*
I knock on the large doors of the Mansion. I can hear Angel's muffled "Hold on!" and I smile.
He opens the door and frowns. Why is he frowning? Then I remember that I have tear stains on my face.
"Can I come in?" I asked. He nodded and I went inside. I turned and clung to him. He returned the embrace. "Why were you crying?" he asked, stroking my hair.
"Xander never told me Willow was trying the curse. And my mother made you go away," I said.
"Your mother told you about that?" he asked. I just kept crying.
"I'm so sorry. I love you so much. You know that, right?" he asks me, and I pull away and look into his eyes. He's crying too.
"I know," I whisper.
Soon, we're kissing and that's all I can feel. The only thing I can think is how can you love someone so much and not burst? How can you do the most awful of things to a person and have them do it back, and still want to be with them so much it aches when you're not?
I don't know how we ended up there, and I don't think he does either, but as I feel my body being laid on something soft, I know we're on his bed.
"Angel...the curse..." I whisper.
"Is permanent," he says. I think he might've already told me, I'm not sure, but it doesn't matter.
We're kissing with a fierce intensity, and I never want to stop.
"Angel, let's do it right this time," I whisper.
"It couldn't have been more right the first time," he tells me softly.
"Okay then," I say with a small smile. "Let's do it right again."
And again, the only thing I can feel are his kisses and caresses. And as we're making love, I can't help but think that this is perfect happiness.
And that's something you don't find every day.
*
This truly must be what heaven is like.
Buffy is laying beside me, curled up in my arms, and I would stay like this forever if I could.
Buffy starts to stir, and I look down at her as she opens her eyes. "You're here," she says. "It's real."
I smile at her and nod before giving her a gentle kiss on her lips.
"Angel," she says as we lie there together. I look at her, waiting for the rest of her sentence.
"How bad does my hair look?" she asks me. I can't help but laugh at her. She's so innocently cute in the morning.
"It looks perfect Buffy. In fact, I think it's too perfect."
I take some of her hair and flip it over to the other side of her head. "There, much better," I say with a laugh.
She smiles at me. "You've changed." "You laugh more. You smile more. You act more goofy," she says as she puts her hair back into place. "I like it."
"Me too," I tell her. Soon, her lips are on mine. God, I love kissing her. She starts chuckling into our kiss and then pulls away.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
She lays down on the bed and grins up and me seductively. "Oh Angel, we're all alone in this big bed. Whatever are we going to do?" she says with a false pitiful voice.
I grinned and pretended to think about it. "I have no idea..." I trailed off.
I was still pretending to think about it when she shot up and pulled me down on top of her.
"If you really don't know," she said seductively. "Let me show you."
As her lips trail all over my face, my neck, my chest, my lips...Wesley's words keep playing in my mind.
"Do you realize how rare true happiness is?"
Yeah, I do.
*
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" I asked her.
"Yeah, this is something I need to do alone. I need to get things straightened out with everyone. You'll be here when I'm done, right?"
"Yes," I told her.
"And you're coming on patrol with me tonight, right?"
"Of course."
"Okay. Bye," she said as she gave me a gentle kiss. "I love you," she said as she walked out the door.
"I love you too," I said right before the door closed.
I walked into the kitchen and got out some blood. I poured it into a cup and sat down.
This was all so confusing to me. I love Buffy and I love being with her. And this Buffy, she's the one I really fell in love with. The Buffy I know now has changed so much. I guess I have too. Even the Buffy from the past noticed it.
The Buffy that should be here now is so different. She takes slaying differently now. Like it's a curse. Like she doesn't care about it as much anymore. All she cares about is Riley. She's even drifted away from her friends. I thought that was something that would never happen.
The Buffy from the past would never let that happen. I thought leaving Buffy would be better for her and everyone else, that she could still be the same Buffy, just with someone else. I didn't want her to become disconnected with everything around her.
I didn't want her to change. She did, though.
I don't think she wanted me to change either. It was perfectly clear that she didn't like the person I had become when she came to LA. The problem is, I do. I enjoy life more now that I'm more open with people, I'm more easy going. I don't brood as much. I feel more alive now.
I think that's the problem with me and the Buffy from now. We don't like what each other has become. But this Buffy from the past, she loves me no matter what I'm like. She even loved me when I was Angelus.
Past Buffy and Now Buffy are so different, it's hard to tell that they're the same people. That what makes this so hard. I want Past Buffy to stay here, but I know Now Buffy belongs in her time, and Past Buffy belongs where she came from. The past.
I know Buffy's amnesia wont last forever. When she finally gets her memory back, she'll want to go back to Riley. She'll want her normal life back. And it'll kill me when it finally happens.
Because I don't think I can let go.
*
"How many demons do you think there are?" Buffy asked me as we patrolled the park.
"In Sunnydale?"
"No silly, in the world. How many different kinds, breeds, species, stuff like that. How many do you think there are?"
"I don't know. I'll have to ask Cordelia, she found this demon database on the Internet. She could probably find out."
"How is Cordelia?" Buffy asked.
"She's good. I hope she and Wesley are doing all right back in LA."
"Wesley?"
"He's a watcher. He was Faith's," I told her, not sure she knew that Giles was fired last year.
"Oh, okay," she said. A vampire jumped out at us, and she dusted it quickly.
"I hate the ones that think jumping out is going to scare people," Buffy said.
"So, how did it go today with your friends?" I asked.
"I didn't see Xander or my mother, but I met Xander's girlfriend Anya. She's funny. I talked to Giles. He told me he got fired. I told him I was sorry if I said anything to upset him last night. He said I didn't. He seems pretty okay with the whole situation right now. He said we could come over for tea," Buffy said, giving me a smile as she said the last part.
"Tea, huh?" I asked. She nodded.
"Then I went to see Willow. I met Tara. And I found out why Willow isn't dating Oz anymore. She's a lesbian. Tara is her girlfriend. Shocker, isn't it?"
"Yeah. I always thought she and Oz were perfect for each other. But I've seen Tara, and she seems nice," I told her.
"She is! I don't have a problem with Willow's decision, because Willow and Tara are completely cool. They showed me this really neat spell they can do, where a rose flies all around the room."
"Sounds like you had quite the day," I joked.
"What did you do today?" she asked me.
"Well...I slept most of the day, to tell you the truth."
Another vampire jumped out at us.
"I'm going to kill you," he said.
Buffy staked him and said, "Yeah, you did such a good job of that," she told the vampire's dust.
"I think we're done for the night," Buffy said, putting her hand back into mine.
We walked back towards the mansion in companionable silence, hand in hand.
I opened the door for her, and we stepped into the mansion.
To face Xander. And Joyce.
"Buffy, we need to talk," Joyce told Buffy.
"And Angel, I have to say something to you," Xander told me.
"If you have something to say to me, you can say it in front of Angel," Buffy said to her mother.
"You're not in your right head. Please, just let me speak to you in private," Joyce said to Buffy.
"Go on, I'll be right here," I said to her. She nodded and followed her mother out of the room.
I turned to Xander. This should be interesting.
"Look Angel, I've felt bad about the way I've treated you for a long time. Especially about how I lied to Buffy about us re-cursing you. I was in love with her, and I wanted her for myself. The thing is, ever since I stopped loving her, I realized what an ass hole I had been to you."
"I know you've met Anya, and I'm so in love with her it confuses me. And every time I see that Willow and Anya, or Buffy and Anya aren't getting along, it kills me, because I really want them to accept her. I realized that I had acted the same way towards you that Willow and Buffy do to Anya. So, I wanted to apologize for everything, and I really hope things between you and Buffy work out."
I didn't know what to say. Had this really just come from Xander's mouth.
"Thank you. I always knew there was a good person in you somewhere," I said with a grin.
"Yeah, just don't tell Joyce. She thinks I'm berating you right now."
"Oh, and you know how much I love talking to Joyce," I said sarcastically.
Xander chuckled and then stopped abruptly. He looked at me in shock. "I didn't know you we're funny!" Xander exclaimed.
"It happens," I said, amused.
"Yeah, but I hope Buffy comes to her senses and dumps Riley, because he's a dick."
I look at Xander. "I thought you two got along."
"Oh yeah. I get along with Mr. Fish. He's always complaining. 'Buffy isn't here when I want her here' or 'My soldier friends don't like me anymore' or 'I'm in pain, pity me'. And he can't even fight for himself."
"So I've noticed," I said, remembering how I had beat him up.
"Oh yeah. I thought that was pretty funny. You know, I wish I told Buffy all this stuff earlier, it feels really good to get it all out," Xander said.
Suddenly, the sounds of shouting came into the room. Buffy and Joyce.
"Wanna go watch the weather happening outside?" Xander asked, eager to get away.
"Yeah," I said as we went outside.
I went over what Xander had said in my mind. I have the support of Buffy's friends.
Our relationship has their support.
Maybe things will work out after all.
*
I knew it was stupid to think Angel and I weren't going to run into anymore problems, that we were just going to be happy. I forgot that my mother still existed.
"You can't just show up here and demand that I do what you want Mom!" I said as she pulled me into another room, away from Xander and Angel.
"Buffy, I am your mother, and you are still a child," Mom told me. "No! I'm not. You tell me that I'm nineteen. That makes me able to do a lot of things I couldn't do before! Besides, you've never controlled my life. I wont let you start now!"
"I'm not going to watch you destroy your life Buffy! Angel is and always will be not good enough for you!"
"How do you know what's good enough for me mother? You've never known! You never will!" I said, my voice raising.
"Don't talk back to me Buffy!"
"I can do whatever the hell I want, and that includes being with Angel!"
We both hear the front door shut, and I know Xander and Angel have left.
"Why did you come here Mom?" I asked, my voice not as loud.
Mom was quiet for a moment. "Because you're my daughter, and I only want what's best for you," she said, her voice going from loud to soft and loving.
I shook my head. "No, you don't. If you really wanted what's best for me, you'd let me be with Angel. No, you just want what's best for you," I said with tears in my eyes. "If you had really wanted what's best for me, you wouldn't have told Angel to leave me."
Mom sighed. "Buffy, I'm not going to say this again, it will never work between you two. Just come home with me and we'll get this whole thing sorted out."
"No," I said forcefully. "I wont go, and you know why? Because Angel and I are meant for each other! He's my soulmate!"
Mom glared at me. "How can he be your soulmate when half the time he doesn't even have a soul?"
I felt like I had been hit in the gut with a ton of bricks. How could she say that? How?
She must've seen the pain on my face. "Buffy, I'm sorry, I-" I didn't give her time to finish. I had already started running out the door.
I could hear her calling after me. I didn't care, I didn't want to care. The pain in my heart was too great. I'm still running. Tears are cascading down my face. I know that the people walking past are looking at me. I don't care.
// Buffy stands by the Santa Monica pier. She looks over when she feels that feeling. The feeling that Angel is near. She looks over and sees him walking in the shadows. Then he keeps going. Into the sunlight. Without burning. She watches in amazement as he approaches her. Then he's kissing her passionately, and she's responding, hoping with all of her heart that she's not dreaming...//
I've reached the park. I keep going. I have to get away. I have to get away...
// "So, lets just go with the mature plan. I call you, you call me?" "We keep in touch." Angel and Buffy come in contact. "I better go," Buffy says. "Right, remove the temptation." Buffy places her hand on Angel's. "We'll make this work, right?" It's too much. They both start to kiss hungrily. Angel is backed up against the wall. Buffy jumps into his arms and soon they're on the table. Kissing, touching, caressing...//
I trip and fall. I look around. I'm in the woods. How did I end up here? Where are these memories coming from?
// "And peanut butter! Preferably crunchy!" "Got it!" Angel runs back to the bed, arms loaded with food. Buffy and Angel both start eating. "God I love food." "Food is good." Buffy and Angel lay back, Angel with a carton of Cookie Dough Fudge Mint Chip Ice Cream. "I'm through with the whole needing to be mature thing. That time you just spent in the kitchen? It was enough time apart," Buffy says. "Too much," Angel tells her with a smile. They start kissing and ice cream falls on Angel's chest from his spoon. "Well, mortal coordination leaves something to be desired," he says with the chuckle. "Wrong," Buffy tells him. "It's just right." She licks the ice cream off his chest...//
I fall to the ground again. There's pain. I can feel the pain. Something's happening to me...
// "That's such a good sound. Thump, thump. Thump, thump." "It feels pretty amazing." "We'll find a way to make this work, right?" "We will." Buffy snuggles closer to Angel. "Angel, this is the first time I've ever felt this way. Like a normal girl, content in the arms of her normal boyfriend." Angel kisses the top of Buffy's head. "Sleep." "No I want to stay awake so this day can keep happening." "We'll make another one like it tomorrow..."//
Oh God. What's happening to me?" What am I seeing? No one told me about this... No one...
// "Cordelia, where's Angel?" Cordelia shrugs.... "It's your fault he went to fight that thing!" "What thing?...." Buffy gets to the factories to see the Mora Demon beating Angel to death. She jumps down and starts to fight... "The jewel, you have to smash the jewel..."Shh, you're all right now. Everything's going to be fine. We're together now, and that's all that matters..."//
The pain in my head is so great... I can't think.... I don't even know where I am... Angel...
// "I asked them to turn me back." "What? Why?"... "I'm a liability to you, you saw that. If I stay human, I'll get us both killed." ... "I'm the only one who will remember..." "How much time?" "A minute." "A minute? It's not enough time! It's not enough time!..."I'll never forget, I'll never forget, I'll never forget, I'll never forget, I'll never-" "So, we keep our distance until time has passed, and eventually we'll-" "Forget."//
I scream, but not from the pain in my head, from the pain in my heart. Angel gave up the one thing he's wanted most for me. And he's been forced to carry those memories alone.
Well, not anymore.
*
I wish Xander would've been this interesting before.
We're walking over to Giles' house, and I've discovered that he can be a really great friend. I've also found out that Buffy and the rest of his friends haven't really been friends to him at all.
"I have a lot of stuff I did in the past to make up for," Xander had told Angel. "The main thing being all the crap I pulled concerning you."
"I appreciate that," I had told him.
We reached Giles' house and Xander went in. When I didn't come in he turned around to look at me questioningly. "Oh, right," he said. "Come in."
We went in and I immediately knew something was wrong. Joyce, Giles, and Riley were sitting at Giles' table with a bunch of herbs and candles and a large book. Willow was looking at them angrily, and even Tara had an expression on her face. I'm not exactly sure what it was.
"What's going on?" Xander asked. Everyone looked over at us. I guess they hadn't known we were there.
"Oh...Xander...Angel. You're...you're here," Giles said nervously.
"What did you do?" Xander asked, noticing the items on the table as well.
"They cast a spell," Willow said angrily. "They cast it before any of us got here. It was to give Buffy her memory back."
I looked over to the table and saw Riley looking at me triumphantly. His face said it all.
He'd won.
"Oh...well, that was unexpected," was all I could manage to say.
"It was no way for Buffy to live. We all agreed it was best to return her memories," Giles said.
"*You* three agreed! I believe the rest of us were left out of the decision. Maybe some of us like this Buffy better!" Willow said.
"It's the *same* Buffy," Riley said.
"No it's not," Xander said. "Buffy is so wrapped up in *you* that she forgets all about everything else. Slaying and the people who love her, and that's a lot more important than being with you every second of every day," Xander said to Riley.
"I don't take Buffy away from her duties as a slayer. I help her slay," Riley said angrily.
"Oh yeah, and I'm sure bringing the Initiative into it was a good idea. 'Hey, let's bring the slayer into a place where slaying isn't needed. Where guns solve everything, and the people there have the authority on everything'," Willow said sarcastically.
"We're the only ones in this area trained to kill creatures. We certainly do a better job than you people here. Buffy being the exception, of course," Riley told Willow.
I watched this fight in silence. I didn't have anything constructive to say. How could I? Buffy had her memories back. She would go back to Riley. And I'd have to leave.
Again.
The yelling stopped when the door opened. I looked over and there she was. Buffy. She had tear tracks down her face, and she looked so sad. I just wanted to take her into my arms and hold her until the sadness went away.
"Buffy! Thank God, I thought you'd never be you again," Riley said running over to her and pulling her into his arms.
"Don't touch me," Buffy said quietly.
Riley pulled away. "What?"
"I said don't touch me," Buffy repeated. Could I be hearing this right?
"But...don't you have your memory back?" Riley asked, confused.
"Not of the past two years. Only one memory," Buffy said, looking at me.
"I told you I'd never forget," she said, her voice choking.
I looked at her for a moment before what she was saying registered in my mind. She remembered. She knew.
She let out a small sob and ran to me. She jumped into my arms and her lips were on mine. I didn't care that we had an audience, all that mattered was that she knew.
She knew.
Buffy pulled away from me and started to kiss all over my face. "I love you!" she kept saying in between them.
"Okay, could someone please explain this to me?" I heard Joyce yell. We looked over to see Joyce and Riley looking very angry, Giles looking confused, and Willow, Tara, and Xander happy.
Buffy noticed the table then. She slowly fell out of my arms.
"What's that?" she asked, walking over to the table.
"You cast a spell? Without me knowing about it? What if I had been fighting a demon? I could've been killed!" Buffy said.
"Buffy, just calm down. You're here now, and we can try it again," Joyce said.
Try again? No...
"I don't want to try again. I don't want to go back to the life my present self lives."
"Buffy you say that because you don't know that life," Riley told her.
"I know this life. This is the one I like. I don't want to leave," Buffy said, her voice shaking with anger and tears.
I walked over to the table where the spell book was. The book was still open to the page with the spell they had used.
I read the words carefully. And only one phrase caught my eye.
'And the forgotten memories will be returned'
Forgotten memories. That was it. That was why the spell didn't work. They needed to change the word forgotten.
I looked over at Buffy. She looked so lost and confused. I knew that she couldn't live that way. She belonged in the past. Not here. It wasn't fair to either Buffy.
"When you cast the spell, it did work, but not the way you wanted," I said to Giles. "She remembers a day that I turned mortal and we were together. I had the day turned back because Buffy would've died if I had stayed mortal. I was the only one who would remember the day. She this passage here?" I said, showing Giles in the book.
"You need to change the word to past. 'And the past memories will be returned'," I said.
Giles looked at me for a moment. "I always knew you we're the most noble person I've ever known," he said.
I nodded to him and turned to Buffy.
"What's going on?" she asked quietly.
"Nothing Buffy. Everything's going to be okay," I told her.
"What were you talking to Giles about? What are they doing?" Buffy asked, looking over my shoulder and Giles, Joyce, and Riley preparing to do the spell again.
"Angel?" she asked. I could feel tears running down my face. She brought her hand to my cheek and wiped them away.
"Something's happening, isn't it?" she asked, tears running down her own face.
"Shhh," I said. "Buffy, do you remember when I said that I would close my eyes again for you if you asked? Because I trusted you. Well, would you close your eyes for me?" I asked.
Buffy closed her eyes. "You're not sending me to Hell, are you?" she said with a laugh. "No," I said.
I could hear them chanting. I saw Willow, Xander, and Tara looking at us sadly.
"I love you Buffy, never forget that," I told her.
"Never. I'll never forget," she said, tears falling down both of our faces as we both realized what she had just said.
"I love you Angel," Buffy said, her eyes still closed.
We kissed, our tears mingling together. Suddenly, I felt this rush of electricity run through us. I could hear the chanting getting louder and louder. We were still kissing as I saw a flash of images run through my mind.
Buffy coming back from LA. Buffy finding me in the forest. Buffy taking care of me. Spike talking to us in the magic shop. Faith and everything that happened with her. Me giving Buffy the demon's heart. Me breaking up with her in the sewer. Buffy crying about it with Willow. Us dancing at the prom. Me getting shot with Faith's arrow before her graduation, her trying to get Faith's blood and failing. Me drinking from her. Me leaving. Parker taking advantage of her. Her meeting Riley. Her first kiss with him. The first time she slept with him. Faith and Buffy switching bodies. And finally I saw us, I heard her tell me those things, I saw myself walk away, I saw her chase me and I saw her get hit by a car.
A surge of energy forced us apart. Once we weren't connected anymore, I stopped seeing her memories.
The chanting stopped and the room was silent. I opened my eyes and saw that everyone was looking at Buffy.
She looked up at Riley and smiled. "Riley!" she exclaimed before she jumped up off the ground and into her arms. They started to kiss and I felt my heart break all over again.
I stood up silently and walked away quietly. No one seemed to notice. It was better that way.
I walked quietly back to the mansion where my car was parked. I willed my mind not to think. I knew I couldn't handle it if I did.
I got into my car and drove away. I passed the sign that said "Now Leaving Sunnydale. Please Come Back Soon"
I knew I would never come back.
And I knew one more thing as the thoughts of what had happened took over my wall against them.
The words "I'll never forget" would still haunt me.
The kiss was so warm. So warm...warm?
I heard the click of Giles' front door shutting and the reality of what I was doing, what I had just done, came crashing down on me.
I was kissing Riley when Angel had just given the world for me.
Again.
I pulled away from Riley as quick as I could. "What's wrong with you Buffy?" he asked me. "You have your memories back. We can go back to the way it was before," Riley told me.
I shook my head. "No. We can't. Because I learned things that I never knew before, and those things change everything."
"But you just kissed me," Riley said, confused and starting to look a little scared.
"The last thing I remembered was that I loved you. It was my first instinct when I got back all those memories. I was just happy to know everything again," I told him, hoping he'd catch the word I used.
"Love, not *loved* right?" He caught.
"Riley-" I started, but he cut me off.
"You lose your memory for less than a month and you're ready to forget everything we had because of some stupid vampire with a soul?" Riley asked, his voice rising.
"No Riley, I *want* to forget everything we had because of some stupid vampire with a soul," I said, my voice also rising.
"I can't believe this! He comes here, beats *me* up, makes you loose *your* memory, and you're suddenly head over heels for him *again*!" Riley exclaimed.
"It wasn't Angel's fault that I was hit by a car, and it wasn't Angel's fault that Spike lied to him. And if you'd like to know, I never stopped loving Angel!" I said.
"Buffy!" I heard someone exclaim off to the side of me. I turned around and glared at my mother.
"I meant what I said at that dinner you served. I don't want anything to do with you anymore," I told her coldly.
I turned to look at everyone in the room. I saw that Willow and Tara had already left, giving me some privacy. Good old Willow. I knew I had to make it up to her, the way I'd been acting.
"I'd like everyone to leave and give me and Riley some privacy," I told Giles, my mother, and Xander.
I watched them leave and turned back to Riley.
"Did you just say you never stopped loving a vampire?" Riley asked me.
"Yes."
"And you're willing to give up on us because he made you feel better when you were down?"
"No, I'm *ending* us because Angel's sacrificed his happiness and everything he's ever wanted for me. And I realized that it's not getting older that's changed me for the worse. It's being without Angel. I need him to complete *me*. The real Buffy."
Riley's head was bowed. He was looking at the ground. When he looked up, his eyes were filled with tears.
"I love you," he told me.
"I don't," I said softly. Then it hit me. When I told Angel that I wanted my life to be with him, and he had responded "I don't", he had meant that he didn't want *my* life to be with *him*, not the other way around. That thought brought a smile to my face.
"Do you take joy in my pain?" Riley asked angrily as he wiped his eyes.
"Riley, I'm sorry, I really am." I really was. "I don't know what else to say. I hope we can still be friends, though."
"Yeah, friends," Riley said as he grabbed his coat and left Giles' house, slamming the door shut.
I felt bad about hurting Riley, I really did. But I couldn't ignore what was in my heart. Not anymore.
I went outside and saw Xander sitting there.
"Hi," I said.
"Hey," he replied as I sat down next to him.
"So, about what happened before Angel went to Hell-"
"Buffy, I don't expect you to forgive me or even talk to me again. I really don't, but just know that I am so sorry. I don't think you'll ever know how much I regret that day," Xander told me.
"Xander-"
"I know that I'm scum and that I should rot in Hell. You don't know how many times I thought that I should have to trade places with Angel."
"Xander-"
"I feel so awful Buffy, I just-" I put my hand over his mouth. "You're forgiven. I still love you. I don't hate you. And now you know, and now I can chase the vampire I'm in love with, okay?" I said.
Xander nodded. I removed my hand from his mouth. "Go get him Buffy," he said. I smiled and we hugged.
"Here," he said, fishing in his pocket. He threw me a set of keys.
"My mom's car. She's out of town. Don't kill yourself," he said with a smile. I grinned and started to walk off.
"Xander?" I said, turning around.
"Yeah?"
"Anya...she's not half bad."
Xander gave me a tired smile. "Thank you Buffy."
I returned the smile and headed away from Giles' house.
I had to catch up with a particularly broody vampire.
To tell him I love him.
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