DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, not even a brain.
SUMMARY: This is told from Angel's point of view. He comes back to Sunnydale in an attempt to win Buffy back, and I'm choosing to have memory lapses in certain areas (i.e. Parker) because I am trying to repress! So this will not be entirely accurate, but I don't care. And i'm sure this has tons of mistakes in it, and i'm very sorry, but i had to write this in size 8 font! (coz my computers mucked up) so i could hardly see what i was writing! sorry!
FEEDBACK: Please let me know what you thought!

I need her. God, I need her so bad, and I pity any man who falls in love with her, because I know the pain of not being able to have her. And it's the worst thing in the world, believe me.

I can't stop thinking about what might have happened if I had walked back into her life six months ago. Before she had met Riley. Before she had had the chance to fall in love with him. God, how many nights I've tormented myself with that thought? If only this, if only that. But that way lies madness. And the agony tears me up inside. I can't bear to think of him kissing her, holding her, making love to her. I can't bear to think of her doing all the things I that had so long ago told her to do. I thought I was strong enough to walk away. And I was. I just didn't count on how hard it would be to stay away and I don't have that kind of strength. She's my weakness.

This isn't about male 'testosterone', as I remember Buffy once put it. This is about my love for her. My stupid love which is strong enough to drag me all the way back to Sunnydale, but not strong enough to make me knock on her actual door. I'm pathetic, and I'm in love.

I'm about to take the biggest risk I've ever known. And I, a two hundred odd year old vampire, feel terrified. I'm actually shaking slightly. I'm scared she'll hate me and I'm scared of so many other things.

But my worst fear, ironically, is that I won't even know her anymore. A stake through the heart or a sword through the stomach are nothing compared to her telling me she's moved on. And if she does that, I know I will die.

//Do it. Do it now. Just knock dammit/// But I *can't*. I've come all this way, and I just *can't*.

'Willow, is that you?' I hear a muffled voice call out, and shivers run through me. Oh how I've longed to hear that voice; so soft and gentle and so completely Buffy. I could stand and listen to her shout at me all day, if only I could just keep hearing that voice.

And then a thought strikes me; and feelings of horror and dread hit me with a damaging force. What if Riley's there? What if they are in bed? Together. I seriously consider running. Literally. All I have to do is move my feet, and I'm gone. But it's not that simple. Whatever force is stopping me knocking her door is also stopping me from running. Because now I *have* to know. Living with the *maybe's* is almost worse then having it all confirmed.

'Willow? Did you forget your key?' Her voice is closer now, and before I know it, the door is opening. And she's stood there wearing nothing but a mans shirt. I'm not sure which one of us were more surprised, her or me. And had I not been so taken aback by her beauty and the thrill of actually being within touching distance of her, I would have laughed. Every time we see each other there seems to be this period were neither of us can speak, we just stare. And I swear that so many more things are said in that silence then words could ever express.

As it is, I find myself stuttering out a weak and nervous 'Hi.'

I silently curse myself. ///Great going. Really smooth. Not at all desperate and pathetic///

'Angel.' Her voice is full of surprise, but she doesn't, I notice, seem too unhappy that I'm here, which gives me a small amount of encouragement. I'll take whatever I can get, and if a surprised reaction is it, then that is what I'll have to make do with. It's not like I expected her to grin and kiss me. Except maybe in my dreams.

'Angel,' she repeats, and I swear to God, if she says my name in that way one more time I'm going to have a moment of pure happiness just from that. How does she do this to me?

'What are you doing here?' She asks me. Her tone isn't cruel or demanding, it's simply. inquisitive. I freeze, feeling like an idiot. What am I supposed to tell her? ///Gee, sorry Honey, I realised I made a terrible mistake walking away from you, and I'm fully prepared for you to stake me, but I love you so much and I was thinking that maybe we could get back together///

My heart is pleading with me to tell her everything, but my lips have other ideas, and before I know it, I'm closing the distance between us in one easy stride and I'm wrapping my arms around her tiny waist, crushing her to me desperately. I don't care if she stakes me, because one kiss with Buffy is worth all that, and more. But she doesn't pull away. Instead she makes a soft sound into my mouth and parts her lips, a silent invitation for my tongue to come out and play with hers. I kiss her hungrily, desperate to reacquaint myself with that wonderful sweet haven and I haven't forgotten anything. I still remember the way she used to love it when I took her upper lip between my teeth and stroked it gently with my tongue, and I still remember that sensitive place just below her ear. But I can't bring myself to leave her lips, because part of me understands that she's only responding this way out of confusion, acting solely on instinct and old memories, and I'm fully prepared for her to push me away, but until that happens I plan to cling onto her for dear life.

But she doesn't push me away, nor does she seem to have any intent upon doing so. Instead she moves her hands up to tangle in my hair, and once again I'm lost in her. For a spilt second I can almost feel my dead heart beating, because I'm beginning to allow myself to believe again. I'm beginning to allow myself to believe in love, and Buffy, and so many things I never even knew existed.

And I'm so caught up in Buffy's arms and the moment that it doesn't even register that Buffy's door is once again opening- only this time it isn't me who's entering. It's Riley.

'Buffy, what -' He stops suddenly and the pain flashing in his eyes is one I'm all too familiar with.

And then Buffy's scrambling away from me as if I'm a fire burning her and her face wears an expression of sheer panic.

'Riley, oh god, it's not what it looks like-' she begins, and I'm suddenly aware *exactly* what it looks like. I-Buffy's ex lover- am stood in the middle of her dorm, and Buffy herself is wearing nothing but a shirt. A shirt I suddenly realise to be *mine*. Where did she get that from?!

But my thoughts and musings are interrupted when a fist connects sharply with my jaw. A fist belonging to Riley Finn. But suddenly he isn't 'Riley Finn'- he's Buffy's boyfriend. He's the man who gets to hold her in the sun and make love to her. He's the man I asked her to find, and all I can think about is hurting him.

My hand draws back slowly, and I'm all to ready to show him just what I think of him, but my blow is intercepted by Buffy, and I guess my punch had more force to it then I had expected, because I hear a horrible crack and a groan of pain as her tiny hand and wrist take the full force of my blow. Oh god. I had never meant to hurt her, and without even thinking about it both Riley and I step towards her.

'Buffy, I'm so sorry-' I begin.

'Get away from her, you've done enough damage.'

'Stop it, both of you.' I hear Buffy speak up quietly but there is a firmness and power in her tone that is unmissable. I watch in concern as she attempts to flex her wrist, and I'm relieved to see she can move it. 'I'm okay.' She announces after a few moments, a pained expression flashing briefly across her face. And I have to wonder- was that expression because of the pain of her wrist, or the pain I've just caused her by kissing her? I don't want to think about the answer to that question.

'We need to talk.' Riley states quietly, and a fear rises up inside me like none other I've ever experienced. I can see it now: they talk things through, she realises I was just a big mistake, and once again my heart is ripped in two. Part of me hates myself for being so selfish. She deserves this life- it's what I've always wanted for her- a 'normal' relationship. There was just one variable I didn't count on getting in the way- the strength of my love for her.

'Yes, we do.' Buffy sighed before turning to look at me.

'Go.' I heard myself said gently. Did I just say that? Did I just tell her to go and try and work things out with Riley? I don't need to worry about either one of them breaking my heart; I'm about to do it myself.

'Wait for me?' She asks gently, and her request throws me slightly. I can only nod as I watch Riley take her uninjured hand and guide her towards the door, grabbing her coat on the way to cover up her shirt. And then I am staring at a closed door.

She asked me to wait. I told her I would. But I can't. I can't stick around and wait for her to tell me she's with Riley now. I may not be able to have *her*, but if I go now I can still leave with my dreams. I guess the word 'delusions' are more accurate. But how ever false they are, I can't bear to have them taken away from me as well.

I glance around her dorm with misty eyes, past caring about what I look like crying, and I say goodbye.

****************

I wake up to a sensation I can only describe as odd and disorienting. I'm aware of a cold band of hard material around my wrists and ankles, holding me up and supporting my limp body. It only takes me a minute to realise that those cold 'bands' are actually metal manacles and I'm chained up in something I'm guessing to be an under ground layer of some sort. Not that it really matters. In order for one to escape, one generally has to free themselves of their chains first.

Slowly the past events of the evening begin to come back to me. The visit to Buffy's dorm-Riley's appearance- the desperate need to go patrolling and let out all my frustration. And the heavy thud to the back of my head. Boy do I remember that. The ringing pain in my ears acts as constant and unwelcome reminder. I crane my neck around slowly, in the hope to get a better view of my surroundings, but my gaze meets only darkness.

Unable to think of anything better to do I manoeuvre into a rather uncomfortable sitting position and begin working on my chains, rubbing them against each other in a vain attempt to break them. So long as I don't have to think about Buffy, I don't care what I'm doing. Time seems to crawl by at an excruciatingly slow pace, even by my standards. I wonder flippantly whether anyone will come looking for me. Will Buffy be worried that I wasn't still in her dorm waiting for her? Or will she not even notice? Part of me hopes that she won't, as crazy as it sounds. I don't think I can face her again.

But once again fate is working against me, and I'm hearing that all too familiar voice just around the corner on my left.

'Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?! You can't take me prisoner. Hey, watch where you're pointing that gun! You think I'm going to play happy little prisoner and stay here? I don't think so-' Her rant is cut of by a whimper of pain, and I tense angrily. Angry that they dare to hurt her. Sometimes Buffy's quirky comments- as much as I love them- have their price, and I can't help but desperately wish she'd just shut up and admit defeat. I can't stand to hear her get hurt whilst I sit here helpless and unable to come to her aid and I'm all too aware that these people have no problem with inflicting pain. I watch as she rounds the corner towards me, ten men walking in a circle around her, preventing her from getting away. I can't help the feeling of pride and admiration that stirs deep within me. It takes *ten* of them to hold her. She really is the strongest Slayer yet. Her eyes widen when she sees me, and I offer her a small, weak smile.

'Oh god, Angel! Are you okay?' Her concern touches me and affects me deeper then I would have liked.

'Buffy.' I pause for a moment, and there goes that silence thing. 'Are you okay? What happened?'

She groaned in protest as three of the men pushed her forwards and back against wall, holding her in place as they sealed the manacles. I watch her wince as they grasp her injured wrist, but she says nothing.

I wait for the men to leave before I attempt to ask her any more questions, not sure if they're aware that she's the Slayer, although they'd have to be pretty stupid not to realise considering her strength.

'I went looking for you.' she replies simply, and I don't know how to respond to that. 150 odd years of living alone is hardly the ideal thing to improve my people skills. It's funny, because I never really needed words with Buffy. She always seemed to understand me, and to me that meant everything. When you can't even understand yourself, it's really incredibly to find someone who actually can understand you. She was the first human, and the only, that I ever really truly opened up to. Sure, I've learnt to become more open, but nobody knows me like *she* does. And that's not always a good thing.

'Oh.' I reply lamely.

'I figured. you know. I mean you said you'd wait, and when you weren't there.'

I wince slightly, and my guilt returns full force.

'I. I left. I needed to. patrol.' As soon as that sentence leaves my mouth, I know I've made a mistake, because I can see the anger and disbelief flaring up in her eyes. She'd trusted me to wait for her, and once again I'd walked away. And maybe it would have been easier to let her believe I *had* waited for her, and that I'd been attacked in her dorm, as she had originally believed. But I couldn't let her believe that lie. She has to see that I had acted out of weakness, she has to realise that I'm not always as strong as she wishes me to be. She has to see me for who I really am, because if I have any hope in getting her back, she has to know the real me. 'I'm sorry.' I add quietly, but I know that those words are not enough after everything we've been through. There's been too many sorrys already, and eventually even words begin to lose their meaning.

'You're sorry? Right, of course you are. Just like you're 'sorry' for all the other things. Well you know what? I don't care.' She retorts angrily, and deep down I know she doesn't mean that, but it still hurts like hell. My eyes meet hers, and I'm silently pleading with her; trying to tell her everything I can't express with words, but she's turning away, too disgusted to even look at me.

For the lack of anything better to do I attempt to sit back down again, not finding the concrete to be nearly so hard and cold this time, but that's only because I'm past caring. My body is battered and drained but all I can think about is her. I'd endure all the tortures in the world, if only she'd look at me. I'm not sure how much time passes before she glances back towards me and attempts to copy my actions of sitting down. Even Slayers get tired of standing, I guess. I want so badly to help her, or to talk to her, but I honestly don't know what to say. I'm scared that if I open my mouth I'll blurt out that I love her.

'Did you get things sorted out with Riley?' I ask finally, trying desperately to keep the anxiousness out of my voice.

She shrugged slightly. 'Do you care?'

'You know I do, or I wouldn't have asked.'

'Yea, we sorted things out.' She informed me coldly, and my heart sinks so fast that I think it's never going to stop falling. Or else when it does, it's going to hit something with such force that it'll smash in two.

'That's.' I trail off, not knowing what to say.

'Good is generally the word that follows.' She says sarcastically. I hate that sarcasm she uses. It's like invading venom to such an otherwise perfect voice.

'You want me to lie?' I challenge.

'Well, you've done that a lot lately, so it shouldn't be too much trouble for you.'

'That's not fair Buffy,' I reply softly, but I know I deserved that.

'Yes it is. You told me you'd wait. You lied. You told me-'

'Did you honestly expect me to stay?' I cut her off, desperately needing her to understand. 'Did you think I could stay and wait for you to tell me you don't love me anymore? That you love Riley? I would have died.'

'That's not the point, Angel.' She laughs sadly. 'You should have waited anyway. You didn't know what I was about to say, and I guess now you never will, but you still should have waited, even if it was for me too tell you I'm with Riley now. *You* kissed *me* and you should have stuck around for the consequences.' I look down at the ground, feeling ashamed. I know she's right, I knew it all along. But I'm weak. She's my weakness.

'I know I should have waited. But I'm weak, Buffy. When it comes to you. I don't think straight.' I look up and see her eyes soften slightly, but I don't want sympathy. I want her to understand.

'I know.' She sighs, 'but what did you expect Angel? That you could come back, kiss my once and expect me to drop everything? It doesn't work that way. I have Riley now.'

'I know.' I say, trying desperately to hide the pain from my face. 'I know that.'

We lapse into a heavy silence, and it's so loud I don't care what I say, I just need to break it. Which I do, by blurting out 'Do you love him?' God, if she doesn't kill me, I swear I will. Did I really just ask her if she loved him? Am I really such an idiot? Please let this be a nightmare. Just one big nightmare.

'I don't know.' She answers simply and I have to refrain from sighing in frustration. I don't have a right to ask her that, and I don't have the right to demand an answer, but it doesn't make me crave it any less. But before I can decide whether to prod her any further, she's speaking again, and it takes me a few moments to realise that she's asking me about my life in LA. I relax slightly. This is neutral territory. This is safe. Or at least safer then talking about Riley.

It never really struck me just how odd this all was. We were chained up, with little chance of escaping, and yet here we were, talking about our life like old friends. Which I guess technically we are. We were so much more then that as well, but talking is good. It's a step, and I need to take it.

I begin to describe to her some of my cases, and it's wonderful to hear her laugh. I tell her about Cordy, and Doyle, and Kate and all the funny little things that have happened, just to keep her laughing. I never want her to stop; it's just too wonderful.

'No.' She says suddenly, and I look at her, completely bewildered. 'No.' she repeats. 'I don't love him.'

Hearing those words, it's like a massive surge of relief so powerful that I actually shake slightly. 'Do you. do you love me?' I hold my unbreath and wait for her answer. This is it. This is where I put everything one the line and pray. And hope desperately that that answer will be yes.

Her response surprises me. 'Ask me again.'

I take a deep, completely unneeded breath and stare at her intensely, my eyes burning deep into her sapphire ones. She needs to know that I'm serious, and that I'm willing to risk everything. She needs to know that I want this enough. 'Do you love me?' I repeat again, my voice firm and unwavering.

She waits a moment, maybe just to torture me, or maybe because she's scared, but finally she mouths a whispered 'yes.'

And I almost faint. I'm dizzy with relief and happiness and so many other emotions I can't even begin to contemplate. And suddenly I don't know what to say; I'm still in a haze of disbelief and wonder. 'Do you love me?' She asks me nervously.

My eyes widen in surprise. Doesn't she know? 'I love you, Buffy Summers.' I say it loudly, and suddenly I realise that I need to say those words as much as she needs to hear them. 'God, I love you so much.' I can't stop myself, and I keep babbling on and on about anything and everything, still high on the knowledge that she actually loves me. I want to kiss her and touch her so badly, but these chains hold me back, and suddenly I've never felt so determined in my entire life. And before I know what's happening she's moving towards me and slipping into my lap, her hands clasped tightly in mine. 'Your chains.' I stammer.

She holds up her wrists, which have painful looking red marks around them. 'There's nothing like a hard rock and a pair of somewhat old and faulty chains.' She grins at me and before I have a chance to reply, her lips are covering mine in a gentle, almost timid kiss. This was a different type to earlier; this wasn't rushed, or hungry, it was sweet and gentle. It was heaven.

'Buffy?' I swear I'm actually breathless. 'Help me out of these manacles?'

'My pleasure.' She purrs before using her free hands to tug and snap the manacles in one clean motion. I look at her with wide eyes. She returns my stare innocently and shrugs. 'Giles has had me on a major training schedule lately.'

'Remind me to thank him. I love you.' I say again, still not over the fact that she's sat in my lap, her lips just inches from mine.

'I love you too.' She replies quickly, not pausing to think about it. 'But I think we kinda need to get outta here before we. you know. do anything.' The blush in her cheeks is adorable, and impulsively I plant a gentle kiss on each cheek. She giggles slightly before shooting me a mock-stern look. 'We gotta get out of here.'

'I was pretty much unconscious when they led me down here.' I sigh. 'I have no idea where we are.'

'Luckily I do.' She takes my large hand in her tiny one and pulls me up. I slip my arm around her waist and together we set off.

I have no idea where I am, or where I'm going, but I don't care. I'm with Buffy, and it feels like the most right thing in the world. It *is* the rightist thing. I love her, and as long as I'm with her, I don't care what happens. I'll follow her anywhere, and I plan to do just that.

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