Rating: Um..pg 13 for swearing??
Disclaimer: Yes, they are mine…all mine! (taking my drugs now) Okay..they belong to Joss
Distribution: Chances are I'll say yes and be quite flattered if you want this.
Feedback: Yes please. But if it sucks, tell me that nicely.
Spoilers: Dear Boy, B/A canon
Summary: Right after "Dear Boy" Angel thinks about the women in his life

It was Buffy who first used the term with me, and it was a long time ago. But I think it's the most accurate term to describe most of my relationships with women.

Warning label.

When Buffy used it, she was angry that I was reading one to her, claimed that a relationship was supposed to get out of control. I know she never thought it would get as bad as it all turned out. Neither of us did. That was part of the problem; we didn't actually think about what getting into a relationship would mean in the long run. All we knew was what we felt, shouldn't that have been enough? Shouldn't it still be enough?

Have I mentioned how much I hate those damn labels? But they are here to stay, for a long time if not forever. It's my very love for her that keeps us apart. All part of the curse the gypsies so lovingly placed on my soul, a curse I willingly took back to save her life, only to watch it go on without me.

As selfish as it sounds, I'm not sure I'd do anything differently. I'll always regret the results of our one night; will always regret the hurt I've caused her. But I'll never regret the relationship. Maybe loving her from afar should have been enough for me, should have been all I deserved. But every time I find myself thinking that, I remember how good it felt to be loved by her. How good it feels to love her, to know that I always will.

It's impossible to regret something like that, even with the pain that goes with it. And as hard as this is to believe, it's impossible to give up even the faint hope that maybe someday…

But I'm jumping way ahead. There's one particular woman for whom warning labels should have been posted. Maybe they were, but I was just too drunk or too stupid to read them.

Unfortunately, I can recall the night Darla sired me with perfect clarity. I wish I didn't remember it so well, than maybe I could make myself believe that it wasn't my own foolishness that started this whole ride in the first place. Next to Buffy, she's had the most influence on my life. She gave birth to Angelus. Do I really need to go any further?

Still, I can't blame her for everything I did when we were together, when I had no soul. She may have taught me a little too well, and she was dead wrong about my relationship with Buffy, but one thing she said is undeniable. Darkness like the kind I possess can't be taught. It's just there. All she did was give it the means to escape.

I don't know if I can ever do enough to make up for Drusilla. What I did to her is bad enough. But I had to go one step further. My goal was to see her suffer for eternity. I never expected that she would prove to be such a dangerous power in her own right. I took her insanity and turned it into something worse. Even Darla warned me about this one.

I suppose I could easily say that it wasn't me. That it was the demon who did all of this. And to some extent, I guess that would be true. But it's hard to remember that when the memories are so clear, when I can recall how the blood felt on my hands.

And even if I could dismiss everything else, I wasn't exactly an upstanding member of society when I did have my soul. Not until her.

I often wonder if anyone else could have inspired me the way she did. Any half-hearted attempts to help people before Whistler's intervention came off badly. Judy begged my forgiveness for what happened in this very hotel. Shouldn't I have been the one asking forgiveness? I had the power to help her, to help them all. Yet I walked away.

I don't suppose I'll ever really know the answer to that. Will never know if anyone besides Buffy could have brought out the fighter in me. Maybe they could have, but after seeing through to Buffy's soul, to what I know she can be, I don't think I could have loved anyone more than I love her.

It seems pointless to try and figure that out anyway. It happened the way it happened. Just accept it and move on.

I'm sure Whistler didn't pick the timing he did by accident. There is a reason I was supposed to meet her when I did, though I wish I knew what it was. Was it destiny? Were we only supposed to come together as allies? Where does the fact that I love her fit into this? Or doesn't it?

There is a new woman in my life now, but not in a way that requires a warning label. She gives me comfort when I need it and backs away when I don't. Cordelia is one the few lifelines I have right now. I don't think I could have done nearly as much without her help.

Sounds like she is someone I should choose to be a lover, doesn't it? But that isn't what I want or need from her. All I want is her friendship. And if we cross that line into romance, the warning label pops up again. Maybe not in the same way it does for Buffy, but it comes up anyway. I can't say for certain that will never come up between us, but I do know it isn't something either of us wants right now.

Cordelia is an immense source of comfort, and is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. But I can't see us as lovers. Does that seem odd? Perhaps it is, but I've never had a woman I can call a friend before, without romance or sex getting involved.It's something new for me, and I like it.

Faith came as a shock, though considering my own past maybe this shouldn't be the case. If I can work for redemption, why not her? And I must admit it's good to have someone who understands what I'm going through. Until you've been into the darkness and back again, it isn't something you can truly understand, no matter how hard you try.

I don't recommend the journey. It isn't nearly as fascinating as it may appear to be from the outside.

Then there's Kate. The woman who has taken it upon herself to plague my existence. It isn't that I don't understand what she's feeling. Losing her father hit her hard and I wouldn't blame her for never wanting to see me again. But I am tiring of her interference in things she doesn't understand, and doesn't want to understand. She prefers her view of the world in black and white. That is her decision, but I won't stand by and watch her tear down what has taken me so long to build up.

I tried to keep her away from Buffy last year, though my stubborn slayer would have none of it. She may not like me very much right now, and tensions rise easily, but when it really counts, I know she'll be there to help me out. Just as I know I can count on Darla to knock me down.

It seems that no matter who is around me, it all comes back to the same two women eventually.

Oddly enough, the one who wants to be in my life is the one who took it away, not the one who gave it back. Or maybe I'm wrong about that too. I haven't been certain about anything to do with Buffy lately, not when it comes to how she feels.

Life's a bitch, isn't it?

And so is the woman who wants me.

Part of me wants to stop resisting, wants to be with her again. It's nice just to be wanted, and I can't remember the last time I really felt that way. Or maybe it's that I won't let myself. So as dangerous as Darla's affections are, in a strange sort of way they are also comforting. And even though I know the one she truly wants is the one I try so hard to suppress, I can't help the pleasure at knowing that for the first time in what feels like eternity, someone wants me for who I am, not for what I can do to help them.

And I don't know if I'm strong enough to read the warning labels this time either.

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