Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, but the thoughts are mine
Rating: PG-13 (Just for the mention of suicide)
Note: This is my present for Lisa. If it weren't for her, this would have never been written. Also, thinks to Serena who read this as I wrote it and told me it was good.
Distribution: I wrote it, but it belongs to Lisa. Ask her

I don't know what happened. I can't explain it. I guess the remorse of Angel leaving took its final toll on me. I went to bed as me, but when I woke up, I was an entirely new person. I felt empty. I was there, but in the back, behind all of the crowded thoughts of Angel in my head. My body was now running on instinct. Walk, run, talk, laugh. That's all it was. I was telling myself what to do, but I wasn't listening. I had finally broken myself away from the rest of the world and existed only to be.

I don't know how long I've been like this. If I estimated, I'd have to say about a week before collage started. No one noticed, though. They were all too busy with their lives. It didn't bother me though. As much as I pretended it did, I was actually happy that they were too selfish to notice that I was dying inside.

They didn't notice for about a month. They only started noticing when I tried to kill Kathy. They thought that I was insane. Like I would actually try to kill a human? Please?! God, I hate it how no one gives me credit. I know things and sense things that no one could possibly know about. It hurt me more than I'll admit to anyone that my friends didn't trust me. They are the ones that are supposed to support you, right? Well, they weren't doing a good job.

Anyway, as soon as the thing with Kathy subsided, Willow started to encourage me to see other people. She had found out that the TA in my psyche class had a crush on me, so she told him to go with it. He came up to me and tried to pick me up with cheese. In the back of my mind, where I was, I was laughing hysterically. But for some odd reason, the part of me that was in control found it cute. I shudder at the thought. Remind me to slap myself later.

You wouldn't believe the way a person's body acts when going purely on instinct. All my body knew was that it was supposed to fight. There was another thing there, too, and I blame Angel for what I'm about to describe. My body needed someone to hold it, to comfort it. It's all Angel's fault. He treated me so well, that that kind of thing became instinct. If I didn't have it, I had to get it. That's where Riley comes in.

The thing about when you lose yourself to a plain of empty emotions, you try to stop yourself from things you don't want to do, but you can't. You're in such a depressed state, that you no longer have control. You do things you would never do if you were happy and alive. It's like your screaming for your body to do something, but it won't listen because it knows it has control. No inhibitions; no one to tell it what to do. It takes advantage. It's like an evil, that no one but you can stop.

I remember the first time he kissed me. It was like a smooth stone grinding on a piece of sandpaper. He was such a horrible kisser. Maybe I shouldn't blame him for it, but it was disgusting. He tried his best to be sweet, but it turned out like kissing my dad. In the back of my mind, I was yelling to myself, trying to get my body to respond. "NO! NO! NO! This isn't Angel! Stop! What are you doing?" but my protests fell on deaf ears. So I only cringed as my lips pressed to his.

Only at night, in the dark, was I allowed to return in control. In that time, I cried. I cried for everything I lost. I cried for my beloved Angel. I missed him so much. Every night I ask myself why he left me. Why he thought that he wasn't good enough for me. I hate him for that. He's so wrapped up in his guilt that he doesn't realize that I don't care all that he's done. I just want to be with Angel, just Angel. In a few hours, I'll be pushed away again, so let me get my point across fast. Someone once said that love is immortal. If that's true, then I will do everything I can do to regain control to go live with my immortal love.

**

It's now been five months since I lost control of myself. The last strand of hope broke, and I let go. I'm dead, emotionally of course. There's only one person who can bring me back, but he's gone. I've pulled up my stool, and now I'm just going to watch the show that is my life.

I realize now that Angel will never return. I was a fool to believe it. I've stopped caring. I just can't do it anymore. I can't pretend that I've gotten over him because I haven't. I never will, I don't want to. But there's nothing I can do. I'm stuck in an emotionless plain with nothing to live on. I wonder why I haven't attempted to kill myself yet. I wonder why I'm holding on.

I'm going out with Riley now. I can't believe it's happening, but I crave what I used to have. I crave to have someone hold me. I crave the kisses that I used to receive. I know I'm just using him, and I feel bad about it, but I'm lost. I need this. I need to know that I'm loved. Riley gives that to me, but I wonder why he can't sense that I don't return it. Maybe he's in the same situation, I doubt it. I have to do something, or this poor boy will be ruined. I can't let that happen. It's not fair to him.

We're kissing on my bed. I start to feel his hand go up my shirt. I have to stop this! It's too much! I start screaming at myself. STOP! STOP! You can't do this it's not right!

"STOOOOOOP!!!!" I heard it. I said it. I was out! I was free!

"Buffy?" he asked me confusedly. "What's wrong?"

"Riley, I can't do this. I can't. I'm sorry, but I never liked you."

"All these months? Everything we did, what about that?"

"It wasn't me. I wasn't in control."

"What do you mean that it wasn't you? It was you. You were here, it certainly wasn't anyone else."

"I don't expect you to understand this, but I wasn't in control of my actions. I never meant it to go far, but I couldn't stop it."

"So what you're saying is that all of these months, you've used me?"

I hung my head low with shame. "Yes," I told him meekly, "I did. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He didn't say anything. He just stormed out of the room. I know I hurt him, but I also know that he'll survive. I stopped myself before it went too far. For that, I praise myself. But I'm an idiot. I let myself get buried so deep in my remorse that I was unable to recover. I'm a really lucky I was able to stop it. I don't know what I would have done if it had gone any farther. If it had, I would have probably stayed buried forever, never allowing myself to feel anything.

**

It's now midnight. I'm at the train station. I know what I have to do. I just have to get away. Everyone will probably think that I'm running away again, and maybe I am, but I know I can't stay here. Sunnydale holds too much for me, and I just need to escape from here so I can think.

I left everyone a note explaining that I had to do this. That I needed some 'me' time. No one but me. I'm going to New York. Not the city, but a nice place up in the country. All of the arrangements have been made. I'll be known as Lisa Gallen.

I sent a letter to Angel. I told him all about Riley, and what had happened to me. I know that if no one understands, that at least he will. It adds some comfort. My train has arrived. I'm off to New York. Hopefully, I can return and once again be Buffy Summers.

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