Feedback: Always welcome.
Disclaimer: If I were Joss Whedon, would I be writing fan-fic about my storyline-deprived, sad shadows of their former selves, millions-of-dollars-making characters just so I could have a happy ending? Okay, yeah, probably! :)
Also, the song "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" is by Sarah McLachlan off of her Mirrorball CD. I just...love this song!
Spoilers: You don't have to read my fic Jet Black before this, it's just kinda a sequel-y thing. No real spoilers, just A/C and B/S badness
Rating: PG-14, at least

Sometimes, on nights I can't sleep high up in my Los Angeles hotel, I close my eyes and remember. I remember something long lost but not forgotten or aged by time. I open the window, and if I try hard enough I can still hear her voice calling to me.

I submit to the memories as they crash upon me like freezing, torrid waves. I remember how my whole body felt as though it was on fire when she would walk into a room, wondering if she could feel my blood boil inside my veins. I submit to her phantom touch as it graces me, filling me with need so badly I nearly cry out.

//All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath//

I can feel her hand as it graces my cool skin, trailing up my neck and to my hair. I feel her fingers as they idly run through my hair and I jerk almost spasmically at the feelings that one simple motion is bringing to the surface. She kisses me, her lips finding mine, and I want nothing more than to hold her next to me, to feel her around me, as I show her my love.

I look into her eyes, and I am not shocked by the intense feelings I see, because I feel the same way. I am startled to find out that her eyes are just mirroring what I have in mine, and I pull her closer, still needing her phantom touch.

//And if I shed a tear, I won't cage it
I won't fear love and if I feel a rage
I won't deny it
I won't fear love//

Our bodies meld and become as one, and I'm so happy.

So happy, because my worries and strife have fallen away and all there is is this moment, there is only us. Only Buffy and Angel, finally having their moment together to share their love. My lips grace the crown of her forehead as she lets out a small cry and I smile, knowing I'm making her ever so happy.

//Companion to our demons
They will dance and we will play
With chairs, candles and clothes making darkness in the day
It will be easy to look in or out upstream or down without a thought//

My lips part slowly as I struggle to admit how I feel, to tell her what she yearns to hear me say as we still lay entwined together after pure ecstasy. I run a gentle hand down her arm, and she turns to look at me. I nearly fall apart from the pure emotion I see in her beautiful eyes.

"I love you."

She turns and looks at me, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"I don't."

//And if I shed a tear, I won't cage it
I won't fear love and if I feel a rage, I won't deny it
I won't fear love//

My whole world crashes down as I gasp for a precious breath. My head flies from it's soft down pillow confines. I bring a hand to my face and feel that their are rivers of tears running down my face.

It's over, my dream, the memories, my love, my life. All over.

I clutch my pillow tightly and strain to hear into the wind, trying desperately to hear a trace of her voice.

It's not there, and I am alone. Always alone, left only with her phantom touch.

//Peace in the struggle to find peace
Comort on the way to comfort
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
I fear...//

I pull the blankets tightly around my body and shiver as cold, compounding truth racks my mind. Left alone with her phantom touch, I realise the truth.

She doesn't love me anymore.

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