Rating: PG
Summary: The WHOLE history of Riley. Most of it's made up.
Spoilers: All things Riley and what he's involved in
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Joss Whedon does, I just borrow them for my own fun. If you want this story, just let me know you've taken it.

There is a book. And in this book are chapters. And one of these chapters is called "Chapter Nine". And in this chapter there is a very unique story told...

Riley Cornelius Finn was born on August 19, 1979, in the Farmchuck Hospital in Farmchuck, Iowa on International Corn Harvesting Day. He was a bright baby boy, and the tenth sibling to enter his family, making his family a total of twelve!

He was born to Regina and Russell Finn. Regina was a beautician, and Russell worked on the family farm. The other children of the house were: Randy, Rachel, Renee, Rob, Rick, Ruthie, Roy, Ray, Rachelle. Riley was a joy to the whole family.

The first word Riley ever spoke was "cow". It was a proud day for the Finn family, continuing the tradition of having children speaking animal names and sounds. The other Finn children's first words were "duck", "chick", "horse", "pig", "goose", "sheep", "piggie", "duckie", and "quack".

Even before he turned one, Riley showed a great interest in cows. His first cow was a brown calf with white spots. He named her "Cow", since it was the only word he knew how to say.

Riley's oldest brother Randy died in a tractor accident when Riley was only three years old. It pained the family deeply and they moved away from Farmchuck, to Chuckfarm. There, the Finn family became the most popular people around. Chuckfarm saw the weddings of Rachel, Renee, and Rob Finn. By the time Riley turned six, it was time for him to begin schooling.

Riley attended Chuckfarm Elementary School. There, he became top of his class in listening to the teacher. After graduating kindergarten with honors, Riley moved triumphantly to the first grade. There, he met his first sweetheart, Randie Clarke. However, his family's issues with Randy Finn's death got in the way of Riley associating with Randie. However, Riley and Randie met in secret and colored in the "Moo Moo Farms Coloring Book" every night.

Riley and Randie continued to be best friends for years. When they entered the fourth grade, Riley was determined to tell Randie that he liked her more than a friend. Then, a new boy named Carl Angelo enrolled at Riley's elementary. Randie took an instant liking to him, and discarded Riley like an old sock.

It took Riley a long time to get over that heartbreak. He would cry himself to sleep, holding the old coloring book. Then, in the sixth grade, Riley met Amanda Larsen. And they dated until Riley's eighth grade year. It was then that she had met Mikey Clark, from Los Angeles. Riley's heart had broken once again.

Up to when Riley was fifteen, all of his siblings except Ray and Rachelle had been married. Right before Riley graduated from Middle School, his father died of a disease distributed by cows. Riley was forced to kill his cow, Cow. That was an emotional experience Riley never fully recovered from.

When he turned seventeen, he decided it was time for him to learn about the birds and the bees, but his mother was not going to tell him until he was married. So Riley agreed and remained the only virgin in his class. After he graduated from High School, Riley joined the local army. It was then that he learned about the Initiative, a demon killing plant. Riley decided it was time to experience life away from Iowa, and joined, moving to Sunnydale, California.

There, he met his commander, Maggie Walsh, and the two fell secretly in love. Riley quickly rose to the top, becoming the head behind Maggie. Life was wonderful for Riley Finn, until he met a freshmen named Buffy Summers. He found himself instantly attracted to her, and soon the two became and "item". This broke Maggie Walsh's heart, so she in-listed a Doctor Angelman to help her build a new man for herself. When her creation, Adam, was half finished, it miraculously woke up and killed her.

Riley, brokenhearted at the fact that Maggie was killed, temporarily went insane. It was also due to the fact that he was taking steroid-like vitamins. Once Maggie Walsh died, they stopped working. Riley was convinced that she was the source of his "vitamin" power.

Riley quit the Initiative, and it was soon destroyed by Buffy.

After this ordeal, Riley was determined to get on with his life and he planned to do that with Buffy. She, however, decided she thought he was a loser and dumped him for a vampire named Angel. It was then that Riley decided that he had the "Angel Curse". Randie Clarke had left him for Carl "Angel"o. Amanda Larsen dumped him for the boy from Los "Angel"es. Maggie Walsh died at the hands of that creature Dr. "Angel"man helped her produce, and Buffy discarded him for some vampire named "Angel".

Riley was broken hearted. He had lost his virginity to someone who didn't like him, instead of Maggie, who he had loved very much. And now he was alone, no family, no girlfriend, and no cow.

Riley lived out the remainder of his life alone. He went to Buffy's funeral when he was 85. Angel was there, looking just like he had when they had met. When Buffy had told him she didn't like him. Angel had looked very, very sad. The next day, Riley and all of Buffy's friends found a pile of dust next to her grave. (But the story of Buffy and Angel is in a whole different book, and it's not allowed to be printed in any kind of chapter nine.)

Riley Finn died on May 16th, 2070, at the age of 90. The story of Riley Finn is a tragic one, full of love and loss.

Riley's siblings all died before him, and his mother died only a few days after Maggie Walsh. She had been trampled by a cow.

Quotes

Riley Finn was a very intelligent man. Here are some famous quotes from him, and their explanations.

"I am a Lesbian" in his early relationship stage with Buffy Summers, she caught him helping a group of Lesbians put up a banner. He made a very clever joke here!

"I like cheese" Riley was infatuated with Buffy Summers, and when he learned that she liked cheese, he decided to find the "tastiest" way to her heart.

"You're gonna teach me" Buffy told Riley he had a lot of learning to do about girls. Wasn't his response cute?

"I've killed 17 demons!" We are really proud of this. Riley was an excellent demon hunter.

Riley Finn said many more things, but these were some of his more intelligent moments.

May he rest in peace.

******

*A Local School, 3798*

"Did you do the reading in Chapter Nine?"

"No, I really don't care about some hick from Iowa who lived and died like 2 centuries ago."

"I know! He killed seventeen demons? Big whoo. Have you read that book about those two people, Buffy and Angel?"

"Oh yeah! They killed WAY more than 17 demons. Their story was so cute. And chapter nine was hilarious. Just manipulated and drawn on pictures of some guy who looks like a hairy fish."

"Yeah, I wonder who that guy was anyway..."

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