~~~

As days turned to weeks and weeks to months, that hope faded. Giles had told Willow what Buffy had said and the little redhead had once again started coming to the library to help research. Oz and Cordelia often joined her here as they really had nowhere else to go but the happy atmosphere that had always seemed to fill the library was gone. Buffy seemed almost unaware of the Slayerettes presence; she seldom spoke to anyone except Giles and then only to report.

Each day the shadows under her eyes grew deeper and she had grown so thin that her skin stretched like parchment over her bones. It seemed a miracle that she could even move, let alone fight and yet fight she did. Giles had discovered - to his secret dismay - that she patrolled from sundown to sunrise every night and he doubted that she slept at all, even during the daylight hours. The streets of Sunnydale had never been safer but he feared the cost of that safety. Buffy was like a machine, her emotions destroyed by everything she had gone through, but the machine was breaking down and Giles and the others had no idea what to do about it.

~~~

Two and a half months after Buffy's return, Giles closed the book he had been looking through with a thud. Nothing. He, Willow and Buffy had been researching Ecyoj – the newest demon in town for hours. They knew that destroying its heart was the only way to kill it – a seemingly average job for the Slayer. The drawback was that it didn't keep its heart in its chest but in a little box, which it kept in a safe place and so far they had had no luck discovering where its hiding place might be.

He looked over a Willow to see if she was faring any better and noticed that instead of working she was looking over to his left with a worried expression. Following her gaze he looked over and saw that Buffy was fast asleep. For a second he was relieved, grateful that she was finally getting a little rest, but then he realised that her dreams were far from peaceful.

Tears seeped from under her closed eyelids in a steady stream and even as he watched her entire body started to shake violently and she moaned in pain. It was heartbreaking to watch her but sleep was something that she desperately needed and Giles didn't know if he should try and wake her. Before he could decide one way or the other, Buffy cried out for Angel in a voice full of despair and jerked awake, looking around her with anguished eyes.

Instinctively, both Giles and Willow moved to comfort her but before they could reach her she was gone, running from the room as if pursued by the devil himself, not even stopping to grab the jacket Angel had given her and leaving Giles and Willow staring after her.

"Giles…"

"I know, Willow," he answered his voice full of sorrow. "She needs Angel. Without him she has no hope – nothing to live for except her duty – and there's nothing we can do except watch while she dies inside."

"Couldn't we bring Angel back? Is that possible?" she asked hopefully. "If we did that then they could be together and Buffy would be happy again. They both would."

"Rescue a soul from the demon dimension?" said Giles thoughtfully, "There are a great many spells to summon – and control – demons but I would have to do some research before I could say if such a rescue were possible. Of course, even if it could be done, you're forgetting the curse. Angel and Buffy can't be together, if they were they would almost certainly make each other happy and then Angelus would return and the whole thing would begin all over again."

"No he wouldn't!" squeaked Willow, "I thought I'd told you."

"Told me what?"

"Ms. Calendar – she took out the clause when she translated the curse. Angel can never lose his soul!"

Giles sat down abruptly in the nearest chair as a thousand images of Jenny flooded his mind. Even in death she was helping them – helping the one who had killed her. For a moment, even though he knew it was unfair, hatred swelled within him and he was fiercely glad that Angel was suffering eternal torment. Then, as clearly as if she were standing next to him, he heard Jenny's voice:

"Don't blame Angel for what the demon has done, Rupert. He has a good soul and would have done anything to prevent what happened. Angel loves Buffy, even after 1000 years in hell he still clings to her memory. He would still do anything – endure anything – for her and she loves and needs him just as much. That kind of love is rare, almost unheard of; don't stand in its way because of me.

"Angel was and is a good and loyal friend who saved my life; Angelus was a monster that killed me. Please don't confuse the two; the guilt will be hard enough for him to bear without you adding to it. I'm always with you, you know and one day you'll see me again. I love you."

"Jenny," Giles whispered longingly, "I…"

~~~

"GILES!"

He started and looked round wildly. Willow was standing in front of him, yelling his name and from the look on her face he gathered that she had been doing so for some considerable time.

"I'm sorry, Willow, you were saying?" he asked, pushing thoughts of what had just happened to the back of his mind, where he could examine it later.

"What happened just now, Giles?" Willow asked in concern, "You seemed to be in some kind of trance."

"Oh…um…it was nothing. I was just…thinking. You're quite certain that the curse is now permanent?"

"Positive, I checked the version we used against the original and the wording was different – it's more of a blessing now, happiness will only strengthen the soul's power over the demon."

"All right then, it would appear that we have work to do," said Giles, completely forgetting the demon who's heart they had recently been researching. "You see if there is anything about freeing someone from the demon dimensions on, on the...the net and I'll see what I can find in my volumes. This may take a long time so I suggest that you call your parents and let them know that you won't be home tonight.

"Angel will not be himself even if we do succeed in retrieving him, he will, after all, have been trapped there for hundreds of years. However, Buffy has proven many times that she would do anything for Angel and I believe that having him to take care of will give her a reason to live again."

"It will, I know it will," said Willow, relieved that there was finally something tangible that she could do to help Buffy. "I'll call Oz, Cordelia and Xand… I'll call Oz and Cordelia – I know they'll want to help."

Giles didn't comment on Willow's near slip over Xander. He knew that she still had trouble accepting that the friend she had trusted since childhood could have betrayed them the way he had. She was still clinging to the hope that Xander would give her some reasonable explanation for what he had done, realise that he had been terribly wrong and beg forgiveness. He understood her sentiments but didn't share them; as far as he was concerned there was no excuse for what Xander had done to Buffy. Just thinking about it made him burn with rage.

Giles had only seen Xander once in the weeks since Buffy's disastrous welcome home party. He had actually had the nerve to come in and ask him if 'Buffy had come to her senses yet'. Giles had barely restrained himself from strangling the boy on the spot and instead informed him, in no uncertain terms, that he was no longer welcome in the library. He had also warned him never to expect forgiveness from Buffy for what he had done.

Xander had been dumbfounded, unable to understand why Giles didn't agree with his actions. He tried to convince him, arguing that Angel deserved to suffer for eternity as punishment for what he had done but his words had had the opposite effect of the one he'd intended.

Instead of agreeing with him, Giles had gone completely still and then asked in a voice as cold and deadly as an Arctic winter, "And Buffy? What crime is she being punished for? What has she done that she deserves to suffer like this?"

It was Giles' voice rather than his words that convinced Xander that he would never be able to win him over to his point of view. He left the library quickly, aware for the first time that, beneath Giles' civilised exterior Ripper still lurked and could be dangerous if pushed too far. For the first time since they had met, Xander saw Giles as someone to fear – he hadn't been anywhere near him since. Something for which Giles was profoundly grateful. It was beyond his comprehension how Xander could claim to be Buffy's friend and still do what he had. He had never particularly liked the boy – he found him annoying – but he had always believed that he could be trusted. It was only now that he realised that Xander could only be trusted as long as people behaved the way he thought they should. In his mind he was always right and anyone else's opinions and feelings were invalid and therefore unimportant. That mindset made him potentially very dangerous and Giles resolved to keep any eye on him, just in case.

Willow interrupted his thoughts, saying in a sad little voice, "He knew, didn't he?"

"Hmm? Who knew what, Willow?" he asked absently, still thinking about the damage that Xander could do to Buffy and the rest of them if he tried.

"Xander, he knew all along why Buffy left the way she did, didn't he?" her eyes pleaded with him to deny what she already knew to be true and Giles looked away as he said:

"Yes, Willow, I'm afraid he must have at least suspected from the moment Buffy didn't show up for school." Her eyes filled with tears and he mentally damned Xander for all the pain he had caused and was still causing. He knew that Willow's pain was nothing compared to Buffy's but she was his friend and the sight of her in tears added just a little more fuel to his already intense anger.

"He knew," she said brokenly. "He saw us all wondering why she'd left and he didn't tell us, didn't even suggest it as a possibility – and then she came back and he blamed her for leaving… He accused her of being *selfish*!" Her tears dried up suddenly and for the first time, Giles saw some of his own anger spark to life in place of the hurt that had been there before. "*He * accused *her* of being selfish." She repeated slowly, "Knowing what she'd had to do for the world's – for *our* sake – and knowing what he'd done to her…he still called her selfish." Her eyes were full of the death of childhood dreams as she said sadly, "I don't know him at all. He's not the Xander I grew up with any more. Maybe he never was and I just didn't see his dark side until now." As she spoke Willow realised that the Xander she had known was lost to her forever. Even if she forgave, she would never forget. She would never be able to trust him again.

Filled with a sudden urgent need to see Oz she turned away from Giles and picked up the telephone to call him and Cordelia.

~~~

Giles rubbed his eyes and looked up from the book he had been reading. His glanced round at the three teenagers and his gaze came to rest upon Cordelia, as she sat with her head bent over a large book, frowning slightly as she tried to decipher the ancient English it was written in.

Over the last few months his respect for her had increased dramatically. On learning what Xander had done she had immediately broken up with him but instead of returning to her 'popular friends' she had remained a part of their little group. She still vain and bitchy sometimes but it was more because she thought it was expected of her than from any real malice any more. No matter how much she complained, she was always willing to pitch in and help with any research and she had been extremely kind to Willow, keeping her from obsessing too much over Xander. Between them Oz and Cordelia managed to keep her mind off his betrayal most of the time.

He closed the book with a sigh and glanced at the clock. It had been hours since Buffy had run out and he was beginning to wonder if she intended to return at all that night, he had expected her to come back for her jacket as she was never seen without it any more. As if his thoughts had conjured her up, she appeared from the stacks – she never used the main doors he had noticed. She was covered in green slime and there was a deep cut on her left arm.

"Buffy!" he exclaimed, leaping to his feet in alarm, "What happened?"

She looked at him wearily, her eyes glazed with exhaustion. "I killed Ecyoj…he exploded in a mass of green goo. I just came back to get my jacket."

"Good lord, you mean you found his heart? How?"

"I told him that I had a friend do a location spell and that I was just supposed to keep him busy while they went to destroy it. He led me right to it when he went to retrieve it."

"A spell of location!" exclaimed Willow, "we could have done that, I should have thought of it!"

"Quite, Buffy, why didn't you come and tell us? There was no need for you to fight him."

Buffy shrugged, "What difference did it make, he's dead."

"Yes, and you're hurt. Here, let me see."

She pulled away saying impatiently, "It's nothing, Giles, don't fuss. Look, I gotta go, I need a shower." As she spoke Buffy grabbed her jacket and headed into the stacks but just before she vanished from sight she gave a bitter laugh and turned back, "By the way, Giles, did you happen to notice what Ecyoj is spelt backwards?" and before anyone could reply, she was gone.

Giles turned the word around in his head & everyone else reached for a sheet of paper. When they figured out what Buffy had meant, they winced. Written on the three pieces of paper was 'Joyce'.

"I…I guess they haven't spoken to each other?" asked Willow.

"Not to my knowledge, no." Giles replied, "it's my understanding that Buffy hasn't spoken to her mother since the night of the party and Joyce has made no effort to discover her whereabouts."

"She won't." Cordelia said positively. Everyone looked at her in surprise and she explained, "I saw her a few weeks ago at the Mall. She's waiting for Buffy to come home, beg forgiveness and forget all this 'Slayer nonsense' – her words – until that happens she doesn't want to know."

"My god," said Giles faintly, "I thought she'd begun to understand after Buffy explained what had happened. How can that woman be so…unfeeling?"

"She doesn't know Buffy," said Willow, "she never has and she doesn't want to. I mean, she believed that Buffy was in a *gang*. She wants the perfect daughter and it makes her mad that Buffy will never be what she wants and that she can't control what she does.

"I don't think she's capable of appreciating what a wonderful person Buffy is, all she sees is a failure and she's trying to force Buffy to be what she wants her to be, rather than who she is. It'll never work and if she doesn't see that soon, she could lose her forever – if she hasn't already. Buffy always used to try and please her mother but even before I don't think she'd have done what Joyce wants and now…she just doesn't care any more."

"About anything." Cordelia agreed. She looked down at the table, for once reluctant to speak her thoughts aloud, then she squared her shoulders, looked up at Giles and said bluntly "She waiting to die, isn't she?"

Willow gasped and looked at Giles, Oz put a comforting arm around her shoulders as he did the same. Cordelia's words didn't shock him; he had been thinking the same but had been reluctant to mention it, knowing how much the subject would distress Willow.

Giles slumped heavily into his chair, removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes tiredly before looking up to meet Cordelia's gaze. "Yes, I believe she is," he said sadly. "She won't, for our sakes, take her own life directly – at least not yet – but she'll keep taking chances, keep preparing us until either her luck runs out or we have accepted the inevitability of her death and she feels free to end it herself."

Willow gave a choked sob and buried her face against Oz's shoulder. He stroked her hair soothingly but his thoughts were elsewhere and he asked in his quiet way, "You say she won't take her own life but what would you call starving herself to death?"

Giles shook his head slightly, "I don't think that's a conscious decision on her part. She just…isn't interested in food. That is the greatest danger though; she can't weigh more than half what she should and she almost never sleeps. If she were anyone but the Slayer she'd be dead already and as it is I am at a loss to explain how she has the strength to move, let alone fight.

"If she goes on as she is now she will inevitably collapse. We have very little time left. If we cannot retrieve Angel soon, it may well be too late and he shall return only to watch her die."

Giles' sobering words hovered like a black cloud over little group and they hit the books with renewed determination. For nearly a week they spent their every spare moment in the library, refusing to give in to despair when every possible lead proved useless.

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