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Disclaimer: I don't own any of the BtVS characters. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox. If I did own them, I'd treat them much better than the evil Joss man. But, oh well. I'm just having fun. So don't sue me. Notes: This fic is yet another attempt to make stuff right in the Buffy universe. Hope I did okay. From the feedback I've gotten, I get the impression that this fic is awesome. But give me your own opinion. Mail me!

Prologue

Heaven: No time

Man; let me tell you, it was a bitch being dead. You know how you imagine golden gates and a heavenly paradise in Heaven?

Forget that daydream.

Instead, I got stuck admitting dead people into Heaven. It was unbelievably boring.

But that was during the day. At night, I could do whatever I wanted.

Usually I visited her.

My Princess. She was so serene asleep. I missed Cordelia so much. I never even got to go out on a date with her cuz I had to save my pals.

I sighed heavily.

I told you it sucked being dead.

I'd give anything to kiss Cordelia again . . .

Part 1

Earth: Night

I moaned and thrashed in my sleep. He was there again, watching me. Telling me . . . what? I didn't understand him. It seemed like he was just there because he wanted to be near me. "Doyle!" I cried aloud. "Come back! Please come back!"

I woke myself up with my shout.I looked around wildly, searching for him. I knew he was there. But there was no one.

I sobbed loudly."Doyle?" I repeated softly. "Doyle?"

There was no response to my despondent plea.

I sat up, and brushed my tangled hair out of my face. Dennis politely turned on the light for me.

"Thanks, Dennis." I muttered softly. "You know me too well." I knew that after this latest visit from Doyle, I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. None of the others had made me go back to sleep. After each dream, I was keyed up and full of energy. I went to the living room, and sat gazing at the phone longingly. I checked the time. It was 2 o'clock. Early for Angel. He'd probably be wrapping up things with that icky demon I'd helped him slay.

I took a deep breath and hesitantly dialed his number. This was the fourth time this had happened since Doyle's death, and it'd been a week. In a way I was glad for the dreams. They were the only link I had to Doyle besides the visions. That was how Angel had known where to go to kill the demon. Yes, those blasted visions!

I guess Doyle had given them to me when he'd kissed me. That hurt. I thought our kiss meant something, not an excuse to pass me his curse! But I digressed. I was glad for the visions for the same reason I was glad for the dreams. They brought me closer to Doyle. I tumbled out of my thoughts and back into the land of the living when Angel picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Angel." I said softly. "It's me."

"Cordelia?" he asked, surprised. "Are you okay?"

"I . . . I-" I broke off, having an abrupt change of heart. Angel didn't need or want to hear about my problems. "I'm fine. It's nothing."

"Are you sure? Did you have a bad dream?"

I chuckled grimly at his choice of words. "Bad dream," I echoed softly. "You might say that."

He quickly caught onto my change of tone and said hesitantly, "Was it-"

He paused. Then, finally: "Doyle?"

I sucked in my breath sharply. "What? How did you- I've never-"

It was his turn to chuckle. "It wasn't that hard. You watch that commercial everyday. I can hear you trying not to cry all the time . . . It wasn't that hard." He sobered, and said, "Cordelia, you've got to stop this.

You don't eat. When you sleep, you're flooded with delusions, it's not-"

"Healthy?" I interjected angrily. "Delusions?! These aren't delusions, Angel. They're visits. He comes to me in my dreams."

"Cordelia, that's not possible. He's-"

"NO!" I barked sharply, starting to cry. "Don't ever say that! He's not dead! He's not! He's not!"

"Shh." he soothed. "I'm sorry. It's okay. Why don't you come over and we can talk about this?"

"NO!" I yelled, on the verge of hysterics. "If I go over there, you'll take my hand and try to calm me down, and convince me that I'm crazy! I'm not crazy, Angel! What's happening to me isn't a nervous breakdown! Doyle's not alive on this world, but maybe he's in Heaven! He misses me! The only way he can see me is in my dreams!" I stopped shouting, and sat still, breathing hard. "He wants to live again, Angel." I moaned. "He didn't want to die." My sobs forced me to stop talking. For several minutes I sobbed into the phone quietly, trembling violently. "He didn't." I repeated before hanging up the phone.

The eerie silence seeped into the room like a mournful ghost. Even Dennis was spooked and left the room, leaving me alone with my pain.

Part 2

I hung up the phone, sighing heavily. It was worse than I thought. Now she was imagining that Doyle was talking to her in her dreams. I ran a hand through my hair in mild frustration. What could I do? She was really losing it. I had to do something. My eye lighted on the broken clock I'd saved since Buffy's visit to LA. It was the only thing I had that could remind me of that day. I know, I know, I loved to torture myself with those memories. When I was by myself, I would draw up those memories in blissful agony. But she couldn't remember. She never would. That day had never happened. I had to see the Oracles.

If I couldn't be happy, at least one person in my life deserved to be. I searched the room, and finally found an object that I could give the Oracles. My heart tore at the thought of parting with it, but what else could I do? It was my most prized possession. Besides, I had my memories. I grabbed the item, and my leather jacket, and headed to the post office.

Part 3

Damnitt! I knew I'd pushed too hard! Now I was driving her crazy! Damn it all to fucking hell!! I took a deep breath, and tried to calm down. What use was there in cussing out the air? I was just trying to stall my meeting with the Powers That Be.

I braced myself and opened the golden gates that led to the PTB. An enormous entity sat in a regal throne. It used its eyes to stare down at me menacingly.

"Alan Francis Doyle." it stated. At first I thought it was asking me, and opened my mouth to reply, then shut it abruptly. This was God we were talking about. He knew who everyone was. I chose instead to stand silently.

"You have violated the code." it said sternly. "You are not supposed to interfere with the mortals. You're dead, Doyle. You're supposed to stay that way."

"I'm sorry." I said nervously. "I just-"

"You love a human girl named Cordelia Chase. I know this. You miss her deeply. You didn't want to die. I know this as well. But what is done cannot be undone. You shall stay dead and serve me for all eternity. You will not visit this young woman in her dreams again. Do I make myself clear?" He glared at me, daring me to protest.

I took the bait, being the foolhardy Irishman I was. "No." I said boldly. "What if I don't want to serve you forever?"

I'd surprised the old geezer. "You do not wish to serve me? It is an honor and privilege to serve me. You should be grateful."

"I'm not." I said angrily. "You're right. I don't want to be dead. I want to go back to Earth. Please make me live again. I know you can do that." He shook what passed for his head slowly. "What is done-"

"Cannot be undone!" I broke in, exasperated. "I know! You keep saying that! But why can't you-"

"I tire of your chatter. Dismissed."

And just like that, I wasn't in the throne room anymore.

I punched the air angrily in frustration. "There has to be some way I can live again." I said softly. "There just *has* to be."

Part 4

"What do you mean you won't accept it?" I shouted hotly, trying to thrust the Claddagh towards the female Oracle, but unable to do so.

"We can't accept this offering because it is too great a sacrifice for you, Warrior." The male said mildly.

The female overrode him with, "Bring us something you can bear to live without. Then we will hear your plea."

Suddenly I was back at the gateway. I clutched the Claddagh ring tightly. I was glad they hadn't wanted the ring. The Oracles were right. I didn't want to give it up. It was one of the few things I had that reminded me of Buffy. I shook my head quickly, trying to rid my thoughts of her. It wasn't working. I shivered, and gently slipped the silver wedding band onto my ring finger, whispering, "Always, darling. I will always belong to you. Whether you want me to or not." I kissed it tenderly, sealing my promise. Shaking off my the eerie discomfort I'd felt when I'd kissed the ring, I left the tunnel and went to an antique dealership to find something sufficient to give the Oracles.

Part 5

I jerked out of sleep instantly, not knowing what had awoken me. I stared into the darkness in confusion, still half asleep, thinking of nothing but him. "Angel?" I whispered softly, my voice that of a young child's. "Angel?"

I sighed in heavy disappointment and tried to go back to sleep. But I wondered what had come over me. Why, months after our separation, did I think of him now? I liked Riley. I didn't love him, but in time I thought I could. I was moving on with my life. I needed to stop pining away over Angel. We were over. He didn't want me in his life.

Oh, why didn't I believe that?!

I moaned in frustration, and threw the covers off angrily. I got up and got dressed. I was going to Giles' to borrow his car. That's right. I was going to LA.

Part 6

I stared at the cloud's patterns in dreamy fascination. Every so often the clouds would open and show me the world below. I had an idea that if I leaped through the clouds at exactly the right time, then I'd escape back into the land of the living. It opened. There was my chance. I took a deep not needed breath, and jumped. I had the strangest sensation of dissolving. I shouted in fear and anticipation of what was to come, then my world went black.

Part 7

"Very well. We will grant your request. You are sure this is not a matter of love?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Good. You know that love does not concern us?"

"Yes." I thought I saw a glint of amusement deep in her eyes, but I wasn't sure.

"Very well." she repeated.

The male and female simultaneously closed their eyes. A second later they stared at me in confusion. "We can't find him." the male said.

"What do you mean you can't find him?"

"The being Alan Francis Doyle is no longer in Heaven. He's gone between." the male replied calmly.

"Between?" I asked.

"Between this world and the next. He's coming. We should make a body for him." The female looked to the male for agreement. "Yes, we should."

Out of nowhere, Doyle's body appeared suspended in the air, fully clothed. I stared at it in shock and amazement.

"Is he-" I managed to say.

"He's coming." she repeated gently. "This is only the vessel for his soul."

The male looked at me, one eyebrow raised. "Speaking of souls, yours is now owned by the Slayer. The curse has been abolished."

"Buffy?" I gasped. "How?"

"When you kissed your ring, and spoke the words, 'I'll always belong to you.', your soul became the property of the Slayer." He put out a hand to stop my questions. "Because of the strong magic coming from the Gateway."

"Oh." I said feebly. It seemed too good to be true. My soul permanent, Doyle coming back to life.

Of course it couldn't last.

"The Slayer." the male said suddenly.

The female looked at the male in confusion. "The Slayer?" He nodded. "The Slayer."

"We should give her back her memories." she murmured.

"What?" I asked urgently. "Is Buffy okay?"

"She's dying, Warrior. I'm sorry." he said solemnly.

"What?!" I shrieked. "She's *dying*?!" I shook my head quickly, trying to deny that fact. "What?!! No! How? Why?"

"Calm down, Warrior. We said she is dying, not already dead. But, Warrior," she paused ominously. "When the Slayer dies, you die."

"Where is she?" I asked quickly.

"Didn't you hear what I said? She's-"

"Where. Is. She." I repeated slowly, my voice dropping to a deadly growl.

"At St. Peter's Hospital. 10 miles from here. She was in a car accident. She-"

Before she could finish, a yellow light went into Doyle's "vessel" and he twitched and started coughing. He fell to the floor, breathing heavily. I ran to him mechanically, my mind full of images of Buffy alone and bleeding.

"Doyle." I muttered softly.

Doyle coughed and looked up at me. "Angel, man, ya okay?" he asked anxiously. "I heard every word on the way down here."

For some odd reason I nodded, saying, "Yeah. Go to Cordelia. I have to go to her."

He nodded. "Good luck."

I slapped him lightly on the shoulder, but there was no time for a reunion. I had to go to Buffy.

Part 8

I stood at her door with bated breath, waiting for her to answer my knock. She was taking so long . . . maybe she was asleep.

Finally, I heard a soft, "Who is it?" She sounded so drained of energy. My heart went out to her.

I cleared my throat, and said gruffly, "Ma'am, this the uh, um Electric Company. We've come to make a routine checkup."

"Routine checkup?" she asked, with a touch of her old spirit. "At 3AM?"

"Yes, ma'am." I replied, wanting to surprise her. "It's my last stop, then I go home."

A loud sigh could be heard from the other side of the door. "Be right there."

She unlocked the door, and opened it. At first she didn't look straight at me. "Now what's this all-"

Then she looked up.

Her eyes opened so wide.

"Doyle? Is it really you?"

She blinked.

The tears fell.

"Cordelia." I said, making her name a gentle caress that flowed out of my mouth. "It's really me."

She collapsed into my arms then, a sobbing, tearful, happy young woman that I wanted to keep safe for the rest of my life.

"Cordelia," I murmured softly into her oh so soft hair. "It's okay. I'm here now. I'm here and I love you."

She pulled away at that, her eyes still wet with tears. "What did you say?" Cordelia whispered hopefully.

I whispered also, afraid to break this spell. "I said that I- I um, well I love you."

She smiled and kissed me. I kissed her fiercely, relishing the taste of her all over again. We pulled apart reluctantly, and for the first time I was aware that I was still standing outside her doorway. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah." she grinned. "Stay forever." she declared passionately. We walked to her couch and sat down. She stared into my eyes in confusion. "I can't believe you're actually alive." she finally said. "How?"

"Angel." I said solemnly.

"Angel?"

"He went to the Oracles to beg for my life." I chuckled. "I don't know how he did it. Usually when someone asks for a life, they expect a life in return. But not this. . ." I trailed off, thinking of Buffy in a coma. "The Slayer!" I exclaimed.

"Doyle? What is it?" she asked, giving me a strange expression.

"A life for a life! The Oracles are going to kill Buffy, so I can live!"

"What?! Buffy's hurt?!" she asked in her classic clueless way.

"Buffy's *dying! We have to go to that hospital and try to keep it from happening!" I leaped off the couch and made for the door. Cordy grabbed my wrist before I could escape. Her words chilled me to the bone. "Doyle, if Buffy lives, what happens to you?"

"I- I um, I guess I'll go back."

"No! You can't!" She started to cry. I quickly pulled her to her feet, and wrapped her in a hug. "How am I supposed to go on with my life if you're not here?"

"You can do it. You've done it before."

"It's not the same! Take a good hard look at me, Doyle! Tell me what you see."

I examined her closely.

And nearly fainted at what I saw.

I compared what I saw now to what I'd seen when I'd first knocked on her door. The lack of energy, the baggy eyes, and she wasn't wearing makeup. When she'd opened the door, I'd caught a glimpse of such a despondent sadness that I'd felt my heart break.

"Cordy?" I asked in shock. "Why?" I stroked her cheek tenderly, taking her tears away, but more came.

She avoided looking at me, instead focusing on her hands. I followed her gaze and got another surprise.

Both her wrists had horizontal cuts on them, from end to end. They were healing, but barely. They looked to be less than a week old.

Suicide.

She'd tried to kill herself.

Over me.

I looked back up at her quickly, tears in my own eyes. "Princess. . ." I moaned. "Why? Why did you do this to yourself?"

She stopped staring at her wrists, and met my gaze. We were close enough to kiss. "Because I love you." came her soft reply.

With my eyes I pleaded with her to continue.

"Doyle, when you died, I couldn't live with myself. I felt as though somehow it was my fault that you'd died. So, after I was finished crying into Angel's arms, we went back to the agency and watched the commercial with you in it. I told Angel that I was fine, and I went home, taking the commercial with me. I did this that night." she paused, holding out her wrists. "Doyle, I only knew I loved you after you were gone. And you know, I'm scared now. I'm scared that you'll leave me again, and I'll be alone. I don't want that to happen."

"No, honey." I whispered gently. "I'm not going anywhere."

Her eyes brimmed over with tears, and she started crying again. I hugged her tightly, stroking her hair.

"Cordelia," I whispered. "I'm not going anywhere."

"But you are!" she moaned. "You are! If Buffy dies, that's the only way you'll stay with me."

She looked up into my eyes. "And if you live, Buffy's gonna die." she continued sadly. "It's not fair."

"Don't worry, it won't-"

*Foolish mortals!* a loud female voice interrupted us. *Do you actually think we'd kill the Slayer in exchange for your puny existence, Alan Francis Doyle?! Are you mad?! The Slayer is one of our most powerful Warriors! She and Angel together are powerful! Alone they are weak! She must live. If she lives, you will bear witness to the birth of the most powerful fighting force imaginable. If not . . . If not, you will see an Angel fall, perhaps forever.* She continued relentlessly, making me sheepishly grin at Cordy. You are a rude pathetic excuse for an angel, and the Powers That Be let you escape!

"What?" I asked indignantly. "They let me escape?"

With an abruptness that was startling, the voice was gone. Cordelia blinked and grinned at me. "Come on, Doyle. Buffy's gonna be fine. Angel will save her. Let's forget all this."

She grabbed my shirt collar, and pulled me to the bedroom. And for a long time, no more words were spoken between us as we lost ourselves in each other for the first, and certainly not the last, time.

Part 9

"Buffy Summers." I said, with a patience I certainly didn't feel, for the second time.

"She's located in E. R." the guy said also for the second time. "But you can't see her right now. She's having extensive surgery."

"I know!" I exploded, finally losing my temper. The man jumped. "But," I said through gritted teeth, "Is there someplace I can wait?" He seemed to be in a trance. "S-sir," he stuttered nervously, "Y-your face. . ."

I belatedly realized that my burst of anger must have made my vamp. face come on. I silently willed it to go away, and muttered sternly, "That's right. My face. You'll be seeing alot more of that face, and some fangs too if you don't take me to a fucking waiting room or the room where Buffy's going to be right now!"

He nodded rapidly. "You're a . . ." he trailed off, unable to finish.

"Vampire. Name's Angel." I said gruffly. "Take me to her."

"You won't bite me?"

"No!" I yelled. "Just take me to her!"

"Yes, please come this way."

He led me to the room where Buffy was lying. To say she looked horrible would have been an unbelievable understatement. Now it was my turn to be in a trance.

"Buffy." I gasped, almost crying. "Buffy."

"Yell if she wakes up, or if there's any change. She's in a coma. The doctors don't think she'll last the day."

"I understand." I muttered softly, pushing past him. "Leave me with her." The man nodded silently, and reluctantly left me. He probably thought I was going to rip her throat out. The very idea was laughable. I crossed the five feet needed to reach her bedside, making to sure to close all the blinds in case I was there for a few hours. I took her hand in my own, and sat down.

"Buffy," I whispered softly. "Please wake up, beloved. Please. I need you." I sobbed suddenly, putting my other hand to my mouth. "I love you." There was no response to my desperate, heart-wrenching plea. I grew angry at showing weaknesses, and got mad at her instead. "Damnitt, Buffy!" I yelled tearfully. "How can you do this to me? I love you! I've loved you my whole life! Even before I met you, I knew that I needed to love someone. You're my best friend! You are the closest thing I've ever had to something normal! You-" I stopped abruptly as I realized that she'd said something similar to me long ago. *You are the one freaky thing in my freaky world that makes sense to me.*

"Buffy," I said, trying to calm down. "You know how much I love you. And it kills me to say this."

I paused, hoping she'd take the bait.

She did.

She opened her eyes, staring up at me weakly, her eyes feverish and delusional.

Which was exactly what I wanted.

"Then don't. Who are you to decide what's right for me? You think I haven't thought about this?" came her reply, weak, without energy, but she was most definitely alive.

I wanted to hug her with all my strength and rejoice at her reawakening, but I didn't.

Maybe couldn't is a better word. At least not yet.

"Have you? Rationally?" I asked.

Her voice became stronger with each word. "No, of course not! I'm just some silly little schoolgirl, right?"

"I'm trying to do what's right here. I'm trying to think with my head instead of my heart."

"Heart?" she muttered bitterly. "You have a heart? It isn't even beating."

"Don't."

"Don't what? Don't love you? I'm sorry. You know what? I didn't know that I got a choice in that. I'm never gonna change. I can't change. I want my life to be with you."

I paused before replying, wanting to say this correctly to snap her out of her delirium. "I do want to be with you, Buffy. Always and forever."

She stared up at me in confusion, but not *really* seeing me. "That's not what he said. He said, 'I don't.' Then he broke up with me. He hurt me deeply. So you can't be him."

My heart went out to her. "He's me. And I love you. I lied before."

She blinked, and something in my voice must have made her snap out of it, because she stared at me clearly, finally aware of her surroundings.

"Angel?" she asked forlornly. "Is it really you?"

"Yeah, honey," I said tenderly. "It's really me."

She grinned at me. "I thought you were a dream."

"No. I'm real."

Buffy twisted her head and tried to look around, but she moaned tearfully at trying to do so. She sighed, and asked me, "Where am I?" "You're in a hospital. You were in a car accident. Buffy, why were you driving so fast?"

"I . . . wanted . . . to . . . see . . . you." Buffy managed weakly, pausing between each word.

"Why?" I asked softly, not wanting to push her.

"Because I-" she gasped suddenly, and muttered pitifully, "S-something's wrong."

"Buffy?" I asked, growing concerned. "What is it?"

Beads of sweat broke out on her face. "I don't know." she managed to say. She stared up at me frightfully. "Angel, I-"

She passed out.

For the first time in my long life, I truly became afraid. "Buffy?"

There was no response.

And on her health monitor . . .

It began to beep.

She was dead.

Part 10

I was lost in a turbulent sea.

And, when you're the middle of fucking nowhere, and it's pitch black, that's pretty bad.

Thankfully, I found an anchor.

And it was in the form of an Angel.

But the sea was rough. It wanted me dead.

I wouldn't let it take me. I needed to live. For Angel. And for myself. Plus, I hadn't driven to LA and gotten put in a coma, for nothing. I was gonna live. I *had* to live.

"No, damnitt!" I yelled over the forceful winds and passionate seas. "I can't die! I just can't! Angel wouldn't be able to stand it!"

My words fell on deaf ears. This was one fight I was going to lose.

"No," I sobbed. "I can't! I can't! I have to come back to go Angel! Have to. . ." I trailed off, losing my grip on the piece of driftwood. As I slipped into the water, the sea claiming my body, the last thing I saw was a hand reaching out to rescue me. But I must have imagined it.

Or did I?

Go to Part 11