Rating: I'll try to make it PG-13
Summary: Buffy's thoughts on this last year without Angel. Sort of a companion piece to Not What I Had Expected. Sorry if it's crappy, I just got braces and I'm feeling pretty.well crappy. Writing cheers me up, so this is what I'm doing.
Spoilers: Right now, everything is fair game.
Disclaimer: I don't own `em, I'm just a disgruntled girl who had a coronary when I heard that Angel was leaving Buffy. I don't look like Joss Whedon; I just like to play with their lives a little. Besides, it's only going to be posted in about ten million places, my site for one - http://www.angelfire.com/me3/dragon9724/. Feel free to look around.
Feedback: Sure, take it to my site or e-mail me at Amadee9724@cs.com.

I knew it couldn't have worked, but by the time I was approached by it, I was so far into my role of denial that his words ripped my heart out. I couldn't believe that it was going to be over so soon, that the love of my life was going to be ripped away from me again. This time for good. He said he wasn't good enough for me, that I deserved more. I'd never wanted anything but him, and a chance that maybe the awful clause in his curse could be destroyed. In my dreams, the sight of his back disappearing into the smoke of night still haunts me. I can't sleep without seeing that sight, and his beautiful face.

I remember the first time we met. I'd known someone was following me, so I turned into a dark alley and vaulted up into an inverted position on a street lamp. When the dark figure came under, I swung down and trounced him to the ground. He was gorgeous, a timeless face like sculpted glass and eyes of the darkest chocolate. The gift he gave me put me in awe, an elegant silver crucifix on a delicate chain. I wonder if he'd known that it would save my life a few hours later. Maybe he did, he always seemed to have a sixth sense about those things.

It was a cruel truth the night of our first kiss, when his face changed into the snarling visage of a vampire. The very creature I'd sworn to wipe off the face of the earth even if it meant giving up my last breath. But he was different than the others, he'd always been so kind to me. I couldn't kill him, but I couldn't make myself stay away. When I found out about his soul, it was too late, I'd already fallen so deeply in love I was willing to sacrifice everything for him.

And so we pretended that things were okay and that we could have a future together. Though nothing could prepare me for the night I lost him for the first time. The night that soul of his disappeared because of the untainted happiness he'd felt for a moment. He killed my friends, and stalked me, trying to break my courage. But just when I got him back again, I had to shove a sword into his chest, sending him to eternal punishment in hell with a kiss from my lips. When he came back was both the happiest and saddest day of my life. Things would never been the same. The rosy glow was already slightly tarnished.

Freak show. He called our relationship a freak show, and even though he said he didn't mean it, I knew that deep down inside he did and that's what stings so bad. My friends tried to accept him again, they really did, but everyone still blamed him for what had happened. It was my fault really, if I hadn't been so needy he wouldn't have lost his soul. I can still see the look of hurt on his face as I let it slip about my relationship with Riley. I lied to him, there is no one in my life I love, I love only him.

I've lied to him, to Riley, and to everyone else. Especially myself, because in my dreams, that glow is still there and there is no right or wrong when I'm with him. Only peace.

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