I wake up late this morning, panicking for a moment before I remember that it's a holiday. No psychology to rush to, no Professor Walsh to face. I don't have to worry about dealing with Riley today. A good thing, I think.

It's one of those days.

Willow looks like she's been up for hours already, preparing for the start of the next term. She's nothing if not dedicated, my Willow. Sometimes I wonder if I would have kept my sanity without her.

I study her closely for a moment. There's a lightness about her that I haven't seen since Oz left. It's good to see. She deserves some happiness after all she's been through. Not for the first time, I wonder if it's partially due to her new Wiccan friend, Tara. It seems as if she's finally found a kindred spirit - something I know I could never really be for her, no matter that I wish I could.

She finally notices I'm awake, sending a bright smile my way, asking me what I want to do today.

Good question.

I think I want to scream. I think I want to go and see my Angel. Maybe scream at him while I'm there; kill two birds with one stone. Or maybe I just want to love him, make love to him.

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need

In the end, I just smile and shrug. No use bringing up my wishful fantasies when nothing can come of them, right? Not really in the mood to talk, I make some feeble excuse about having to go take a shower.

It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed

The water washes away any of the tears before they even have a chance to settle. I'm grateful for that; they would only bring up questions I'm not ready to answer. Even the well-intentioned ones that Willow would ask. I'm sure she understands some of what I'm feeling, after everything with Oz. But still, she can't come anywhere close to understanding it all.

A sharp pain brings me back to the present. I'll have to remember to bandage that cut on my side. A vamp caught me unawares last night, clawed me something awful. A minor injury, really. Giles would be pissed that I didn't tell him, but there's no way he'll find out. And besides, I'm the slayer, these things are always going to happen. I'm surprised I'm not immune to the pain by now. Considering how much I've been through, I should be.

It'll be gone in no time, I'm sure. Almost as if it had never existed. But for now, it stings like hell.

You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes,
Or where it leads.

Willow has gone out now, probably to meet Tara and work on some spells. I hope it teaches her some more control over her powers, after all the recent messes she's gotten us into. Still, she seems to have found her path, I'm glad for her, really I am. Now if only I could do the same.

Sure, I managed to pick my courses for next term well in advance. And everything with Riley is going pretty well, if you discount the occasional awkwardness of our mutual nocturnal activities. He seems to be everything I could want or ask for in a man. He makes me happy, can definitely take care of himself and he's human, which is a plus. I should be thrilled with him. And Willow certainly seems to like him. She can't seem to say enough good things about him.

But I can't help wondering, should I have to do all this mental cheerleading? I never had to do it with Angel.

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need

There's that name again. Will I ever stop comparing people to him? Much as I'd like to hear a resounding yes, I think the real answer to that question is no. And in some ways, that please me, reassures me of the one constant in my life, even if he isn't around.

If you've made up your mind to go,
I won't beg you to stay.

And I didn't. I didn't once get down on hands and knees to convince him to stay. I can't help wondering, would it have done any good anyway? He had some valid points, I can admit that now. But then, so did I, for all the good they did. He really was thinking with his head that day, wasn't he? Had he forgotten what Spike told us so long ago?

He may have been right in some of what he was thinking, but I was right in what I was feeling. And when the end comes, which will be more important?

You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind,
You fly away.

Truth is, we were both in a cage. It's funny, that the thing that most people long for is what has caused us the most pain. And I wouldn't give it up for anything. Somehow, I don't think he would either.

When I saw him in L.A., even for that brief time, he seemed stronger somehow, more self -assured. Oh, the pain was still there, hidden somewhere in the depths of those dark eyes. But he also seemed to be at home there, in a way he never was in Sunnydale. Maybe I wasn't the one who needed to be freed after all.

It doesn't matter what I want,
It doesn't matter what I need

Even as I uttered the words, told him I was going to start forgetting, I knew it was a lie. And so did he. There were other words that should have been spoken, by the both of us, I suspect. But pride and wounded feelings kept them from being said. Too bad, they probably would have gone a long way in easing our pain.

I know he wants and needs the same thing I do, but I've finally come to a realization. We can't have it. Maybe we weren't meant to. Oh, I know that we were meant to love, and meant to be together. But were we destined for happiness? After all that's happened, I have my doubts.

It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed

My cut doesn't sting anymore, but that doesn't mean it isn't still there. When I move a certain way, it makes its presence quite well known.

And no matter how many tears I cry over him, I know my feelings will never be completely washed away, and I don't think I want them to be. Oh, in time the pain will lessen. If it weren't for seeing him again, maybe my pain would be less right now. But would it be worth the sacrifice? Would I want to give any of it up?

Feel the sting of tears,
Falling on this face you loved for years

I know he still loves me, that he always will. Even if it hadn't been evident on his face, mixed in with the pain, I would know. Because I know how I feel, and how I always will. He may be gone, but he is far from forgotten. I know the others believe my feelings for him have lessened, but then, they never could see the truth of what was between us. Why should it be any different now?

I only hope he isn't hurting as much as I am right now. He deserves so much more than that. So much more than I can give him right now.

A knock at the door announces Riley's arrival. Damn, I really wish he hadn't picked today to stop by. I know hanging around in my dorm room brooding won't do me any good, but either will being around him. I sigh deeply. He's a nice, stable guy, and I'm really not giving him credit. He does have his own way of making me happy. And I admit that maybe that's what I need right now.

Smiling, I let him lead me out the door, on some surprise outdoor excursion. The brightness of the sun makes me wish I'd remembered to grab my sunglasses, but I make no complaint. After all, this is what I want, right?

It isn't his fault that what I'm truly yearning for is a cozy chat by moonlight. A cold hand instead of the warm one that is holding mine right now.

And I keep the hope that maybe someday, I'll have that again. After all, it's okay for me to want that, isn't it?

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