Disclaimer: In my world Buffy and Angel would be making love right now enjoying the wonders of marriage and sunlight So not mine :(
Rating: R it’s supposed to be a little angst.
Spoilers: None. Summary: Buffy grieves the loss of her lover.
Timeline: A while after Graduation Day 2 in the summer break.
Feedback: I’m not very happy with this so please be kind and tell me something to BAalways@msn.com

“Right now I’m just trying to keep from dying. I can’t breathe, Will. I feel like I can’t breathe.” Buffy in “The prom”

I’m still not used to this. I didn’t have to patrol alone before. We would “accidentally” run into each other and just hold hands the whole night. If one of us was feeling particularly blue we would automatically slip into a hug and if for some reason it was the first time we were together that day things were always especially tender and soothing. He would talk softly to me never letting go. That was when I could let it all go, all the worries and fears and insecurities. All of that disappeared in the safety of his embrace. It was the safest place in the world.

I’ve barely eaten in the last two weeks. I haven’t cried since the day he left town. Not once. I don’t sleep very well anymore. It’s not so much the nightmares as it is the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach or heart. I don’t know, it’s...I’ve felt it before when he died, when I... killed him. Hopelessness. And then there are the dreams. You know when you’re not aware that you’re dreaming and because of that they feel even more real? I wake up with the feeling that life’s perfect ‘cause I’m with Angel and we’re happy. Of course that’s just in dreamland ‘cause Buffy and Angel don’t get bliss. It’s probably our fault. I mean how dare we love each other so much that being one give us perfect happiness, right?

My Slayer capacities are stretched to the limit and I know I can’t even defend myself much less take a vampire. I keep going. One more sweep. Maybe I have a death wish. Maybe I just hope he’ll show up and save me.

I walk trough the cemetery and every place brings a memory. I will never be able to do anything in this town without thinking of him.

I notice a familiar oak tree. The night before I slept at the mansion and we talked about the Prom we sat in the bench next to it. He told me about the green fields of Ireland, the easiness of the people and how they lived when he was human. Everything was so perfect that night.

I’ve managed to keep all the emotions bottled inside but every day it just gets harder and I feel like I’m dying.

A gentle rain starts to fall.

Why do I still remember everything with amazing detail? The way he took my clothes off and looked at me with wonder and hunger. The way he lay down on top of me, slowly, like he was afraid his weight would crush me. Our bodies in full contact, the sigh we both breathed in our bodies touched with no barriers. How he gently wiped a tear from my eyes when he entered me, his eyes moist and reflecting my emotions. The way we smiled afterwards, both us so happy and carefree. His promise of making me happy. The happiest I’d ever been. How we held on to each other whispering “I love you”.

I just want to breakdown. I want to let it all out and have someone to hold me through it. I want Angel to hold me.

All the pain I’ve been keeping suddenly rushes to me because it downs to me.

I’m never gonna feel Angel’s strong embrace.

I’m never gonna feel loved again.

I’m never gonna feel alive again.

The rain starts to fall harder but I don’t notice it. I’m running so fast my legs start to tremble and my bones ache. I don’t even think where I’m going until I come to a full stop in front of Giles’s. I ring the doorbell incessantly until his groggy face shows up. I see something like astonishment and concern crosses his eyes. I don’t look that bad. Do I?

“Buffy?! What happened? Please come in.”

I take a step inside vaguely aware of his rambling about towels and tea...The house is in such silence, it’s almost comforting.

“Buffy?”

He’s worried. Really worried and I don’t know why until I feel something going down my face. I’m crying?

Something resembling my voice breaks the deafening silence. “He’s not coming back, is he?”

There’s also pity in his eyes now. If it was a different moment I would have been angry with myself but right now I can’t bring myself to care. I just DON’T care anymore. It’s too much. It’s just too much.

“Oh Buffy...”

I’m crying openly and I feel like I’m drowning in all this pain.

“I just need someone to hold me. Just for a little. Please. Just...”

My legs finally give out, making me fall ungracefully in Giles’s floor. Almost immediately I feel strong arms surrounding me and my sobs just increase. I feel like I can’t breathe.

The rain keeps falling outside as I sit in the floor crying in the arms of the only real father I’ve had.

After that night I cried non-stop for a whole week. I didn’t eat, didn’t bathe, didn’t talk to anyone, not my mom, not Willow, Xander or even Giles. Sometimes I think I’m really going to die ‘cause there’s just no way anyone can survive this misery and it’s a consoling idea because it means it will stop hurting. College will start soon and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it. I feel like I’m a stranger to my friends and my Mom. Willow says College is a great new adventure, an opportunity to meet someone new (as in guy new). Mom has stated over and over again that Angel leaving was the best that could’ve happened “He was not right for you honey.” I’ve avoided Xander because the last thing I need at the moment is to hear one of his Dead boy’s jokes. So Angel’s has been gone for two and a half months without a word and I ‘m so numb.

It still haunts me: he didn’t even say goodbye.

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