Rating: PG-13 (deals with male anatomy)
Pairings: B/S, A/C and...B/A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Duh.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Please, don't depress me with the thought of actually owning them.
Feedback: Like chocolate. Addictive.
Distribution: sure, let me know and I'll be glad to give it to you.
Spoilers: Hell's Bells, Two to Go, Grave, Wrecked, Smashed, Doublemeat Palace
AN: Asterisks mean a motion on the tape, like getting hit.

Angel came out of his office. He gave one last look to the Post-It note in it's pale yellow and then put it into his back pocket. He turned to face his friends and waved the VHS tape in the air.

"I have the new tape. Buffy guaranteed me there was no kissing or dancing in this one. Hey, Cor, she's not even IN the tape," said Angel with a grin.

"No, but she was here. You were kissing her!" announced Cordelia jealously, letting her envy show through every syllable.

"Hey, man, was it good?" asked Gunn. "Cause, it looked, well, damn."

"That's not the right question to ask, Gunn. Angel is very protective," said Wesley, who was secretly dying to know if the kiss was as good as it looked from afar.

"Okay. Was she good? Is that the correct question?" asked Gunn.

"I'm not telling. Now, come on, everybody. Here's the real deal, the actual tape."

Cordelia and Angel who sat far apart, Gunn and Fred, who sat close together, and Wesley hovered around the TV.

Willow came on the screen.

Willow: Hey, everybody. Hi, Angel and Cordelia. Are you two dating yet? *Gets hit by Xander* Okay, ow, that hurt. Wrong question to ask. Sorry. I'm Willow Rosenberg, Buffy's best friend. The guy next to me is Xander Harris. Say hi, Xander.

Xander: I don't want to say hi to Dead Boy. *Gets hit* God, we're violent. Wonder who we got that from? Oh yeah, Buffy.

Willow: Here is our tape, Angel. It's June now and I think we have a lot to catch up on, since you never call or write or email or send smoke signals. We have a lot to tell you.

Xander: Spike has a soul!

*Spike enters room*

Spike: Do you have to tell the bloody world?

Willow: Sorry, it was going to come up eventually.

*Spike sits down on the couch with Xander and Willow. He takes a drink out of his coffee cup.*

Spike: Hello, you bloody wankers in Los Angeles. Angel, I am getting great pleasure in informing you that I've been bedding the Slayer.

*Spike gets hit*

Spike: Bloody hell, Red. I know I'm sexy, but keep your hands off of me! That's Buffy's job to handle me.

Cordelia sighed and said, "Ugh."

Willow: Spike was joking about sleeping with Buffy. He's such a kidder!

Spike: Well, I didn't try to end the world with my boogedy-boogedy black magick, now did I?

Willow: *crying* Did you have to bring that up, you piece of scumbag slayer reject crap?

Spike: I'm not a Slayer reject. That's Xander.

Angel reached up and hit pause on the tape.

"Buffy had sex with Xander? Buffy had sex with Spike! Buffy had sex with Riley! Why can't Buffy have sex with me?" asked Angel.

Everyone looked at him.

"Need I draw a diagram?" asked Wesley.

"Start the tape again man," said Gunn.

Angel hit the play button.

Willow: Buffy didn't have sex with Xander, Angel. I know that's what you're thinking.

Xander: So, what if she did? Buff and I are needy. I left Anya at the altar because this demon guy told me a big fib. And Buffy boinked Spike! Well, Spike boinked Anya…Spike's been boinking just about everybody- but Buffy the most. Not that I don't want to, you know, with her…

Spike: You know she wouldn't let your whanger within a five-mile radius of her pants.

*Spike winks at screen*

"I'm going to kill him!" shouted Angel.

Willow: Angel, calm down. Buffy didn't have sex with Xander.

Anya: Damn straight she didn't. Hi, everybody, I'm Xander's ex-fiancé Anya Emerson. The one he left at the altar. Stupid men.

Xander: An, why are you in the movie?

Anya: Well, I am a part of the last several years. Ever since Giles destroyed my necklace-

Willow: Enough! No one cares! I'm running out of tape. Let me summarize the last three years with help from diagrams and photographs. [Slaps a photo of Buffy and Riley on the table. She then rips it in half.] O-ver. Slimy fish boy.

"Yes!" shouted Angel.

Willow: Joyce died. So, she's not in the movie. Spike and Buffy had sex [holds up two stick figures in a bed]. A lot! But then Riley, who persuaded Buffy to dump Spike, caught Buffy and Spike together in the crypt. Although, the handcuff bruises around her wrists should have been a dead giveaway.

Xander: Bondage? Oh, gross. I would have thought Deadboy would have tried it. No offense, Angel!

Spike: Where do you think she got it? Good job, Angelus, I'm still reaping the bodily benefits. And believe me when I say STA-MI-NA. Bloody hell, I get no sleep!

"I know I'm good," commented Angel to the TV with a egotistical nod of the head.

The L.A. Crew looked at him again, all with raised eyebrows.

Willow: Moving on! Okay, I tried to end the world. It didn't work because Xander saved the world. That's right, Cordelia, Alexander Lavelle Harris saved the world. What else… I skinned the guy that killed my girlfriend.

Xander: It was nasty. And it smelled.

Willow: Xand is a carpenter, Spike is unemployed, Dawn's at school- at the recently built Sunnydale High, may I add. Giles moved back to England. I still go to college, Anya used to work in the Magic Box before I destroyed it, and Buffy works the drive-thru window. It's not exactly the life any of us wanted. Angel, I know it's not the life you wanted to give her, but it's the one she ended up with.

Xander: Yeah, smooth move, Deadboy.

*Buffy enters in her god awful work outfit*

Buffy: Whatcha doing?

Xander: Nothing. Just fixing the camcorder.

Buffy: And you needed Spike because?

Spike: I'm just lending a manly hand, Slayer.

Anya: He was trying to lend a manly something else.

Buffy: Trust me, I've seen it, it isn't manly. Now Angel on the other hand..

Anya *eyes wide, giddy*: Are you SERIOUS?

*Buffy nods* Buffy: Totally. I mean..

*loudly* Xander: Ugh, Buff, thanks for the disturbing-as-hell visual.

Willow: Enough talk about Spike's penis! And Angel's, too! I'm an ending this movie now before I feel the need to vomit. Call us, okay?

*The screen fades to black.*

Gunn looked at his boss.

"You actually know these people?" asked Gunn sympathetically.

"Unfortunately," replied Cordelia. "I can't believe they talked about your-you know-your-"

"Male reproductive organ," finished Fred with a tiny smile.

"Right. Your male reproductive organ," agreed Cordelia with a roll of her eyes.

"I thought Buffy was kinda sexy in that Drive-Thru window outfit," mumbled Angel in embarassment.

"Angel, you'd think Buffy was sexy if she was wrapped in cellophane and covered in chocolate syrup," said Cordelia. "Eww. Scary, SCARY visual place. At least you guys can't go around breaking tables."

"Well, I'd lose the cellophane," mumbled the vampire.

"Once again, you're thinking with your male reproductive organ," said Cordelia in exasperation.

"Angel, is that Spike guy a vampire?" asked Fred.

"My grandchild. Scary, isn't it?"

"Very."

"To think he slept with your ex, man. Ugh," noted Gunn.

"Look at the time! We should all head home and leave Angel to do something constructive. No whacking off!" announced Cordelia.

"Ew!" was the response from their friends.

"She's being sarcastic, people. Good night," said Angel with a shake of his head.

Everyone was gone from the hotel when Buffy reappeared, in a thin sheet of cellophane holding a bottle of chocolate syrup.

"Buffy, what-?" asked Angel.

Buffy placed a finger on his lips. She reached around and pulled the yellow Post-It note from his pocket, letting her fingers linger for a moment. She slipped it into his hand.

"Turn it over," whispered Buffy in a husky voice.

Angel flipped over the yellow post it note.

"Surprise, baby. Your soul is permanent," he read.

A slow, genuine grin spread across Angel's face. He let the Post-It note fall from his hand. It fluttered to the ground.

"You planned this, didn't you?" asked Angel as Buffy flew into his arms, planting kisses all over him.

"Of course I did," replied Buffy, hurriedly unbuttoning his shirt.

Angel laughed and picked her up, throwing her into a fireman's carry. He ran up the stairs, barely able to keep from making love to her right there on the staircase. He threw her down on the bed.

"I understand you like chocolate syrup," said Buffy. "I'm all yours." She tossed him the plastic bottle of syrup, which Angel caught with ease.

"For how long?" teased Angel, coming near her on his hands and knees.

"All night long."

"You sure you can last that long?" Angel asked, pressing down on her, ripping off the cellophane.

"STA-MI-NA."

Angel grabbed her and kissed her, beginning a long, LONG, LONG night of passion.

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