Feedback: Please
Distribution: LOD
The characters in this fic are not mine, though the dialogue is solely my own, as the story is my creation.
AN: Un beta-ed, wrote it in ten minutes!

Did you ever wonder why we fall in love?

Do we fall in love out of necessity? Out of derailment of pain, or out of blind stupidity that forces us forward, legless and sightless into the dark abyss?

Can it be stopped? Can we quit loving and start anew, saving all of that bottled up affection for someone else to have? Do we say that we love them when really the love we hand them belongs to someone else?

Sure we do, for we have no other choice.

Love builds up and it burns you from the inside out. It scratches and claws it's way free of your confines. When it happens, you are struck dumb and are now at love's mercy. You have no choice but to give it again, to someone less deserving than the one whose love they now cradle in their hands.

I tried so hard to love the Seer, to use her as a distraction for the pain and loneliness I felt. Although I was surrounded by friends, I felt truly alone. I showered meaningless praise and affection on her, trying so hard to convince myself that this was *right* and that we were *meant to be*, *fated*. That by loving Cordelia, I would finally be one of them.

But miserably I failed, as I always fail. I was so close to convincing myself that this was a possibility, that I could love Cordelia as much as I loved...*her*. And in the end I failed because I couldn't give Cordelia what she needed and probably deserved. I couldn't scrounge up one little ounce of love to hand to her because it was all gone, my heart a dry well, the lifeblood already portioned to others.

So I suffered in silence, silently strangling myself with my own affections. I suffered while my friends pranced and joked around me, clueless to the fact that my heart was dying. Dying from loss, from miss, from deprivation.

And as I died inside, I became a different man on the outside. I became a man I am not proud of. I tried to conform, to be someone I wasn't in a place I shouldn't have been in. I followed the stupid human traits, took up stupid human habits, and changed my personality to lessen the pain of my crumbling heart.

Her love kept me strong, kept me going. It was a single light in the dark night, the sole beacon of hope. She never let me down, never betrayed me as all the others I have loved have done. I can try to forget, bury the past deep into the earth's deep crust.

But as the years passed, though her voice faded and her smile slipped, I couldn't forget what her love did to me, how it made me feel. How no one could come close to loving me the way had.

Without her love I am a useless man, a shell trying to be more.

Without her love, I am nothing.

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