, but not anymore. He displayed clear affection for Dawn, and seemed fond of Willow and Tara as well. He never hesitated to join in and fight, and he'd stepped between all of them and certain disaster more than once.

Even Giles has come around to trusting him, and THAT was really saying something.

"I'm sorry, Buffy," he said, feeling lame and useless. "I just...I honestly don't know what to say to you right now."

She stared at him for a moment, then shrug- ged. "Why am I even asking YOU?" she said bitterly. "You hated him. Even after things changed...after HE changed...you never gave him a chance. None of you did, really, but you most of all."

Xander was stung by her words and tone. "Hey, that's not..."

"How many times did he save your ass, Xander?"

"More than once...I know that. But I..."

"So damned ungrateful." Her voice was tight with anger.

"Okay, now THAT'S it!" Xander said hotly, feeling his own anger rise. "I was NOT un- grateful for anything, and I didn't...I DON'T..hate him. Not for a long time now...and neither do the others."

Buffy stared at the floor, refusing to meet his eyes. "All you ever did was insult him," she mumbled.

"Yeah! That's right!" He took a deep breath, trying to control his irritation. "And all HE ever did was insult ME. It doesn't mean that we hated each other. I mean, can you see us having a touchy-feely encounter session, where we discuss all our innermost feelings and end it with a big hug?"

She shook her head. "That's not...:

"Don't blame ME," he cut her off rudely, "be- cause you didn't have the guts to tell him that your feelings had changed. That's not anyone's fault, but yours. You're a big girl, Buffy and..." He stopped ranting when she began to cry again.

"I know," she whimpered. "It IS my fault. I brought it...all on myself...and now I'm getting what I...deserve. It's just..." She looked at him sadly. "I just wish I could take it all back...do it all again..."

Xander's ire drained away in the face of her heartbreak. He slipped one arm around her shoulders, holding her while she cried.

"I'm sorry, Buffy," he tried to soothe her. "I'm sorry I yelled at you like that. I didn't mean.."

"I know," she said, drying her eyes again on the sleeve of her shirt, leaving smears of mascara on the material. "I'm sorry too...for what I said before."

He shook his head and tried out a smile. "Aw, fugeddabout it. I've heard worse...a lot worse come to think of it."

After a few moments of silence, he spoke hesitantly. "Buffy...I know that it's personal and you can tell me to mind my own business, but...were you and Spike..."

"Sleeping together?" she offered. "Yes. For almost four months now."

Xander was truly perplexed. Spike had wanted Buffy for so long...and he, himself knew how that felt, having spent a a certain period of his OWN life wanting her.

But, unlike him, Spike had been given the key to paradise. Had he actually given it back because she'd never told him that she cared?

Apparently, there was a lot more to Spike than Xander had ever realized.

He was startled out of his thoughts when Buffy suddenly jumped to her feet.

"I've...I've gotta get out of here, Xander. I just...I can't talk anymore about this..not right now."

She was halfway up the ladder before he knew what was happening.

"Wait a second...I'll take you home. Buffy! Wait for..."

He went after her, but by the time he'd climbed to the upper level and ran out- side...she was nowhere in sight.
 

TBC...