SYNOPSIS: Buffy takes the girls out to pick a wedding dress, but things get a little out of hand. (8th in the sillyfic series)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything.
TIMELINE: The series tailed off from season 4, and took it's own funky direction. 'To Shanshu in LA' hasn't happened... yet!
SPOILERS: S1-5. According to the sillyfic canon, s5 never existed, but I like to throw the odd mention of it in for a laugh.
PAIRINGS: Buffy/Angel Willow/Tara Xander/Anya Faith/Spike
DISTRIBUTION: You really want this?! Now *that's* funny! Just tell me where it goes.
FEEDBACK: I desire nothing more in the world. Aside from a real life Angel for my very own, of course!
RATING: NC-13 (what does 'NC' mean, btw?)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: In times of crisis, I turn to my sillyfics. I'm feeling totally submerged as a writer at the moment. A combination of bad English exams and a loss of confidence in my ability has left me a total shivering wreck. The only thing I can actually write is a badfic, ironically, so here it is.
DEDICATION: To Penny, because she's been ill, and because I still haven't written that leather-pants fic yet! To Tim, who will never read this, but he made Saturday night last week really fun for me, so I wanted to thank him.

GILES (V.O): "Previously on 'the Misadventures of the Scooby Gang' series..."

The following scenes from previous fics are shown:
- RILEY being murdered by DRACULA (Roll of Thunder)
- BUFFY and ANGEL announcing their engagement (Transylvania Revisited)
- FAITH admitting that she fancies SPIKE (Transylvania Revisited)
- RILEY being resurrected (Transylvania Revisited)

~~~

We FADE IN with an interior shot of a Wedding Dress shop. TARA, ANYA, WILLOW, CORDELIA and FAITH are sitting on a sofa, looking incredibly bored.

BUFFY walks out of a changing room. She's wearing a grotesque Pink Meringue dress.

BUFFY (excited): "What do you think?! It's perfect, isn't it!!!"

The others exchange looks.

BUFFY (strongly, manic): "ISN'T IT?!"

ANYA, CORDY and TARA: "Yeah! Sure!"

WILLOW: "Buffy, the whole point of wearing a wedding dress is to look good. It's supposed to be the bridesmaids that look bad, not the other way around!"

TARA: "Ssh, honey! Don't upset the Buffy-Beast..."

CUT TO- A shot of BUFFY. Her eyes bulge scarily before she suddenly calms down and smiles radiantly.

BUFFY: "You're right. Thanks for being honest, Will, I don't know what I would have done without you being here."

BUFFY exits.

ANYA: "You'd actually pick a dress and leave after twenty-five hours, instead of trying on yet *another* one!"

BUFFY (O.S): "I heard that!"

WILLOW: "Sorry, guys, I had to be honest. All the other dresses she's tried on looked nice though."

FAITH: "Yes, to the entire world population *except* Buffy. That was the only dress she has actually liked since we came here, and you stopped her buying it! I don't care that it was hideous, we should have called it splendid and hit the road."

WILLOW: "And leave her on her wedding day looking like a life-sized pink mushroom? That's worse than Chinese Water Torture! My god, woman, have you no heart?!"

FAITH: "You keep forgetting that I'm evil."

WILLOW: "Oh yeah. I forgot."

FAITH (mumbling): "I wish the police would."

CORDELIA: "How long have we been here? I've got cramp."

ANYA (looking at her watch): "Twenty-five hours. That's a whole day of our lives wasted! WASTED!"

She screams wildly and throws her head in her hands. CORDELIA tentatively pats ANYA'S shoulders and looks at the others for guidance.

CORDELIA (mouthing): "What's her childhood trauma?!"

WILLOW: "She has mortality issues."

TARA: "That shop assistant woman keeps plying us full of mouth-tingling coffee and tasty chocolates, making us want to stay here forever! Buffy's tried on the entire shop's worth of wedding dresses."

FAITH: "They've begun ordering out from other stores."

CORDELIA: "Oh look! Here comes that nice human shop assistant with more coffee and chocolates!"

ALL: "Yay!"

The SHOP ASSISTANT enters the room. She is clearly a green SLIME DEMON, covertly hiding her evil identity under a small business dress-suit thing. The demon is even wearing red lipstick on her face. Which is funny 'cos she has no mouth.

DEMON: "I've got more coffee!"

ALL: "Yay!"

DEMON: "And as an extra special treat, I've brought you some cake!"

TARA (upset): "No chocolate?"

DEMON: "Not this time."

All the others eat the cake. TARA abstains, mumbling that it isn't the same.

DEMON: "Bwahaha!!! You've eaten my cursed cake! It will make you all become irritable towards the Slayer. Angry even. Hurtful, perhaps! Thus ensuring that you, her friends, weaken Buffy Summers by making her feel sad and alone. Which gives me the opportunity to kill her and claim victory over Buffy, the 'Vampire/Demon/Ghost/delete as applicable Slayer'!"

TARA gasps.

CORDELIA: "Has this cake got raisins in it?"

DEMON: "Yes."

CORDELIA: "Cool."

She eats it.

TARA: "Didn't you guys hear? The shop assistant spiked the cake! She's going to turn you against Buffy!"

WILLOW: "No she didn't, and no she's not!"

TARA: "Yes she did and yes she will!"

DEMON (to Tara): "Ah, you never ate the cursed cake, huh, bub? Part of the deal with the cursed chocolate involves them not hearing an evil word I say."

TARA: "Huh?"

DEMON (impatient): "They can't hear me when I say evil things. It's all part of the deal."

TARA: "Ah. Why?"

DEMON (shrugs): "I dunno. Ask the cake manufacturers. But I think they ate some cake and died, so they won't answer you."

TARA: "NOOOOOOOOO! You're so evil!!! How can I cure them?"

DEMON: "Well, there is one way. You must- hey! I'm not falling for that! There is no cure! Bwahahaha!"

CUT TO: A shot of WILLOW, FAITH, CORDELIA and ANYA as they become more entranced from the cursed cake.

ANYA: "I'm beginning to feel a deep resentment for Buffy. She turned me into a human."

WILLOW: "No, Giles did. He broke your necklace."

ANYA: "Buffy, Giles...what's the diff?"

WILLOW: "You're right! Before Buffy came to Sunnydale, I lived a dangerous-less life!"

CORDELIA: "I was still popular! I had a chance with Angel!"

FAITH: "Jeeze guys, what's gotten into you? Buffy's our friend! She tried to kill me a few times, but I've learned to let go. Why don't you?"

CORDELIA: "She gutted you with your own knife and put you in a coma."

FAITH: "Yeah! The bitch!"

ANYA: "I'm SICK of picking dresses!"

WILLOW: "BUFFY TAKES HOURS SHOPPING!"

FAITH: "ALL SHE AND ANGEL DO IS SNOG AND GROPE!"

CORDELIA: "I DON'T EVEN WANT THEM TO GET MARRIED, WHY AM I HERE?!"

TARA: "It's not you talking, it's the spell! You don't hate Buffy!"

ANYA: "Ah! We have a Buffy-lover in our midst!"

CORDELIA: "Kill her!"

WILLOW and FAITH: "Yeah! Kill the Buffy-Lover!"

TARA (afraid): "BU-UFFY! BU-UFFY!"

BUFFY enters, wearing a lime green catsuit with frills and flowers attached to it.

BUFFY: "What do you think of this? Honestly?"

WILLOW: "It stinks. But in comparison with you, it looks fantastic!"

BUFFY: "Pardon me?"

TARA: "Buffy! The shop assistant is a-"

The DEMON suddenly covers TARA'S mouth up so she can't speak.

DEMON: "-dedicated Wedding Planner for you and your fiancé. Heh heh..."

BUFFY: "Okay..."

ANYA: "Angel is evil. What on earth do you wanna shack up with him for?"

CORDELIA: "I'm sick of you, your wedding, and your bloody wedding dresses!"

FAITH: "You stole my knife. I'll never forgive you, B!"

BUFFY pouts.

BUFFY: "You're just jealous 'cos I'm getting married and you're not! Nyah nyah!"

She leaves.

ANYA: "Wow. That was rude. No surprise there, with Ms Whiny Summers on the loose."

WILLOW: "She's been like that for the past few weeks. Every little chance she gets, she rubs in that she's getting married and that everybody else isn't!"

FAITH: "Girls, I have the perfect way of ruining Buffy's life."

ALL (except TARA): "Ooh, how?!"

FAITH: "All that matters to her is her bloody wedding. That's what makes her special, what makes her shine a little brighter than the rest of us."

WILLOW: "Darn Tootin'!"

FAITH: "So, what would happen if we all got married before she did? Her day would pale in insignificance! It'd ruin her life!"

CORDELIA: "That's just crazy enough to work! I bags Angel for my hubby!"

ANYA: "He's taken already. By BUFFY, remember?"

CORDELIA: "Grr, yeah, that's why I hate her so much!"

WILLOW: "Tara, if you give up your Buffy reverence, I'll let you be my wife. 'Cos I love you and all that."

ANYA: "But only if you swear you hate Buffy..."

TARA: "I don't lie...it's not in my nature!"

ALL (chanting, enclosing on Tara): "Say it! Say it! Say it!"

TARA: "Eep! I have to get help! But all the doors are locked and four people are attacking me! I have no choice but to harness my super-hero powers, which will enable me to escape from captivity! But the only way to do that is to dress in my superhero's clothes, as they are my only power source and they also make me look really cool!"

She ducks under the table, emerges costumed as ROBINETTE and flies out of the window, screaming 'Gee Willigers Batman!' as a war cry.

Oh no, you didn't know about that, did you?

SFX- Climatic Music begins to play.

Here's the story...TARA is a normal blond haired girl by day, but at night (and on alternating weekends) she becomes Robinette, professional Super-hero and Poker champion!!! This is Tara's REAL big secret which Willow doesn't know about. Tara -aka Robinette- is basically the female version of Robin.)

Ironically, nobody notices that TARA has just turned into ROBINETTE and flew out of the window. They're too busy planning their vicious attack on BUFFY.

WILLOW: "If Tara ain't interested, I'll just call Oz. He'd enjoy a good wedding. I'll have to tie him to a chair in case he turns wolfie, though."

FAITH: "I'll marry Spike!"

CORDELIA: "Tramp! You haven't even been on a date with him yet!"

FAITH: "Yes I have! We went out on a killing spree last Tuesday, we ended the night smooching on the backseat of someone's Chevy. Spike stole it for me, the sweety! We were gonna take things slow, but I think he's expecting me to spring the M word on him any day now."

WILLOW: "Murder?"

FAITH (annoyed): "Marriage. Why does everybody think I'm some psycho murder-lover? I'm sick of this restricting label you freaks have shoved on me!"

WILLOW: "You *are* evil. You said it yourself earlier."

FAITH (moaning): "Well it's one thing when I say it. It's something else when someone else does."

ANYA: "I'll marry Xander!"

No-one reacts.

ANYA: "I guess that was obvious, huh?"

CORDELIA: "And I'll marry Giles!"

Off the others looks...

CORDELIA (cont): "I go for the older man..."

*

CUT TO- ANGEL'S mansion. All the guys are there. ANGEL is finishing telling a very funny tale, which the gang are laughing their heads off about.

ANGEL: "Then the rabbit said, 'Whose got my slippers?!"

Everyone howls with laughter.

SPIKE: "You are the funniest guy I know, Angel!"

GUNN: "You must get on the stage, you comical legend!"

XANDER: "I take back every bad word I've ever said about you! The walls of brooding and seriousness you put between us over the years have broken down with that joke! You're the Funny GOD, man!"

ANGEL: "I know!"

Suddenly, the door breaks down and TARA, oops, I mean ROBINETTE enters the room.

ALL: "Aaaaaah!"

WESLEY: "Kill it!"

ANGEL: "I don't want to, it looks tough!"

ROBINETTE: "Don't fear, friends! I am Robinette, defender of the helpless, scourger of evil! I am also a super-heroine!!!"

GUNN: "Super-heroine, huh? Wow, does anybody else feel really turned on all of a sudden?"

ALL: "Uh-huh..."

ANGEL: "How can we help you, oh magnificent Robinette?"

ROBINETTE: "Go to the Wedding store! Buffy is being attacked by her friends, who are under a daaaaark spell!"

ANGEL: "Buffy?! NOOOOO!"

He runs out into the night.

ROBINETTE: "Bye!"

She smashes through the ceiling, then floats out into the night.

GUNN: "Robinette! When will I see you again? I love you, girl! Date me?"

ROBINETTE (O.S): "I'm gay!"

GUNN: "D'oh!"

*

CUT TO- The Wedding Store.

All the girls, BUFFY included, are fighting over wedding dresses.

BUFFY: "Let go of my dress! You're all being so mean to me!"

DEMON (hopeful): "Do you feel alone, sad and weak?"

BUFFY: "No, but I feel angry."

DEMON: "D'oh!"

Suddenly, the door bursts open and ANGEL, SPIKE, WESLEY, GUNN, GILES and XANDER enter.

ANGEL: "Buffy!"

ANYA: "Xander! Marry me?"

XANDER: "Huh? Oh my god, the pressure the pressure, it's all going too fast!"

XANDER runs away.

CORDELIA: "Giles! Marry me!"

GILES: "No!"

CORDELIA (stepping closer, pleading): "Please?"

GILES: "No! Keep away from me, you crazy woman!"

GILES runs away.

FAITH: "Spike!"

SPIKE (grinning): "Faith!"

FAITH: "Marry me babe?"

SPIKE: "Actually, I was gonna pop the question myself..."

He gets on one knee and reveals a sparkly ring.

FAITH (astounded): "Really?"

SPIKE (laughing, standing up again): "NO! Jeeze girl, I've only known you five minutes! It took me ten to succumb to Dru..."

FAITH (hitting him): "You're so evil!"

SPIKE: "Yeah, your point being?"

FAITH: "It's sexy!"

She jumps into his arms and kisses him passionately. All the others stop arguing and watch, with grossed-out looks on their faces.

ANGEL: "Get a room!"

BUFFY: "Get a back seat in the cinema!"

ANGEL: "They're such exhibitionists."

BUFFY: "We'd never act like that in public!"

ANGEL: "We treat our relationship in a mature and tender fashion."

BUFFY (covering her dress up):"Hey, you're not supposed to see me in my Wedding Dress before the day!"

CUT TO: A shot of BUFFY in that ugly catsuit.

ANGEL: "My god, Buffy, that's not your dress, is it?"

BUFFY: "...maybe?"

ANGEL: "Look, I had a freaky dream a few years ago where we got married and you burst into flames. You had a really hot dress on. I mean REALLY hot. Why don't I buy you that one?"

BUFFY (simpering): "You'd do that for me?"

ANGEL: "Sure! (worried) Do dreams take Mastercard?"

BUFFY: "Hell yeah! That's how I brought my dress from 'Restless'."

She jumps into his arms and kisses him. They begin to make out.

Faith and Spike are still kissing too.

WESLEY: "Oh god, it's like being behind the bike sheds at school all over again."

GUNN: "How would you know, English?"

WESLEY: "I watched Grange Hill a lot in my teens."

WILLOW: "Excuse me, EXCUSE ME, but us girls really hate Buffy, and we want to ruin her life!"

ANGEL: "Why?"

WILLOW: "Because, uh, because..."

FAITH: "I don't remember why I was mad."

CORDELIA: "Nor do I! I just remember eating cake and going 'grr'."

ANYA: "It was that shop keeper! She poisoned us!"

DEMON (nervous, backing away): "The spell is wearing off quicker than expected..."

ALL: "SPELL? THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!"

DEMON: "D'oh, why don't I ever shut up?"

CORDELIA runs up to the DEMON and takes off her wig.

CORDELIA: "Oh my god, the shop keeper's a demon!"

WESLEY and GUNN grab the DEMON by the hands and escort it out.

BUFFY (tearful): "Why did you do it, shop keeper, why?"

DEMON: "All my Demon pals kept getting killed by you. I thought that if I killed you, I'd be revered as a hero by my peers. And I'd have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you pesky kids!"

The DEMON is escorted out.

BUFFY: "Well I'm glad that's over with, and that we're all alright! And Angel's choosing my wedding dress for me, so no more clothes shopping!"

ALL: "Hurrah!"

BUFFY (looking at her notebook): "I need some volunteers to help me choose the wedding cake..."

ALL: "Groan!"

WILLOW (looking around): "Where's Tara gone?"

*

Meanwhile...

CUT TO- A secret location in the WOLFRAM AND HART complex. A group of LAWYERS, LYNDSEY included (hubba hubba! *wolf whistle*), are chanting in front of a tree. Suddenly, a monster that looks the replica of VOCAH (from 'To Shanshu in LA') appears.

LYNDSEY: "Vocah! You've arrived!"

MOCAH: "No, my name's not Vocah! I'm Mocah! Vocah's cute but dummer younger brother!"

LILAH: "Damn, we've summoned the wrong demon. (to Mocah) Can you still perform ancient rituals to summon dead vampires from their hellish after-lifes?"

MOCAH: "Sure! I took that instead of Home Economics in school. Why?"

LYNDSEY: "Our plan is to resurrect Darla, Angel's sire, so that she can torment him and turn him evil."

MOCAH: "Why?"

LYNDSEY: "Angel has better hair than us. If he were on our side, he'd make evil look better coifed. We do have a reputation to uphold, you know."

MOCAH: "Sure I'll help you, if it's in the name of evil! Hey, is that purple and orange you're wearing? That *so* clashes, boyo. Cool!"

LYNDSEY sighs.

LILAH: "Um.there is a problem to our otherwise perfect plan. Angel's in a relationship with Buffy Summers, a vampire slayer who lives in Sunnydale. She'd get in the way."

LYNDSEY: "So we've resurrected her ex-boyfriend Riley Finn to keep her preoccupied while Darla works her magic on Angel."

MOCAH: "I'll need the scroll of Underpants before I can perform the resurrection spell."

LYNDSEY: "Ah."

MOCAH (angry): "Ah?"

LILAH: "Angel has the scroll of Underpants."

MOCAH: "Angel! I am summoned for the raising - the very thing that was to bring this creature down to us -tear him from the Powers That Be - and he - has the scroll?"

A beat.

MOCAH starts laughing.

MOCAH (cont): "God, that is funny!"

LYNDSEY: "We'll get it back from him someh-"

HOLLAND (entering): "We have a problem, Lyndsey! According to our sources, Angel is busy fighting some demon in Sunnydale at the moment. We need him to be lazing around doing nothing before we attack him and his colleagues. If he's preoccupied, he won't notice what we're doing or try to stop us!"

LYNDSEY: "D'oh!"

HOLLAND: "We'll have to put our evil plans on hold for a week."

MOCAH: "Oh well. Beep me when you're ready. Until then, keep dancin' peeps!"

MOCAH disappears.

LILAH: "Thank god that geezer's gone."

LYNDSEY (to Holland): "You know, these half-assed schemes of yours are going to be your death one day."

HOLLAND: "Shut up, Lyndsey."

LYNDSEY: "Yes sir!"

Send feedback to Adia

Back to the Fanfiction Archive