Disclaimer: Please. I don't even want them. 'Hot in
Here' and UPS Boxes are not mine.
Rating: Pg-13 for sexual references and language
Distribution: Lemme know!
Feedback: YES, YES, YES!
AN: 6/3, hints of B/A, B/S, A/C. Spoilers for Hell's Bells, As You Were. This is just a little story I wrote one weekend on a sugar high.
Dedication: Toni, Tia, Kat, Heather, and Derek- JC's all the way!

Willow looked at Xander and Dawn. "So, the tape for Angel is done. Let's box it up and you can drop it off when you leave for work, Xand." Willow handed Xander the box for the VHS tape. "Thanks."

"I get volunteered for everything," grumbled Xander, taking the empty box.

"Dawn, grab the tape from the coffee table."

There were two cassettes on the coffee table. Dawn grabbed the one on the left and handed it to Xander. Xander put it in the VHS tape box and waited for Dawn, who he was dropping off at school.

"Are you sure Angel will like a tape from the Scoobs?" asked Willow as she shut the front door at Casa Summers.

"You're not asking me this," said Xander with a grin.

"He hasn't seen any of us in two years. I'm sure that he'll love to see this," said Dawn in a reassuring way. She gave Willow a smile and watched as Xander dropped the tape (in its UPS box) in the blue mailbox as they walked to Xander's car.

<>

Cordelia bent down and picked up a small, rectangular UPS box from the front steps of the Hyperion Hotel, HQ of Angel Investigations.

"Angel! We got a package!" shouted Cordelia, coming back inside.

"Really?" asked the vampire, suddenly appearing in the hotel. "Who from?"

"Sunnydale," said Cordelia with a small smile. "It's a video."

"Round everybody up and let's watch it," suggested Angel.

Fifteen minutes later, Gunn, Wesley, Fred, Cordelia, Lorne, and Angel were gathered around Angel's TV/VCR/DVD/Playstation. Angel took the letter that came with the video and read it out loud.

"Dear Angel and everyone who works with him, hello from the Hellmouth! How are you all? Everything's…pretty crappy here right now. But we decided to take the calmest time we've had in a while and catch up with our old if not quite friends in L.A. who are seemingly on a different planet. -Insert, smiley face from Willow- There's a lot going on here, and Xander and I imagine there's some pretty bad stuff going on in LA, too. Yes, I think Xander cares. Can you tell that Willow is writing this, Angel? Because she is, I'm just watching- Xander.

Okay, well, the tape should bring you up to speed on what the hell has been going on here for the last two years. Cordelia- did you fall off the face of the earth? At least Angel comes home- I mean back, to snoop around.

Love from Willow and Dawn, good luck from Xander, and utter and complete disgust and hatred from Spike.

P.S. Buffy isn't in the movie we sent. She said she didn't care. Sorry."

Angel took the VHS tape and popped it into the VCR. A moment later, a dark screen started. Angel and Cordelia recognized the room on the TV as the obviously remodeled Bronze.

"What is Buffy doing on that stage?" asked Wesley, squinting at the TV.

"Why is Buffy even in this movie?" asked Cordelia jealously. "For someone supposedly not caring, she sure is in the tape a lot so far."

"Oh Jesus!" shouted Gunn. "That girl is fine! And Look at what she's doing!"

On the tape, Buffy, Spike, and Xander were dirty dancing. Buffy was in the middle with Spike behind her and Xander in front of her. She was grinding up against Spike, who had his arms draped around her waist. She had one arm in the air and her other arm was around Xander's waist, who was grinding up against her.

"Is that Xander with Buffy?" asked Cordelia in extreme jealously.

"And she's with SPIKE?" shouted Angel.

Fast rap music, Nelly's 'Hot In Here' was blasting over the Bronze's speakers.

"Is that Buffy? As in Angel's Buffy? As in the vampire slayer Buffy?" asked Gunn, pointing at the Slayer, who was sweating and now only wearing a skimpy top and a tiny skirt. She had shed her jacket.

"She's not his," snapped Cordelia warningly. Wesley frowned at her and shrugged off her comment.

"That's her, all right. I've seen her do that before," said Angel.

"With you?" asked Fred shyly.

Cordelia began to laugh hysterically. "Yeah, right. Angel doesn't dance. Pretty much because he sucks at it." They were all startled when Willow, on the tape, started to laugh.

"I think Xander is having a really good birthday party," said Willow. She was out of shot and the L.A. Crew could not see her.

"They're drunk, Willow," noted a quiet voice that belonged to Tara.

"Oh," said Angel, Cordelia, and Wesley together.

"Where's Anya?" asked Tara quietly.

Willow laughed again and said, "Over there, flirting with Giles." The camera moved slightly to show Anya flirting with Giles, who was flirting back.

"Ew," said the L.A. crew in unison.

"He's so old," complained Fred.

"And British," noted Cordelia.

"Hey!" yelled Wesley in self-defense.

"Ooh! Ooh! Look at Buffy and Spike!" shouted Tara.

The Bronze was a blur as Willow raced to focus the camera on the stage. Xander had backed off, not able to keep up with Buffy and Spike anymore. He was walking down the stage to rip Anya from the fiftyish Giles, who was laughing like a maniac and holding a beer.

Angel's eyes widened as he watched the situation on the stage. This was certainly not the video he had expected from the description in the letter. Buffy was straddling the bleach-blond vampire, who held her as tight to his body as he could. There was a very sexual rhythm to their movements…almost as if they had had sex before and knew the rhythm.

Buffy's head (which now held very short hair) rolled back and forth and she smiled. The camera zoomed forward to catch facial expressions. *Willow and Tara were having too much fun with this,* thought Angel.

Buffy placed a hand on Spike's back and let it trail, making the vampire on the stage (and the vampire in hotel) shiver.

"Okay, that's enough for me," stated Cordelia. She moved to leave the room.

"Sit DOWN!" shouted Angel. "I am not watching this alone."

"You're going to keep watching?" asked Cordelia in shock. "Your ex is all over Spike. It's kinda like porn."

"'Cept they ain't naked and doin' the nasty," added Gunn.

"Not yet," mumbled Cordelia, sitting down on the couch next to Angel.

"She's drunk," insisted Angel.

"Sure, you tell yourself that," snapped Cordelia, sitting back down beside him.

-Sunnydale-

"Oh, damn it!" shouted Willow.

"What is it?" asked Tara.

"We sent the wrong tape to LA," said Willow, her eyes wide. She held a tape in her hand, which was now shaking violently.

"Oh my goddess. You mean the one with Buffy and Spike?" Tara said in a high squeaky voice.

"Angel is going to see that tape," said Willow with a fearful look on her pale face.

"Good. I'm glad!" spoke up Spike, who entered the room with a mug of pig's blood.

"Shut up," said Willow and Tara together.

-Los Angeles-

"They're…"

"That's…"

"I'm not even sure that's…."

"…Possible…"

"That…can't be comfortable…"

"Is her hand in his pants!?" shouted Angel.

"No!" replied his co-workers.

"Oh good lord," muttered Gunn. "I need to go somewhere. Alone. With some vaseline."

"Angel, when did Buffy turn into such a ho?" asked Cordelia.

Buffy and Spike were in a very, very compromising position on the floor of the Bronze. They weren't dancing anymore, that's for damn sure. Angel had the strangest look on his face, as if he would willingly give his left arm to be the one underneath her on that stage.

Willow had long deserted her camera, so had Tara.

"How could this go on at a birthday party?" asked Fred, who was watching the video in amazement tinged with fear.

"Fred, you've never met these people. They're hormone driven," offered Cordelia.

"They're usually not this bad," said Angel, "but they're drunk."

"Ooh! Buffy and Spike are coming towards the camera!" exclaimed Wesley, pointing at the sweaty couple who was coming closer to them. Angel slapped his hand over Gunn's eyes.

"You can see one of her breasts!" shouted Angel.

"Man, get your hand off, then!" yelled Gunn, trying to pry the vampire's fingers from his eyes. Angel's hand fell away from the African American's eyes as the dialogue started.

"Oh, god, Slayer," mumbled Spike. He reached an arm around her waist and pulled her close to him.

"Spike, don't," said Buffy, putting a hand up in defense. Backing away and from his embrace, she reached for her drink, which was in a green plastic cup.

"What's wrong with a little after party shag?" asked Spike, pulling a flask from his leather jacket.

"Spike, you're a pig," stated Buffy with a roll of her eyes.

"That's my girl!" yelled Angel. Cordelia socked him in the stomach, causing the vampire to hack.

Spike gave a laugh and said, "You didn't have a problem with it last night. Or this morning, or this afternoon. Hell, you practically attacked me in the bathroom when we got here."

Angel froze, his hand fell into his lap, and he felt suddenly nauseous.

"Spike, just stop. I'm not in the mood," said Buffy angrily.

"Come on Slayer. Angel and Riley must have taught you stamina or you wouldn't be standing here right now," snapped Spike.

Buffy raised her hand and hit him. Spike stumbled into some chairs. Buffy looked at him angrily.

"Ooh, Peaches and Captain Cardboard still a rough spot, huh?" asked Spike with a throaty laugh. He wiped the blood away from his lip and approached the Slayer again. "Leave Angel out of this," stated Buffy with anger in her eyes.

Spike took another drink from his flask and gave a drunken laugh. "He was that good, huh. Damn, I guess he didn't teach me enough about how to treat a woman in the sack."

"God, Spike, leave him out of this. I can't- don't want to talk about Angel, okay?" asked Buffy, finally setting her empty plastic cup down on the table.

Angel was riveted to the screen; he didn't even notice when Cordelia waved her fingers in front of his face.

"Pet, do you still love Peaches?" asked Spike seriously.

"Jesus Christ, Spike. I don't know anymore. He's moved on…probably fucking Cordelia, and here I am, fucking you. The whole Angel thing is really not something I talk about. Ever."

"We are not having sex!" Angel yelled at the TV. Obviously, the TV didn't respond.

"Then if you don't know how you feel about him, how come when we sleep together you close your eyes? You turn away from me and don't let me touch you afterwards," said Spike. His tone had softened considerably and the drunken tinge was gone from his voice.

"Maybe I don't like to look at you when…we're doing that," said Buffy, her defenses finally gone.

"If you don't love him, how come sometimes when we're together…you cry out his name?" asked Spike softly, as if the words he was speaking were killing him.

The remote control in Angel's hand clattered to the floor.

-Sunnydale-

Xander paced the living room at Buffy's house. Buffy sat on the stairs, fuming.

"I cannot believe Dawn did this. Angel is going to see me practically having sex with Spike at your birthday party. I am mortified," said Buffy.

"It was just a dance or several," soothed Xander.

"You don't understand. Spike and I had a conversation. I didn't realize the camcorder was on and it taped our extremely personal conversation," said Buffy.

"Oh, god, Buff. What did you say?"

"Spike just told Angel, Cordelia, and all their friends that sometimes when Spike and I would have sex…" Buffy's voice trailed off.

"Yeah?" said Xander nervously.

"I'd say Angel's name."

"Oh, no," said Xander as he abruptly stopped pacing.

-Los Angeles-

Angel bent down to pick up the remote control. He and his associate sat in utter disbelief. Cordelia made a small noise. Then, suprisingly, Angel laughed.

"This is a joke, right? Buffy and Spike haven't been having sex, right?" asked Angel, looking around the room.

"Man, I'd be happy if a girl that fine was saying my name when we was freakin'," said Gunn. "Even if she was with that thing."

"This thing isn't on, right?" asked Buffy, looking into the camera. It gave Gunn, Wesley, and Angel a perfect view down her top.

"Who cares. I'm going home. I've had enough for tonight," mumbled Spike.

Buffy sighed and closed her eyes. "Fine, Spike. Go." She turned back to the camera. "Just in case." Buffy reached forward and pressed a button, then she (along with the Bronze) was gone.

Just as the tape stopped, the phone rang.

"Angel Investigations. We help the helpless, hopeless, hell...just...hello," said Wesley. "Hello, Willow. Yes, we just got the tape. Yes, we saw the whole thing. Angel's still in one piece, no heart attack or anything. But he broke the remote. Willow! He wasn't doing anything with the remote. Here, do you want to talk to him yourself?"

Wesley handed Angel the phone.

"Hi, Willow," said Angel.

"God, Angel, we are so sorry you got that tape. It was an accident. I meant to erase the tape, and we had them both on the table…"

"Willow, it's okay. You know I would have given my left arm...right?" asked Angel.

"I know. And she's fine. She and Spike quit having sex a while ago. This was after Riley sort of walked in on them," explained Willow.

"They really WERE having sex? Why was Riley there?" asked Angel.

"Gimme the phone, Angel!" ordered Cordelia. He looked at her and caved.

"Hi, Willow. This is Cordelia Chase. Yes, were you trying to give my boss a coronary? Or worse- were you trying to arouse him? Because he has enough problems keeping his hormones in check. He doesn't need Spike and Buffy dry humping to do that for him."

"Cor," warned Angel.

"And besides. He likes me now."

"I do?" asked Angel.

"He does?" asked a fourth voice. "Well, this is a surprise."

Everyone turned to see the quite pretty Buffy Summers standing on the steps of the Hyperion. Her hands were on her hips and you could see the outline of her body through her top and leather pants.

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