FEEDBACK: You're not going to make me beg for it, are you?
SPOILERS: Season three - DEAD MAN'S PARTY
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Okay..if you're like me, then a part of you wanted Buffy to confront the gang with what she'd had to do the year before, then split and leave them to chew on it for a while. But, she didn't..she took their abuse without really defending herself. Anyway, while mopping the floors at work, I got inspired. Hey, no one ever said my timing was good. Anyway, what if when she went upstairs to pack during that oh so lovely party thrown in her honour, she wasn't interrupted by Willow and Joyce. Here is my answer to that. Oh.and to Janice..still trying to write that sequel for you.hopefully a happier fic then my usual. :)
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, none of em are!

To those that I let down,

The words aren't necessary; I can see it in your faces, in your eyes. You're disappointed in me for running away last year. To be honest, so am I. And though I may not have contacted you, believe it when I say that I wanted to, that I had to fight the impulse to pick up the phone and call you. But there is something none of you understand. I wasn't ready. After everything that had happened, I had to get away, be on my own. I don't write this letter to blame you for not understanding. How can you, when I never explained it? But as Giles tried to tell all of you, I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet. Why couldn't you understand that, at least? I still wouldn't be ready, if I didn't feel that you at least deserved the explanation now, before I leave you all again. I did my duty. I killed him. Sent him to hell for you, for the world. But I'm not talking about Angelus; I'm talking about Angel, my Angel. Your spell worked at the last second, Willow. And though he doesn't deserve the tortures I'm sure he is now going through, I am grateful for that chance to be in his arms again, just one last time.

How could I have come to you with that? After all Angelus did to you, how could I come to you mourning Angel? After a while, the line became blurred to the rest of you, but not to me, never to me.

But it wasn't just Angel. It was everything. Did you know I got expelled that day? That I got kicked out of my own home? It was my fault that Kendra died and my stupidity was to blame for the rest of you getting hurt. How could I possibly stay? Maybe if I'd been able to save Angel in time, I could have dealt with the rest. But seeing that look in his eyes, knowing that he loved me even as I shoved a sword through him, it killed me to see that. That was why I left.

I tried to stay, I took a long last look at all of you, standing safely in the sunlight, to remind me that my sacrifice had been worth something. But still, I couldn't stay. I needed time to heal, time that had I stayed, I never would have had.

I know I screwed up, I know I abandoned you. And I know you deserve more then this measly note. But I deserve more too. I deserve your friendship, your understanding. And, if life were fair, I would deserve to have Angel at my side, helping me to absorb the blows of my mistakes. But life isn't fair, I got dealt a lousy hand, and now all I can do is play it the way I see fit.

I've had more then most slayers. I had family, friends, a watcher that is more like a father to me, and I had Angel. For a while, I'd say I had it pretty good, and I love you all for that. But eventually, all things come to an end, all things change. Slayers weren't meant to have those things, they make us weak, vulnerable. And that's why I'm leaving again. I can't afford to be weak anymore.

I dumped an unfair load on your laps the last time I left, and I can't do that to you again. So I'll still be around. But I can't be Buffy anymore. All I can be is the slayer; she's all I've got left.

Goodbye

Willow sighed deeply as she re-read the note, re-lived memories she'd rather forget. True to her word, the slayer didn't leave town. The vampire population stayed down and any other demons were quickly dispatched with a frightening efficiency.

She'd run into Buffy, every once in a while. Maybe while out shopping, or a few times in the park. But there had been no trace of her best friend. And even when she would gently bring up the subject of Angel, no look would cross Buffy's face, no comment would be made.

It was somehow fitting that it had been Xander who first learned of his unexplained return. He hadn't hesitated in telling Giles and the others. And had almost gleefully convinced the group that for safety's sake, soul or no, Angel would be better off dead, really dead. She hadn't had the heart to join in with them, just followed at a distance as they marched towards the mansion, armed with stakes. He'd been an easy target, weak as he was. And she often wondered what would have happened had Buffy not burst in at that moment.

There was a calmness about her fighting that was eerie to behold. No self-righteous anger, no resentment. Just a fierce desire to protect her weakened lover, and a coldly uttered threat that if they so much as came near him again, she wouldn't hold back. And for a moment, there was a glimpse of the old Buffy.

That was the last time they had seen her.

It had been Angel who informed them of her death a year later, said he thought they'd like to know, to be prepared for when the next slayer arrived. But he wouldn't say anything more than that before he calmly walked out the door, where a slowly brightening sky awaited him. For Angel, she had always and only been Buffy.

But for them, she'd become just the slayer.

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