RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, don't sue.
DISTRIBUTION: Ask and ye shall receive
FEEDBACK: I crave it. It's like cigarettes, ya know? Just when I think I've quit....
SPOILERS: My story 'The Wish' &, just to be safe, say everything up to 'The Prom'
NOTES: I suppose you don't have to read 'The Wish' to read this but it would probably help.
SUMMARY: Angel's thoughts after Buffy tells him what happened to her before she made her wish.

How can she still love me?

I ruined her life! Shattered her innocence and forced her to face a darkness that nobody should ever know and yet she lies here in my arms, trusting me above all others and tells me that only with me does she feel safe.

After everything that I – that he – did, her greatest pain is reserved for me. Guilt haunts her because she believes that she wronged ME. Grief tears at her for the pain that I endured in that other world and her heart still bleeds from the place where she struck my other self down to stop Acathla. She had no choice, she knows that and yet I see in her eyes that she will never truly forgive herself for not finding another way.

I know all about guilt, I've lived with it for almost a hundred years and I would give all that I am to wipe its ugly stain from her soul but there is nothing I can do except hold her as she cries and reassure her that I'm here.

I never wanted her to know that side of me. Never wanted her to touch the pure evil that dwells within my body, but she has. It shows in her eyes, I have no real secrets from her now. She knows me almost as well as I know myself, knows me better than anyone else ever has and while there is pain in that knowledge there is joy as well. I wish that I could have shielded her from the darkness within me, protected her from the cruelty of my demon and yet…

There is true intimacy between us now. She can read me in a way she never could before and can tell what I'm thinking from the look in my eyes. She knows the very worst of me and loves me still. I no longer fear that her youth or my darkness will drive us apart, that she will find that what she thought was love was nothing more than a schoolgirl fascination with the forbidden. Only the very truest love could endure so much and still look at me with unshadowed eyes. She loves me! The thought fills my unbeating heart with warmth and for the first time in longer than I can remember I feel…human.

Her love gives me hope, for she is too good, too pure and true to love a monster. When she looks at me she sees a man not a beast and I trust her instincts. In her eyes I find my redemption, by her side I find my purpose and in her arms, I find my home.

I don't deserve her, I know that, but by some miracle I'm what she wants. Before she fell asleep she told me over and over again that I'm the only person in the world with whom she feels totally safe and happy and as long as that's true, I'll be here.

I can't leave her, I know that I should but I can't. My place is in the shadows and I should never have allowed myself to bask in the warmth of her love but it's too late. I suggested it just after she told me what had happened and I'll never do it again. The moment the words were out I wished that I could call them back because she looked like I'd just reached into her chest and ripped out her still beating heart. Her words will haunt me forever. She looked at me; her beautiful hazel eyes filled with tears, and said, "I can't survive losing you again. I've rearranged the world so that I could get you back, if that isn't enough then I have nothing left! You might as well kill me now because I can't survive without my heart. I've tried it before, I won't do it again."

She meant it! Oh, God, she meant it. I never thought I'd see despair in her eyes, she's so strong, so much stronger than I am, but it was there.

She's changed so much; the last vestiges of her childhood and security have been shattered. She knows now that she can never tell her mother what she is, the pain of that rejection is still too strong, the awkwardness following it too much to live through a second time.

I don't understand why she doesn't hate me, why she doesn't run from me in fear or do her duty and kill me but in the end, it doesn't matter. Angel may be my name but it is her nature. She has a purity of the soul that I've never had, even when I was human, and in some ways I worship her for that. I know she'd hate it if I told her that but it's true. I look into her eyes and I see heaven shining back at me.

She didn't want to tell me what had happened but I think that she glad she did. She said that I'd blame myself for what the demon had done, and I guess she's right about that but she's so adamant that it wasn't my fault – or my 'other self's' fault – that it's not a bad as it could be. I know that if I actually remembered doing all the terrible things she told me about the guilt would cripple me but as it is I am almost able to pretend that it was someone else.

Her expression is peaceful as she sleeps in my arms; her warm body snuggled against my cold one, exhausted by the stress of reliving the most traumatic months of her life. I can't believe how close we are to one another now! We cried in each other's arms, all our defences down. We are no longer two but one, a single soul divided between two bodies.

She's suffered so much! My poor love has had to learn the meaning of betrayal. So many people have let her down but by some miracle she's not bitter. She hasn't learned to hate. I know that I have no right to be angry – my betrayal was the first and greatest of them all – but I am. It seems that the people she should have been able to trust the most all let her down.

Her mother turned her out in her time of greatest need, her friends were selfish when she returned in pain, Xander tried to get this other Slayer, Faith to kill my 'other self' when he learned of his return, her mother tried to burn her at the stake, Giles put the council's orders ahead of her welfare and Faith not only went over to the Mayor's side but tried to return Angelus.

I understand Xander's sentiments and even agree with them but that didn't change the fact he had deliberately done something that he knew would cause Buffy pain, as had Giles. I worry about Faith. If anything happens to Kendra – and it probably will since she has nowhere near Buffy's skill – Faith will be called. Can we change things this time? Can we save her from herself? Only time will tell but for Buffy's sake I hope so. She feels that she failed Faith, though I know that she did everything that she could, more than anyone could have expected of her.

All I've ever wanted was to protect her, to shield her heart and body from pain and yet I've hurt her more than anyone else ever has. I pray that the worst is over, I doubt that anyone hears the prayers of demons but if they do then she'll never know another unhappy moment for as long as she lives. Thanks to her we know much of what's coming over the next year, that gives us a grace period and I intend to make the most of it. She gets to relive over a year of her life and I intend to make sure that this time the memories are good ones.

I know that she'll always have to fight, it's both her destiny and her nature. I don't think that Buffy's capable of standing by when she knows that she could help. For her sake I wish that she had never been called as Slayer, never had to know the darkness and fight for her life, but if she hadn't then I would never have known her. She told me that being with me made everything else worthwhile and that is doubly true for me. I didn't live before I saw her – I existed. For as long as she lives I shall be with her, for as long as she fights I shall fight by her side, for as long as she loves I shall cherish her and on the day her life ends, so shall mine.

She stirs in my arms and presses a warm kiss to my chest before lifting her head to smile at me, that special smile that she reserves only for me, which lights up her face and my heart.

How can she give so much after all she's endured?

How can she still trust me after so much pain?

How can light love the darkness?

There are no answers to my questions but I suppose that it doesn't matter. For whatever reason, she has found me worthy of her love; miracles shouldn't be questioned and that's what she is – my Miracle. The greatest blessing that I have ever known…My Love.

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