Disclaimer: I hate these things, don't you? I don't own them. They belong to Joss AKA the Spawn of Satan (LOL!!). "Breakfast at Tiffany's" doesn't belong to me either.
Rating: I don't know, PG maybe.
Summary: I suck at these; just read it. The "her" referred to is the past Buffy. Okay fine I'll do a summary after all. Buffy talks to herself because she's going insane and needs to be put in the loony bin. I'm sorry did that sound sarcastic? Gee, I can't think why. Seriously, though Buffy thinks about her life and the mistakes she's made.
Feedback: Please.
Notes: The verse at the end of this piece is part of "Fear" by Sarah McLachlan. *That* doesn't belong to me either.
Pairing: Vague mentions of B/A.

I see her more frequently now. She invades my dreams, my thoughts, my feelings, a vivid montage of my past life.

A life that no longer can exist.

Sometimes I think of that life, and I feel such an intense longing; it nearly overwhelms me.

But I resist.

Damn, I'm so good at that, aren't I?

I feel. I breathe. I shower. I shop for shoes. I told the First Slayer that once, that I wasn't alone, that I had friends.

What a fucking lie, a self-denial of what can never be.

I actually dared to think that I wasn't alone? Have I suddenly taken leave of my senses completely? I am, and always will be alone. My isolation has nothing to do with love, or loss, or duty, or obligation.

It has to do with Angel. Everything always has to do with Angel.

I still think of him now, now even though it's been almost 10 years since our split. Our . . . our "annullment", if you'd be so kind.

I had Riley, and for long time I convinced myself I was happy.

And then . . . then it all fell apart.

He'd never loved me, he was a player, just like the other men I'd had and have in my life. Not just a rat, but a super-rat, as Audrey Hepburn used to say in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" God, how I adore that movie. A rocky romance where both characters have their flaws, their weaknesses, but ends with an ultimately satisfying conclusion. I always knew they would end up together. They were perfect for each other.

I have always been a hopeless romantic. But you don't think I see it? You don't think I see the parallels between Holly and Paul, "Fred" as she liked to call him, to Angel and I? Ah, there's a difference though. Their love was not forbidden. Or if it was, it was only the fault of Holly. She brought those events on herself. If she could have opened her blind eyes long enough to see the truth, she would have seen that she could have Paul all along. She was only, as Paul said, trying to win her back to him, "keeping herself in a cage".

Oh god.

I see it. I see the light. I have to break free, venture out into the world, and maybe, maybe someday, I will be worthy enough to win his love. But in the meantime, if I see her again, I will alert her to what she is about to lose, and tell her . . . I'll tell her to fight for Angel, fight to keep him.

Because if she doesn't, she'll end up like me. Locked in a cage with no one to help me break free.

Don't you see? Nobody has the key.

No one except me.

***Tangled up in your embrace
There's nothing I'd like better then to fall
And I fear I have nothing to give
I have so much so lose***

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