Feedback: Don't be cruel and make me beg for it!
Distribution: You want it.just ask. Chances are I'll say yes.
Disclaimer: How many times do I have to say this? Not mine. If they were, we'd all be a lot happier!
Summary: Buffy spends some alone time in a park. During season four, after the crossovers and the battle with the Initiative. The way I would hope Buffy is truly feeling, even if she isn't showing it.

The sun shone brightly, but the dark glasses she wore protected her eyes. Glasses that would also disguise the pain and bitterness she felt as she looked out at the smiling faces around her.

Didn't they know? Couldn't they sense the dangers that surrounded them?

Of course they couldn't. That privilege and responsibility was hers alone. Do what they would to help, even those who backed her up on her nightly battles would never fully understand. She couldn't help but remember what Whistler had told her years ago.

'In the end, you're all you've got.'

At the time, she'd thought he was referring only to her upcoming battle with Angelus. But now, now she knew better. No matter how many times their assistance had saved her life, there would come a time when she would have to ask them to back away from her and let her meet her destiny, alone.

Those around her would go on about their lives; laughing, smiling, making love, enjoying everything life had to offer. Forgetting or not even knowing what she had sacrificed to make it possible. For a moment, she contemplated yelling it all out, ordering them to take control of their own safety and well being and leave her alone. But she remained silent, her mind drifting towards an even more painful subject.

Angelus. Angel. At the thought of he that had wounded her so deeply, a tear threatened to escape her eye, but she forced it back. No, he wasn't worth crying over, not anymore. After all his betrayals this year, the possibly irreparable damage he had done to her relationship with Riley, to her relationship with him.

The tear that she struggled to hold back finally burst forth. The things she had said to him when he'd last been here, the things she'd convinced herself that she meant. But the worst of it wasn't that she'd said those things. No, the worst of it had been the look in his eyes. Pain, betrayal, love. It was the love that did her in, made her realize that Angel understood her more than she even knew herself.

Hate it though she would, hate him though she would, she would always love him. No matter how many times they hurt or betrayed one other.

Something bounced off her ankle and she barely repressed a curse as she looked down to see what it was. A brightly coloured ball sat beside her foot, almost as if it was begging her to play. She stared at it for a few moments, trying to recall her own childhood. Sickened, she realized that she couldn't. Those memories were rapidly being swallowed up by the darker thoughts that plagued her nights.

A tiny shoe appeared in her field of vision, alerting her to the presence of another person. She looked up to see a blonde, pig-tailed girl staring at her angrily, then looking pointedly back down at the ball.

"Can I have my ball back, please?" The voice was sweet, high pitched. Innocent. Shaking her head ruefully, Buffy bent down to pick it up, tossing it up in the air a few times.

A small smile crept onto her face as her hands performed the familiar action. But instead of it being a stake she was throwing and catching, it was a child's toy. Before she could help herself, she grinned at the child and took off her sunglasses.

The girl's defensive posture relaxed slightly and her angry expression turned into a curious one. "I used to have one of these, but I lost it." There was a melancholy note to her voice, but Buffy couldn't help it.

A look of sad understanding crossed the girl's face and she smiled sympathetically. "My last ball was purple and blue, but I lost that one." She shrugged and her smile became happy again. "But my mommy bought me this one, so that's okay."

"Don't you miss your other one?"

The girl frowned, as if thinking hard about Buffy's question. "Yeah, it was my best toy. But I still like my new one. I'm still looking for my other one, and 'til I find it, I can play with this one." The girl looked down at the ground, as if suddenly remembering that it wasn't safe to talk to strangers. She twisted her fingers awkwardly, than gave Buffy a shy glance. "Um, can I have it back now?"

Buffy glanced down at the ball she still held, than smiled kindly at the girl. "Sure.catch." She tossed it gently, smiling even more when the tiny girl caught it and quickly ran off. She'd only run a few feet when she stopped and turned to look back, gazing intently at Buffy. Without warning, she giggled and waved shyly.

Buffy waved back, and the child's face lit up in a smile.

All the times Giles had lectured her about her sacred duty suddenly came rushing back to her. All the times she had complained about the lousy hand she'd been dealt, the pain she'd been put through because of it. And she didn't mind at all. Because in the face of this one child, she had found a truth that had eluded her for so long.

It wasn't about prophecies or musty old books. It wasn't about how many demons she'd killed or defeated. And it wasn't about how long or short her time here was going to be.

Maybe her life wasn't exactly what she wanted it to be. And maybe her life with Angel hadn't turned out how they'd hoped it would. But at least they had shared a part of it with each other. And with all she had lost and still could lose, that was a life that no one could take away from her. A life that she might find again, if she looked hard enough.

But until then.well, until then, she'd play with this one.

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