DISCLAIMER: They all belong to Joss
DISTRIBUTION: My site Wtss. If you have anything of mine, feel free, if not please ask!
SUMMARY: AU – Buffy writes Angel a letter, one she never wants him to read. What happens when Angel stumbles upon the letter?
DEDICATION: To Doc, Happy Birthday Sweetie, here’s your birthday fic… it’s a little early, but meh, it’s either now or 5 months too late. Love you hunny and I hope you have an awesome birthday! *hugs and kisses*
FEEDBACK: I would love some, so please

Dear Angel,

Since lunch today I haven't been able to get what you said off my mind. That thing about me drifting. Yeah well I know that I do it a lot, and no it's not because Darla was there and the fact that I don't like her. I mean I don't, and I also don't particularly think that she deserves you. But hey, that's a whole other story, and besides who am I to tell you what's best?

Oh that's right; I'm your best friend.

So since I have the honor of carrying that title, do I get all the privileges that go with it as well? Like telling you what's good for you and what's not? Ah what do I care, I'll tell you anyway. I mean honestly Angel; you have a right to know what she's really all about. But would it be enough for you to leave her? Would you then turn to me? Could I be more than just the best friend?

Maybe, maybe not... I doubt it.

Regardless, she's not the right girl for you, really Angel, come on. That hair, that make up, the pathetic way she whines your name, and the fact that she flirts with every thing that walks by.

Oh look, just don't get me started; she just makes me so damn mad!

But Darla aside, I just want you to know that whenever I'm around you, and doing the whole drifty thing, you're still right there, in my thoughts.

I hate this, and you know what makes it all so much harder? It's that everyday you're right there, sitting next to me, and I watch you. I know I'm not meant to but I can't help it. We're friends... I know that's all we're meant to be, I know that whatever this is, growing inside of me, something that I thought was only friendship, well I know it can't go anywhere. Yet still I torture myself with what ifs, and maybes. But no, things don't go that way, not with us, they never will, I know that. Really I'm not stupid.

But still this is what I do.

Everyone has an idea of how I really feel, but I keep denying it, and telling them it's only the beautiful friendship we have that I want. I lie Angel, I want more, I want to be with you, I want to make you smile, and laugh. I want to hold you when you're sad, and be able to kiss you solely because you're mine.

Why is it that that's so hard to tell you? Why are you letting her hurt you over and over again when I could make you so happy? Maybe it's because she's the one, and you love her.

Wait... Do you love her?

I'm hoping the answers no. I mean you've never said it before, not to me anyway. But if you do, don't you think that if you just gave us a chance, well that I could prove you wrong? That you could love me more?

I know that she claims to know you like no other, and that she thinks she reads you like a book, but I know you better. You have to agree that no one will ever truly understand you and the way your mind works like I do.

I know that when you smile your whole face lights up. When you're angry, it's so clear within your dark eyes, when you’re sad you just need to be alone, and work it out, unless I'm around... you always let me in.

You wear blue jeans and a wife beater like no other. You always have to have your hair styled just right, spiked, but without using too much product. You love poetry, real poetry. You love lattes and drink way too much of them... You adore Kung fu movies, something we have in common. You go for long walks in the rain, I remember that night it was pouring out and you pelted stones at my window till I came down to join you. That was the same night that you told me that there weren't enough people out there that appreciated a good storm like we do... We.

That will always stand out to me.

I could go on, and say how your favorite food is lasagna. Your favorite drink is Pepsi. You hate to admit it but you hum the song Mandy all the time. Your favorite cd is Evanescence. Scent would have to be vanilla, and you always say I smell beautiful. But anyway, I don't need to do this, in fact I can't, because it's getting me nowhere, all it will ever do is make me fall deeper and deeper in love with...

Oh my god, I'm in love with you...

I can't, this is just me punishing and reminding myself of what it is I can't and never will be able to have. I have to settle for being your best friend. For seeing you in class, meeting you for lunch, and hanging with you at the Bronze as we talk about how long I actually spent sleeping through pyshc.

So that's it then, I guess that's what I'll have to do. I'll write this down as my way of getting it out, and never show you, I'll keep it locked away, so deep within myself that no one will ever see that you mean the world to me.

I love you Angel, but you'll never see that.

Always,
Buffy

**********

Buffy quickly folded the paper in half and scribbled his name across it, then placed it on top of her opened diary. She'd never pass it on, there was so way on earth that she could ever bring herself to. The sole purpose of it was to help her deal with the fact that she hated that he was with Darla, and that she had to witness them kissing the entire lunch hour.

Besides, say she did pass it on, and he was to read it only not to return her feelings. What if he never wanted to speak to her again due to the fact that things had just become so damn awkward?

No, Angel could never know, their friendship was the best thing in her life and not something she would ever want to go without.

Sighing she glanced over at the clock only to find that she was running late, and that Angel would be there soon as they were heading out to catch a movie. It was funny how he always spent all his time with her. Darla only ever seemed to be on his arm, on a Friday or Saturday night, and even though Buffy hated that, she loved that she got Angel all to herself the rest of the time.

Standing up she quickly stretched her tired bones before heading for the shower. At one point she had wanted to cancel their plans for the night, stay in her room and finish an entire bucket of cookie dough fudge mint chip, while watching old Kung fu movies. After a day spent watching Angel kiss Darla, it was like a reward. But spending the evening with him was so much better.

Closing the door to the bathroom behind her in the apartment that she shared with her close friend Willow, Buffy decided she'd do the last of her crying in a nice warm shower before meeting up with him.

She could do this, after all Angel was a wonderful friend, and to lose that friendship over her unrequited love would just be stupid.

**********

“Buffy are you ready, or are you still in the...” He paused and smiled as he heard the water in the bathroom running. “Shower.” He finished, he knew her so well.

Closing the door he'd just burst threw; Angel then walked into the kitchen and over to the fridge only to pull out a bottle of Pepsi before sitting himself down on the couch. Taking a quick gulp as he searched for the remote to her television, Angel's eyes caught sight of something, a something that had his name scribbled across it.

Reaching over, he picked up the piece of paper, realizing she had left him a note that most likely said something along the lines of ‘I'll be ten minutes’ So he opened it, unaware of how much such a simple act was about to change their friendship forever.

At first he wasn't sure of what he was actually reading, or if it was in fact addressed to him, he could have just imagined it. As his eyes scanned each line, taking in every word right up until ‘I love you Angel, but you'll never see that.’ The bottle of soft drink he'd been holding slipped, and fell, spilling over her lounge room floor.

How? How could this be, Buffy in love with him... Buffy...

Just then as he started to re read the letter the water in the bathroom was shut off and he could hear Buffy humming. Angel recognized the song immediately “Mandy...” He whispered, realizing for the first time just how well the small blonde knew him, and for that matter was just like him.

Whenever something happened, she knew, in fact she was the first person he ran too. Every time there was some new exciting band playing at the Bronze he'd ask Buffy to go with him, their taste being so similar. They always met for lunch, it was only on occasion that Darla would tag along, in fact the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he just loved being around her.

Every minute they spent together kept the smile on his face, every time he was mad, she was there to calm him down, when he was sad, she would dull away the pain. When ever he could remember being happy, it wasn't so much because of Darla, it was because that's what Buffy did to him. She made him feel alive.

She was definitely beautiful, that was a given, funny to the point that he was always crying from laughter due to the things she would say. Loving, caring, gentle, and just someone he couldn't imagine not being around for even a day.

Slowly he started to understand why she felt the way she did, because in the end he was in fact...

He didn't even get a chance to process the thought, as Buffy emerged from the bathroom wearing nothing but a white towel.

Angel quickly jumped to his feet, almost slipping on the discarded Pepsi bottle. His eyes trailing over her petite frame a he did. Had he never noticed how sexy she was before today... was he blind? The way that soft cotton clung to her every curve, the way her blonde locks were piled up into a loose bun on the top of her head, and her skin, golden and without even touching it, he knew that it would be as smooth as silk.

Buffy smiled when she realized he was already there waiting for her, then suddenly remembering she was in fact half naked., she gripped the towel as she made one step towards the bedroom before noticing the paper within his hand. The blonde paused then, and turned back towards him. No this couldn't be, he couldn't have read it. Not that of all things.

Her heart seemed to be beating at a thousand miles per hour, and she seriously felt as though she was about to explode, or through up, or both. “Please tell me you didn't just read that.” She knew he had, and had no explanation at all for why she had even asked, but there was nothing else that seemed to come to mind.

Not knowing what to say, or how to even react to the new found information, Angel did something that he knew he would regret. He simply turned around, and went straight threw the front door to her apartment.

*********

The moment the door closed behind him Buffy fell to her knees unable to hold back anymore, the tears that fell seemed to find no end, there was nothing she could do, she'd already screwed everything up. Why was she so stupid? Why did she leave the letter out as though she wanted him to read it?

She'd just lost her best friend and all the blonde could do was cry.

*********

He stood out in the hall, just outside her apartment door. Angel could hear her cry and every sob tore through him, breaking him like no other could. How could this all be happening? They were just going out to catch a movie, that was it, and now, she was all of a sudden in love with him?

Buffy, the girl that he would do anything for; after all she was his soul mate. Being that she was just like him in everyway possible, and for that matter, he'd known years ago that he would never find a friend like the one he had found in Buffy. Wasn't that what a soul mate was?

No, he knew it wasn't, a soul mate was that someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, so the question was, did he want to spend the rest of his life with her, was she the one person that he could never grow tired of? Was he attracted to her romantically?

Suddenly images of her rain soaked and laughing as they danced around like idiots in the storm, flashed through his mind. Then there was more.

Buffy dancing at the bronze.

Buffy fast asleep in class.

Buffy telling a joke that only he would find funny.

Buffy crying after having a fight with either one of her closest friends, usually Willow and sometimes Xander.

Buffy sun bathing in that little white bikini, he was suddenly incredibly envious of.

And Buffy wearing nothing but that towel barely minutes ago.

Angel knew his answer, yes, he was attracted to her. Yes, he could easily see himself being with her. Was he in love with her? Well, wasn't he always, but without having a single clue of it?

Yes he was.

Turning back around he opened the door to her apartment, hoping she wouldn't demand that he get out after he'd taken off the way he had.

**********

As she slipped her comfy jeans and sweater on, Buffy headed for the door, about to walk back out into the empty living room. By the looks of things, she was getting her night of ice cream, Kung fu movies, and then most likely crying herself to sleep.

Or so she thought. When she opened the door and spotted him there, standing in the middle of the living room, the letter back in his hands, she froze, and her heart once again began pounding at an erratic rate.

Looking up form the letter, the same letter he wanted to read over and over, and hope that is was all true and not some lie, all he could do was stare at her. “Buffy…” Her name was said as he always said it, in a breathy whisper that seemed to make her knees go weak.

She knew then, not that she didn't before, but his one word statement was her confirmation. He really had read the entire thing, he knew everything she wanted to keep hidden, and all she could do was deny it. Taking a few steps towards him she did just that. “No, I didn't mean it, it was stupid... I... I have to go.” Buffy mumbled, choking back the tears as she turned away, intent on returning to her room. This was not happening, Angel did not know.

Why hadn't she burnt it when she still had the chance, why had she left it out as an open invitation for him to read? It was too late to question it now, and all she could do was run and hopefully find a hole to burry herself in.

“Buffy.” He yelled this time, and he reacted in the best way possible, as he caught up to her, and grabbing a hold of her arm, he spun her so that she was facing him.

There they stood, two best friends, Buffy on the verge of tears as her whole world seemed to be crumbling before her, and Angel now feeling a undeniable rush of emotions, and even though he'd only just come to his realization out in the hall, now he knew it more than ever.

“You're in love with me?” He questioned, now all of a sudden needing to make sure that it was all real.

“Angel I...”

“Yes or no.” He asked, he had to know if what he had read was the truth.

Buffy wanted to say no, to say that it was all a joke just to get out of the situation that she was in, but she couldn't, she needed to get it out once and for all. “Yes... I love you, so much. So there, are you happy now?!” She snapped, hating herself for laying her emotions on the line to the one person that wasn't ever meant to know.

When that first word escaped her lips Angel swore his heart had just skipped a beat. It was as though he'd only just come to realize that he'd been waiting to hear her say that from the first moment they had met in high school.

As she turned once again, trying to hold her tears at bay, at least until she made it to her room, Angel surprised her.

Spinning her around once again he pulled her small form towards his and crushed his lips upon hers.

The blonde was completely caught off guard. Here was the man of her dreams, the one she had told herself not to love, over and over, and now he was kissing her, Angel was kissing her.

Suddenly pulling away, she needed to know why, as though the way he had just been kissing her wasn't explanation enough. “Angel, ah?” She mumbled, her emerald eyes searching his dark orbs.

“I love you.” He softly whispered. “I think I always have.” He said before leaning in, trying to kiss her again.

She felt like she was going to faint from those three words alone. It couldn't be real, he couldn't really love her. “But, Darla?” Buffy hadn't forgotten the other blonde, how could she when Darla had been the cause of all her feelings been scribbled down on paper.

Strange that not until she had brought the other blonde up, had he thought of his so called girlfriend, but what was really strange was that he didn't even care. “She's not you Buffy.” Was all he had to say.

How could the simplest of words, send shivers down her spine? She wanted to dance around like an idiot. Angel loved her, really, really loved her. So as it turned out she was right all along, what they had was special, they knew each other in ways no one could ever understand.

“So are you ready?” He asked his new girlfriend. Just thinking that that was what Buffy was to him now made him feel like he was on cloud nine.

“Ready?” Buffy questioned eyes half closed as she swayed towards him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

Angel smiled against her mouth, before bringing his hands up to tenderly stroke her face. Oh God he was right, her skin was perfection. Why had he waited so long to touch her? “Movies.” Angel reminded her.

“Oh.” Buffy whispered having forgotten all about their plans as the only thing that seemed to be on her mind was that Angel loved her. “Right.” She added, trying to focus on anything but his lips... but they were right there, but a few inches away, and oh how desperately she wanted to kiss him again.

“We don't have to go... I mean we could stay here and watch one if you want.” He offered, knowing full well that they'd most likely miss most of it, due to something along the lines of ‘a heated make out session.’

“And that's all we're gonna do is watch movies huh?” Buffy questioned, hoping that wasn't the case.

“Buffy, are you trying to seduce me?” Angel chuckled, all of a sudden extremely turned on. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he pulled her closer, wanting to kiss her again.

“Not at all... I just wanna watch movies. So you just remember that.” Buffy playfully said as she regretfully pulled away from his embrace to sit on the couch.

“Movies suck.” Angel insisted as he quickly took the spot beside her. Then without a moments hesitation his lips were on hers as he was leaning over her, pushing her back so that she was now lying on the couch.

All Buffy could think as Angel returned his lips to hers and kissed her like she had always dreamed was why?

Why had it taken her so long to confess just how much it was that he meant to her?

In the end it didn't matter, because of her simple letter, one that Buffy never thought she would have the nerve to send, the blonde had gotten everything she ever wanted.

Her Angel.

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