PART EIGHT

"Welcome to the Hellmouth" Buffy said as she pointed to the destroyed high school remains which contained the gateway to the demon dimension.

Angel walked across the school lawn and stared up at it, the overbearing structure hung over them, which almost made it look like it was screaming in agony. His face drained with colour, buildings couldn't do that, could they?

"You weren't kidding when you said there'd be a few more places burned to the ground" he said, marvelling at the impact this had created on him.

Only two days ago this building was standing, and now it had been ravaged like it was hit by a plague. Nothing could have prepared to him to find such a hollow, dank ruin. Nothing.

His first thought when he saw it was 'Did I do this?', but had refrained from asking outright until he had summoned the strength.

Buffy appeared behind him and grabbed his hand, for support.

"Was I to blame?" Angel asked with difficulty.

"What? No, sorry honey" Buffy quickly said, surprised. She didn't notice her Freudian slip, but Angel liked to hear her use terms of affection so didn't remind her that they weren't actually together. Despite how much they wanted to be.

"So what happened?"

"The big bad got bigger. It was the mayor, and with Faith as his assassin, they were a pretty unstoppable force. Mayor wanted to be a massive demon, did a ritual, then waited 100 days of being invincible until the demon-serum kicked in. That day was gradation day, hence the school being blown up."

"I don't get it" Angel said, walking around to get a better view.

"The Mayor was at graduation, and during his speech began to transform. The student body attacked him with fire arms and arrows, I led him into the school, trapped him there, then we blew it up."

Angel shook his head, amazed. "That sounds, wow. A real demon"

Buffy laughed. "I know, it was great except the fighting for our lives bit. You were there, it was a pretty important day. I thought maybe you'd remember if you saw the school again."

"I can't believe it. This is where we met sometimes…" Angel started

"And other stuff's happened here too" Buffy said, feeling obliged to mention it. "Like Jenny. This is where you killed her."

"Oh." Angel looked at her, then turned away, ashamed. He walked towards the entrance. Buffy called after him, asking what he was doing.

"I'm just going in for a look around" he replied.

She quickly caught up and they entered together. Th building was half collapsed and the burnt out walls looked shakier than last time, enough to even scare Buffy, but Angel was adamant that he wanted to check it out.

"Were we still going strong at graduation?" he asked, touching a wall to feel its structure.

"No"

Angel swung around, a bit too quickly in such a fragile building.

"No?" he echoed. He didn't expect that, although maybe he should have.

"We broke up. In the sewers, not the best place to let a girl down" she said, trying to make it sound light-hearted.

So here it was, final and forever. It seemed a bit ironic that Buffy had shown him the hill where they'd made up and then taken him here, when things had ended.

"How long were we together this time?" he asked sarcastically.

"Five months, maybe a bit more. And you were the one that dumped me"

"I thought you said two years" Angel said, ignoring her last sentence.

"I was talking overall, I wasn't including the times we broke up and got back together, or the time you turned evil. You want me to go that specific? I'd need a calculator"

"No, I, just expected you to tell me some happier memories first, before you told me when we broke up. You make it sound like all our relationship was was one heap of pain"

"There are happy times" Buffy said softly "Many. But we need your memory back, and it's usually the sadder things that people remember first."

"I suppose"

Buffy had a thought. "Making love wasn't sad, I showed you that, didn't I?"

Buffy felt like she was tearing apart. She loved him so much, but she couldn't stop his pain.

"This is just, so weird" Angel sighed

"I know"

"I don't think you do. My mind has exploded, and I'm trying to pick up the fragments. A few days ago, I was happy. Bloodstained, sure, but happy. And now, I'm wallowing in a deep torment, and I hate it."

"I'm sorry that you can't remember, but I do understand. I've had to tell you things I haven't even processed for myself, stuff that's still raw. And I was happy a few days ago too, I had a cool Joe-normal boyfriend and was getting to grips with my life. Then you visit and ask me to unpack my baggage." Buffy said emotionally.

"Sorry, I…"

Buffy looked him in the eye, "You say your minds exploded? I know, because I feel it too. We've been doing this remembering thing together, so I know exactly how you feel. But I wouldn't want it any other way, because despite what's happened to us over the years, as when you need me then I'll be there. Always. Helping you with your memories is difficult, but I want to."

She didn't say it angrily or bitterly, but heartfelt.

"We all have guilt" she added "but if we share ours, maybe we won't get controlled by it like you feel we should be"

Angel smiled, opened his mouth to speak, and then doubled over in pain and collapsed on the floor with a shout of orgasmic pain.

Scared, Buffy ran over to him.

He lay on the dirty ground, convulsing gently, as if he was having a bad dream. Just as suddenly, he stopped, and he sat up, shaking.

"I'm fine" he replied, rubbing his head.

She tried to help him onto his feet but he moved away before she could touch him.

"What happened?" she said, ignoring the brush off

Angel didn't reply.

"What happened?!" Buffy repeated

"…more memories…"

"Wanna talk about it?"

"It was just… a quick slide show of the events you mentioned, us making love, me turning, Drusilla, Spike…not everything, I don't remember Acathla"

He held his head again.

"But that's great" Buffy said carefully, based on his melancholy reaction and remembering how excited she was last time to just be let down "You have some memories back"

Angel walked briskly away from her, his voice raising.

"No it's not, the pain I was feeling a few minutes ago is nothing, *nothing*, to how I feel now that I can visualise it again."

"Angel…"

"I'm beginning to understand why I tried to commit suicide" he said in a whisper that Buffy only just managed to hear. She approached again.

Angel shook her off and pounded a wall in anger. He was tainted, how could she touch him? He didn't want to contaminate her with his impure life. She deserved more than him.

Debris fell down, but he didn't notice. Buffy glanced at the ceiling, wondering how safe it was to be there.

Angel leaned on the wall, and the worst memory he had regained became crystal clear all over again.

…All he could see was Jenny's face staring at him…

*Don't kill me, Angel*

…Chasing her through the school…

*This is your restoration*

…Him snapping her neck…

*I can help you*

…Dropping her to the ground…

*Why can't you fight it?*

…Dead…

Dead.

Angel awoke from his thoughts to find Buffy shaking him. He looked at her disinterested, only wanting to feel the pain he deserved, and just live for that. Nothing else mattered in comparison. Guilt. He ignored her pleas to talk, letting various memories assail his mind all at once, relishing in the way they drilled into his head. It hurt, it was good. He deserved the pain.

Zoning out on her only scared Buffy more, and she slapped him once across the cheek to get a reaction. From Angels point of view, he could barely see her, she was just a blurry figure. Finally, she disappeared out of sight completely, things began to lose focus, and he stumbled backwards, trying to work out where he was. Colours panned across his eyes, meshing together and spilling into his mind so that he couldn't see a thing at all.

Buffy's voice became distorted, then turned into a muffled sound. Distant. He felt her slap him again, but his face was numb, so didn't react to it. His only real pain came from the inside.

He stepped backwards, reaching his hands out so he could work out where he was by feeling the walls. He had to get out- he couldn't breathe. Then, a high pitched noise began in his head, all around, screaming and shouting and pleading for help. The noise tripled, then multiplied. Not human, not demon, but pure noise.

There were too many sounds, he couldn't cope. He shouted for it to stop, weaving his arms around his body to protect himself.

"I WANT TO DIE!" He screamed to the noise. This seemed to satisfy it, as it immediately stopped, leaving a chilling silence behind laughing.

And with that, he fell unconscious.

*

Angel woke up outside the school, lying on the grass. He groaned, what had happened to him? He was suddenly aware of some pressure on top of his body. He managed to focus on Buffy, who was lying on him with an abashed smile on her face.

"Are you better now?" Buffy asked gently, embarrassment in her voice.

"Uh, what are you doing?" Angel asked. He was enjoying the sensation but they'd agreed on no sexual contact, which was exactly what lying on his body was in his book.

"I had to get you outside, the building- and you- became unstable, and I had a bit of a problem carrying you over here, so kind of, fell on you by mistake."

Angel just groaned again and closed his eyes.

"I've never panicked like that before" he said in a vulnerable voice. "It got too much…"

"You panicked me too" Buffy replied. "How are you now?"

"Good, I think, I feel tired though."

"I'll take you to the mansion, that's where we're going next anyway"

Buffy figured that Angel was unconsciously rebelling against remembering. He wanted to protect himself, but it was just making him weaker. He was so confused, this was another hell. All those memories packed in a short second, it would have devastated him, no wonder he freaked like he did. It was probably like when he was cursed by gypsies, a moment of blissful unawareness, and the next? Everything returning to his mind.

With Angel's kind of history, that would have been worse than medieval torture.

"But you've already told me what happened there, Acathla" Angel said, warily, interrupting Buffy's thoughts.

"Something else happened too, before the school was blown up."

"You could have showed me this morning"

"I figured that seeing as you're not going to like it, you'd want it last on our tour."

"Don't worry, nothings going to top what I've just been through" Angel said defiantly

But deep down, Angel understood that by the best till last, she meant that best was worst.

Buffy rolled off of him, and they laid on the lawn for a while, staring at the stars.

"Do you remember anything else?" Buffy asked timidly, hoping he had so they could stop with the memory game.

They glanced at each other, inhaling the surreal night.

"Yeah, but it's all jumbled, like a puzzle. There's things in between that is missing. I think…I think I remember hell" Angel said, feeling dirty throughout. Hell was so much worse than people thought it was. For him, anyway.

"You don't have to tell me about that, you never did when you returned" Buffy looked back to the stars, and Angel followed suit.

Angel was thankful for that small mercy, but remembering torturing Giles, being run through with a sword and pretending to be Angelus to trick Faith kind of dispelled any positive emotion he was feeling. Now he just wanted to regain all his memory and go home, wherever home was.

LA.

It sounded cold, anywhere without Buffy sounded cold. She said that he broke up with her, and knowing what he knew now about their entire history, he could understand why. He had hurt her so much that he couldn't even comprehend why she still loved him, and was scared that she'd realise that one day too. He didn't want her to feel obliged to be with him.

He was a vampire who was destined to live forever, what sort of life could he give her?

Angel remembered that phrase, and after searching his mind, finally put a face to it- the Mayor. So this was the man who turned demon. He couldn't remember what happened on graduation day, but he figured that the memory would return sooner or later. They all were, gradually.

"Do you remember LA?" Buffy asked. She had assumed he hadn't thought about it yet.

"No…except…" Something touched the base of his mind, and Angel tried to work out what it was.

"What?"

Finally, an image flashed through Angels mind. One that shocked him into silence, one that made him smile. He turned to face Buffy.

"I was human, I never knew that" he grinned.

Buffy sat up and stared at him. "I'll take an R for Repeat please, Angel"

"I remember" Angel continued, excited. This memory made him feel better to even think about it, lifting his spirits high. "You came to visit me and we killed a demon which made me human and we made love all day in some strange apartment…"

He stopped as he had another image flash through his mind, and inhaled sharply. He hadn't the chance to think about becoming a vampire again, so when he remembered what happened, he didn't feel grief about finding out he'd given up being human. But he did feel grief about discovering he never told Buffy he was going to do that. He turned back time. She didn't know. How could he do that to her?

The metaphorical penny dropped to the ground with a crash.

He'd inadvertently just told her something she was never meant to know.

"It must have been some dream" Buffy said, noticing his fear. But she knew him enough to know it was true. "It wasn't a dream, was it?"

"No.." Angel admitted "It was real. I.. killed a demon which made me human. You were with me, I guess in my Los Angeles home. I was weak, they threatened your life, so I turned back time 24 hours, killed the demon before it could regenerate, and in doing so lost my humanity. And only I remembered it. You forgot, because to you it never happened.

Buffy looked into his eyes expecting to feel anger, but somehow she became detached to this news. It couldn't touch her if she didn't think about it.

"Lets get going" she said, standing up.

This left Angel in more confusion. If she'd screamed 'what?' or 'how dare you?', he could have handled it, but this repression…he didn't know where he was with her.

"But what about my confession?"

Buffy faced him and took a deep breath.

"I don't remember, I'll never remember, so there's no point in me reacting. You what, want me to cry? Angel, I've cried so often about you that I could run my own swimming pool with the tears. I don't want to add to them with something that never was."

He saw a wet glint in her eye and stood up too. He itched to touch her, but was too scared. That despite her calm tone, she'd reject him if he tried. He hated confusion and it didn't help that he was completely devoid of any energy whatsoever. He wanted to sleep so much.

He took a chance, and dried her eyes with his hand. She didn't flinch, but gazed at him tenderly.

He didn't expect tenderness after what he'd just said.

"I don't get you" he mumbled

"Don't you see?" she whispered "This is something else that's happened to us. After all we've been through, can you really say that we weren't meant to be? We've survived so much, been through so much for them to pull us apart"

"I can say it easily" Angel replied, broken voiced "Because it feels like fate is trying to keep us apart."

He stroked her hair guiltily. Sadly.

Buffy tiredly pushed his hand away. "I don't want your pity Angel, I want your love"

"You'll always have that"

"But without you, it's lonely" Buffy said sincerely

This tweaked something in Angels mind. "Reminds me of something that demon said"

"What demon?"

"The lost day…'Alone you're weak, together you're strong'… something like that, everything's still hazy. I don't even know how I got to LA"

"You might have driven. You have a car"

"I didn't even know I could drive" he said, wondering what else there was about himself that he didn't remember.

"Guess we'd better go to the mansion" Buffy said gently. "Your memory's nearly returned, so I doubt you'll need to stay in Sunnydale much longer."

"I guess…"

"I mean, there's no reason to stay…"

Angel didn't react, so Buffy grudgingly gave up and continued talking.

"I'll show you one more thing that happened between us, then you'd better rest for a while until Cordy takes you back to LA. She knows what happened there after you left better than I do. You could be back in your reputed apartment by dawn"

They began walking, tired, upset and irritable. But not at each other. That night had been revealing for Angel, but for Buffy too. She was going to have a lot to think about when he left with Cordy, maybe she could try hypnosis on herself to find out what happened that day. Buffy didn't want to ask him, she wanted to find out by herself. She remembered coming to LA, then leaving again, full stop. She remembered Angel killing that demon without breaking sweat, how shocked she was by his intuitiveness. It all made sense now, she'd lost an entire day. Of Angel. Of them.

She was beginning to agree with Angel on the 'Screw Destiny' offensive, it was definitely off *her* Christmas list.

They quietly walked towards the mansion, a heavy song in both their hearts.

Go to Part 9