DISCLAIMER: Wish they were, but Joss owns all.The song belongs to God of all that's sexy.Dave Matthews. (Bet you thought I was talking about the other sexy dave huh?)
SUMMARY: Pod-Buffy realizes what's gone on in her life.
SPOILERS: "Sanctuary, and some for The Yoko Factor
DISTRIBUTION: My site orif you want it, just ask, I'll let you have it.
FEEDBACK: Pretty please with a cherry on top?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This idea popped into my head when I was at the DMB concert the other night and they played this song. For those of you who have never been to one of their concerts, you must go. Its almost orgasmic to hear him stretch a song past 15 minutes and do the little jig he does on stage. (On a side note, you'll probably be getting more fics with his music as soon as his new CD comes out.he played a few of the new songs and they have great potential for a Buffy/Angel fic)
AUTHOR'S NOTE 2: I was going to end this on an Angsty note, in keeping with the flow of the story, but I had an idea for a fluff ending version, so I wrote two endings.

When you look into the mirror
Do you like what's looking at you
Now that you've seen your true reflection
What on earth are you going to do
Find some inspiration
Its down deep inside of you
~True Reflection, Dave Matthews Band

Buffy stepped quietly into her dorm room, glad when a quick glance around told her that Willow wasn't home. Locking the door, she sighed and leaned against the hard wood for a second, her hazel eyes traveling over the room that she had lived in since moving to college six months ago.

Six months ago, when she'd known with certainty of who she was. The slayer, the one girl chosen to fight against the darkness, with a broken heart. When had everything around her become so mutated? So twisted into a world that she didn't know.

Taking a few steps, she stared forlornly into the mirror hanging above her dresser, pictures held by the frame to the glass. Her blonde hair, that she'd grown so long, even though it was a danger in fighting, her hazel eyes. A nasty scratch healing on her forehead and a deepening bruise on her cheek. Almost as if she didn't recognize herself, one thin hand reached out, tracing the mirror's image.

When had she changed so much that now, looking at herself in a new light, she hated what she'd become? Had being pushed into a new relationship when she hadn't really wanted one triggered this new personality? Or had it been giving herself to another guy and being dumped, again?

Giving her reflection a small shake of her head, she answered her own question. It had been when all hope and trust in the faith of a true love had been dashed with two simple words. "I don't."

Her mutation into this pod person of the real person underneath, had really begun then, though not so noticiable. It had been a gradual change, one that had sped up and taken hold with her new life at college.

She'd alienated her friends, taking up with a group whose objectives were wrong. She had lost sight of her calling, her destiny. She'd hurt the one person that meant more to her than her own life.

And it was too late to do anything about it. She could mend her friendships, and the loyalties with the Initative had been over for a while. Her loyalties with its men, one in particular, would be finished with as soon as she had a chance. As for her destiny, well, that was the joy of it, her destiny would always be there for her. She would just make a more concious effort to put more work toward it.

It was the last that she feared she'd never be able to fix. For so long now, she'd been bottling up her true emotions, not even realizing what she was doing as she put Perky, Happy Buffy out on display for every one to see. The pain of Angel not wanting her anymore, the deep down knowledge that he would have known of Faith's trickery, everything had boiled up, along with the long ago insecuritties of Faith herself, and she'd let loose.

She'd lashed out at him, mocking what had once been so cherished by her. And it was over now. There was no way that what she'd done to him could be fixed. He didn't want to see her, and to be truthful, she didn't blame him.

This was why Slayers were supposed to work alone, she was sure. Not because they got in the way, but because the slayer would always find a way to hurt them.

She'd become Pod-Buffy, a person that she wasn't happy being. That in itself could be changed, but she doubted that the one thing she really wanted to be changed could. Wiping her eyes, which she suddenly realized were crying, she moved away from the mirror, disgusted with the image. Moving to her bed, she held a pillow close to her chest as she lay down, closing her eyes to the grief.

And now, for those of you who require fluff:

She'd become Pod-Buffy, a person that she wasn't happy being. That in itself could be changed, but she doubted that the one thing she really wanted to be changed could. Wiping her eyes, which she suddenly realized were crying, she moved away from the mirror, disgusted with the image.

Sitting on her bed, she reached for the phone. She may not be able to fix the mess she'd made of her life, but she had to at least try, or she'd never be able to live with herself.

"Angel Investigations, we help the."

"Cordy," interrupted Buffy. "Its me."

"Me? Me who? The person who came up here to rub your happy new life in Angel's face? Good-bye."

"Cordelia!" Buffy yelled loudly. "Please, is Angel there?"

Cordelia sighed. "Why do you care, you want to hurt him even more?"

Buffy gave a tearful sigh. "Please, Cordy, I know I was an awful bitch, but please, let me talk to Angel."

Something in her tone must have hit a nerve with the dark haired May Queen, because Cordelia's voice wasn't so hating. "I'm sorry Buffy, he's not here."

Buffy choked off a sob. "All right, thanks."

"Do you want me to tell him you called?"

Buffy shook her head before realizing that Cordelia couldn't see her. "Um, no thanks. Bye." She was barely able to replace the handset into the charger, her tears were so blinding, when there was a knock at the door.

For a split second she considered ignoring it, hastily trying to quiet her sobs, but when the knock repeated, she stood up, wiping her cheeks in an effort to hide traces of her crying. Moving to the door, she opened it a crack, peering out into the hallway. With a sobbing gasp, she flung the door open as she stared into the familiar face of Angel.

"Angel," she breathed, not daring to hope that he was really there.

Concern colored his features as they took in the tears. "Are you all right?"

Buffy shook her head. "Not really, but that doesn't really matter." Grasping the door knob for support, she avoided his gaze. "Why are you here?"

"I came to apologize." Buffy's head shot up at his words. He wanted to apologize to her? "We didn't exactly part on good terms."

"We never do," whispered Buffy, but the look Angel gave her told her he'd heard her words. Shaking her head, she spoke again. "Angel, you don't need to apologize to me, it wasn't your fault."

"Buffy." Angel broke off, looking around him, finally realizing that he was still standing in the hallway. "Um, do you think I could come in?"

Buffy blushed, stepping aside so that he could pass her. "Oh, yea, come in."

He brushed past her, and she held the cry that threatened to pass her lips back at his proximity. She turned, locking the door, pressing her back to the frame as she faced him once again. Now that he was here, she wasn't exactly sure how to go about doing what she needed to do.

There was a deep silence, broken by the both of them at the same time. Angel looked away. "You go ahead."

"Um. Okay." Buffy searched around her mind for something to say, wanting to apologize her heart and soul out. "How's Faith?"

He hadn't been expecting that question, and it showed for about a split second. "As well as can be expected. She's really trying to change."

"I wish her luck then," said Buffy. She studied his face, then spoke again. "You didn't expect to hear that from me."

Angel shook his head. "No I didn't. More along the lines of damning her."

"I deserve that. I don't know what happened last night Angel. I'd already been through so much, and then, seeing her with you," Buffy shrugged. "Something switched on in me. I realize I acted like a spoiled child, a bitch, probably worse, but I realize it. I am sorry, Angel. And I know that I can't change anything."

"Change what?"

"What's happened between us. I lashed out at you, using the one weapon I had that I knew could hurt you."

"Buffy," his voice was soft, sympathizing.

She shrugged it off. "Please Angel, try and understand? I came home tonight, upset, until I realized that I was the only one to blame. I've become someone I don't like, and the only reason why is that I've been afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Being loved again. Being lonely." She trailed her fingers across the back of her desk chair. "Someone once told me that loneliness was about the scariest thing there was. I've found that out. When you left me Angel, I didn't think I could go on. But I did, because it seemed like everyone around me thought it was a good thing. So I forced myself to be this Happy-Buffy that everybody so wanted to see. I convinced myself that getting into a new relationship was a good thing, even when I knew it wasn't. And I tied myself up so much in this new life that I began to neglect all the things that I cherished in the old.

"Do you want to know why I dislike Faith so much?" Angel nodded, not daring to interrupt. "Because she brings out so many of my insecurities. About us mostly. Do you know what she did to me when she came out of her coma? She switched bodies with me, living my life, screwing my boyfriend. The first I can handle, but do you think Riley even knew?" Buffy shook her head. "And that told me that my first instincts were right, but I ignored them again."

"Buffy, you just wanted a normal."

"I never wanted normal, Angel! I've only ever wanted you!" Buffy burst into tears. "That's all I've ever wanted since I was sixteen! And I know I've ruined all chance of anything being right between us again."

Angel pulled her stiff frame to his. "Buffy, what are you talking about? You haven't done anything."

"But you ordered me out."

"Oh god, Buffy, I'm so sorry. It was said in the heat of the moment. I could never do that to you.why do you think I'm here."

"I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to beat me up."

Angel gave a small grin against her hair. "I don't think I could even if I wanted to."

"I know things can't go back to good with us, but Angel, I can't not have you in my life anymore. It's too hard."

"We'll work this out somehow," assured Angel, stilling at the knock on the door.

Buffy growled, pulling from Angel's arms and opening the door. "Riley."

"Buffy.what is he doing here?" demanded Riley, pushing his way into the room and going to stand nose to nose with Angel.

Buffy quickly moved to stand between, not wanting Riley's blood all over her room. "Riley, me and Angel need to talk, could you.?"

Riley stubbornly crossed his arms, leaning against Willow's desk. "I'm not leaving this room."

Buffy sighed and with a look to Angel, left the room. Angel smirked at Riley and followed her out, the door closing behind him. Once in the hallway, they stood apart, staring longingly at one another. "I don't like him," said Angel.

Buffy grinned at him. "I don't much like him either."

Angel reached a hand out, gently touching her bruised cheek. "I better go."

Buffy nodded softly, her hand catching his as it withdrew. "Angel.?"

He smiled at her unasked question, daring fates as he kissed her temple. "I'll call you later." Taking her hand, he slipped a small envelope into it, before turning, his duster flaring, and walking down the hall.

Looking down at the gift, Buffy quickly opened it, finding a business card with a phone number and what looked like a lobster, and a ring. Grasping it with gasp, she looked up, finding Angel gone from sight. With a soft smile, Buffy slid it onto her ring finger, heart pointed in.

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