Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy or Angel, cause if I did, things would be a lot different. The song Come What May is from the movie Moulin Rouge, which I also don't own. Don't sue as I am broke.
Summary: I am in denial - Spike and Buffy never happened. Angel and Cordy did and Buffy found out about it. Another song in this fic. I love music! Angst ahead!
Rating:.PG
Pairs: A/B
Distribution: Land of Denial - otherwise I don't care - just tell me.
Author's Note: Feedback is always nice.

Sitting alone in the hospital, Buffy knew she was about to write the hardest letter she had ever written. How do you say goodbye to someone who knows you better than you know yourself? How do you let them know that no matter what, you will always love them? That was what she had to figure out.

Several days later. In LA

Angel was sitting alone in his office, filling out paperwork from the case they had just completed and brooding. He had been filled with nervous energy all day and he didn't know what was causing it. He had to figure out how to tell Buffy that he and Cordy had spilt and that he was going to be given his redemption one day. After he finished with his paper work, he tackled the work in his inbox. That was when he found the letter that was addressed to him in that familiar looping script. His heart filled with dread as he opened the envelope.

My darling Angel,

Yes, after all the time apart, all the fights, and even after you have moved on with Cordelia, you are still my darling. I sit here trying to figure out exactly what to write to you and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I thought that loosing mom was going to be the hardest thing in my life. Then I died and then I was pulled out of heaven and hit rock bottom, but hey, it couldn't get any worse, right? I was wrong about that. The love of my life fell in love with another person, but he was happy and as long as he was happy, I was happy too. You see, when you fell in love, I understood what you wanted for me all this time. However, no matter what I said, no matter how much I told you otherwise, I was never as happy as I was when we were together. I never felt as alive as I was when we were together.

I'm babbling. I know I'm babbling, because if I babble maybe I can avoid what I know I have to do. Because you see Angel, I have to say goodbye to you. This time it is forever and it is truly the hardest thing in my life to do. Truth is, my love, I am dying. It seems I was not supposed to come back from heaven last time, but at the last minute , TPTB decided to send me back to clean up the mess that was left here. Now the gang is all in denial about this. They say I am healthy and I have a long life in front of me, but I know the truth.

Last night, the Oracles came to me in my sleep and told me everything. I don't have a long time now. Over the next few days my body will just start to shut down. I wanted to go back to heaven when I was first returned by the gang, but now, I am so afraid of dying. I was told that it wouldn't hurt, but what if they were just lying to make me feel better about it? That scares me so much and I want someone to hold my hand so badly, but no one believes me. The Oracles did give me two gifts though. The first one is the memories of our one day together. Yes, I remember it all now, Angel. I understand why you did what you did, but I am so happy to have those memories to keep me warm in my last few days. Maybe in another time and another place we will get our turn in the sun. The other gift isn't for me, but is for you. When I die, my love, you will shanshu. That also gives me comfort, to know that with my last breath, I give you your first. I hope that you will make the most of this gift. Promise me that you will live every day to the fullest. Now you can have children with Cordy and go out and enjoy the sun. Be happy and live. Remember, Buffy is a good name for a little girl if you have one.

I have to go now. Just remember that no matter what I will always love you and I'll look in on you for time to time. Take care of yourself my love. Do me a favor and look in on the gang for me? I will miss you all.

The words below are from the movie Moulin Rouge. The song is Come What May and it says how I feel about you better than I can express them.

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you
Until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you
Until my dying day

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you
Until my dying day.

Goodbye, my Angel, my love. Remember the hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.

I will love you, until my dying day.

Eternally yours,
Buffy Anne Summers

As Angel finished the letter, he sat there in shock. He bolted up and out of the hotel and drove to Sunnydale as fast as he could, but deep in his heart he knew he would be too late. He arrived and on impulse drove to the mansion. That was where he found her. Curled up in his old bed, breathing shallowly.

"Angel? Why are you here?"

He looked down at her face, beautiful even in the end. "I came to give you that hand to hold," he said as he sat next to her on the bed.

Buffy struggled to smile, "And Queen C didn't have something to say about that?"

"Well, she wouldn't as she is off with Groo on her honeymoon."

Buffy gasped, causing her to start coughing, " But I thought the two of you were together?"

"Buffy, it was only a case of puppy love. I have truly loved one person all my life and she is here with me right now. I was actually trying to figure out how to come back and beg you to take me back when I got your letter. Oh, my love, how am I supposed to live with out you? "

Silent tears started to track down Buffy's cheek. She reached a shaking hand up to touch Angel's face. "I am sorry love, but you will survive without me. Live. For me. Please?"

Tears started to fall down Angel's face as he slowly moved the hair back from Buffy's face. "I will live love and as long as I live, so will you. I will love you til my dying day."

He leaned down to kiss her gently on the lips. As she met his kiss, the life started to slow slip from her. As it finished, she died peacefully, without pain, in the arms of her Angel.

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