Disclaimer: Not my characters, but you already know that. It's a mad man's work.
Rating: R (chant with me- R is for riley who makes me sick), this is REALLY hard for some parts, it's also a satire, so don't flame me.
If you are easily offended and very touchy when it comes to violence and bad language, don't read this story. It's full of it.
Summary: uh.. see title?
Author's note: I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every moment of it. I do suffer from emotional breakdown.. Too much B/A depression for my liking, I feel drained and exhausted, and I can't tolerate colonel cowf*cker anymore.
Dedication: To.. Um lets see.. KIM my psychotwin, Alex for not knowingly giving me the idea, the other cool ppl- Crysta, Sweetz, Callie, Cass, Sam of course for introducing me to other rileyhaters, and if I forgot anyone I've talked with on ICQ, it's for you too, and all this list, that except for the unfun spoilers still keeps me happily insane.
The place looks like a neglected living room. A blue dusty carpet on the wooden floor, 5 chairs in a row… a buzz is heard in the room.
Cut to the audience. They are cheering. In the front row we can identify Spike (he wouldn't miss it for the [end of] world), Faith (she wouldn't miss it for the world too), Willow, Xander (making out with) , Anya, Giles (muttering something like 'good heavens, what am I doing in this cultural slaughter?' couldn't hear because of all the buzz around), Cordelia and Wesley ("Hey we gotta support our employer, we might get extra for that" – Cordy)
The noise fades slowly and the narrator starts speaking-
Narrator: And tonight on the show- the slayer is going to tell her boyfriend to drop dead, because her ex lover is back in her heart,
(Ooooooooooooo from the audience) but, she's in for some surprises because we brought some of her ex lovers companions, can you smell the blood shed?
(Blood? Did he say blood? Spike is suddenly intrigued)
Narrator: … And please welcome.. Jerrrrrrrrrry Springerrrrrrrrr!
(the audience go wild, Giles and Wesley duck in their places)
Jerry Springer enters the stage.
Jerry: Thank you, thank you. I love me. (someone throw panties on him- Oooh Willow?? We had no idea…) Oh thank you red.
Tonight we have here a talented young slayer, Buffy Summers (audience go wild), she finally going to tell her new boyfriend riley finn (audience boos) Wait, that's not it. (flips through his text) Oh my god, this is his real name! Wasn't he on our "Ma hates me" episode?
(shrugs), riley is a demon hunter, (But he's not a rouge demon hunter, there is only but one! – Wesley) but he doesn't know that his girlfriend's ex lover is a demon! And that she's still in love with him, visiting him in L.A, Actually she doesn't know that too! But all is revealed tonight! I just love me! Please welcome Buffy Summers!!!
The audience goes wild as Buffy enters the stage, fighting with a vampire, she pulls out a stake and dust him. The audience cheering loudly. She looks at them and bows.
Buffy: Thank you!
Jerry: She's the vampire slayer! In every generation there is only one-
Faith gets up and yells- Hey! I'm a vampire slayer too!!
Jerry: Two slayers?
Other girls stand up on their feet. "I'm a vampire slayer too!"
"Me too!" "I'm a slayer!!" "And me too!"
Jerry: But you're a guy
Guy: You chauvinist pig! It's the 21st century!
Jerry: I thought the slayers were females
Guy: Well I was!
Jerry: Okay, so, Buffy. You're the original vampire slayer"
Buffy: I was, but this season I don't know who I am anymore.
Jerry: What? You're gay?
Buffy: No! But it's worse, you see, in the previous seasons I was strong, I kept my identity a secret, I fought the bad guys, won every time, I could say no and mean it, I had a sexy drop undead boyfriend…
But this season.. I was beaten up and ran away already in the first episode! And evvvvverybody knows who I am, I have this mutant excuse for a normal human boyfriend (Spike gets up and claps his hands frantically), he thinks he's superb in bed (the audience goes EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW), I'm so needy, crying and it's just not me anymore.
Jerry: So you decided to put an end to it.
Buffy: Yeah, that's why I'm here.
Jerry: So you can tell riley who's the love of your life.
Buffy: Can't wait to see the look on his face!
Jerry: So let's invite him in! Ladies and Gentlemen! Please welcome Buffy's boyfriend, he's a commando in the secret organization called 'The Initiative' Watch your backs! This ain't no friendly G.I Joe! He's ugly, pig face, straw hair, bunny lip, he's on drugs, he's from Iowa, if your car honk dies, he can fill in, it's rillllllllllley FISH BOY finnnnn!!!!
The audience boos and starts throwing stuff at the stage as riley enters. Spike throw a tomato which hit riley on the head and explodes.
riley: Ouch!
Buffy and riley sit on the first 2 chairs.
riley: Buffy, you're here!
Jerry: Yes she's here, and she's got something to tell you.
riley: Hey! Jerry Springer! Woah! I was on your show once!
Jerry: Really? Don't you just love me?? I sure do! Which ep was it?
riley: I know it by heart it was "I love my cow", I was a minor then, so I sent in my big brother Billy Bob to play my part. You probably saw my cousins Bobby Bill and Mary Beth, and Mary Jane and Sue Allen and… My love Bessie, it was my first appearance in telev-
Snoring sounds coming from the audience.
Jerry: We have a moment of history in our show! The audience FELL ASLEEP!
The camera pans around the audience. Everyone are sleeping, heads against heads, saliva dribbling from open mouths, some people snore, other twitch…
riley: you meat eaters!
The audience waking up, and the show continues right after the commercial breaks.
Back.
Jerry: We're back! Have no fear, we have connected riley to our electricity box, if he doesn't behave < wide smile > fried pork!
Audience cheers.
Jerry: Buffy, you have something to tell riley?
Buffy: Yes. (facing riley) riley, I hate you. I never loved you. I wanted to kill you since I first dropped the heavy book on your head. Too bad you didn't get the message back then and it gone this far.
riley: What? But why? Don't you love me? Everyone loves me! Ma loves me, Billy Bob lov- (electricity on making-) bzzzzzzzzzzzzz OUCH!
Buffy: You do this annoying thing with your lips.
riley: What thing?
Buffy: this smile. Your lips like curls upwards and disappears. Scary!
riley: I was born that way! Everyone in our clan has these finn lips. Even my Bessie!
Buffy: Okay, whatever.
Jerry: What else do you want to tell riley? It's your chance to spill EVERYTHING! Don't you love me?
Buffy: You never wash your hair. Why can't you have a decent haircut? I thought you were supposed to be normal.
riley: But Ma said.. (bzzzzzzzzzzz) OUCH! (angrily) I didn't even complete my sentan- (bzzzzzzzzzzz) OUCH! QUIT IT! (BZZZZZZZZZ) OUCH! QUIT IT!
Buffy: would you stop honking for a second? You're so boring. I can't stand you. And frankly, the sex wasn't that good. Heck, it was gross, I felt like a…
Riley: Bessie thinks I'm good!
Buffy: I'm not Bessie!
riley: don't talk about her like that!
Buffy reach out to choke riley, she catches him by his lapels and shakes him. The audience cheers.
Buffy: I hate you!! DIE!!!
He pushes her and she slaps him, he tries to punch her buut she blocks it and punches him back.
Jerry: Yes! Yes! More! More!
Buffy straightens her clothes and goes back to sitting. Riley does the same.
Jerry: Was that ALL you wanted to tell riley?
Buffy: No. (turning to riley) I'm in love with someone else. I thought that if I hang out with you, I'd forget him, but it didn't help.
riley: What?? Who? Why? Don't you lov- (bzzzz) OUCH!
Buffy: His name is Angel.
The audience goes wild, cheering and whistling. "He's my boss!"- Cordy announces.
Buffy: He's sexy, gorgeous more than words can say, and he's a vampire.
riley: Wh-wh-what??? A VAMPIRE??? YOU'RE DUMPING ME FOR A VAMPIRE???
He reach out and grasp her shirt she throw him away.
Buffy: He has a soul. He can't have sex, but I don't think I ever wanna have sex again after you showed me just how disgusting it is, so we can be back together. I gotta thank you for it.
Jerry: Let's invite Angel in.
The girls in the audience go wild. A group of girls stand up and clap hands hysterically. They are wearing a t-shirts that say "BITE ME!"
Angel walks in, wearing black shirt.
Angel (waves to the group of girls): Hey Anat! Kim! Alex! Sweetz! Sorry I couldn't find my leather pants… any of 'em!
The girls put their hands around the (leather) pants they wearing and hurry to sit down.
Angel walks over to the place where Buffy and riley are sitting. He leans and kisses Buffy, while riley is watching in awe.
Angel: Hello lover
Buffy: Angel…
He smiles and takes the sit on the other side of riley, snarling at him.
Buffy gets up, forces riley on his feet and pushes him to her chair, now she's sitting close to Angel.
riley: so that's Angel? He's a hottie!
Buffy: Go fuck your tractor or something, he's mine!
Jerry: Angel, it's a pleasure having you here!
Buffy (smiling): I'm pleasantly numb!
She looks confused.
Buffy: woah, deja vu!
Jerry: Angel, you got something to tell Buffy?
Angel looks at her.
Angel: In 245 years, I never loved anyone but you, (Audience: awwww) even though they tried to attach me to some-
The door breaks in, we see kate and jheira falling in, fighting.
Kate: he's mine! I was there before!!
Jheira: Fuck off bitch! He's mine!
Kate punches her and jheira punches her back, they fall and land in front of Angel and Buffy.
They both raise their heads with an oafish stare.
Kate and jheira: hi Angel! What a nice surprise!
Angel sighs and turns to Buffy: I've never stopped loving you.
Buffy (blinking back tears): Me too… I just can't forget you…
The audience goes AWWWWWWWW.
Jerry: Angel, you still have something to say to Buffy.
Angel: I can't believe you had sex with this dork
Riley: hey! Who you're calling dork! You're a vampire!
A tomato hits him on the face.
riley: Ouch!
jhiera: Who's that pig?
kate: who's that burning hunk of love?
jhiera: What? You're actually attracted to him? My horny signal died at the sight of him.
kate: he's a pig, I'm a cop, we're a match! 'sides, Angel is taken, you horny excuse for an alien!
kate runs over to riley and kisses him. Riley drops her and she falls on her butt.
riley: I'm a one man's cow! I mean, one cow's man!
kate pulls out a gun, riley pulls out his gun, they start to struggle, shouting are heard, the illuminator in charge drops dead to the floor from above. The staff gets on the stage to separate kate and riley.
kate: so that's it? I get nothing??
jhiera: You get a fireball!
Jhiera burns kate to death, the audience is cheering wildly as kate dies. ("can I drink here? Bloody hell did she have to have all the fun for herself!" Spike mutters and Willow pats his shoulder)
Jhiera walks over to Buffy. Now is your turn! It's time for Angel to move on! You bring him nothing but suffering! I can be perfect for him! He belongs with me!
She tries to burn Buffy, but Angel vamps out, roaring at her then he gets up and quickly snaps her neck.
The audience goes wild, and Angel reverts back to his human face.
Jerry: Wow and the body count is rising! Angel, do you have something else to say? We know it, But Buffy doesn't.
Angel: Buffy, when I… when you came to L.A and were in my office…
riley: What? You went to his office while we were dating?
The two ignore him, looking intensely at each other.
Angel: The Morah demon's blood mixed with mine and I was human…
Buffy: What??
Angel: We made love a few times even on my kitchen table…
Cut to the audience. Ooooooooh. Cordy: What kitchen table? *His* kitchen table? OH MY GOD! I ate on this table! Wesley: Surely we must have inserted love fluids into our nourishment by eating on it.
Buffy: Then how come I don't remember?? I could never forget that!
Angel: I was weak as a human, and couldn't help you fight, so I asked the oracles.. the Powers that be, to turn back the day and it never existed.
Buffy slaps him on the face.
Angel: What was that for?
Buffy: Can't you be more selfish sometimes?? I fought alone before!
Jerry: Yes! Spill out everything! More! More! Dish! Dirt!
riley: so what? They think their love is forbidden?? Because of this stupid thing called nature, Bessie and I can't have a normal life. We can't get married and have children. She needs to find a - (bzzzzzz) OUCH!
Buffy: Angel, I love you. I could never have a normal life, can't you see? I need you. I need you to be myself again, be strong.
Angel: The Morah demon told me that together we are strong, and that the end of days are coming. You would have died a lot earlier if I weren't using my vampire's strength.
Buffy: So, ok, you're a vampire again. But we could still be together. Forever. That's the whole point.
Crowd goes AWWWWWWWWWW.
Angel: I left so you could have a normal life, find a normal guy.
riley gets up, smiling widely.
Buffy: What normal guy? He? Puh-lease! Who brainwashed you into this?
Crowd starts coughing: Joyce. Joyce. Joyce. Joyce.
Buffy: Mom?? She's behind it???
Jerry: And we have here- Joyce Summers! Author of the best-seller "101 ways to make your teenage better-looking-than-you daughter miserable and make her sexy boyfriend who you sadly can't have for yourself leave town".
Joyce enters the stage, the audience starts to throw stuff at her, including a chair, it hits her on the head and she breaks her neck and dies. Audience cheers loudly.
Buffy: Damn, I wanted to do that!
Jerry: I think we still have some stuff to reveal. Don't you?
Audience coughs. Willow. Willow. Willow. Willow.
Willow: What? I didn't do anything!
Audience coughs again. Liar. Liar. Liar. Liar.
Willow (whiningly): I didn't lie!
riley: you never told Buffy I like cheese!
Jerry: If memory serves, Angel got poisoned last year…
Faith gets up and throws her hands in the air. "I did it!"
Jerry: He mistaken you for Buffy, and said..
Willow: Oh! I remember now! He said he didn't want to leave and that he needed her. I forgot about that.
The audience boos and throws stuff at her. She ducks, and a knife scratches Spike's arm. "Hey! Watch the heart you bloody ignorant squab! Can't you aim??"
Buffy: What? Will? Why didn't you tell me? I thought you were my best friend!
Willow: I was too busy! I forgot!
Buffy: Too busy? Doing what?
Audience coughs. Oz. Oz. Oz. Oz.
Buffy: Oz?
Willow: I…
Someone in the crowd shouts: She was too busy screwing Oz!
Willow: But what it has to do with anything? It's over now, and it's not like I lied. I was just too self-absorbed to remember.
Jerry: Speaking of liars… Xander, some of our audience, still remember what you did last summer.
Xander: Me?
Jerry: I'll refresh your memory. Angel was evil. Buffy needed to kill him, but Willow decided to do the curse and sent you out to tell Buffy she's doing the curse and keep Angelus away from…
Buffy: You told me Willow said kick his ass!!
Willow: You lied to her?? I've never said kick his ass! That I'm sure of!
Angel: It's of the past. I forgive you.
Buffy (mutters): Just for the record, I don't.
She faces Angel and takes his hands in her: I killed you.
Angel: I came back.
Buffy: Stay with me?
Angel: I'll never leave you. Not even if you kill me.
Buffy: I love you.
Angel: I love you too.
They start kissing, the kiss deepens to the squeals and claps and cheers from the audience.
Jerry: Wait, wait. It's my show! Don't you love me??
A cow enters the stage.
riley: OH MY GOD! IT'S BESSIE!!!!!
Bessie: Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!!!
The cow runs straight to Jerry and.. um.. (is there a rating above R?)
Jerry: OUCH!!!! SHE ATE MY BALLS!
riley: Bessie! I'm here, honey! Don't you recognize me?
Bessie: Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!!!
riley: What??? You love Jerry??? NO!!! YOU'RE MINE!!!
riley walks over to Jerry Springer and punches him, breaking his glasses. Jerry punches back. They start fighting. The soundman falls from his high stage and the big furry microphone falls on Jerry and breaks his neck. He dies.
The audience goes wild and herds the stage.
Spike motioning with his hand: Kill him!!! Kill him!!
riley leaps onto Bessie's back.
riley: run Bessie run!
The crowd surrounds them and they dropping riley from Bessie's back.
The audience starts beating the crap out of riley.
Cut to Angel and Buffy. They are still kissing each other passionately, totally immersed in one another, not caring for the whole ado around them.
The crowd starts stabbing riley with their sporks and he screams of pain and agony.
The cameramen try to calm down the people. A few staff members are putting kate, jheira, joyce and Jerry in body bags.
Finally the crowd goes back to sit in their places.
Angel and Buffy are still kissing passionately with lots of tongue and spit trails. Buffy is sitting on Angel's lap and her hands are around his neck. He hugs her waist.
riley started taking out sporks from his body.
riley: that hurts! I can't stand the pain!
He takes a few more sporks from his ass and his back. He throws the sporks he took out behind him.
Bessie: Muhh…
riley turns around, seeing he accidentally hit Bessie in her chest with the spork. He runs to her.
riley: Bessie!!
Bessie: muh..uh
And she dies in his arms. If the soundman was still alive you could have heard melodramatic soap music, but since he's dead, you can only hear riley's honking, er talking.
riley: Oh my god! I killed Bessie!!!! What have I done? Why God why? Have I not been a faithful subject? Have I not gone to church every Sunday? Have I not…
Crowd: SHUT UP riley finn!!!
riley sobs. He takes the spork that killed Bessie and stabs himself, falling on her corpse.
The audience cheers. Angel and Buffy break their kiss finally. They are getting up on their feet and walking hand in hand out of the studio.
The crowd clapping hands and whistling.
Narrator: I sadly announce, that due to the sudden demise of Jerry Springer, and significant crew members, the Jerry Springer Show will no longer air. Our condolences to the pure and incorrupt people in the United States of America and abroad, if there are left any.
The crowd starts leaving the place, stepping on riley's corpse on the way.
FADE OUT.
Go to the sequel The Invasion Of The Ex Lovers 2