Disclaimer- Don't own anything
Timeline- Alternate future
Rating: R'ish? I'm never good at working it out
Spoilers: Yes, but no references to Season Five. Only similarity is Dracula being present
Feedback: Unless it's negative, please email me
Authors note 1: Ok, I began writing this last week but finished it today. It is a silly-fic, nowt else- I felt like letting loose for a laugh, really (although I guarantee it's not funny!). Based on the fact that Dracula is on the show (tonight! Yay- or not seeing as I'm British so won't get to see it for a while), it's my weird view on how they should have met. I've written it like it's an actual TV episode, stage directions and all. I felt like writing a silly-fic, so please don't say its rubbish as I already know! I'm not insulting anyone or thing in this fic, but am making everybody crazed to make them act more wacky, ie Giles. Oh and no offence to Anne Rice fans- I just mention her 'cos I've read many fanfics over the years where Spike say he doesn't like her, so thought I'd use it myself.
2:Just for my sanity's sake, Angels soul is permanent and to the characters it's already common knowledge by now Ooh and there's Riley bashing within too!
3: PS I don't know how to spell Transalvanyia so I'm guessing

Fade in.

Buffy is in her room, talking to someone but we can't see who

BUFFY- I am running out of work in Sunnydale. The monsters are too scared of me to come here anymore now that I have killed the Master, saved the world from falling into hell, killed the Mayor, destroyed Adam."

The camera pulls back to show that Buffy is talking to her mirror

BUFFY- ".saved all the people in the world from being burnt to death, saved the world from being attacked by the hellmouth creatures, killed zillions of vampires, fought and won fights against Faith, maimed various demons of various origin and basically put a big 'Go away' sign on Sunnydales' welcome sign. Only an idiot would come back here-"

SPIKE enters

BUFFY- "-And I stand by that theory."

She quickly turns away from the mirror and feigns innocence from talking to herself, but Spike doesn't seem to have noticed

BUFFY- "Spike, what are you doing? In my house?"

He collapses on the bed and sighs deeply

SPIKE- "I'm so bor-ed! Nothing happens round here anymore, everyone's too bloody scared to try and slit your throat so they avoid this place like the plague."

BUFFY- "I'm agreeing with you. Shame you have a chip in your head, we could have set up a fight for next week or something"

SPIKE- (brightened) "Now that you mention it, I've found some bloke willing to conduct an operation to get it out of my skull. I just don't have the money, maybe you could fund it for me? We could have that showdown. Think about the opportunities."

BUFFY- ".The sad thing is I'm actually tempted. But.my good-guy morals tell me 'it's wrong', so I'm afraid I'll decline you're offer"

SPIKE- "Ah, go on. Come to the dark side, we'd have fun."

BUFFY- "Well..ach- No! You're bored, I'm bored, now we're talking like friends.(shivers) You know what, you could help me out. I've got this great idea for a holiday away for the gang, maybe you'd like to come?"

SPIKE- "You paying?"

BUFFY- "No, I was hoping Giles was going to"

SPIKE- "How 'you gonna do that?"

Focus on Buffy's determined face, then fade into Gile's apartment

BUFFY- "So basically, I haven't had a good demon kill in ages. They're too afraid to come here, I'm far too established. I'm sick of waiting for something to happen and it's been years since I've had a good holiday"

GILES- "What are you trying to say, Buffy?"

BUFFY- "I-"

SPIKE- "What she's trying to say is she wants you're dosh so we can all spend a fortnight getting to know each other, get away from Sunnyhell and just have a laugh, really. With no biting."

GILES- (to BUFFY) "What's *he* trying to say?"

BUFFY- "I wanna go on holiday with you, Willow, everybody. Here."

She puts a map on the table. Giles peers over it and finds the word 'Transalvania' underlined. GILES gasps

GILES- "Not a good place to relax. That's where the evillest vampire in history lives"

BUFFY- "What, Dracula? Psht, scary story, popular movie, interesting scenery. He doesn't exist Giles. Like the Loch Ness monster"

GILES shakes his fist in the air and shouts angrily

GILES- "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

BUFFY- "Woah, over-reaction! What was that for?"

GILES- "Dracula is the ultimate, no-one can beat him"

SPIKE- "Your pins stuck, mate. I'm a vampire and from an insiders point of view, he doesn't exist."

GILES- "He does! He lives in a castle, all alone."

SPIKE- "Did you get that from your seriously exaggerated watcher journals?"

GILES- "I.uh.well no. Not directly. But he does exist! And I'll prove it"

BUFFY- "So you're gonna fund the trip for us?"

GILES nods eagerly.

His words - "And I'll prove the vampire exists"- echoes over the scene change.

Cut to an eery airport with the words 'Transalvania welcomes you' hanging on a notice board. Buffy steps out of the plane into the muddy night, followed by an unusually tense scooby gang- Xander, Anya, Tara, Willow, Riley and Giles.

WILLOW- "Let's go!"

ANYA- "Wait, we have to get Spike out of the cargo hold"

They all turn to see Spike groggily walking towards them holding a beer bottle, followed by Angel, Wesley and Cordelia

BUFFY- "ANGEL!"

ANGEL- "BUFFY! What are you doing here?"

SPIKE drunkenly murmers to himself and pushes past them

BUFFY- "What am *I* doing here?! What are you doing here?"

ANGEL- "It's a long story. What about you?"

BUFFY- "The same"

CORDELIA- "I have a feeling this'll go on for a while. While they stare and brood at each other, I'll fill the rest of you in"

She walks away, followed by Wesley carrying a couple of suitcases, and the rest of the gang

RILEY- "Stare? Brood? I'm hanging around."

He gets dragged away too

BUFFY- "So."

ANGEL- "So. (shrugs) We were bored. Thought maybe we deserved a vacation. Thought it'd be a laugh to go to Transalvania. We couldn't afford tickets so hid in the cargo hold. Cordelia shouted obscenities at me the whole way. Is Spike supposed to be with you? He was unconscious most of the flight, I don't think he realised we were with him"

BUFFY- "Yeah, he took on a few Jack Daniels. I'm here for the same reason- a break, I mean"

ANGEL- "wow, of all the coincidences"

They slowly turn and follow the others on the long trek to the motel.

*

Cut to: The motel.

The motel is old and run down, with a sign on the front saying 'No Vacancies'

MOTEL OWNER- "I SAID NO VACANCIES!"

She slams the door shut

WILLOW- "Uh, Buffy? Didn't you book?"

BUFFY- "Don't blame me, I was idea girl, it's Giles fault. He was paying for everything"

GILES- "My fault?!"

ANGEL- "Look, we forgot to book too, so I suggest we start walking until we find a place to stay."

RILEY- "That's a stupid plan, we could be walking all night"

ANGEL puts one fist up near RILEY'S face

ANGEL- "You don't like my plan?"

RILEY- "No, it's the worst I've heard"

ANGEL raises his fist to hit him, but is held back by BUFFY. She points at XANDER and RILEY at the same time

BUFFY- "God, don't you get on with any of my male friends?"

SPIKE- "Not really one of the lads, are you Angelus?"

ANGEL growls

XANDER- "Call him 'deadboy', that hurts him worse"

ANGEL mutters something under his breath. BUFFY hears it and smirks to herself, but becomes guilty when Xander and Riley look at her.

SPIKE- "So do we walk or listen to the dork?" (pointing at RILEY)

A show of hands finds ANGELS plan is agreed, and they begin walking. Suddenly, a burst of rain and thunder claps in the sky.

BUFFY- (sighing) "I'm beginning to wish I chose Vegas"

*

Camera pulls back on the gang standing outside a large mansion, drenched. CORDY'S face is covered in Mascara, SPIKE protectively covers his own hair

TARA- "So we knock?"

GILES- "NO!"

BUFFY- "Huh? Did I miss something?"

GILES- "This is where the evil Count Dracula lives. Don't you see? The gothic weather, the gothic mansion, the gothic gargoyles"

BUFFY and SPIKE roll their eyes

ANGEL- "Hey! What's wrong with mansions?"

GILES- "Nothing, its just the kind of place you find evil vampires, that's all"

SPIKE- "Not on my wage packet"

CORDY- "Whatever. My feet are wet."

She hits the door-knock a couple of times. They echo and after a few minutes, the Scooby gang give up and turn away dejected.

Suddenly, the door creaks open to reveal a dusty butler.

BUTLER- "Yes?"

XANDER- "We're thinking of asking you if we can stay the night, but am a teensy bit worried that you work for a blood-sucking vamp called Drac-"

XANDER's mouth is covered by GILE'S hand

GILES- "But we know that's not true so we're going on our way. Heh-heh. Goodbye"

GILES turns to go, but is held back by a few of the others

BUTLER- "Are you looking for a motel?"

ALL- "YES!"

BUTLER- "What luck then, we are a small family business who've recently become a motel. Would you like rooms?"

ALL EXCEPT GILES- "YES!"

GILES- "NO!"

BUTLER- "Come in, then, young ones"

He opens the door so they can all enter. They huddle in the foyer

WESLEY- "So, uh, when did you become a motel?"

BUTLER- "Just a few hours ago.I'll get the master"

BUTLER walks away before WESLEY can react. Nobody else heard.

They all look around at the pictures, ornaments and items around the room.

CORDY- "Look- there's a mirror. Hence, the master is some ordinary guy"

GILES- "With coffins displayed on one side of the room?"

BUFFY- "Stop freaking. Obviously they're cashing in on the Drac vibe."

ANGEL- "Exactly"

BUFFY stares thankfully at ANGEL for a moment

RILEY- "Exactly"

No-one reacts to his statement

DRACULA enters. Traditional looks, dark hair, pale skin, overbearing presence etc.

DRACULA- "Hello, dinn.lighted to meet you. My names Dr-"

GILES- "Dracula!"

DRACULA- "Yes, bwaahaha"

ANYA- "Nice hysteric laugh, you must get good business"

DRACULA- "Enough to eat on"

BUFFY- "Cool angle. We can play along, right everyone?"

WESLEY- "Certainly, a little role-play livens up the dreariest of occasions"

GILES- (to SPIKE) "It's Dracula! Look, he isn't reflected in the mirror"

SPIKE- "OK, mate. I'll say it once more- You're barking up the wrong tree. I'd be able to tell if he was a vampire- watch"

He gets DRACULA'S attention

SPIKE- "Oy, Drac. You like garlic?"

DRACULA- "yes"

SPIKE- "Sunbathe a lot?"

DRACULA- "When I get the chance"

SPIKE- "Read Anne Rice?"

DRACULA- "Oh yes, she is the epitome of vampire characterisation"

SPIKE- "See? Satisfied?"

GILES looks at DRACULA, who is staring at him anyway. GILES shrieks

DRACULA- "I'll show you to your rooms."

He indicates to GILES

BUFFY pushes him slightly, and GILES takes a baseball bat slyly from his bag, puts it behind his back and follows DRACULA at a safe distance.

GILES- "Buffy, we have to stop Dracula! If I strangely disappear tonight, I'm either dead or hiding. But I won't leave without you"

The two men leave

BUFFY- "I'm beginning to think maybe I shouldn't have invited him"

*

Cut to a dinner room. Everyone is seated around a large table

XANDER whistles to try and make the silence go away

XANDER- "I'm sensing an atmosphere

ANYA- "Well are you surprised? Giles has gone do-lally thinking that Dracula is real, Buffy's ex lover is here at the same time as her old one and its no little known fact that the two men don't get along. You don't get on with Wesley or Angel, and then there's the fact that you're ex is here who you two-timed with Willow behind her back, bringing me here to wish revenge on you but that backfired and despite you being the reason I lost my powers, I'm the one dating you at this point in time. There's a lot of negative emotion around this table. I'd say there's an atmosphere"

She turns around to find nearly everyone glaring at her

TARA- "I didn't know that, but at least I'm clued in on your history, now"

ANYA- "Did I do something wrong?"

CORDELIA- "And I thought I was the one who disliked tact"

ENTER: DRACULA

DRACULA- "I hope you enjoyed your meal, it was cooked with you in mind"

GILES (whispering)- "I'm cracking. Say one more thing and I'm cracking."

ANGEL- "It was great, thank-you"

DRACULA- "You didn't eat anything

ANGEL- "I. don't eat much"

RILEY- "Or do much."

DRACULA- "Well, enjoy your stay. Breakfast is at 8AM"

EXITS

WESLEY- "I never noticed it before, but there are a lot of curtains in this room"

BUFFY- "It's a cold house, maybe the drapes warm it up"

CORDELIA- "Could he be? Dracula, I mean. Maybe Giles is right"

They all stare at GILES, who is stabbing his fork into his meal like he is holding a stake

BUFFY- "If we follow his advice, then we also fall under the crazed category-"

RILEY- "Buffy, you wanna, you know, go up now?"

He indicates to the ceiling. BUFFY glances at ANGEL, guilty as if she was breaking a rule. Her ex boyfriend looks away.

ANGEL- "Spike, I'm going for a walk. Wanna come?"

SPIKE- "You and me?"

ANGEL- "Yes"

SPIKE- "Walking?"

ANGEL- "Yes!"

SPIKE- "Um, ok. It's been a while. A century. Like old times except for the killing and maiming"

XANDER- "You two still have stuff in common, though. Like how you can't bite people"

ANGEL- "At least I'm not the only reformed vamp around, maybe we could start a movement"

SPIKE sighs

The two vampires EXIT

*

Cut to- BUFFY and RILEY's room, sitting on a bed.

BUFFY- "Riley, I, I'm not in the mood"

RILEY- "You're thinking about dead-boy, aren't you? God, I'm you're boyfriend Buff, not him"

BUFFY- "I never thought I'd be with anyone but him, you know. And seeing him, it reminds me"

RILEY- "woah, too much sharing for your sensitive boyfriend"

BUFFY- "I'm just being truthful, I'm still finding it hard to adjust"

RILEY- "Listen - You're my lover, get over it. He's out of your life"

BUFFY is shocked. She stands up and walks a few steps away

BUFFY- "You have a point, but it's not that easy"

RILEY- (muttering) "Well, *you* usually are"

BUFFY reacts. She opens the door with a jolt, grabs him by the arm and brutally flips him over her shoulder into the passage with a crack. He moans and mutters something about his back being broken.

BUFFY- "And you know what, Riley? I'd have to be to be going out with you"

She slams the door shut, climbs out the window and goes out into the local area, hugging herself like heroines do in the movie when there's a lot to think about

RILEY bangs on the door

RILEY- "Let me in!"

ENTER: DRACULA with eerie music accompanying him

DRACULA- "Boy"

RILEY- "Oh hi, I , uh Riley"

DRACULA- "I have something to show you, about the vampire"

RILEY- "Angel?"

DRACULA- "Follow me"

They silently walk for what seems like hours, DRACULA leading the way down cobbled steps using a fire torch. He leads RILEY into a dimly lit room. DRACULA locks the door behind him, his back to RILEY

RILEY- "Its sure cold in here"

DRACULA- "When I suck your blood, it'll be colder"

RILEY- "What?"

DRACULA turns around to reveal two pointy sharp teeth and gleaming eyes. RILEY screams and shrieks

DRACULA throttles him. He thrusts him against a brick wall, leans in towards the neck and bites into RILEYS flesh. RILEY screams again, in agony and downright pain. Gradually his scream subsides, as his life with it goes also.

DRACULA ejects his teeth and stands back, letting the corpse drop to the floor.

He hums a tune to himself, turns away and wipes his mouth. He accidentally wipes the blood across his face, as he hasn't got a mirror to see himself in.

Manic laughter echoes throughout the halls

*

Fade onto a misty hill. ANGEL is standing alone, SPIKE is nowhere in sight.

Enter: BUFFY

BUFFY- "Angel, hey"

ANGEL- "What are you doing here? I thought you were. spending time with your boyfriend"

BUFFY- "It was a big mistake coming here. there's enough angst around to drown in, Giles has gone wacky and I'm with two of my ex boyfriends. The only people that look happy are Willow and Tara"

ANGEL- "What did you say?"

BUFFY- "About Willow and Tara?"

ANGEL- "No, about two ex's"

BUFFY- "Riley's a jerk."

ANGEL- "I'm not disagreeing with you"

BUFFY- "God knows what I was thinking being with him, he's not my type at all"

ANGEL moves closer to her, and husks his voice

ANGEL- "What is your type?"

BUFFY- "People who set my world on fire. Men that know me deeper than I know myself. Men. Men that don't need to look in mirrors every few seconds, who prefer talking in the moonlight when we're alone together, men that save my life and genuinely care when something bad is happening. Men that say really philosophical things and who had impeccable dress sense. Men that can't literally take me into the light, but because of their honest, vulnerable soul, take me there anyway. People like you, Angel"

They kiss passionately, as their piece of music- 'Close your eyes'- begins. The camera zooms out and shows the two figures kissing in context to the massive greenery, then zooms back in when they finally stop, as the song crescendos and finishes

Suddenly, they notice how the sky is getting lighter

ANGEL- "We'd better get back in"

BUFFY- "Just like old times! Can I move my stuff into your room?"

ANGEL- "I was praying you'd say that. Woah, this'll be a close call. Spike left ages ago"

They walk back to the mansion.

CUT TO- The sun rising

CUT TO- ANGEL and BUFFY excitedly opening his room door and bounding in

CUT TO - The sun rising

CUT TO- The door shutting on the room before the camera can follow them

CUT TO- The sunny sky

*

CUT TO- Breakfast!

GILES is considerably pale, like he's been up all night. Hair un-brushed, shirt not properly buttoned etc etc

On the other hand, everybody else looked fine

WILLOW- "Uh, Giles? You OK?"

GILES- "Where's Buffy? And Riley? And Angel? Where are they?"

XANDER- "I'm letting a potential bad joke slide, here you guys"

ANYA- "Giles looks disturbed, maybe we should test to see if he's crazy or not"

TARA- "I'd say he's passed"

ANYA- "No, you know. Those tests. On the internet?! You tick boxes and it tells you how crazy you are. Hey, I'm making sense here. I'm only 17% mad. Giles is the one to keep an eye on"

SPIKE- "Yep, he's a total wack-job"

WESLEY- "I have to say to his defence, it is strange that Angel, Buffy and Roly aren't here yet. They're not exactly three people I see sitting down for a chat"

CORDELIA- "If that happened, Riley would be without a rib-cage by now"

GILES- "It's Dracula, I tell you. He's trapped them somewhere because they discovered the truth. I should know, I followed him last night and he turned into a bat"

ALL- "Uh-huh"

ENTER- BUFFY and ANGEL, canoodling. Everybody's surprised, but GILES doesn't notice the touching.

GILES- "Buffy! Oh fantastic, you're alive! You'd better prepare for your fight, Don't eat this food, its probably drugged. Well, I'm going to my room to prepare for the final confrontation when he attacks us. I only hope we'll survive"

He sighs and exits.

WILLOW- "So what's with the kissing?!"

BUFFY- "We just had a little reunion last night"

ANGEL- "Long overdue, we made up for it though"

XADNER- "Uh, guys? Potentially dangerous ex watcher on the loose? He might attack fake-Drac or something

BUFFY- "On it. You wanna come, honey?"

ANGEL- "I'd like that"

They exit after GILES

XANDER- "Honey?! Urgh."

ANYA- "I like it, it's affectionate. I want a sex-partner name"

XANDER- "Lets not lose focus.Where's Riley?"

Silence.

*

CUT TO The room formally known as 'BUFFY and RILEYS'

WILLOW- "Oh no, he hasn't left. His stuff is still here"

TARA- "Maybe he's sulking"

WILLOW- "Its sure dark in this room"

She goes to pull back a massive drape covering the window

OS: DRACULA- "Don't do that"

WILLOW- "Huh?"

They turn around and come face to face with a bat, which transmogrifies into DRACULA, who laughs maniacally

TARA- "What in the-"

DRACULA- "'Tis I, Dracula. The evil one. I killed your little friend, and now I will kill the rest of you, bwaahahaha!"

WILLOW- "Quick, the door!"

They race out the door and start trying to find their way around the mansion calling for BUFFY, but get lost down a dead-end. They resignedly face DRACULA again

WILLOW- "Diana, goddess of-"

DRACULA- "Spells won't help in this house, I've had magic bound away"

TARA- "I should have realised."

WILLOW- "Now is not the time to chide ourselves, impending death coming our way"

DRACULA- "Bwaahahaha"

Suddenly, he is thrown across the passage towards the women, revealing an angry Slayer standing behind him

BUFFY- "Find the others, get them out"

WILLOW and TARA- "OK"

They EXIT

DRACULA- "Such power, I never knew"

BUFFY- "Ditto, guess we're both chumps today."

DRACULA- "Let me introduce myself, I'm Dracula"

BUFFY- "Pleased to meet you, I'm the resident Slayer on tour"

DRACULA- "But you- you're a vampires whore. I saw you on the hills"

BUFFY- "Don't say that about my lover-"

ANGEL enters and kicks some DRACULA ass

BUFFY- "He might get angry"

Big punch up scene. BUFFY slams into DRAC with ANGEL on her side helping. The scene ends with DRACULA lying disorientated on the floor moaning.

DRACULA- "I got one of you, though.He tasted sweet"

BUFFY- "What? Who?

DRACULA- "That kid, Riley."

ANGEL- "Oh."

GILES bounds in, savage-like with roaring shouts and his hair still uncombed. He brandishes a massive stake and attacks DRACULA, stabbing him through the heart before the age old vamp can draw breath. Dust goes everywhere and a long cry is heard.

GILES- "Yes!"

He falls back, content. His demeanour turns back into the GILES we all know and love

ANGEL- "Giles!"

BUFFY- "What did you do that for?"

ANGEL- "We were going to let him go"

GILES- "But.what?"

BUFFY- "He killed Riley. I think that's something we can all be grateful for"

Shot of GILES looking sheepish

GILES- "Oh, sorry. I just wanted the glory of killing the evillest vamp-"

Shot of ANGEL

GILES- "currently in business."

BUFFY and ANGEL shrug, then kiss

GILES- "Hey- wasn't Riley your boyfriend? Have I missed something?"

FadeOut

EPILOGUE SCENE

Cut to- The cargo hold-

BUFFY and ANGEL kissing.

And kissing.

And kissing.

END! (Roll credits)

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