Disclaimer: Not my characters... i'm a bit evil, but not that cruel.
Rating: PG
Summary: Angel and Buffy talk on the phone. Post "Once More With The Feeling" and "Offspring"
Spoilers: S6/S3 so far.
Author's Note: my therapy fic... trying to explain what happened...

Buffy gripped tight the broomstick, pausing a moment from her intense sweeping. It didn't bother her so much to do the household tasks, at least it gave her something to do during the day, when everyone was away; either working or at school.

She looked over at the clock. While cleaning the house and doing laundry kept her busy, time still didn't move faster. She had no interest in opening the TV and watch what's on. She kissed Spike. She kissed a demon; Buffy's mind went back to what really bothered her. She kissed a demon before- Angel. Angel is a man, not a demon. Spike is evil. Bad. Evil. Spike. Ugh! But at least... at least she's feeling *something* now. Disgusted, angry, sad. It was too long since she saw... Angel. Her mind went numb. Don't think about it. It's not real. Don't think about it.

Just as she was about to force her thoughts away and get back to cleaning the house, the phone started ringing. Can't be. Not now. It's not real. Don't think about it. Her mind was racing, and her heart was up to the competition.

"He-hello?" She gasped after letting the phone ring for a while.

No one spoke on the other side of the line. But she didn't hang up. "Hello?"

"Buffy..." Angel finally said, relieved.

"Angel..." Buffy's fingers tightened around the receiver. This isn't real. He's not real.

"I just... I had... I... God, this is so stupid..." Angel stammered.

"What's wrong?" She asked. It happened. Please God, no.

"Nothing." Angel said with no hesitation. "Nothing's wrong...-"

"Nothing like the time you woke up without your soul, nothing?" Buffy cut him out.

"I didn't lose my soul."

"Why did you call?"

"I... to see how you were... how are you?" He sounded awkward.

"You didn't just call for that."

"No... I ... I wanted... it's so stupid, just forget it." Again with the awkwardness.

"How was your week?" Buffy decided not to press.

"It was hmm.. splendid."

"That bad?"

"It was hell."

"Glad to see I'm not the only one..."

"Buffy, you need to talk to your friends-"

"Angel... you better... You don't know what happened... Anyway, now they know."

"I need to see you. We have to meet again."

"We can't. Angel... we can't push our-"

"Just to talk. I need... There are things I need to tell you. I can't talk about it with my friends. Did you... Did you tell your friends... what happened in our...?"

"They wouldn't understand. I just said it was intense... let them think whatever they want..." Buffy sighed.

"My fr- co-workers... they, well, I didn't say anything."

"So we're okay."

"Can I see you? It's just that... I'm not alone here... I'm never alone anymore..."

Buffy looked around at her empty, quiet house. "Looks like the tables have turned..."

"Buffy..."

"Angel, I don't wanna meet you again. I mean, not ever... just now. I'm... I'm trying... and it's so hard... I want to live, Angel..." Buffy's voice trembled.

"And I'm holding you back." Angel said bitterly.

"It's just that we can never... I wish we could... but it's just a fantasy... a fairy tale.. it's not real..."

"Fred thinks I'm attracted to Cordelia..." Angel blurted suddenly. "She thinks we're in love."

The phone slipped slowly from Buffy's hand. She grasped it just before it fell. She took a deep breath and forced herself to sound calm.

"Gosh, Angel... that's really comforting." She said quietly. "I really wanted to hear that. Is that why you wanted to see me?"

"No, Buffy... no." Angel rushed to say. "But that's why I called... I needed to know if it's true... and now I know..."

"That's great. Does Cordy know? Did you promise her you'd always love her? Even if she was covered with... slime?"

"Buffy, I'm not, I'm not in love with her. All it took was to call and hear your voice. And listen to your breath. I was confused for a while, because Fred was so convinced... and she's a scientist... but then I realized that I do love Cordelia, but only as a friend.. She's like family. Buffy... nothing would ever make me stop loving you. I just wanted you to know. That's why I called. I've been to hell and back, and I still love you."

Buffy swallowed her tears. "I... me too... I love you..."

"Don't cry... please?"

"It's not fair... It's not fair. Anya was evil...she was tormenting and killing people... and she... she found her love and she can be with him forever. What did I do Angel? What did I do to deserve this?" Buffy couldn't control herself. The tears streamed down her face, and she was sitting alone on the couch, in her desolate living room.

"You didn't do anything, it's not your fault."

"You're not the only one with a curse..."

"Don't say that. Good things will happen to you. Just give it some time."

"Good things... like Riley?"

Angel took a moment before responding. "You can do better. You can find-"

"What, someone *normal*?"

"Yes. Give it some time, there are too many things you worry about right now, you shouldn't worry about that right now."

"I kissed Spike."

"Um, okay, when you say *normal*, do you-"

"With tongue."

"I really didn't need to hear that."

"I'm sorry.... I told you... I'm screwed up... I'll end up being one of the psychos on the Jerry Springer show..."

"Oh, I saw him the other night... saved his ass from a few vampires..."

Buffy laughed. "Too bad... now they will keep doing the show..."

"Buffy, listen, life isn't easy. You told me yourself, remember? Strong is fighting, right? It's hard and painful..."

"...And it's everyday..." Buffy completed quietly. "You remember..."

"Of course I do. I remember everything. That's what keeps me going, why I go on fighting, even if things don't go my way. I put up a happy face for my friends... I act like they do... the show must go on. I used to feel dead inside too... I thought I lost everything and got nothing more to lose. I hit rock bottom... and I'm still here."

"I miss you. Even without.. You know, I still miss our talks... I miss patrolling with you. Most of the time I just put it out of my head... I try not to think about it... because it hurts too much to know that it's just an illusion... and it's not going to be more than... just a fantasy." Buffy sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "Just a dream."

"There's nothing wrong with dreaming. It could come true one day. If a vampire can get pregnant, it could come t-"

Buffy snorted and laughed. "A pregnant vampire? Heh. That's funny... so there's no chance my dreams will ever come true, eh?"

"Errr... well... you know, why I wanted to meet you? Because..." Angel murmured.

"Oh God, we talked for almost an hour.. It must cost you a fortune!" Buffy glared at the clock.

"Yeah, heh.. Long distance call. That's why..."

"Is it hard?" Buffy asked suddenly, after a moment.

"What is?"

"Learning to become human again."

"It's... not easy."

"Doesn't look easy..." Buffy sighed.

"Let your friends help you..."

"I don't want to put on a happy mask anymore. I want to be me. I want it to get easier for *me*."

"I believe in you. You'll make it. Just... don't, um, stay away from- uh, be careful when you're with Spike. You can't trust he's 100% good now. He doesn't have a soul, just remember this, okay? Just be careful."

"What about you?"

"I... I have some stuff... but, it's okay. I'll be all right."

"You better close now... Cordelia will get wigged out when she sees the phone bill..."

"Right."

"Okay, then."

"You're strong. You'll make it."

"You too."

"I'll call again tomorrow."

"Angel-"

"I'm paying the friggin bills anyway."

Buffy smiled, looking over at the window. It was a sunny day outside, the sky was amazingly blue.

"I'll be waiting." She whispered softly and got up.

As she hung up the phone, she threw it back to the couch and walked outside, to the sun. It wasn't too warm outside; the sunshine and the sky were quite deceiving. But for the first time in what looked like ages, she felt warm. Inside.

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