~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He flicked his cigarette tossing it upon the hollow ground where his thick black boot crashed the flickering crimson light. He exhaled the clouded air from his soft-dead lips. His face hardened, outlining his strained jaw that had self-tighten from the years of crushing mandibular teeth together, preventing from showing the flow of
emotions that were build within. His eyes were sapphire, dark and deep, showing no emotions, but years of knowledge and hurt.

He was beautiful.

His pallid skin was a marvel of perfection, smooth, creamy, almost infantile, almost tentative to the touch, almost surreal. His hair was unruffled, slicked back and bleached. But the shadows that covered his face in the star-less night was a given intuition that this was not a man to be underestimated or taken for a fool.

He look well beyond his years, almost as if life had thrown his too many curve balls and he'd hit everyone of them. His long leather black duster covered his entire body and he stared at the gray gravestone. His cloudy eyes never left the stones and he re-read the inscriptions over and over.

The more he contemplated the lines the darker his eyes got.

Joyce Lianne Summers
Beloved Mother, Gentle Soul
May She Rest in Peace
~~~~1956-2001~~~~

Dawn Robyn Summers
Beloved Daughter and Sister
May She Open Another Door
~~~~1986-2001~~~~

He kneeled before the graves and his eyes somewhat softened, almost remembering of a time so long gone.

His lips tightened and a single red-tear slashed down his muscular cheek.

He gently smoothed the weeds that were growing at the bed of the graves, leaving the area clean and pure. Clean and pure,....just like them. He thought.

He brought up his hand to his now slightly parted lips and kissed his ghostly fingers bringing the kiss back to each of the gravestones. He swallowed as his hand left the second precious stone and brought his hand back up to his aching heart.

He slowly stood up and walked away, never looking back at the resting souls. His step was slow, but with confidence and his facial features returned to their hardened appearance.

After three years he knew the exit form the cemetery by memory. He was cautious with his surroundings, not wanting to be taken by surprised by anyone-or one person in particular that he was not prepare to see,....not just yet. He walked to his black DeSoto, his "girl", the only one who returned his love. Turning on the engine he drove towards the familiar street.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I talk to you but it's not the same as touching' you
And every time you whisper my name, I wanna run to you
Well be together, it won't be long, it won't be long
But it feels like forever, and it's hard to be strong

Michael Bolton, "Missing You Now"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Willow unwrapped the towel from her head and brushed her wet now mid-back locks in an attempt to dry them. It was late almost eleven at night. And the night felt heavy. After years of heavy-training in Wicca she felt the gloomy stance of the night air that came throughout her apartment window. She shrugged slightly, November air is never good, even in California. Careful to make no noise, because Tara had gone to bed early to be prepared for her overnight trip to London were she was finishing her graduate courses in Occult Theology. She glanced quickly at the sleeping form that lay on their queen size bed, wrapped in their black sating sheets. Her tinted black hair camouflaged itself against the ebony of the pillow. As she gentle stirred in her sleep.

A small smile found Willow's face and momentarily contemplated the thought of her love leaving her for three entire months.

A sudden pang hit her delicate heart. By this time tomorrow she would be alone in their apartment and she will crawl into bed with out hearing Tara's breath rise and fall as she drifted off to sleep. She won't feel her arm grasp protectively around her waist and she burrow her face in the nape of her neck and inhale the sweet smell of lavender that always surrounded the young witch. Willow felt a sudden urges to crawl into bed and hold on to the little time they'll have together for the long waiting coming months.

How Buffy manages to do it, I'll never know. She thought to herself.

She walked lightly though the narrow hall that was painted Eggshell and decorated with spells that were framed and laminated, giving the place an earthly glow. The carpet felt thick and warm underneath her bare feet, as she made her way to the small kitchen to have a drink of milk. Tara always teased her on how she always had a taste of sour-milk at night. But Willow couldn't help it, she needed to feel the creamy coolness before she could even close her eyes. She tilted slightly to open the refrigerator door when a light knock came from the front door.

Willow frowned, it was probably Buffy, doing her too often recognized nightly visits to talk about things that had no answers or explanations. She grabbed a plastic cup from the cupboard and made her way to the door.

Expecting to see the blond slayer in her usual pooped self she plastered a fake smile, that meant . But her smile never stayed, instead the look of shock and disbelief was interrupted as her plastic cup dropped from her limp hand but was in s swift reflex by the dark man at her door.

She stared at him in disbelief, not a single sound coming from her lips.

He brought the cup back up to her and cocked his eyebrow with a devilish smile.

"Take it you remember me, Red." he said staring at her with the smirk she hadn't seen in so long.

She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out, she just stared at him in pure-agonizing shock.

"Well I always knew I had 'that effect on women, but really, pet, I am blushing." he said keeping the smirk on his lips.

He looked the same, but of course he dint age he was a vampire. Duh, Willow

"Spike?" she said in almost a croak.

His smile widened. "The' one and only."

"Spike..." she said more clearly, this time more of a statement. As if she had to convince herself that the blond creature was really standing in front of her and it was not a trick of her imagination after a long session with a mournful Buffy.

"Cor, pet, ain't gonna let an old friend in?" he said waiting for her invitation.

She moved to the side still looking perplexed.

"And the magic sentence is..." he said still waiting for her welcoming.

She somehow got her wheels moving in her charred brain and managed an embarrassed smile.

"Oh, ..I am sorry,...come in Spike." he walked in and handed her the cup she took it but never leaving his face. It was almost surreal, he was actually here.

Oh God, Buffy! Willow thought frantically.

She shut the door behind his quickly and turned back to him as he looked around her small apartment.

The furniture was gloomy but welcoming.

He saw the brown corduroy love seat that sat with fluffy white pillow thrown carelessly on top of the couch. A small entertainment system was positioned right before the homely couch that continued of the basic pieces needed by a couple of witches that refused to surrender themselves entirely to the advances of modern technology.

The walls were covered with a tall bookshelf that he guessed with be quite supplied with references to different baddies that the Slayer came in contact with. There were different mismatched coffee tables around the small living-dinning area, they were mostly covered with pictures and Wicca artifacts that he supposed they had slowly collected through the years. There was a small cheap china cabinet housing what ancient scrolls and small aged figures.

He turned around almost inspecting the place with a approving smile on his face.

"Nice flat, you got yourself." He said looking back to were she was standing, with the plastic cup in one hand and the other holding on to the kitchen counter for dear life.

She said nothing, still looking at him with disbelief.

Oh God, Buffy. Oh God, Buffy. Oh God, Buffy. She kept silently humming in her head. Shit. Shit, Shit, Shit.

"Luv, if you want me to leave, I can back some other time." He said looking at her perplexed face, taking slow steps towards the shocked red head.

"No!" she almost yelped. Holding the hand with the cup up towards him. "Please don't go!"

"So you're alive, that's good." He said smirking, relaxing a bit he sat on one of the high chair against the kitchen's island counter.

"Ha...Hav...Have you seen.," she gulped "Anyone,. or better yet has anyone seen you, since you arrived in town?" she said hopping against all might that Buffy had no indeed he was back.

After three years of backward counseling she felt prepared to get her M.D. in relationship psychology for the occult.

He smiled gently knowing what she meant. "No, only you, red."

"Good, Only me is good,....this is good, but not good, but bad in a good way." she said exasperated. "You know what I mean?"

"Actually I have no idea what you're blabbering 'bout, but then again I never understood the dialogue you Scoobies used." he said tapping his fingers against the pasting counter.

Willow gave him a little smile almost in relief.

"Same old Spike." she said more relaxed.

He gave her a small grin. "Same ol' Spike." he said taking his box of cigarettes out.

"With out the chip, though,.......do you mind if I smoke?" Willow gave him a frightened gasp and backed away for fear of an attack.

"Don't worry, Red, I haven't killed anyone in years." he said trying to assure her confidence.

And he hadn't killed. He tried, the moment the demon-doctor woke him up from his anesthesia. He had ran into the black night almost leaping for joy, searching desperately for a good hunt that would satisfy the two years of bag-feeding that he felt had adulterated his nature.

But it wasn't the two years of missed practice the stopped him from draining the young brunette dry, it was the face the appeared in his unconscious that made him gag at the thought of what he was doing. Whenever he tried to drain a person and fulfill full satisfaction Buffy would come into view and he would hear her say: and an uncontrollable desire to please her or to even prove her wrong, even though she was in the other side of the planet, he felt that if he could just leave his victims alive she was wrong and he was right.

That somehow he had won, that he could someday throw it in her face and say, "Look I did it for you, because I love you, because I've changed, because I can be good too, because, because, because,.........." and the reason went out into the night for she never heard them, she never witnessed it, she never believed him.

The anger and frustration that would curse through his veins made him repeat the vicious cycle over and over again till he had tens of semi-drained people and five empty bottles of tequila next to him while he lay in dark, dirty alleys of forgotten creatures. But that was what he was, a forgotten creature. A creature that fate had played a cruel joke with.

As a human he was weak and feeble, as a vampire in the high of his existence he was abandoned, despised and neutered, making him weak and feeble once more. And all his agony came back to one fateful night when in a small town he was completely captured by the sight of that which he could not have, the slayer.

She was everything he was, powerful, confident, smart, strong, daring, cocky, and above all a killer. He the slayer of slayers, she the slayer of vampires. No more impossibility could surface. They were born mortal enemies, and they would die mortal enemies. She was the person he couldn't kill, he was the one vampire she couldn't.

All the passion, all the lust, all the frustration, and the desire was compacted in that which was acceptable,....hate-disgust-repulsion. The need to rid each other of the other in order to place unacceptable feelings out of the possibilities.

The flame that was burning inside of him could no longer be subsided and he told her. Told her that he loved her, told her that he lusted her, he desired her. And he saw it in her eyes. The need, the want, the escape, the reality, but she controlled it. She took his open wound and poured salt in it. Slammed whatever little hope he held in his heart and walked away.

He left town that night, he left on her porch steps an envelope, and inside was a gold chain with a small cross that had a single red ruby in the center. He had acquired it in the Prague, years back and never got rid of it.

He never stayed to see if you would take it, or throw it away, which is probably what she did, but he didn't care anymore. So he cleaned out his few belongings and headed east towards New Orleans.

"But the chip..." Willow said almost testy.

"Tried to, pet, but couldn't do it." He looked up to her frightened face. " 'sides, why would I feed on one of my favorite humans." he smiled a little, almost knowingly.

"Oh, OK,.....so you're good now." she said stepping closer to him." I mean you help and stuff."

"I'm not peaches, red." he said, lifting his cigarette. "May I?"

Willow nodded, "Sure, go ahead."

He nodded in thanks and lighted the bud.

"So what brings you back to good old Sunnydale?" she took the stool facing him on the counter.

"I ran into the poof, back in LA and he told me,..." he swallowed "You know about Joyce and the Nibblet."

Willow gave him a small smile. "The Nibblet,......Buffy likes to call her that."

She then looked down, unsure if she should bring the slayer in the conversation.

"So,.....how's the Slayer doing these days?" he asked looking at his lit cigarette.

Willow swallowed contemplating her answer." Well,...she's slaying, you know same old same old, we get a baddie, he wants to end the world, Buffy stops them, the world is safe again." she said nervously.

He contemplated for a moment and her heart rate sped up.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. She thought over and over.

"Good,....." he paused and took draft. "Well I just came, you know to pay my respect, and make sure everyone else was alive and kicking, and I'll be on my way. Heard Dallas is not that bad..." he stood up and began walking towards the door.

"Spike!" she said going after him, "Don't you think you should tell Buffy,....you know that you were here,.....or at least say hi,...or something,.....a note or,...or.." she thought quickly trying to find the right words with out saying something that she shouldn't.

"I don't think that's a good idea, red" he said with out turning around.

His head dropped, slightly but sadly.

Willow approached slowly and carefully. And placed her small hand on his shoulder, tentatively.

"Spike, why did you leave?"

He stiffened under her touch. And she quickly withdrew her hand.

"You wouldn't understand, pet." he said with his eyes closed.

His heart was burning of pure emotion that his undead body was not supposed to have.

She took a deep breath.

"She still carries the cross."

That's all she had to say for him to turn around and face her. She could see the tension in his jaw and the sadness in his eyes.

"You left with out a goodbye, no note, no nothing, you just simply disappeared,.....poof!,...into thin air." She said slowly but honestly. "A lot has happened since you left,......but she has never forgotten you..."

His eyes searched her face for the truth, wishing it was another cruel joke of hope that the fates were playing with him. like his many dreams were he would wake up and Buffy was at curled up on him, whispering her love for him,....but he would wake up and get drunk, trying to forget it.

"What do you mean?" he said almost in whisper.

Willow took his arms slightly, "Why don't you come here and sit down, I'll make you some hot cocoa, even though I don't make it as good as Joyce used to, but I guess it will do.

He followed her almost automatically.

"And I'll compact three years in hopefully and hour."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Baby 'cause I'm missing you now

And it's drivin' me crazy

How I'm needin' you baby

I'm missing you now

Can't wait 'till I'm alone with you

To show you how I'm missing you now"



Michael Bolton, "Missing You Now"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



For the past hour and a half Willow had patiently told Spike the details that had happened in the past three years.

She began with Buffy finding the necklace and thinking he was psycho, then her mother had died two days after Spike left. When he heard that he almost cried out right. Just to think that if he would have been patient he would have tried to save her life, if possible. But Willow reassured him that there was nothing he could do.

Buffy had felt that same way, but three years after it she had realized that it was not her fault. After that Angel had come to comfort Buffy in her pain. Their friendship had been reinforced, at this Spike snorted, and they still talked. About a month after her mom died Riley came back and asked Buffy for forgiveness, she accepted him back and Riley, Buffy, and Dawn stayed in her mother's house and sold the gallery.

But two weeks after Riley came back Glory struck at full force and the council let Buffy know that the only way that Glory could be destroyed was by the key itself.

Though Buffy and the rest of the gang tried everything in their power to keep Dawn safe, one night she wondered out into the night. She left Buffy a note saying that she loved her and would go herself to destroy Glory. By the time Riley and Buffy reached the mansion that Glory had been hiding in they found Glory's ashes and Dawn body.

Though it was never her sister, all emotions and memories of Dawn were kept to remember her. Buffy cried on top of her body until sunrise.

She had kissed the top of her forehead and said "Goodnight, Nibblet."

Spike's jaw tightened trying to hold down the rage that had engulfed him. He could have helped, the lil' bit had no right to die. If he wasn't acting like a love sick puppy, he could have summoned his courage and faced them like the man he thought he was.

Again Willow reassured him that there was nothing anyone could have done, this was the way it was to end, and Dawn, with her life, had saved the world. Tears now ran freely down Spike's cheek, if he was feeling the loss he could almost imagine the pain that Buffy felt and the one she was still experiencing.

Willow continued telling him how Buffy had sold her mother's house and her and Riley had moved into their own apartment. Things seemed smooth between the two until Riley asked her to marry him.

Buffy went hysterical for a while and came running to Willow confessing that no matter how hard she tried, how sweet he was, how normal he acted she still could not love him back.

Willow had suggested that Buffy let go of Angel completely, but that was the night that Buffy made a confession to Willow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What do you mean you don't love him, Buffy, you two seem great, he's been there all along, and you look happy with him,....I don't understand." Willow asked placing her hand on Buffy's knee. "He's all you ever wanted."

Buffy gave her a small that. "I know he's all I ever wanted, Will,.....I know it."

"Then what's the problem, why can't you love him,.....I mean do you need more time?"

Buffy's eyes swelled with tears that she had repressed and hidden from everyone else.

"Buffy, what's wrong?.... You can tell me,......I'll never think low of you."

Buffy instantly started crying, sobbing in a way Willow had never seen her do before, she instantly placed her arm around her friend and tried to console her.

"Oh Will,......." she sobbed. "If you only knew who I loved." she cried.

"Buffy, I know you'll always love Angel,.......he's your first love,.......they always stay in your heart." Willow said trying to console her. "Look at Oz, no matter what happens with Tara, I'll always love him, no matter what."

Buffy shook her head as tears kept running down her swollen cheeks. "I've done the biggest sin....."

Willow waited patiently till her friend said what was in her heart.

"But it doesn't matter now,......." she sobbed. "Because he's,.......he's gone." the Slayer cried out. "They all leave." she cried even more.

Willow could just sit there and hug her even more closely.

"Why don't I ever end up with what I want?.......I spend my life saving the world and the one moment of happiness that I've really had backfires on me. And now.....I'll never know." she cried. "All I have is memories.......I am all alone."

Willow cradled her rubbing her back and patting her hair. "Buffy,....who?"

Buffy looked at her through glassy eyes, holding back the sobs that threatened to engulf her. "Will, if I tell you something,......" she paused. "You promise not to tell,....or to think I'm crazy......or....."

"Buffy, I told you, I am your best friend, anything that happens to you I will keep in my heart and never diminish you because of it." Willow said looking in her eyes.

Buffy slowly reached the top buttons of her blouse and pulled out the gold cross that hung permanently around her neck.

Willow's eyes widened as she recognized the cross as Spike's last gift before he left.

"Spike?..." Was all that Willow could croak out after her initial shock. "Oh Goddess!"

Buffy slowly brought the cross gently to her lips and kissed it tenderly. "It doesn't matter, Will, he's gone.......and I know him,.......he wont come back." she paused studying the cross. "He's much too proud,.......like me,.....just like me."

"Oh Buffy!, What are you going to do?" Willow asked feeling the hurt in Buffy's heart. "About Riley, I mean.....he loves you."

"I'll do what any other girls will do." Buffy said hiding the ornament back to the darkness of her shirt.

"So you're going to tell Riley, the truth." Willow gulped "Leave him?"

Buffy looked at her sadly. "No Will." she said "I am going to try to be happy next to the man who loves me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike felt like the floor had caved in from under him. She loved him! It was too precious and too surreal to believe. Then a pang hit his heart, she thought he was gone for good and went out and married Prince Commando while for all he knew now she loved the whelp and there was truly no hope for him now. His heart contracted and he thought he was going to choke.

He swallowed slowly, not trusting his voice and cleared his throat.

"So that's why you asked me if I ran into anyone when I came." he said looking at the red head. "You don't want any trouble with the bloke, I get it." he started to stand, he couldn't hear anymore.

The thought of Buffy, his Buffy going down the isle with another man sickened him, he envisioned how beautiful she would have looked, all golden and pure, filled with happiness and joy, and all the things he couldn't give her.

And for once in his undead life he knew what Angel felt, and didn't hate him or accused him, but only felt sorry for him.

This girl,.......this mortal girl, who was no more that 5'3, and could be lifted with a pinkie, had turned around the lives of two master vampires and thrown them into the dark land of broken hearts.

Willow reached up and grabbed his arms again. "No Spike,....she never married him." She said gently.

"What?" Spike asked confused. Thinking that perhaps they were still engaged. "But you just said..."

"I know what I just said." She pointed out patiently. "Sit down, let me finish the story." She commanded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wishin' you were here by my side is all that I can do

Got my arms around my pillow at night, they should be holdin'

Thought I was stronger, how could I know, how could I know

I can't take this much longer

It's so hard on my soul"



Michael Bolton, "Missing You Now"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everybody's got something

They had to leave behind

One regret from yesterday

Buffy and Riley lay on their new bed after their last session of love making before they were married. By this time tomorrow she would be "Mrs. Elizabeth Anne Summers-Finn". For some reason this made her gag and she lifted herself gently from Reel's large embrace.

She walked slowly to their bathroom and looked her self in. Without turning the light on she slid down the door and let the sobs that where dwelling in the base of her throat come fort and embrace her.

That just seems to grow with time

There's no use looking back, oh wondering

How could it be now, oh might have been

Oh this I know, but still I can't find ways to let you know

She clutched her heart for fear that it was being torn off her chest and she rocked her self back and forth trying to ease the hurt, trying to forget the memories, trying to be the wife that Riley needed, trying to be the woman she knew she wasn't.

She wasn't some domesticated sorority chick whose sole dream in life was to make her husband happy. She needed something, someone, other than this, this was tearing. Here she had all she thought she wanted. A promise of a happy long future, kids, white picket fence, days in the sun, growing old, things she thought she would never have, and knew she couldn't have if she followed she desires of her heart.

So she sobbed, coming to no conclusion, holding no solutions, just dreams and memories. And she allowed herself to do something she hadn't done in almost a year. She remembered him. His eyes, they were small and blue, but held so much truth.

She knew no matter what he said he wasn't lying, he had never lied to her. His mouth, so soft next to his ,muscular face. Lips that she had kissed so long ago but still felt the burning freeze upon her own.

I never had a dream come true

'Til the day that I found you

Even though I pretend that I've moved on

You'll always be my baby

"Spike....." she croaked out.

She had not said his name since she told the gang that he had disappeared almost a year and a half ago. His name was like life into her lips. They melted in her taste buds and she could almost taste him, he tasted like cigarettes with a slight hint of coppery blood. But he felt magnificent.

Strong and confident, challenging and true. Fresh sobs caught at her throat as she felt his presence.

She reached for her cross, she had told Riley her mother had given her this cross and that's why she wore it at all times. He didn't argue with her, just nodded in understanding.

Riley,....sweet, dependable Riley.

That looked at her with pools of loving eyes that said "I'll always love you." His embrace was strong but sloppy, and she found herself most times lost within his arms. Overwhelmed by his concern, his love, and his abiding. Never a challenge, never a fight, never passion, action, lust. His kisses were sweet and slow, and too gentle, too caring, never demanding.

In all her time with Riley he had never stirred so much emotion as she got from the mere touch of Spike's cross. The feel, it was ludicrous. Almost as if all the heat, desire, lust, craving was momentary transmitted to her and she was lost in orgasmic joyance.

Sometimes when her and Riley were making love she would crave Spike's touch so much she wouldn't be able to come, so she would resort to grabbing the cross and feel the palpitation emanating from her hot core.

I never found the words to say

You're the one I think about each day

And I know no matter where life takes me to

A part of me will always be with you

It was beautiful, as if she felt her full potential enveloping her pivot and she was weak and strong at the same time.

She cried .

Cried for the love she couldn't give to Riley, cried for the love she had denied Spike, cried for the love and happiness she had not let herself experience in the arms of the man who had meant her all but she was too half-witted to recognize.

She cried for their love.

She cried for the visions of Spike having wild-passionate sex with Drusilla, whispering that she was his "black princess"' and he loved no other but her.

She cried till she had no other thoughts left.

When she exited the bathroom, she broke up with Riley.

After all you can't marry one man, when you're in love with someone else.

Somewhere in my memory

I've lost sense of time

And tomorrow can never be

'Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Willow had captured every emotion that had passed through Spike's face. From the agony of Buffy being with Riley to her realizing that she truly loved him.

HIM! Out of all people! No peaches, no whelp, no captain America,.......but him, the soulless vampire.

At times Willow thought that Spike was going to run out the do and find Buffy, and at other times she thought he was going to wallow in self pity.

They had wasted so many years. Buffy would not live forever, she was the Slayer, she came with an expiration mark, she was born to die for the continuation of this world who had treated her so badly. And the men she had truly loved had been the creatures she had been born to kill.

All these years Spike had stayed away thinking Buffy wanted him dead, and all these years what she really wanted was his companionship. This was too much, thought Willow. It was like reading a smut romance novel.

The classic Romeo and Juliet story. But she decided to put those feelings out of her mind because she knew the ending.

"After Riley left," Willow continued. "She just stayed living in their apartment."

She took a sit from her hot tea she had made for herself while Spike drank his hot cocoa.

"We finished college last semester and Buffy took Slaying full time, she's got enough money left over from her mom's things and her father, for some weird reason supports her."

Willow finished the long story and she glanced at the clock and it read 1 AM. She was tired, beyond tired, this entire situation was beyond existing. She could only imagine what it was going to be for Buffy.

"So you see then, you have to see her." she said looking at the blond." She's got to at least know that you still care."

Spike lowered his gaze to his pale hands.

The past two hours had been the most heart-rending moments since he last saw the blonde Slayer. One moment his emotions were in chaos, the next they were stable and sure. He should have never come back, he had lost his heart too many times to women who didn't return his love. He was tired, tired of loving and receiving mockery, tired of exposing his emotions and having them trampled by the people he thought meant the world to.

All his life. From Cecily, the first girl he truly loved as a mortal, he loved her foolishly and she had discarded him. He was no more to her than a grain of rice. She said it her self.

Then there was Drusilla, his black princess, his companion. He loved her beyond desperation. For over one hundred years he was at her side. Bidding her every need, smiling at her lunacies, never cruel or rude or ruff. She was delicate, like a dying rose whose petals threaten to fall.

He had cared for her, loving her beyond what was possible for a vampire to feel, but he had felt it. No matter what those watcher's journals said, no matter what mythology implied, he had loved her, if not out of pure need but out of pure desire.

But she had never loved him the way he loved her. He always thought she did, but he had realized it wasn't so the moment Angelus came back into the picture. She had turned his back on him and shut the door without a second glance. And it tore him inside.

Yet he still had faith in their devotion and had done the unthinkable- and joined forces with the Slayer.

Still after all his trials left him, left him, a simple and that was all, one hundred years of solitude flushed over him as he realized he never truly had her.

And then there was the Slayer.

The bouncing golden piece of human mass that had dismembered every evil thing that he had tried to do. From the moment he had beheld her strong small figure, slashing, kicking, smart ass her way through a fight, he felt he had finally seen himself in over one hundred years. She was like him in every way. Stubborn, smart, fast, agile, impatient, rude, blunt, and never abiding by society's rules.

He had finally met his match.

He knew at that moment he would never be able to kill her, even if it meant his own demise in the process, he could never kill the incarnation of what he was. At the moment he had not known what to do, and all that registered in his mind was that he had to get rid of this celestial being that could threaten the walls he had placed up around himself.

But she broke them. With various breaking points, from the moment he realized he always kept coming back to the God forsaken town, and to the fact that he blamed everything on her. Then the moments that they were both under that spell, and touching her lips had made him feel truly alive in 120 years.

The way she loved so completely, she was so hungry for love just like he was and they erupted into the realms of passion. Thought short lived and forced into accepting it was all a fake he could still smell her vanilla shampoo, and the warmth of her small hands left their scars on his cold chest, embedded like cicatrix of and old whiplash that would forever remind him of what he could never have.

He looked up to the red head who was staring at him intently and felt his eyes swell in poodles of tears. He instantly brought back his hands to his eyes to cover their shame.

"I love her so much, Red." he said quietly trying to control his quivering voice. "I love her so bloody much it hurts, like burning holy water down my throat,........the mere thought of her makes me want to run to sunlight." he looked down at his tear-blood stained hands.

"Because I thought that these hands could never make her happy,.........because if I allow her to love me,.....and share what little time she has left,.......I could not bear it of she was taken away......................" he choked.

Willow was trying to control her tears as she thought of their hopeless love.

She gently put her hands in his "It is better to have loved and lost,..........than never to have loved at all." she quoted.

Spike looked at her through his blurry sight. He thought for a moment, he was jeopardizing his sanity, he was tired of wishing, waiting, and hoping. He just wanted to hold Buffy and never let her go. To look at her face and memorize every line, he didn't want to miss a thing.

A sense of needfulness flushed through his body, as if he didn't run into the night he would never find what made his life complete.

"Willow!" he said exasperated. "I need to find her, now!"

Willow was shaken into confusion, one moment he was saying he couldn't go to her, now he needed to find her.

She thought quickly. And smiled. "I think I know were you can find her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Baby I just can't wait

Till I see your face

Chase away this loneliness inside

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy checked the surrounding area to make sure there was no more trouble at sight. It had been a light night of patrol, only dusted two new born vamps. Other than that, it was the usual sight seeing.

The cemetery was gloomier than usual, but then again graveyards were supposed to be gloomy. Maybe it was her mood. Tonight she had felt his presence even more than other days. Almost as if he was watching her, almost as if he were close enough to touch. Her heart constricted, his memories always did that to her.

She sighted.

This was the last round, her last stop, this is were she got off.

She always ended her patrol in "his" field. This was a usual thing for her, not a night went by that she dint continue this ritual, almost hopping that when she walked into his deserted crypt he would be there waiting for her. Then she would walk in with out an invitation, like she always did, and grab him to slam him against one of the crypt's walls.

She smiled thinking at what smart comment he would come up with. Then she would hit him even harder till she got him to do what she needed.

She frowned, all the time she had to do something other than asking him for favors, and she had wasted it slapping him around.

Maybe this time he'll be there, maybe.........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After leaving Willow's house Spike drove quietly towards his old crypt. His head was going a mile a minute. He was not supposed to be confused. His intention was never to confront the Slayer again. That was something he was wishing he could escape.

Last time they had a confrontation it had ended with his heart shattered and now he finds out that all this time she returned his feelings. He was angry, angry with her most of all. She could always anger him above any other. It mattered not how much he loved her, she was the pill that drove him to madness. He had a plan, and that plan was to live the rest of his unlife in sorrow for all of love's lost.

Again she ruins his plan.

He could snap her neck at this instant. But he dint know what would feel better; keeping her alive and torturing himself, or killing her and live with the agony of her death. Which ever way he would end up loosing. Like everything that consumed around her, he lost.

He wasn't up to seeing her and even thought Willow had told him how her new patrol route went, he was not interested in seeing her. Not yet,....any ways.

He found his old crypt with no difficulty and brought down his small-black duffel bag that contained his change of clothes and fresh blood.

"His" cemetery looked the same as it did years ago. Dark, gloomy, and welcoming. He instantly smelled her, either she had been there recently or she was there. He paused considering the consequences of accidentally running into her, but his anger took over his conscience and he entered the crypt any ways, if she indeed was there, he was bound to let her know a piece or two of his mind.

His crypt was still empty, and the moment he entered old memories of past things surfaced to his mind. It was then that he saw what was at the corner, where the old TV he used to be.

There was a newer TV with an older VCR, propped into a shabby table. He looked around to sense occupants, but there was no one there but him and the smell of Buffy all over. It smelled of her fresh shampoo and her vanilla lotion, and he inhaled the fragrance hungrily. Filling his mind with flash-photos of her.

He shrugged it away angrily and turned his attention to the entertainment set.

On top of the TV set there were a couple of drawings, he recognized the face on them as he realized with shock that it was of himself. He was in various looks. In one them he was giving the viewer his famous "I'm the big bad" smirk, and he instantly decided that he liked that one the best.

The other was of his smiling like an idiot, but there was an inscription that read "Have yet to see."

The third was strange. Almost indescribable, as if he was looking at the viewer intently, with passion, or maybe love in his eyes, they almost twinkled in the dark room. He then remembered that his eyes were blue and his jaw tightened.

There was no signature or trace of who had done the fairly good drawings. He shrugged, this was getting weirder and weirder by the moment.

Next to the electronics there was a relatively large box with a lid, and in front of it was a large old black comforter and a black pillow thrown loosely in the floor. As if someone watched TV wrapped around the warm blanket.

He walked over with interest and Buffy's smell got stronger. He lifted the comforter easily in his right hand and placed down his duffel bag. He smelled the old fabric and was hit a thousand sensations

It was Buffy, she was all over the blanket.

As if she wrapped herself nightly against it's warmth . The smell was intoxicating and inviting. He wanted to wrap himself in her smell and die there happily, all thoughts of anger towards her disappeared and he wanted nothing more than to hold her and tell her he'd never leave again.

He interrupted his own thoughts and moved to the box that was placed neatly next to the VCR. The lid came off easily and he found hundreds of tape recordings, all neatly stacked and labeled. They read "'Passions, 11-20-03", or "Passions 3-05-01". The recordings had been about every Passions show since he left.

What the bloody hell is going on around here? He thought.

He looked around the empty crypt trying to sort this out in his head, putting two and two together.

The blanket smelled of Buffy and the pillow had strands of long blond hair on it, there was a TV and a VCR that was obviously used to record the show. There were drawings of him on the wall, with no signature. The entire crypt smelled of her scent, and now that he noticed the floor was actually clean, no cobwebs, no dust. As if someone looked after it.

A noise came from the door, and he quickly reflex, placing the lid down and throwing the blanket to the floor. He grabbed his duffel bag and hid in a dark corner that was away from the objects but he could see them clearly.

Buffy entered the crypt and threw her slaying bag on the floor.

"Honey, I'm home." She said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you're close to my heart

Right here in my arms

Then and only then

Will I be satisfied

I'm missing you now

We'll be together, it won't be long, it won't be long

But it feels like forever, and it's hard to be strong



Michael Bolton, "Missing You Now"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike stiffed, he felt his whole body shake as he watched this now-grown up Buffy enter his old crypt, just like she used to, but with so much grace, as if this is what she did every night.

"Oh I forgot, you're not here," she said sadly. "You know, baby, this place still smells like you." she walked easily about and strait to the TV set.

Spike watched her intently. She was different.

Her hair was longer, down to her waist and it was still the same goddess-blond color, with a subtle hint of waves, and it hung loose around her slender shoulders. She was thin as ever, but her curves where accentuated with her tight dark-denim jeans and her low cut emerald shirt that showed off her full breast.

He gulped as he felt his cock harden against his tight jeans.

Her eyes were sad, he decided, as if she lost something irreplaceable.

He watched as she walked over to the TV set and crouched before the VCR.

"There we go." she said as she hit rewind "Let's see what happened today. She glanced up to where the drawings of Spike were at, "Wanna know about my day?"' she asked.

Spike was getting nauseous and he heard Buffy telling 'him' about her day.

She's bloody lost it. He thought.

He dint understand or maybe he did not want to understand, Buffy was repeating the vicious cycle he had done years ago with his obsession with her. He remember stealing her sweaters and pictures and building a 'shrine' for his slayer.

At the time she thought he was psychotic, But look at her now. He thought.

The VCR stopped and she sat on the floor to press play and lie down on the pillow, then covering up her self up with the blanket. She took off her shoes and with her toes stretched she hit the ON button on the TV.

Spike couldn't take it anymore. His emotions were about the spontaneously combust. Not waiting for the show to come on he stepped out of the shadows carefully, as to not scare her. He looked down at her, her fair hair was spread out on the pillow and it contrasted against the darkness of the material.

"Hello, Cutie." he said making his presence known at last.

She heard his words as if in a dream, like the ones you hear from your unconscious, so she thought she was dreaming.

That is until she heard his heavy boots hitting the floor as he walked towards her, and her vampiric sense went wild with knowledge. She looked up and saw the familiar face with the platinum blond hair she had never been able to forget.

Abruptly she stood up and stared at the man that had been invading her thought for so long.

He looked exactly as she always saw him in her thoughts. Dressed from head to tow in black, with his black leather coat covering him entirely. He was looking at her intently with his piercing dark blue eyes, and she saw his jaw was clenched making his cheekbones stand out in the flickering dark room.

Her heart and mind were numb. Was he real? Was he her imagination? But then she realized that in her imagination he had always looked softer, kinder, loving, and accepting.

The man before her was real, it was the vampire that she could never defeat, it was not the man she couldn't stop loving.

"Spike?" she asked tentatively almost in a whisper.

Her eyes looked freighted. And that was good, that's what he wanted, he was mad at her. For being so beautiful, stubborn, and lovable. He wanted nothing more than to hold her till he was satisfied and then snap her neck for making him suffer all this time, for turning him into the wuss he had become, the great master vampire who was wiped my a mortal slayer he had never been able to call truly his.

"Slayer." he said in a hard tone.

His voice was acid to her newly opened wounds, and she flinched internally. Her greatest fear had come true, and she could tell by the look in his eyes that he had truly become her enemy. He hated her more now after what she had done.

Her soul nearly cried out to him to forgive her, but her mind told her to be mad at him for leaving her for so long, craving his touching, begging to hear his voice. Feelings and emotions were jumbled together and she did not know what to make out of them.

She knew she loved him, unquestionably, and she no longer cared if it was right or wrong. She was tired of saving the world over and over and having her wants and true wishes denied. She had lost Angel once because of the cruel fate of this world and she would not loose Spike, no matter what consequences she had to pay.

"You're back." she said softly.

She knew her eyes must scream hunger but she was not giving herself up so quickly.

"Old accounts to settle." he simply said.

He saw the desire in her eyes, and could hardly keep his body from taking her in his arms, to feel her warmth and delight in her humanity.

But he also saw and flinched at the disappointment in her eyes, she wanted him,....she wanted the love without consequences,.....she wanted what he was too mad to give her.

"I see,....." she said sadly. "You left with out saying goodbye......." she was trying to hold the emotions flooding her senses.

She wanted to punch him and kick him for being so heart-less but at the same time she wanted to hold his beautiful face and ask for forgiveness.

But at the moment she couldn't do anything, she was frozen by the mere shock of his sudden appearance.

"I did as you wished." he said bringing her back to that day at her porch when she told him to get out of town. And he did just that. He did what she never expected him to do.

For once, he did as she told him, and she hated him for it.

"Spike, I....." she started.

"I know what you meant, Summers, and now I am back." he said harshly.

Her heart sank. She wanted to scream, to shake him into the soft man she had grown to enjoy three years ago.

"And I'm ready to bag my third Slayer." he continued.

Her bottom lip trembled, out of hurt or out of anger-she did not know. "Spike, your chip.." she reminded him.