RATING: 15, warning, features main character deaths. ANGST AHEAD!!
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, don't sue
DISTRIBUTION: Ask and ye shall receive
FEEDBACK: I crave it! It's like cigarettes, you know? Just when I think I've quit…
SPOILERS: IWRY say everything up to Hero just to be safe. No real S4 spoilers.
NOTES: Riley who?
NOTES2: I just watched IWRY and this stems from what Mohra said 'Together you were powerful, alone you are dead' -- Joss's definition of 'together' differs from mine.
NOTES3: Heroes happened but Angel prevented Doyle's sacrifice and destroyed the thingy some other way. I can't be more specific 'cos I haven't seen that ep yet.
SUMMARY: Angel feels Buffy die.

He could feel her; she was always with him like a song in his heart. Comforting him even though they were apart. Suddenly he felt a tearing pain deep inside such as he had felt only once before when his soul had been ripped away. The physical pain lessened but the emotional pain that replaced it was far worse. She was gone. The song had ended and he was alone in the silence.

With a scream of grief Angel fell to his knees, oblivious to the concerned reactions of Doyle and Cordelia. She was gone and all he could think was that he had had the chance to make her happy – to make them both happy – and he had thrown it away. He had sacrificed his humanity so that she might live and yet she had died anyway. Alone.

He had no idea how long he knelt weeping on the floor, time had no meaning to him now but eventually he got to his feet and moved mechanically to the phone. Cordelia started to speak but when he turned to look at her the empty expression in his eyes silenced even her.

Picking up the phone he dialed a familiar number and after a few rings he was answered by an equally familiar voice saying hello.

"Giles." Angel's voice was toneless as he acknowledged the other man and after a moment Giles asked questioningly, "A-Angel? What can I do for you?"

It suddenly dawned on Angel that Giles didn't know. The possibility hadn't occurred to him before because his awareness of what had happened was so strong that it seemed impossible that the other people who loved her couldn't feel it too. A distant part of his mind regretted the fact that he was, once again, about to cause Giles pain even as he said in the same dead voice, "I'll be in Sunnydale as soon as possible but right now you have to find Buffy. She mustn't be left…" his voice broke as some of the anguish he was feeling escaped his rigid control, and he finished hoarsely, "she mustn't be left alone."

"Angel, what's going on?" Giles asked in concern. "Buffy's on patrol, she should be back any time now…"

"No…" Angel groaned "You're wrong, you don't understand. I felt her, I felt her…"

He trailed of, unwilling to say it out loud and Giles asked sharply "Felt her what? Angel, what is going on?"

Angel closed his eyes and swallowed thickly as he said in a whisper "I felt her die."

For a moment there was utter silence on the other end of the line, then there was a clatter as Giles obviously dropped the phone and for an instant he could hear the sound of running feet before silence descended once more.

Satisfied that Buffy would not be alone for much longer Angel hung up the phone and turned to face his friends. Cordelia was crying and Doyle's face was lined with concern but neither spoke, each realised that there were no words that could ease Angel's pain.

He looked at them both for a moment then said simply, "I have to go" and turned towards the door.

Just as he touched the door handle Cordelia spoke, her voice husky with sorrow and choked with tears. "We'll never see you again, shall we? You won't be coming back."

Angel hesitated and then turned to look at her. He didn't answer but the truth was clear in his eyes – his life had ended with Buffy's. "Take care of each other," he instructed and then left the room without a backward glance, not seeing Cordelia throw herself into Doyle's arms and sob on his shoulder.

~~~

Under normal circumstances the drive from L.A. to Sunnydale took just over an hour. Angel made it in less than half that time, although afterwards he had no memory of doing so. Driving with automatic skill, his gaze turned inwards as he relieved every moment he had ever spent with Buffy. From the day that he had first seen and watched over her in secret, to their joyous day less than two months before when the blood of a demon had made him mortal.

As he arrived at the outskirts of town a single thought began to repeat over and over in his mind, growing louder until it drowned out everything else: 'I never should have left her.'

He didn't waste time going to Giles' instead he followed his instincts and turned the car in the direction of the Bronze where he parked and walked the few blocks to the ally where he and Buffy had first met. As he turned the corner a scene from his worst nightmare met his gaze.

Giles sat holding Buffy's badly mutilated form him his arms, rocking her back and forth with tears streaming down his face while Willow and Xander crouched beside her, weeping. The air was redolent with the scent of blood but for once it stirred no hunger within him as even his demon mourned her loss. It had, in its own, twisted way, loved her and been driven to madness by the knowledge that she would never be his.

Unnoticed by the others, Angel approached slowly, wanting to run, to pretend that it wasn't real but the emptiness within him could not be denied. It was even more real than the scene before him, a gaping wound that would never close an emptiness that could never be filled. All around him was the evidence of a great battle, the bodies demons mingled with the dust of vampires, evidence that his love had not gone down easily and she had not gone down alone but in the end had been defeated by sheer force of numbers.

Buffy lay at the centre of the carnage. When he reached her side Angel fell to his knees and the others moved aside to give him room as even Xander recognised that, great as their loss was, his was far greater. Tears streamed down his face but he was unaware of them as he reached out to gently stroke her blood-matted hair away from what remained of her once beautiful face.

"Buffy, forgive me!" he whispered "I should have been here." He reached for her hand and raised her crushed fingers to his lips. He felt the cold touch of metal and looked down to see that she still wore his ring. Sobs wracked his body at this sign that, despite everything, she had still loved him and he gathered her into his arms and held her tightly against his unbeating heart. The heart that she had revived and taught to love and which was now broken beyond repair.

Sirens sounded in the distance and he reluctantly released his hold on her. Pressing a gentle kiss into her hair he said quietly, knowing how she would hate what he was about to do, "I'm sorry, my Love, but there's no place for me in this world without you. I don't have the strength to be without you." With that he got to his feet and disappeared into the shadows where he could watch all that occurred without being seen. There was too much to be done for him to waste time with the police when he was well aware that there was nothing they could do.

He watched as Buffy's body was loaded into a van and driven away by policemen who carefully failed to notice the other, non-human bodies as they muttered to each other about an attack by some kind of wild animal. Only when the ally was still and silent once more, did he move to leave.

~~~

Angel walked into Willy the Snitch's bar and the cowardly bartender took one look at them grim look on his face and started talking as fast as he could. He'd had vamps coming in all night, wanting to talk about what had been done to the Slayer or bragging about their part in it. Hardened though he was by the nature of his clientele, the little snitch had felt physically sick when he heard what had been done to her body and he would have helped Angel even if he had not feared his life. Despite the beatings she had given him on several occasions, he had liked the Slayer and looked forward to her infrequent visits for information.

Death walked the streets of Sunnydale that night and for three nights after it, as for the first time soul and demon worked together to seek revenge upon the ones who had killed the woman they loved. Those who had been so quick to brag when they thought he was out of town suddenly fell silent, hoping that he would pass them by but it did not save them.

Nests burned, demons died and the unearthly denizens of the Hellmouth fled in terror from a demon that none of them could match. At first some of the braver vampires banded together to try and take him out but it was futile. Angel's rage was so great that he was not even aware of the wounds that they managed to inflict as he demonstrated his prowess with a sword. Only one person, in all his long life, had ever been able to match him with that weapon and though there were many of them, they could not come close to matching her abilities.

Some died quickly, others prayed for death as he allowed his demon's creative side free reign upon the ones who had actually been involved. Even when the sun rose he didn't rest. Instead he patrolled the sewers and after the fist day the undead community competed fiercely for places to spend the sunlit hours which did not have access to the sewers, finding the lack of an escape preferable to the possibility of having to face Angelus.

~~~

Buffy's funeral was held at noon four days after her death. Giles and the others had asked Joyce to arrange it for after the sun had set so that Angel could attend but her eyes had gone hard at the mention of his name and she had insisted that it take place when the sun was at its peak. Then she had blamed them all for what had happened told them that after the funeral she hoped she never saw them again and retreated into a bottle of Jack Daniels.

She was still drunk at the funeral, giggling uncontrollably as the coffin was lowered into the ground, mumbling incoherently about vampires and asking why she couldn't have had a normal daughter. The turnout had been huge, people who barely knew Buffy but in some subconscious way were aware of what she had done for them, looked on in disgust and wondered how such a special girl could have had such an awful mother.

Angel wondered the same as he watched from the shade a mausoleum and bitterly regretted ever listening to Joyce when she had told him to leave. Now, when it was far too late, he realised that she hadn't wanted what was best for Buffy, she had wanted to retain her control over her daughter.

He looked for her father but there was no one who resembled the pictures that Buffy had shown him and he was forced to conclude that, in death as in life, he had been too busy to make the time for his daughter. Then his gaze fell on Giles and his anger died as he realised that her father had been there all along, it was only the sperm donor who was absent. Buffy had been unlucky in her parents but she had had friends who filled the spaces they left in her life.

The service was over, the grave and been filled and, instinctively, the mourners turned to offer their sympathy, not to her mother, but to Giles and her other friends. Joyce didn't even notice she just sat where she was and took an occasional swig from the whisky bottle she held clutched in her hand.

Slowly the crowd thinned until only Giles, Willow, Oz, Cordelia, Doyle, Xander, Anya and an unconscious Joyce remained. Oz had come as soon as he heard and Cordelia had asked Doyle to bring her almost as soon as Angel had left the office. They all clung to their significant others for support, ignoring Joyce and making a point to support Giles between them. The Watcher seemed to have aged twenty years in less than a week and it was clear that they were worried about him.

They stood together by the graveside for a long time. Angel's excellent hearing allowed him to listen as they reminisced about how they had met Buffy and the time they had spent together. His own name was mentioned often and he was surprised to discover that most what they said of him was positive. They all agreed that he never should have left her, even Xander but at the same time, they admitted that they had believed he was right at the time.

At some point during the afternoon Joyce had finished her bottle and staggered of to find a new one and, as the sun set, Angel emerged from the shadows to join them by the grave. They parted to make room for him and then closed ranks around him, making him a part of the group and it was only then that he realised that they had been waiting for him.

Cordelia momentarily released Doyle to give him a hug but she didn't speak, recognising that some wounds went too deep to be helped by words. The unspoken knowledge that this would be the last time any of them would see the ensouled vampire in this lifetime hung in the air and one by one, they silently said their goodbyes.

Willow gave him a hug and Oz and Xander both shook his hand. Giles began to do the same and then pulled him into an embrace and muttered huskily in his ear, "Thank you for being the greatest source of happiness in her life. Despite everything, when she was with you, she glowed, it's like she was only half alive the rest of the time."

"Thank you, Giles." Angel's voice was little more than a whisper, "Take care of yourself…and them," he added, glancing at the others.

Giles nodded and stepped back as Doyle took his place. The half-demon's eyes were damp as he looked at his unlikely friend, "It ain't right, man. You don't deserve to suffer like this." He hugged him and said in a choked voice, "Thank you. For my life…and for bringing me to Cordelia."

"No, Doyle, thank you for being my friend." He looked round at them all and added, "Thank you all, for being the best friends I've ever known. I…I've left you something at the Mansion if you want you can fetch it tomorrow. I thought…you might want the…memories."

They all looked at him curiously but no one asked and, recognising Angel's need to be alone, they gazed sadly at first him and then the grave before turning to leave. By unspoken agreement they all headed towards Giles' house as none of them wished to be alone with their thoughts that night and, as they were all sure that sleep was impossible, they needed to be among other people who understood just how much the world had lost.

~~~

Angel didn't hunt that night, he didn't move from her side. All the demons had fled in terror of his anger but it wouldn't have mattered if they had not. All night he talked quietly, telling her everything that was in his heart, and when the sun rose, heralding the start of a bright new day, he stood to face it for the first time in over 244 years. As his body burned he was hardly aware of the pain, his mind filled with thoughts of Buffy. As he crumbled into nothingness the ring slipped from his finger and landed on the simple marble plaque which marked her grave. As it landed, instead of bouncing, it seemed to grow and sink into it until only the symbol of their love remained, embedded for all time within the marble just below her name and above the words, "She gave everything for us all".

It was a simple statement of fact, a truth of which the billions who owed her their very existence would never be aware. Any more than they would be aware of the vampire who had loved her and whose dust now drifted down to cover her grave, dulling the brightness of the flowers that covered it.

~~~

Unseen by Angel, seven friends watched and wept as he joined his beloved Buffy in death. They had not meant to come but as dawn approached Doyle and Cordelia had met each other's eyes and left the gathering at Giles' to say a final farewell to their friend. Before they had gone more than a few steps the rest of them had joined them.

When they reached the graveyard they stopped, suddenly unable and unwilling to approach Angel. All the words had been said and there was an expression of peace on his face as he looked towards the rapidly lightening horizon. Cordelia flinched and buried her face in Doyle's chest and everyone looked away as flames consumed their friend. When they looked back, he was gone.

They slowly made their way to the graveside and then gasped at what they saw. A silver claddagh, about two inches in diameter was embedded in the stone and below the writing that had been there before was the single word, "Forever".

A slight breeze stirred the air but the dust on the grave never moved and when a leaf seemed about to land on it, it suddenly veered away as though repelled by some unseen force. A slight smile touched Doyle's face and he said softly, "I guess they're together now."

~~~

Epilogue

The Mansion was empty; the layers of dust giving it a forlorn appearance. Nothing remained to show that anyone had ever lived there except the very large cardboard box that rested in front of the fireplace. They approached slowly; almost afraid to find out what he had left for them. So much had happened in the last few days that their emotions were almost numb and they feared the return of feeling, unsure how much more pain their battered hearts could take.

They looked at one another and then, one by one, the eyes of the teenagers turned to Giles. Reading the silent message in their gaze he stepped forwards and carefully lifted the flaps of the box so that he could look inside. His eyes filled with tears and the others looked at him anxiously but, despite his tears, he was smiling as he reached in and withdrew a sheet of paper, holding it up so that they could see it.

It was a drawing, obviously done by Angel, of Buffy helping a heavily padded Giles to his feet, clearly having just knocked him over during a training session. Despite themselves everyone smiled at the familiar scene and Giles said huskily, "He…he said, 'he thought we might want the memories' the box is full of his drawings of Buffy."

~~~

It took them hours to look through the hundreds of drawings that Angel had done over the past four years. It was a pictorial account of her life; even times that they hadn't known he was there had been faithfully recorded. They filled Doyle and Anya in on the stories behind them, sometimes laughing, sometimes crying but always cherishing the knowledge of what they'd had.

The pictures of Buffy and Angel together in the sun confused them, until Doyle and Cordelia filled them in about the events of the day that never was. They wept at this further proof of the depth of the love that they had shared and the knowledge that Angel's sacrifice had been in vain.

Although most of the pictures had Buffy in them, there were others. Doyle and Cordelia bickering and gazing lovingly at each other; Willow practising her magic; Willow and Oz holding hands; Giles with his nose in a book; Giles and Jenny flirting together; Willow gazing longingly at Xander; Xander and Cordelia fighting; Spike falling-down drunk; the Mayor; Faith; Oz as a werewolf; Doyle as a demon; Drucilla; the Judge…

The love Angel felt for his main subject was clear in every line, the sense of reverence imbued in many of the pictures made tears come the their eyes. Every drawing was extremely powerful but there were two that made a particular impression.

The first was simply Buffy's head and bare shoulders. She was lying on a bed, her head resting on a pillow and her wide eyes glowing with love and trust and joy. She looked happier than any of them had ever seen her and, with a pang, they realised that this must have been the night that Angel first lost his soul. The picture was dated about a month after his return from Hell and it was smudged with tears.

The second picture was dated only a few days after the first but the emotions it depicted were very different. Buffy stood in the mansion, staring at something that they couldn't see, her face was twisted with anguished despair and her eyes filled with tears. Her shirt was torn and there was a cut on one arm, a sword lay on the ground behind her. There was a strange swirling of colours around the edge of the picture and they realised with horror that this was the last thing that Angel had seen before Acathla had closed and dragged him into hell for five-hundred years of torture.

Even Anya, who didn't know the whole story and had inflicted untold misery for over a thousand years, was forced to look away from the pain he had depicted in Buffy's eyes.

Doyle looked away from the picture and then suddenly convulsed as a barrage of images assaulted him. Cordelia rushed to his side, fumbling in her purse for the painkillers she always carried, and everyone else stared at him anxiously, wondering what was coming now.

Despite the agonising pain in his head he smiled. "They're here. Watchin' over an' protectin' us."

"They?" asked Giles tentatively, afraid to believe what the half-demon seemed to be telling them.

"Buffy and Angel. They're happy together at last, our very own guardian Angels."

~~~

When the last picture had been looked at and the last story told, a sense of peace settled over the group. The pain of loss was still there but it was tempered by the knowledge that the two lovers suffered no longer. What could not be in life was made possible in death and though they would be missed, their friends could not do other than be glad for them.

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