RATING: G
DISCLAIMER: Would *I* have Buffy and Angel apart? I'm not Joss, I own nothing except the new Four Star Mary CD that just came in the mail today :)
SUMMARY: Buffy thinks about Angel...
AUTHORS NOTES: Any mistakes are mine, I wrote this in 8 minutes while I was on a break from studying for exams.
DISTRIBUTION: Want. Ask. Take. :)
FEEDBACK: Is a MUST! ~* This is for Starla, just 'cause she rocks, and Rose - hope you get better soon :) *~

It seems like forever since I saw him, heard him, or touched him. Somewhere in my head, it feels like there was a bridge, something tiding me over. Maybe it's the dreams I've been having.

You know how it is when you talk and talk and talk and no-one really listens or gets what your saying? Its like your drowning and people are hopping up and down on the sidelines wondering what to do and trying to get other people to save you so they don't get wet.

Willow. She's tried so hard to get me to fall in love with Riley. I know she knows I'm only doing it to get her off my back. Sure, he's okay, I guess. He's nice, and gentle and he treats me well. But my thoughts aren't all of him. When I think of Riley, my mind automatically strays to Angel, and he flies out of my mind.

Of all the people, I think there is only about three who understand. Xander knows how I feel. I think he does love Anya in some kind of way, but his heart has always been for Cordy, and it always will be. Giles knows what it's like, only Jenny is really gone, not in the next big city up the road. She's never coming back, short of a miracle, and he can't pick up a phone, or follow her to see how she's doing, or hear her voice, or watch her smile. Damnit, even Spike knows how I feel - he lost Drusilla, and he misses her. God, even Faith knows how I feel, only in a different sense. She spent all her life looking for true friends, a home and sense of purpose. When she finally finds it, the hand of Fate tears it away from her, and she's lost again.

Sometimes, it hurts so much to think about Angel, and how much I miss him, that I push any thought of him so far back into my mind that I exhaust myself. Who ever said that you eventually move on wasn't really in love. In Willow's eyes, I have moved on. I'm with Riley, so I must be over Angel, right? I'm with another man. And it makes me sick that I have to do this for her. This...masquerade. It's not only hurting me, it's hurting Angel, somehow, I know it is. The time hurts Angel, the time until we can be together again, and it hurts me too. And it's going to hurt Riley, in the end, because I can't keep this up much longer. I'm only so strong.

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