Feedback: Sure..just be gentle about it!
Rating: You can watch, you can read
Summary: Future fic, Buffy and Spike are together. Angel's thoughts, doubts and feelings when he finds out about Buffy's new feelings for the both of them.
Disclaimer: Song is "You" by Point Break. Characters aren't mine.obviously.

Waiting for the moment to come
I'm lost in this maze that I've stumbled upon
Dreaming of a beautiful land
These wounds don't heal easy
But I'm trying to mend

I told her to leave. Just like that. I told the woman I love more than any other to leave and not come back. But I said it nicely, and I hope she understood. She just smiled sadly and left without another word. I know now I'll never see her again, except maybe in battle. But we'll never be more than allies in a common war after today. I'll know if she needs me.

That day may never come though. After all, she's got him now. There's nothing I could give her that she wouldn't prefer to come from him.

It's too bad, really.

She wanted us to be friends. I have a feeling she'd be a great friend. But that's not what I want from her. Or, I should say, that isn't all that I want from her.

Friends. What was it Spike said all those years ago? Something about us never being friends. He was right, of course, but not because of anything Buffy felt. It's because of me.

Did you know that there is something worse than missing someone who is far away from you?

There is. It's missing someone who is in the same room with you. Especially when that someone is the only one who can truly make you feel complete.

Buffy was there, but she wasn't my Buffy anymore. She belongs to Spike now. I wonder if that isn't the hardest part of all of this. That Spike seems to be able to give her something that I never could. I wish I knew exactly what that was.

I gave my life for her, does that get me any points?

I don't know if I even have a right to be upset, I was the one who left. But I left so that she could find someone who could bring her into the sunlight, not draw her further into the dark.

If I'd known that she would turn to Spike, would I still have left?

Was that the reason she wanted to be with me all along? Not the soul, but the demon? I could almost believe that, even though I know that without the soul, I still wouldn't be able to give her what she needs. That part of me isn't good with relationships.

For some reason, evil or not, Spike is. He knows how to treat a girl. He must. Dru adored him and now Buffy loves him, killer instinct and all.

She loves him. But she wants to be friends with me. She explained it all rather calmly, so I know any strong feelings she once had for me are gone, even though she tried to pretend otherwise at first. That's the Buffy I know. The one who uses kindness to avoid causing pain. I wish she'd known she was only making it worse.

She wanted so badly to reassure me that I could stop by anytime, that it wouldn't be awkward anymore. Not for her, anyway.

Maybe it's selfish, but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to accept the new relationship she wants to have with me. It seems like such a pale imitation of what we used to have. I think I'd cry every moment I spent near her; I love her that much.

If that's selfish then so be it. This time, I'm doing what will make it easier for me. What I have to do if I'm to move on with my life. I'm sure she resents my refusal of what I should consider a blessing. After all, anything is better than not having her at all, right?

Wrong.I think it's safe to say I won't be going to the wedding.

Had it been anyone else I lost her to, I could have been happy for her, happy for the sunlight she would have found even if it meant losing her forever. At least that would have been some consolation for my pain. But Spike?

I'm sure he's laughing now; after all I put him through with Dru.

What will I do if I meet up with him again? The greater temptation would be to stake first and ask questions later. Not only for the fact that he's dangerous, something Buffy is either ignoring or has forgotten, but also because he has what I want most in this world.

He has Buffy. Maybe he always had her, and I was just blind to it. I recognized the sparks between them the day of the love spell fiasco. Maybe I just fooled myself into thinking they were borne out of hatred.

Whatever the case, there isn't any use in dwelling on it now. What's done is done.

For better or worse, I left her. It doesn't matter what my reasons were, doesn't matter how noble my intentions. I still left.

Maybe I just left before she could. I don't know if that makes it harder or easier to bear.

It doesn't matter now. She offered me something precious today, and I refused it. If I know Buffy, that's something she could almost come to hate me for one day; friendships are valuable to her. For me to refuse it must have angered her.

But anything is better than an uncomplicated friendship when my feelings for her are anything but simple. And hate is only the flipside of love anyway, right? At least this way we'll be on the opposite sides of the same coin. Small consolation, I realize.

I gave up my life so that she could live. Now she has to leave mine so that I can do the same.

Won't walk any further baby,
Gonna watch me run
Been living in this fairytale for far too long
Look what we've become.

*ducks thrown objects* Sorry guys..I was in an angsty mood!

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