Disclaimer: Yeah..sure..I like to torture innocents. No..they aren't mine.
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Summary: Buffy's thoughts as she goes back to Sunnydale after SANCTUARY.
Remember, these are her thoughts and doubts..not mine.

I wonder if there is a hole where Angel hit the wall? I know there is one where he hit me, even if he did apologize for it afterward. Maybe I shouldn't have struck him first.maybe.

Funny, you'd think it wouldn't hurt this much, seeing as we were already broken up and everything. But it does.

I used to just sit in my bedroom at night and think back to the ascension. Or, to be honest, to what I did the day before the ascension. Angel was so sick that day, in so much pain. If I could, I would have taken some of that pain into myself. But I've never looked back and questioned my actions that night. Not until now, anyways. Now that I've seen how everything is turning out, turning away from me.

Would it have been so bad, letting him die? Everyone dies eventually, and he said he was ready, after all. Maybe I was wrong to deny him his wish for peace, for rest. And it wasn't like he was going to be with me anyways, even if L.A. is a hell of a lot closer than eternity is. We could have won the battle against the Mayor without him fighting, I'm sure we would have found a way to do it. After all, there were more of us than there were of them.

It would have given me peace too. I could've mourned him for real this time. Mourned him for a time and then moved on with my life, with no residual Angel-feelings holding me back, keeping me hoping for that possible someday that is far off down the road. I would have been free to pursue a completely new love and a new life, unhindered by my feelings for an absentee lover. I could have let the love and the memories of him give me strength, instead of taking it. I could give my heart away completely, instead of having to partition it and lock part of it away in a file labeled "Angel".

Why didn't I think of this before? Is it too late to go back and change things?

Now, I have to deal with the knowledge that he is only a few hours away from me, living it up with his brand new soul-saving business. Well, maybe 'living it up' is an unfair assumption. But he is moving on with his life, albeit, differently than I am. I almost didn't recognize the person standing in front of me, he's changed so much. Oh, not physically, physically he'll never really change. But inside.there was a strength there that I've never seen before. A strength that makes me wonder if he even needs or wants me anymore. And a determination to do what he feels is right, no matter whose feelings might be hurt in the process. Even if those feelings are mine.

It wasn't too long ago that he would sit down and talk it out with me. Would take my feelings into consideration. Maybe that's what bothers me so much, what I kept taking for granted. That even if he disagreed with me, we'd always have the time to work it out, at least make each other understand why we felt that way.

We didn't have that this time around, and Angel didn't seem willing to make the time to talk about it afterwards. Doesn't he care at all? Didn't he even want to know just what it was that Faith did to me? To us?

Or does he already know, but not care?

The thought of that makes me want to throw up.

The thought of what I said to him makes me want to throw up. I know I shouldn't have said that to him, about Riley. And I know I didn't really mean it either. But I couldn't help it. For that moment, I wanted to see him hurt, wanted to see him suffer the way I've been suffering.

Well, at least now I know he feels something for me, even if it is mostly pain. And if there is pain, there must be a reason for that pain, right?

So, would I do it all again? Not just curing him, but loving him. Knowing what I know now, would I want to go through all that? Would he want to?

I used to know the answer to all those questions .but now.now I'm not so sure. And that frightens me more than anything.

I wonder if there is a hole in the wall? Angel's really going to have to fix it if there is.

Well? That was my attempt at trying to understand Buffy..how'd I do?

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