Authoress's Note: I'm nuts, bonkers, but logical. Oh and go look up the meaning of the word OXYMORON. In my whole class, no one knew the meaning, not even my English teacher? Oh the humanity! Humanity is nice, esspecially if it's Angel's. Told you I was crackers. Okay, to those of you who noticed the continuality mistakes in No Such Things As A Holiday, I will revise it when I find my disk.
Disclaimer: Joss's. Unmine. But my birthday is coming up so he could....turn this into an episode.
Dedication: To myself. Am I the only Britney Spears fan in Oz? To Ava, no Oz but still... you didn't like my other fic did you? Post some of yours. To Merry, I thought of the agitated Chrissie beetles first. And to CIAB cause you hate me and fan fiction and now, thanks to me, Buffy. My goal has been completed.
PS: I hate Riley. My mother is getting worried. Actually, does anyone have the lyrics to Billie Piper's Honey to the Bee?

Angelus saw her from the bushes. Her arms were around Riley. Angel growled. She was his. The scar on her neck was his marking. Riley leant down and kissed her. She moaned and leant into him. Angelus smirked. Riley would get what was coming.

*******

Buffy finished kissing Riley. She hated this. Pretending to have fallen for him, when it was the exact opposite. She felt something, like someone was watching her. She shrugged, and tried to take interest in what Riley was saying.

"I have three older sisters, Requille, Remi and Rachele. And three older brothers Richard, Ricky and Ronan. And my best friends are Mary, Jonathon and Casie.." Riley was babbling on about good ol' Iowa. It was so boring.

A dark figure stepped in front of her. "Buffy," he murmured

"Angel," she gave him a dreamy look. Angelus sniggered. She still thought he was Soul Boy.

"Buffy, I have a weapon you may need. It's at the mansion. I need to give it to you now."

"I guess Riley and I can come now," Buffy shrugged, shivering as a cold wind rushed by them. Riley grinned and held out his hand.

"Riley Finn, Buffy's boyfriend," he said. Angel ignored Riley's hand and looked at the sky.

"Let's go," he murmured .

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The mansion was warm, a fire roaring in the fireplace. Angel walked over to a large wooden chest.

"Buffy," he said huskily, "Maybe I was wrong in leaving you. I miss you terribly."

Buffy released Riley's hand and stepped over to him. "I miss you too," she smiled. Angelus clutched the chains tightly and hit her hard. Buffy fainted to the floor.

Riley stood there whimpering. Angelus's face was curled up in a mean smile.

"Time to have some fun," he laughed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy woke up, lying across a bed, the skirt of her crimson dress hitched up past her knees. Her arms were in cuffs, chained to the bedhead. And her head hurt like hell.

Angelus appeared from behind a curtain. "Hullo Lover," he smiled.

Buffy felt her heart sink. "Ex Lover now," she snapped, tugging at the chains.

Angelus sat on the bed and unlocked the cuffs. Before she could react, Angel's lips were on hers. Unable to break free from what she had craved for so long, Buffy moaned and leaned into his embrace. Angelus pulled back.

"I want you back," he whispered into her ear. "If you can love a soulless me."

"Of course," Buffy climbed into his lap.

"I'll have to kill Riley," Angelus reminded.

"Do what you like," she shrugged, pulling the curtain down and flopping backwards onto the bed. "Later."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Riley was chained up on a wall. Buffy saw this the minute Angelus pulled down the curtain.

"Buffy! Oh God," Riley gasped, tugging at his chains. "No! No!"

"Shut up Riley," Buffy smiled lazily, Angel's hands roaming her legs. "I'm fine."

Angelus jumped to his feet and punched Riley hard in the jaw. Riley began crying like a...

(Don't you dare say girl, I'm a GIRL! That'd be offensive!!)

A..a Finn!! (Thank you)

"This is for touching my girl!!!" Angel walked over the the mantal piece and picked up a jam jar with a red back spider in it.

"These aren't just red back spiders, these are vampire red back spiders. They suck blood," Angelus smirked.

"How...?" Buffy asked, sprawled on the bed.

"Shut up bitch," Angelus snarled. Angelus marched over to Riley and tipped the three spiders onto him. Riley shrieked like a...

( Don't say girl!)

A Finn. Angel growled at Riley, and Riley's sobs became whimpers. Angelus stalked over to Buffy and pushed her backwards onto the bed. As his mouth captured Buffy's, Riley began yelling and screaming. Angelus grabbed a brick from the floor next to him and threw it at Riley, breaking his nose.

"Finally peace and quiet," were Buffy's last words for a long time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Riley came consious again four and a half hours later. Every single inch of his body was covered in bite marks from the spiders and his nose was broken.

Than Buffy and Angelus stepped into the room. Buffy was wearing a very short kimono and Angel wasn't wearing any shirt.

"Hullo Riley," Buffy smiled, her arms around Angelus's waist. Riley whimpered like a , don't even say it, a Finn.

"Now for the fun," Angelus picked up a can of deodorant and a flame thrower and proceded towards the boy. But Riley broke free (only because one of the spiders cut through the rope, not `cause Riley is strong) and ran outside. Suddenly a herd of stampeding angry reindeer thundered towards him, squashing Riley flat. Because, contrary to popular belief, Santa Claus and Ruldoph are big time Buffy and Angel/us fans. And then (only because the authoress is completely bonkers) a colony of agitated Christmas beetles squashed Riley's squashed remains.

Buffy and Angel watched from the verandah. Suddenly Angel became human with vampire strength and no guilt.

"Buffy, I can't believe...." Angel jerked from her arms.

"Please Angel, leave it be. We can have the future because we're immortal. I love you."

So Angel and Buffy kissed in the light of the sunrise, and Riley `Dorky' Finn will never grace our screens again.

(Ding Dong the Dork is Dead, the moronic dork, the ugly dork. Ding Dong the moronic ugly Dork is dead!!)

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