Disclaimer: The Characters are all property of Twentieth Century Fox, Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and are used without permission.
Rating: General
Summary: “You don’t love him anymore… You can’t love him…”
Spoilers: None.
Timeline: After the end of BtVS and AtS.
Feedback: Please mail me: baalways@msn.com. I’ll appreciate it.
AN: This popped into my head due to a poem that I love which ends with something like the final line. I don’t remember who the poet is but the version I read was in Portuguese. If anyone’s interested init let me know and I’ll see if I can find a translated one. It’s weird and it just poured from me. In fifteen minutes this came out, I like the beginning but from there the damn thing wrote itself (and I do mean it in a good way!).
Thank you B, for your kind words and our beautiful friendship. Thank you for being you. Thank you Jo aka thelibrarian2003 for beta'ing this little thing for me. It still surprises me when well known authors take the time to say anything to unknown ones. Thank you for your words as well. Celtic Child, Trouble With Goodbye is back again! :) I missed it. Go check it ou, it's worth it.

You don’t love him anymore. You did, of course you loved him. How could you not? He was everything you had ever dreamed and more, sun allergy, immortality and bloodlust included...and a curse. How can you forget that? He made you feel loved (by his side you felt like you could take on the world) and safe (falling into his arms and wishing you could live there forever) and that alone should have told you it couldn’t last. How can a Slayer forget her inevitable end? How can a Slayer forget her fall?

But you don’t love him anymore.

Not after seeing a demon using his face and seeing the devastation in your (father) Watcher’s face. Not after you waved him goodbye, shoved a sword in his (heart) stomach and condemned both of you to eternal Hell. And you most certainly didn’t love him as he tore your heart out in a stinking sewer and left you behind, without a goodbye. (Without a word of hope.) Like you said to Willow, while choking in your own tears, it was probably for the best. But how could that serve of any consolation to your soul when the slayer isn’t strong enough to fight for her life and the girl feels dead already? How can you not hate him when your friends tell you it’s time to move on and leave his memory in the past? How can you not hate them?

Your heart breaks as you look at yourself in the mirror as you say it out loud. You don’t love him.

You want to shout at the goddamn Powers That Be for the absurdity. You can’t love him because you’ve died and still have the grave to prove it (even if it is currently under tons of dust). What does that make of you? What kind of a person dies and comes back still in love with the man who broke her heart more times than she cares to count? That scares you. You knew you would die loving him and accepted it but that was when you knew your life span was short. Now you have a chance of growing old and still can’t imagine loving anyone else. And now you can’t tell if your heart is hammering in your chest because you acknowledged that fact or because you can actually see him grow old along with you.

You look at your watch and realize he’s been waiting in the living room for the last fifteen minutes. The certainty comes to you along with the scars and the insecurities you’ve been trying to hide for years. It’s time to say goodbye.

You step into the living room and he turns from your window, surrounded by light, a nervous smile on his lips as you try to grasp the conviction that was in you a few seconds ago, but a tear trickles down your face…

(How many times have you hated him?)

He stares at you, concerned, every muscle tense, waiting.

(How many times have you loved him?)

You see him for the man he is, constantly trying to do what is right, never backing down from a fight. Never giving up. You see him for his soul. Torn and bruised, it still makes you tremble with its nearness.

You take a small step towards him and close your eyes when his smell touches you. You see him for his heart: yours. And a final smile begins to show.

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