Wonder If You Do
Written by: Esme
Author's Website
Summary: Spike thinks about his relationship with Buffy. Spoilers up to Dead Things.
Distribution: If you want it, take it, just let me know.
Disclaimer: The show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of it's characters belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, & Fox Prod.
Notes: This is my first Spike/Buffy piece. Please let me know what
you think. Constructive criticism is most welcome.
/ indicates Spike's memories.
Feedback: Love it? Hate it? Please tell me. akiyah2000@yahoo.co.uk
/"I know you'll never love me .." I say as you walk upstairs. You
stop, and turn to look at me .. "I know that I'm a monster; but you
treat me like a man.."/
I remember that night as if it were yesterday. You invited me into
your home, again, and entrusted the life of your sister to me. Why
you chose me, I'll never know.. I let you down anyway.. you still
died, and I didn't stop it from happening. It broke me when you
left, I only stayed strong for lil' bit, never really wanted her to
see how much it hurt me, but she knew, and, in a way, it gave us
something to share, because we both loved you. We still do.
Then you came back, and the part of me that had felt so empty,
flooded over. I was elated, you could even say ecstatic, but the
first thing I thought when I saw you walk down those stairs and
heard your heart beating, was how lucky I was. Selfish, I know, but
I was lucky.. I am lucky, because you're here, alive, and you're
sharing that life with me.
In a way.
/ "Oh, poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in anywhere, she's got
no one to love."
"Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot! Poor Spikey! Can't be a
human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in? Your job is
to kill the slayer, but all you can do is follow me around making
moon eyes."
"I'm in love with you." /
That was the night that changed everything. The night we brought the
house down! That was the night that you had me completely. All I
was, was yours. When you kissed me, I wasn't that surprised.. It was
either gonna be that, or another kick in the face. Then when you
lowered yourself onto me, when I felt your heat, the moistness of
your arousal; when you looked at me, I lost myself in you. Lost
myself like I have in all the times I've dreamed of making love to
you. But that wasn't love making. It was sex. Need, want, desire and
longing made that happen.. not love.. at least, not on your part.
Probably not on mine either.. not really. Not then.
I think the closest we've ever got to making love was when you were
invisible. It was perfect.. for you, anyway. Nobody had to know, and
it was a good job that Xander believed that exercising bullshit, if
he really did. But that was why you came to me that day. Because
nobody would know, because nobody could see you, because it was safe
for you to let your desire for me take over. You let it happen,
because hey "If you can't see it, it's not there" right?
Wrong.
You proved that in the alley.
/ "I am not your girl!" (punch, punch, punch) "You don't ... (punch)
have a soul! (punch) There is nothing good or clean in you. (punch)
You are dead inside!(punch) You can't feel anything real!(punch) I
could never ...(punch) be your girl!"
"You always hurt ... the one you love, pet." /
And I wonder if you do. Love me, that is. I know you love what I
do.. what I do to your body, how I make you feel when I'm buried
inside your warmth, when I match you thrust for thrust. When I lead
you to completion with my fingers, my tongue.. my voice.. the things
I tell you.
Even though I know that I am just a need, just something to make you
feel something.. anything.. I can't help but wonder if you love me.
If you see some part of the man you make me feel like when I'm with
you. If you love the man that you see, or hate him as much as the
demon I am, the monster I am.
And if you do, will I ever know? Will I ever hear you say it when
you moan my name as you climax? Will you ever tell me? Or will you
keep it a secret until you leave this place again, and we can no
longer be together?
I wonder.
Because here you are, asleep in my arms, and you look at peace. You
look content. And I smile, because you're here, alive, and you're
sharing your life with me. And I wonder..
If you do..
The End
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