CATEGORY: Angst
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Buffy, Angel or any other BTVS characters. I'm just experimenting with them for a bit. So PLEASE DON'T sue.
RATING: PG, slightly 13+
SUMMARY: Angel's thoughts and feelings as he leaves Buffy at the end of Graduation P2. Angel's POV.
SPOILERS: Up to the end of Season 3.
FEEDBACK: Make me happy and please oblige. :-) :-) :-)
DISTRIBUTION: Ask and ye shall receive.
AUTHOR¡¦S NOTE: This is a sad, angsty tale. But since I wrote it at 3am in the morning when I was depressed over my own love troubles, it's sort of a comfort fic. DON'T read if you want your happy mood intact.
DEDICATION: Buffy, Angel and weirdly enough Josh, without who, we wouldn't have Buffy & Angel to write fanfic about. But everyone knows we could do without so many acid trips.
Anyway, on with the story...

I just stood there looking at her, looking at what I was giving up. I thought about all the joy, all the love. I saw the utter sadness that filled her beautiful hazel green eyes, the eyes that were once filled with love and contentment at each of our forbidden, but always anticipated midnight rendezvous.

It seemed like an eternity before I turned around and started walking in the opposite direction.

The path that would never be anything but a pale shadow of bliss and contentment that lay in the other.

But despite all I was leaving behind, I knew I had to.

For her happiness and more importantly for her continuing her life in the most experienced and enjoyed regard.

If I don't hang onto that last shred of strength I have left. If I turn around, back into her arms and kiss her.

Then after I manage to regain my vocal abilities, I apologise profusely.

I apologise for all the completely idiotic thoughts I had had of leaving her. Of letting her find someone else to love and care for

I can't be that selfish.

That cruel, to make Buffy stay with me and waste her very existence with the likes of a cursed-with-a-soul vampire, a 243 year old creature of the night boyfriend, as Buffy had once stated on one of our meetings.

No, I wouldn't do it to her; I love her too much, too much to do anything so callous.

I am darkness, despair, and brutality, and she, she's light, hope and compassion.

We were only thrown together by some twisted act of fate.

We tried to stay away, to keep going on with our lives. Well, Buffy was the one who actually had the life. I was just a creature of darkness and bloodlust, who's only purpose was to exist, and to slay the occasional demon or vampire.

Anyway, we tried, but in the end it became unbelievably hard to keep our distance, and we finally gave into our desire.

I don't know if I regret it or not, on one hand, looking at how it ended, is ending. It's one of the worst things that could have happened.

Because now, because of what I've done Buffy will feel such pain and loss.

Pain and loss that I caused, by coming into her life. Loving her, trusting her and in return winning her love and trust.

Then, I betray her and make her feel unimaginable suffering.

Now, because of my leaving her because of reasons she can't understand her heart and soul will be appallingly scarred.

I'm not trying to sound egotistic.

On the other it was one of the best things that could have happened.

Living all these years, I haven't seen many people who have truly loved each other. It has been such a rare thing to see that when it happens it has to be preserved and cherished.

And when it happened for Buffy and I, it was.

But when, I turned evil, went to hell and came back. I realized that even though I loved Buffy more than life itself I had to think of her before myself.

So that's why I'm doing this now, walking away and leaving my one true love.

I hold on to my resoluteness, and walk, I walk until I am out of sight.

Then for a split second I turn and glance behind me.

I see that the person I hold most dear has also turned and started walking in the other direction, the direction I will never go in again.

I turn and start walking again, this time not stopping.

I can almost feel my undead heart beat with anguish, and for a moment the pain of it is too much.

But only for a moment...

What'd you think? Love it? Hate it? Somewhere in between?Write me and tell me your opinion. But No Flames Please!This young aspiring writer does NOT take STRONG criticism well.

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