WEBSITE: http://www20.brinkster.com/amberina
MAILING LIST: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/amberina
RATING: PG-13
PAIRING: Buffy/Angel
SPOILERS: early S6, but mentions of lots of earlier eps, such as "I Will Remember You"
SUMMARY: Buffy's perspective after her visit with Angel.
LYRICS: A song off of Vanessa Carlton's "Be Not Nobody" CD, called "Pretty Baby." I make no claim to its genius. You should go out and buy the CD if you don't already have it. It's great.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, never was, never will be (probably.)
FEEDBACK: Yes, yes, yes, oh god, yes. In other words, please.
ARCHIVING: Okay, just give me the link to your site first.
NOTE: I'm becoming quite the B/A 'shipper. This is my first time writing non-dark B/A, though. Expect angst. Pure B/A denial angst. Also, to those waiting for the next part to the Reversal Series, I will try to get it out as soon as possible, but my life has been kinda hectic recently.

You light me up and then I fall for you
You lay me down and then I call for you
Stumbling on reasons that are far and few
I'd let it all come down and then some for you

I love him. I love him with all of my heart. If I had more heart, I would love him more. I love him more than I love life itself, which, granted, is a bad comparision, seeing as life isn't exactly peachy at the moment, but the sentiment is there. It's been hell. Everything's been bad and it's pure and utter damnation, all of it. But when I was with Angel, that short moment that he held me as I cried, none of that mattered, and we were back to simpler times, before everything got screwy, before he left, before he lost his soul. It was just feeling his strong arms around me, hearing his soft voice whispering to me, it was me and him and nothing else, no one else mattered.

Pretty baby don't you leave me
I have been saving smiles for you
Pretty baby why can't you see
You're the one that I belong to

There have been other men. Riley. Parker. But they were nothing, and they knew it. It killed Riley, I know, but it's not my fault. I tried to love him, I did. I tried as much as I could, but I had no heart left that wasn't occupied by Angel. Angel's apart of me, he's engrained into my very being, our souls are one, even if our bodies can't be.

I'll be the embrace that keeps you warm
For you're the sun that breaks the storm
I'll be alright and I'll sleep sound
As long as you keep coming round, oh pretty baby

I don't want him, I need him, it's simple as that, and I cannot be happy without him. It won't happen. All of my smiles are empty and void, all of my laughter rings false in my own ears. I would die for him, I would kill for him. But I'd rather not. All I want is to lie in bed with him, his arms wrapped around me. I want to kiss him and hold him and love him and I want to be his everything like he is my everything. I need him more than I need the air I breathe.

And I know things can't last forever
But there are lessons that you will never learn
Oh just the scent of you makes me hurt
So hows it you that makes me better

When I was with him, I knew that we would have to leave each other once again, that we would have to go back to our own lives, and live like everything was normal. We'd have to pretend that prying each other away from one another wasn't the hardest thing in the world, that we both didn't cry for hours on end on the way home. I know I did.

Pretty baby don't you leave me
I have been saving smiles for you
Pretty baby why can't you see
You're the one that I belong to

Now that I'm home, it's worse. I go about my life, pretending things are good, and I know people see through it, I know everyone sees that I am so miserable my soul aches. They only know about one pain, though, they don't know about the other heaven I was ripped away from. The heaven of my true love. And I won't tell them, because why should I? It's none of their goddamn business.

I'll be the embrace that keeps you warm
For you're the sun that breaks the storm
I'll be alright and I'll sleep sound
As long as you keep coming round, oh pretty baby

When I was in heaven, I knew. I knew all about what really happened when I visited him in LA that first year he was gone. The reasons for him not staying human, though, those I don't get. Why did he have to go and be all noble when it's my heart on the line? Doesn't he understand that he is the only one I will ever love? Doesn't he understand that our love is stronger than death, and that I need him, and I don't care if I die because of it? Doesn't he understand that I would have gladly died, even then, as long as I spent one more night in his arms?

Why can't you hold me and never let go
When you touch me it is me that you own
Pretty baby oh the place that you hold in my heart
Would you break it apart again...oh pretty baby

When I mentioned it to him, he got really sad and broody, like always, and refused to talk. "It's better this way," he had said. Why does he break my heart? My life isn't that precious, even less precious than normal girls, because if I die, there's someone to replace me. I'm sure some new Slayer will come waltzing in eventually and screw with everyones heads anyway, so why do I always have to be here to deal with it? I shouldn't have to deal with the capricious whims of bad Slayers, when I am supposed to be dead. I'm getting way off subject here, but it remains true, I would have given anything, anything, any goddamn thing, to be with him. I wish I could make him understand.

Pretty baby don't you leave me
I have been saving smiles for you
Pretty baby why can't you see
You're the one that I belong to
I'll be the embrace that keeps you warm
For you're the sun that breaks the storm
I'll be alright and I'll sleep sound
As long as you keep coming round, oh pretty baby

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