Disclaimer: Yeah.they are all mine. Really. Uh huh.Actually, I think Joss might have something to say about that.
Summary: Angel goes to the oracles (who, for my purposes, are still alive) and asks them to do him a favour after an unpleasant talk with Buffy.
Notes: Take some discouraging talks about B/A, a recently renewed cynicism about life, add in a story idea that has been plaguing me for some time now, mix, bring to a boil - and this is what you get. It's not pretty and it's not what I would ever want or (god willing) expect to see..but hopefully it'll help to exorcise some of my demons.

"And you understand the consequences of this decision?"

He let the question rest for a long moment. The Oracle was gazing sadly at him, pity evident on her face. A look Angel wanted to hit her for, though he was grateful for it at the same time. Her companion was mercifully silent, perhaps sensing the gravity of the task ahead of them, and it's importance.

"I understand."

By saying those two words, he knew he was sealing his fate. Actually, if he was going to be honest, he was sealing Buffy's fate as well. Somehow he couldn't bring himself to care. It was over between them anyway, as she had so calmly informed him just days earlier. He couldn't even recall the other details of the conversation. Just the part when she admitted that any love she may have felt for him was gone.

She hadn't even looked remotely upset when she'd walked out of the room. Had merely given him a quick smile, a promise that Giles would call him should his assistance ever be required (as he unfortunately knew it would be) and her 'eternal gratitude' for all that he had done for her in the past.

They were still allies in a very brutal war, but that was it, that was all he meant to her now. Something that had once been so important to her was now only a painful memory of lessons learned the hard way. No amount of denial would be able to keep him from seeing the truth this time. Her intention hadn't been to hurt him; she was just speaking the truth. But that didn't make it any easier to bear, if anything, it made it harder. He shook his head as if to shake free of the memory, but it clung to him stubbornly.

"Are you willing to give it all up? The good with the bad?" The Oracle should have looked impatient by now. She probably would have been, had the look of abject misery not been so clearly etched on his face.

The question stunned him for a moment. Was he willing to do that? By coming here now, all he'd hoped to do was find an escape from the pain. He'd forced himself to forget about the happy times they'd shared. Happy times that now left only a very bitter taste in his mouth. While he'd still had her love, those times had actually been a comfort to him, even with the pain some of the memories could bring. But now?

Now they seemed to mock him, made him realize just how little it all must have meant, despite how it had appeared at the time. Everything they had overcome, all they had sacrificed, it didn't mean a thing. If he'd known then what would happen, that he would become merely the passing fancy of a schoolgirl, he would have done things far differently. That was why he was here now.

Because that which has not yet happened can still be avoided.

"Everything.I want you to take everything away." He lost all desire to speak at that thought, when he realized just how much light he was going to be taking out of his life, no matter how briefly and meaninglessly that light had shined.

The woman nodded and gave him and understanding smile. "As you have requested, so shall it be."

"Wait." His sudden hesitation startled them. "If I'm to do this right, I'll need my memories. I don't think I can carry that much, it would."

"Be far more than your mortal soul would ever be able to sustain." She frowned briefly before continuing. "Do you really think us so cold? A day's worth of memories may be a bearable load to shoulder, but there are only so many wounds one warrior can sustain before he can no longer fight."

"You mean I'll still..."

"Be fighting on our behalf? Did you ever think otherwise?" He shook his head, and she smiled at the look of relief that crossed his face. "The coming years will not be easy. With or without your slayer in your life, you will still have a place in this world, in our fight. And redemption can still be yours. One lower being cannot possibly hold such sway over the world, no matter what the task ahead of her."

Angel stared down at the ring on his hand, the one he still wore with the heart pointed inwards. "That will always be with you." He looked up, frowning in confusion. "The love you feel for this slayer? It was meant to be a part of you, none of the memories we take away can change that."

When he didn't immediately look up, the woman did something extraordinary. She placed a finger under her chin and tilted his head up, meeting his astonished gaze with her impassive one. "I can only promise that the pain will fade, and you will learn to appreciate the times you had together, as limited as they will soon become. We will take you back to a time when your departure would be the most logical, though it was never meant to happen in this way."

"When?" The finality of all this was a blow that was almost strong enough to bring him to his knees.

"That I cannot tell you." She resumed her position across the room from him, and he knew the time was near.

"How will I know what to do?"

"You will have the same knowledge that you currently possess to aid you." She raised a hand to stop his inevitable question. "Once the act has been done, you will keep only those memories that are essential to your fight. And just as before, your guide will be sent to you. You will not be alone in this battle."

The Oracle gave him one last sympathetic smile. "I truly regret that it has come to this, lower being. There is so much beauty in your soul, in your love for this woman. Even I could weep for what you have both lost. But if this is the path you find easier to take, I cannot deny you this choice."

Without another word, she waved her hand.

When the brightness cleared, Angel found himself in very familiar surroundings. The shock brought him to a momentary standstill, and he nearly dropped the box that he carried on his shoulder. Buffy gave him a startled glance before the melancholy look returned to her eyes.

He almost found himself swept away by it again, stunned by the love that he had forgotten could reside within her eyes, especially when directed at him. But then the memories rushed back at him.

All the harsh words they had spoken to each other over the years, the utter lack of emotion in her eyes as she told him he was nothing more than a fighter in a common battle. The certainty that what she had felt for him was merely a young girl's stubborn and melodramatic refusal to let go of a first love, but nothing that was truly significant to her.

He slowly withdrew his arm from around her shoulders, earning him yet another startled gaze. "I should go the rest of the way alone."

He carefully placed the box down, keeping it as close to himself as possible. He reached out and grabbed her hand, wanting to enjoy the feel of her love for as long as he could, even if it didn't go as deeply as his own did. The illusion was a nice one, but short lived.

"Okay." Her response was just as he remembered it. Certain, yet unsure. Emotional but controlled all at once. When he didn't respond, other than to release her hand and pick up the box, she gave him an astonished look, clearly expecting more. "You won't even tell me when you're coming back?"

Sighing heavily, he put the box back down, looking intently at her. As the Oracle had said, this was the most logical time to leave, before anything more could happen with Buffy. Before Angelus could be again released into the world. At the very least, he could leave her with pleasant memories of a brief high-school fling. Perhaps a part of her would always love him, would wonder what could have been.

For a moment, the greater temptation was to forget what he'd planned. To succumb to the desire to again feel himself sheltered within her arms. But he knew that too would be an illusion. That resolution gave him a kind of strength he hadn't possessed before.

"I'm not coming back."

Shock didn't even begin to describe the look that crossed her face, and she shook her head in fierce denial of what she had heard. "What do you mean, you're not coming back? You have to. I need you, Angel. I'll always need you."

He shook his head sadly, finding it hard not to take her into his arms, to take back to words he had just spoken. Had it not been for the fact that he knew for certain she would one day want him out of her life, he might have believed her.

"You don't need me. You never really needed me." She opened her mouth to speak again, but he gently silenced her. "You're young Buffy. Too young to realize it, perhaps, but I'm the last thing you need or really want. Besides, I can't keep holding you back from things. It'll only make it harder the longer I stay." He pointed towards the wooden box at his side. "This just helped decide the right time to go."

Buffy latched onto his arm desperately, tears running down her face unchecked. "Don't you love me, Angel?"

Though he didn't think it would have been possible, his heart broke even more. He reached out and gently brushed the tears from her eyes, savouring the feel of them on his fingertips, and he was only able to utter one word.

"Always."

Even without the memories of the past few years, he knew that would still be true. It was just a part of who he was. The pain of being without her would lessen over time, but the love wouldn't.

"Then why won't you come back to me?"

"Because that's not what you really want. Deep down, you know that."

"How can you say that to me?" Familiar anger crept into her voice, reminding him of events to come. Oddly enough, that lent him some strength. He opened his mouth to speak but she continued on. "After everything we said yesterday morning.I know you, Angel. You meant what you said."

He sighed as he gently placed a hand on her shoulder. "Yes, I did. But this is still better for us in the long run. There isn't any real future for us, no matter what we both want right now. I think you know that too."

She jerked away from him roughly, dislodging his hand. "No, I don't. Don't tell me what I know and what I don't know. I know that I want you, that I'll always want you." Breaking down in sobs, she flung herself at him, burying her head in his chest. "You can't leave me, not like this. Not today."

Her birthday. For a moment he'd forgotten exactly which day it was. He was tempted to put his hand in his pocket, to fumble around for the ring he knew he would find in there. Was tempted to still give her that ring. But all it would eventually become was a meaningless bauble, at least it would to her, so he didn't bother.

"Will you at least let me know when you get back from delivering that?" She indicated the box containing the arm. Unable to speak, he just shook his head. "You can't leave me wondering what's happened to you, you bastard. I deserve more than that from you. I deserve more than this."

He smiled bitterly as those words brought back memories of the last time they had spoken, except than she'd used them to explain why she didn't want him in her life. "I'll contact Giles when I get back, he'll tell you either way."

"Where will you go? What if I need you?"

He forced himself to step back from her, picking up the box as he went. Dru's flunkies would be here soon, he didn't want to risk losing the box again. "I'll know if you need me. If I have to, I'll come back to help you fight." She obviously wanted more, but he could hardly explain to her about Doyle, and definitely not about Cordelia.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "So you'll come back to help the Slayer, but not for me?"

How could he explain this to her, when it didn't even make sense to him? It was all so confusing, being a part of her life again, a part that she didn't regret.not yet anyway.

"That's all that was ever meant to be between us, Buffy." It was a lie, and he knew it. But it made it easier to leave her if he could at least convince her of that. "You'll find someone else to love, I'm just standing in the way of all that."

"Maybe I like you in my way." She was sniffling again, her eyes red and swollen from crying.

He smiled indulgently. "Maybe now you do. But someday.that'll all change." He leaned in and kissed her one last time. "I want to remember you this way."

She looked at him sullenly. "Miserable and crying over you?"

"No, I could never stand to see you cry." He wrapped one arm around her, fitting her securely to his body, burying his face in her hair. "But it'll have to be enough to know that you care about me, at least a little."

"It's more than that, Angel. I lo-"

"Don't say it, don't tell me that you love me. I don't think I could take it."

She pulled away then, as if she'd been burned, anger displacing the misery in her eyes. "If you leave me, I'll never forgive you."

He wanted to reach out and pull her close to him again, to soothe her. But he knew it was better this way, no matter how much it hurt right now. He bent and picked up the box for the last time, then turned to walk away. He'd only taken a few steps when he turned back to look at her, forcing himself to ignore the misery clearly written on her face. He just smiled sadly

"I guess you never could." He waited for the pain to at least lessen, for the memories to disappear. When they didn't, he knew it was because he had one final thing to do before he could leave and give them both some measure of peace. The one thing he'd never been able to do before.

"Goodbye, Buffy."

That's it...*ducks to avoid thrown objects*

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