Feedback. Yes please! But be gentle!
Disclaimer: Yeah.all mine. Uh huh..sure! Think I can convince Joss of that?
Rating: PG13? No idea..some naughty words that we hear on the show anyway, and some that we don't.
Author's notes: I was in a bitter, cynical mood when I started this fic, hence the angsty tone of it all. Plus, I think I just am incapable of writing fluffy stuff. I was sort of inspired by a story I read the other day. Kiley.thanks ever so much for your permission and for writing yours.
Summary: Angel doesn't want to be friends with Buffy. Silly sounding summary..silly sounding title. I'm awful at them. But I've learned to accept such things as being part of my charm. :)

"We should grab a coffee sometime."

I think that's what convinced me that it was really over. Or maybe it was the wedding invitation she pressed into my hand, smiling so earnestly the whole time. When she asked if I'd be coming, my response was simple.

"Definitely."

Well, what was I supposed to say? Anyone with eyes could see how happy she was. And who was I to destroy that happiness?

I could have sucked it up and told her about the prophecy, about how close I was to being human, if you discount an apocalyptic battle and a few other assorted demons, that is. At least, that's what Cordelia said I should have done. But what good would that have been? Close or no, there is no guarantee that I'll even make it through those battles. No guarantee that she will.

God, that thought makes me want to die, the thought of losing her forever. But I already have, haven't I?

She told me she wanted as many friends to be there as possible. Friends. Did she even hear what she was saying to me? Had she forgotten what Spike had so callously, but truthfully told us a scant few years earlier? I guess she had. Either that, or she'd found a way around it.

My money was on the second option; no encounter with Spike is easily forgotten. I wonder if she has some sort of secret she can sell me, because despite our friendly encounters over the past couple years, never did I consider her to be just a friend. But she clearly does, or how could it have been said so damn calmly? How could she invite me at all? Come to think of it, how could she be letting herself marrying someone, someone who wasn't me?

That's unfair, I realize. I left her so that she could have this, could have the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids, or whatever the statistic is these days. It's not exactly something I have to keep track of, now is it? But I also remember what she said to me that day in the sewer. I guess she lied.

She can change.

Again, I'm being unreasonable. Could I really expect her to wait around for me? Prophecy notwithstanding, a part of me thought that even if I couldn't have her; I could at least have her love. And once said prophecy came to pass, well.

Well, what? She'd open her loving arms and invite me back into them? Back into her bed? After the only encounter we've shared there, at least the only one she can recall, I can't blame her for being gun shy. Hell, I'm surprised she took me back at all, considering what I put her through.

But no, that's the old me, the one that was willing to wait for the sun to rise early one Christmas morning. I guess Buffy isn't the only one that can change. Maybe that's it. Maybe she liked being the strong one, the one in charge. Maybe I changed too much for her, did she think I wouldn't want her back just as badly after all I've been through?

There I go again, pinning my eternal hopes on it only being a misunderstanding between us. Who'd have thought it? Me, the eternal optimist. When I already know the cold hard truth.

This 'thing', whatever it is that was between us for so long. Whatever it is that still and will always have my head spinning, is over. It didn't end years ago, when I so dramatically walked into the smoke and out of her life. It didn't even end when we both took up other lovers, lovers who have come and gone with a strange sort of regularity.

No, it ended the moment she suggested we should grab a cup of coffee and catch up on things. Something you would say to a friend you'd just happened to encounter while walking down the street one day.

I'm glad she's so comfortable around me, after some of our more tense encounters it's nice to see that again. But I'd always thrilled at the emotion that would run across her face the moment she laid eyes on me, no matter how quickly she tried to cover it up. That didn't happen this time around. In fact, it was fairly reminiscent of all the times I'd told my friends that I'd meet them at the pub sometime.

A nice promise, but it never actually happens.

That's why I lied to her. Lied to her brightly shining eyes, her smiling mouth. Go to her wedding? Not even if you threatened me with hot pokers, and I know what those feel like.

Oh sure, I sent her a gift. A gift that Cordelia bought, wrapped and handed to me with a great deal of disgust. For all that she sometimes dislikes Buffy, she sure has a lot of faith in what she refers to as the 'forbidden love of all time'.

I sent the gift to Giles so that he could give it to her, and I sent her a card that explained why I was 'regretfully' unable to attend. Some bullshit excuse about an upcoming catastrophe, or whatever it was I could come up with at a moment's notice.

Was she upset by my absence? I honestly don't know, because I haven't tried to contact her since, didn't even bother to find out how the wedding went. And in my own way, I've made it difficult for her to keep in touch, should she even want to anymore. Friends come and go, that's just how life is. What we had, that was one thing that shouldn't have disappeared.

So I took it upon myself to disappear as well. I'll know if anything apocalyptic comes up, because Giles will find a way to get to me, I've made sure of that. Not only for the fate of the world, but for the slayer. It's hard to tell which one of us is more stubborn about her, though we love her in far different ways.

Did I mean to hurt her? Was my refusal to watch her marry another man my own way of striking back at her for something that isn't even her fault? Maybe it was.but my aim was not to cause her pain, not really. My reasons were selfish, that I'll admit, but they weren't all that misguided. I don't think they were, anyway.

She wanted as many friends as possible to be with her on her special day. But I'm not one of them, could never be one of them.

Because I'm the one vampire the slayer will never be able to kill. The vampire she loves.

At least, I used to be.

**

He's gone. Despite all his words to the contrary, his promises to keep in touch, to be there when I needed him. It's almost as if he had never even existed. Except for the pain.

He never even showed up that day, the day that was supposed to be one of the happiest of my life. All I got out of it was a card bearing the convenient excuse of an unexpected demon uprising and a cheesy statue of an Angel. A porcelain Angel with crudely drawn fangs added onto it.

Cordelia must have done that. Her not so subtle way of getting back at me for 'forgetting' the man who stood by her so loyally all these years. The man, that through an odd twist of fate, she was allowed to be with when I couldn't. Apparently even just the easy friendship that she shares with him is something I can't have. Because that's something he obviously doesn't want.

If you'd told me that a few years ago, I would have laughed. Just the thought of Angel turning his back on me would have been inconceivable. But he did.

I keep wondering where exactly I went wrong, what I should have done differently. After all, I knew and accepted my boundaries with him, no matter how much I hated them. And if friendship was all I could have with him, than that's what I was going to hold on to. I wanted him in my life in any way that I could have him.

Apparently that wasn't good enough for him. Selfish, immature prick. Poor little Angel can't have it all, so he gives everything up and takes off for parts unknown.

I know that's horribly unfair. Just as unfair as inviting him to my wedding was. But that was supposed to be my way of letting him know that I was grabbing whatever bit of life I could before it was too late for me. A part of life that till recently, despite everything I'd discovered, I still doubted Angel would ever be able or want to give me. I suppose inviting him was really a way of letting him know that I valued his friendship, that I could be content with that. And oh, how it hurt, hiding my feelings like that. I guess I did too good a job of it though, because from what Cordelia told me, that was the reason he left. He couldn't handle a friendship with me.

Chicken shit little demon, isn't he? He can face down the hordes of hell, but friendship with an ex-girlfriend is suddenly an impossible thing for him to handle.

I sound pretty angry, don't I? Too bad none of it is real. Because I know exactly how he feels. Truthfully, I don't know how long such a 'friendship' would have lasted, not with all that has passed between us. Probably just about as long as my marriage, which never actually happened, much to my mother's displeasure.

See, after I received Angel's card and "present", I found the idea of my upcoming nuptials growing more unpleasant. All the pretty white lace that adorned my gown seemed to mock me more and more at each fitting. The bridesmaids' gowns were suddenly as tacky to me as they must have been for the poor saps I had thought would wear them.

And the groom? My sweet and reliable husband-to-be? He wasn't enough anymore. Security and an easy love just wasn't enough. I would have wanted more, and it wouldn't have been fair to him. I cared too much about him to hurt him like that. Because I still craved the kind of love that possesses you beyond all rational thought, the kind you'd do anything to attain and keep.

The kind only Angel can give me.

Everyone around me, my mother especially, told me how foolish it was to believe in that particular dream again, that it would end up destroying me, especially now that I had everything I ever wanted. I don't know what she would have said if I told her that I'd never really given up on it. Did she honestly think a time would come when I didn't want to be with Angel? Maybe she did, I know she always thought that what was between us was weird, or maybe even some sort of rebellious teenage phase I was going through. After all, why else would a vampire slayer want to date a vampire? Besides, she's always told me that being optimistic is a good thing, something I should try more often. I guess it's only a good thing if it comes at a more opportune time.

I did tell her the last bit, by the way. She's chosen to not speak to me for a while, though from what I hear, she and my ex-fiancé have been having lunch together a lot. Probably a match-making scheme of hers. I think she's still convinced this is a phase I'm going through, just a severe case of cold feet. That's my mother. Loves me immeasurably, but she doesn't understand me, doesn't understand what or who I really am.

Though I never would have admitted this at the time, Angel was right to leave when he did, for both our sakes. What we had was too powerful, too intense. And doomed to fail. But not for the reasons you might suspect. Not because he's a vampire and I'm the slayer. Not even because of the curse, though I admit that was an issue that would have come up time and time again.

No, he was right to leave because I would have grown to resent him for what I'd never experienced. In fact, I guess you could say that it was my lack of experience that kept me from truly appreciating just what it was Angel and I shared. I wouldn't give up any one of the lovers I've had over the years. Not even Parker, though Willow would hit me if she ever found that out. Because not only did they each make me happy for a time, they all taught me valuable lessons. Lessons that I know would be of great help to what Angel and I would have to sort through if we wanted to give it another try.

There is so much I want to tell him, about how proud and happy I am that he's grown so much and helped so many people. And though he told me he was leaving for me, I know now that he was leaving just as much for himself. There was only so far we could take each other before we would end up destroying ourselves.

But I know that's no longer true. It could work this time. We could make it work. Even if it takes years for him to fulfill what the prophecy demands of him, we could make it work. Oh, I know he'd never tell me about it on his own, he's still too damn noble for his own good. But did he really think I took no interest in what he was doing?

Looking back, I can see how he would think that, why he would believe it. But it's not true. I just have to convince him of that.

All I have to do now is find him.

It really shouldn't be that hard. From what Giles has told me, the apocalypse is pretty much at hand, or will be soon. He assures me it's the real deal this time, none of the horsing around that we've been doing for years now. And it's strange, but in a sick sort of way, I'm almost looking forward to it.

Oh, not because I want to see the world destroyed or overrun by demons, but because it means there is finally an end in sight. The end of what, I'm not sure. My life? My life with Angel? My life without Angel? Well, whatever it is that happens, I know one thing for sure.

I can't wait to finally meet those hot shot "powers that be" so that I can give them a good punch in the nose. I hope I break it. For all the shit they've put me through, I'm owed no less. Who knows, maybe I'll give em a good swat for Angel too, if he doesn't beat me to it.

I know he'll be back for that, he wouldn't want to miss a party like the one we have coming up. Actually, he isn't allowed to. Because as much as the gang helps me out, as much as I appreciate it, when it comes to the final battle it's going to come down to only two people. Imagine that, two people standing against what could quite possibly be the end of the world.

And here I thought we were going to be outnumbered.

And if we can make it through that, I just might be able to convince Angel to take a walk with me. Nothing more romantic than gazing at absolute carnage while trying to rebuild a relationship that isn't far from that.

If we don't make it? Well, we have always the afterlife, I suppose. And if Angel hasn't earned the right to a peaceful one by now, I'll definitely have something to say about it.

The only thing I'm sure about is that either way, this ends things between Angel and I.

No more misery, no more heartbreak. I'm not going back to that, ever.

But I am willing to go forward.

After all, I bet he looks great in the sunlight.

Well...as far as I know..this is it. Course, I said that about "A Lost Soul" too, and look where I took that one! :)

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