Category: humor
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. If they did, the viewers and the characters would actually be enjoying themselves. As it stands, however, Chris Carter, Joss Whedon, and Joel Surnow are spoiling all our fun.
Spoilers: Just about everything you can think of from Buffy, Angel, X-Files, and Nikita.
Summary: a commiseration of woes
Feedback: deeply appreciated at
Author's Notes: This is meant as light-hearted fun; I couldn't find such humor in these situations if I didn't love the characters so much. Also, I know that the creators/producers of shows do not do all the "writing", but for clarity I have written this fic as is they did
Dedications: to Shirlz, for keeping the boys happy in this time of strife; to Amber and Kat for friendship and YUMMY fic recs; to Dru, for the MARVELOUS "TPoS" series; and to Ducks, to bolster her spirits in the wake of the new, "improved" (NOT!) Angel keep the faith, girls ;)

"I've had enough!" Mulder fumed, as he stalked into the living room and flopped down on the couch next to Scully. "What the hell is Carter thinking, anyway? I mean, first I'm acting all strange around you, delivering that sappy 'I'm not sure where I fit in anymore, yada yada yada' line, then I'm acting like a certifiable lunatic, rambling on about the pizza man, and now I've given you what appears to be a voodoo doll --"

"Yeah, well, at least you're not completely denying the paternity of your 'miracle child' ", Scully interrupted impatiently, "and I think in the long run my 'thank you for my other gift -- courage' line tops any lame-ass dialogue you've had by a long shot! Further more, I was under the impression that I was a reasonably intelligent individual; so why in God's name would I suddenly develop a craving for a child, especially YOUR child?!?! No offense, Mulder, but asking you to father my child was probably the stupidest act Carter ever had me commit, next to that Ed Jerse fiasco. Let's think about the reasoning here, shall we-- hmmm, think I'll have a child, never mind that I face death on a weekly basis, and somehow try to provide a stable home environment, moreover, let me ask Mulder to father that child, so that we can combine the DNA of two people who have BOTH been exposed and inoculated against the alien virus, AND survived the process, and can therefore provide THE PERFECT GENETIC SMORGASBOARD FOR THAT DAMNED CONSORTIUM TO KIDNAP AND--"

"Hey! I resent that! You can't just ASSUME that we're planning to kidnap your kid." Krycek retorted, returning from the kitchen with beer in hand. "Especially since I apparently want your pregnancy terminated" he continued, sitting on the floor and leaning his head back against the cushion. "I never did figure that one out, and I probably never will since our dear old "creator" has once again banished me from the script does ANYONE know why the hell I only show up every 5 months, and what I do the rest of the time? Cross-stitch? Macreme? Kareoke? All I know is that I'm getting damn tired of -"

"YOU'RE getting 'tired' ! Bloody hell, at least your life history is somewhat consistent. That bloody wanker Whedon can't even decide how old I am, or who sired me, or what accent I'm supposed to have, or--"

"Oh, just shut up, Spike!" Angel fumed at the blonde from his spot in the chaise lounge across from Mulder, Scully, and Krycek, "You're not the only one who's had a run-in with Joss' particular brand of 'revisionist history'. First I'm depressed for a century following my 'ensoulment', then I'm perky enough to socialize and get involved in that hotel fiasco in the 50's PLUS, Whedon can't figure out what the hell to do with the curse. First, it's broken by "perfect happiness", then he seems to think that any "sex" will do the trick-- and while we're on the topic, what moron makes a curse with a "loophole"?! Come on, if you want someone to be guilt-stricken for eternity, do you REALLY want to give him a way out? AND risk the unleashing of a powerful demon who--"

"Well that's not the only stupid thing he's written," Buffy fumed, dropping her bookbag on the floor and taking a seat atop Angel's lap, "what was up with that whole 'Acathla' thing, anyway? Unless they cut some major explanatory scenes out to make room for more commercials, someone OBVIOUSLY dropped the ball on plot continuity, big time! 'Cause, your "blood" was supposedly the key to the portal, right? So why did I have to KILL you to close it? Couldn't I have just smeared some more blood on the damned thing?" she groused.

"Likewise, wouldn't I have checked Mulder over a bit more closely before I buried him?" Scully complained drowsily from the couch, her head in Mulder's lap. "Last time I checked I WAS a medical doctor, supposedly able to distinguish a live body from a corpse. Plus, why didn't I take Jeremiah Smith with me when Skinner came to tell me they found Mulder? And why didn't I examine the body to determine if it was a clone--"

"Probably for the same reason that I left Section to raise Adam." Michael interjected, entering the front door with Nikita in tow. "Past seasons indicate that I have serious emotional attachment issues, poor social skills, and a place at the top of the 'Most Wanted' list of every terrorist organization in the world, yet I took my small son and left the relative security of Section to set out for parts unknown"

"Yeah, well, at least you're not suffering from multiple personality disorder." Lindsey yelled form the bathroom. "I'm a lawyer, I'm an escapee from 'Deliverance', I'm a karaoke king, I'm--"

"Oh yeah? Well, what about me? I'm on Mulder's side, I'm on Spender's side, I'm on my side-- do I even HAVE a motivation?!?" Krycek pouted.

"Nope," replied Lindsey, coming to sit beside Krycek, "you don't. Plus, like me, you have the most artificial looking prosthetic limb that I've ever seen. We have resources, right? I work with a bunch of demons and you had the financial backing of the Consortium, yet neither one of us have any movement, or even a realistic skin -tone to our make-shift limbs, and while I'm on the subject, who decides on our medical histories, anyway?"

"Obviously a sadist." Nikita retorted. "I think at last count, between all of us in this room, we had 17 gunshot wounds, 6 episodes of mind control and/or brain-washing, multiple exposures to alien viruses and demon blood, numerous mental conditions, impalings, ritualistic burnings, and high degrees of mental stress plus the impromptu amputations, of course." She concluded, with a nod in Krycek and Lindsey's direction.

"More importantly", sighed Buffy, "why don't any of us ever show the appropriate emotions on screen? I apparently 'forgot' Angel in about 3 months, and wasted no time jumping in bed with a couple of dorks. You guys have yet to hug, or kiss, or even act glad to be around one another since Mulder was released from the hospital this last time" she said glancing at Scully, "and you two played some mind boggling cat-and-mouse game for 4 years." She laughed ruefully in Michael and Nikita's direction. "What was up with that, anyway? Were you in love? Were you playing a game? Were you acting under orders?"

"I doubt we'll ever know", sighed Nikita.

"No, not unless Surnow issues some sort of public statement. And that's about as likely as Whedon and Carter getting THEIR acts together" Mulder grumbled.

They all sat in silence, glumly contemplating the mess that had been made of all their lives.

"Oh, well, guess there's only one thing to do" Buffy said, reaching for the remote control and turning on the television. Settling more comfortably in their seats, they all turned to face the screen, ready to spend an hour escaping their own problems, and watching the only character more inconsistently written than themselves, the 'sometimes I'm gay, sometimes I'm not' Jack on "Dawson's Creek".

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